Two quick horoscopes
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
You'll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It's true that the best-laid plans of mice and men go oft awry, but the mutant rodents in the sewers beneath your home have been planning your death for years.