Sigh
So much to tell and all the time in the world at the moment to tell it. i got fired from my job what... 2 days ago i think it is. i felt horrable it was my fault. i missed too many damn lunch breaks. everything was starting to look up too. but at least still get to go to martial arts at the moment. i cried so hard i think i was just forcing it though. the thing i really miss is amanda.... i'm still getting married and i couldn't call it off if even i wanted too.. but i do miss her horrably i hope she misses me too. we have a strange relationship at least in my mind. well this is all in my mind technicly right? maybe it will help if i start from the beginning. that always helps me and you whoever you may be. my wife to be can be a real bitch. and she don't even know it she has gained alot of weight and says she is getting fat all the time and whines about it but does nothing. at the same time i still love her cause she is still the girl i used to love mostly but there are some darker things starting to come out of her. then this girl starts working in my area. i don't think too much of here at the time having only seen her for about an hour and most of that i was on the move. then i see a tatoo she has on her arm. a triple goddess symbol. i'm a witch and a pagan. i know what this means i wonder if she does too. so i go ask her. turns out she is a witch. let it be noted that my gf is a witch as well. she is into it more then me but i'm sometimes more knowlable in the subject just not the application of it. from there things just got better and better. first we start joking with each other flurting around that kinda stuff then she gets yelled at for it so it kinda stops for the most part but we still did alot. things still get better and better we talked about everything relationships, martial arts, friends, work life, home life, everything. she probly becomes my fastest best friend in my life. she is just like my gf the way i want her to be(there is more to this later) then after work she begins to park by my we talk after work sometimes for an hour sometimes shorter near the end. i never felt bad about all of this i'm getting married she has a long term bf. still i think if things where different we would have been togather instantly. but if i wasn't with jen then i would just want to be free. so i never was nevous about flurting with her. so naturaly i was really good and cleaver at it. -sigh... i really do miss her- gods will i will try to make her a permanent part of my life. but she already doesn't get to see her man at all let alone room for me. still i have to try. she was the only thing that passed through my mind when i got fired that i wouldn't get to talk or see amanda again. we had soooooo many thing in comman it wasn't even funny even little things in our past history and i haven't been what i have been for this long to just ignore that fact it all means something and i hope its good and not bad. i don't know why she has been ripped away from me. maybe we where getting too close and would have made more trouble then good. i soppose i will know or never know. still my heart still aches. throughout all of this i'm wondering if this is apropriate to feel this way to be this sad. just not in the way you think its hard to explain. i think for the first time in my life my feelings are truly hidden from me. i can't leave jen she would probly kill herself and to leave her for what the possablity that she would leave jud for me? but i just want to be free, to go to college to be single for a while. she is just the best friend i have.i don't even fantise about having sex with her like i probly do with eveyone else. like i said i just don't know how i feel. what i do know is it would take a direct act of the gods to change my world. it would be painfull and very hard to handle maybe more then i'm willing to take at the moment and me and jen still get along very well. and i think her and jud did to till she met me and figured out there there is some people very different then she thought was out there. people with near infinit kindness people that tell her that she is pretty. i know she doesn't get told that by the way she acts when she is told... sigh.... this is so horrable. i wish i still worked at that hell i wish i could just to be around her. my best friend in the world. maybe i will be able to call her often maybe i won't. maybe i will get to see her often i probly won't. why why did this have to happen?