Motivate Me
I had a lot of time to think while at work this weekend. A lot of time to contemplate where I am at in life and where I want to be. I am far from where I want to be, but I have absolutely no motivation to get to where I want to be and should be at this point in my life. I have said it before, but I would like to start losing weight and exercising. I don't know what it will take to make myself motivated to do this, but I think I made a good first step. I ordered Jillian Michael's new book Master Your Metabolism. I heard that most of the book is about staying away from processed food and chemicals, which will be difficult, but it has to happen. I don't want to live in this body anymore. Honestly, it holds me back from doing a lot of things that I otherwise would have no problem doing- like asking that really hot lady cop to go out sometime... or making a fool out of myself on the dance floor at some random club. I don't mind looking like an idiot, but not a fat idiot. And honestly, I wouldn't mind working more if I lost some weight, because it probably wouldn't hurt as much afterwards. And I wouldn't expect somebody who hasn't struggled with this their entire life to understand at all, but believe me. It stops me from doing a lot of things that I otherwise would be doing. I want to find that someone to spend the rest of my life with, but I am afraid that even if I do find them now, being overweight and they accept me for who I am, that I will be too afraid to be intimate with them. I know I would be. I don't even like looking at myself naked. Why would anybody else? It hurts me more emotionally than I think it does physically, though physically it cannot be very good for me. So, I am very much looking forward to that book coming in the mail. I am hoping that it will be here by June. I would like to start doing this by then. I would also like to at least look into taking some online classes, preferably having to do with writing. I just feel so stagnant and useless lately. I guess what I am asking here is what motivates you? What gives you the drive to keep going? And how the hell did you find it? I wish I could find my motivation.