Yet another sleepless night...
Sitting. Sitting alone, late at night, when I should be sleeping. As I sit, I contemplate everywhere I have been so far - especially in the past year - as well as where I would hopefully like to go.
To be honest, it's been one hell of a ride so far. October of last year saw my final days as the broken person I was after I graduated high school, and started a new chapter in my life - which was certainly a long time overdue. I don't remember exactly what it was that prompted the change, now that I think about it; the end of Welcome to the NHK! was certainly a catalyst, as it was very much like a mirror of the kind of sad existence I had let myself slip into. It's rather ironic, that an anime program should act as a panacea to my condition, rather than be the kind of escape from reality that had exacerbated the problem for so long - something clicked inside my head, and instead of further sinking into the endless cycle of depression and self-loathing, I became armed with the desire to break free, and the motivation to enter the world, once again.
It was never easy. The next morning, I had awaken early (a rather Herculean feat for me, at the time), and began applying at every place I could think of, that would hire a high school graduate with little work experience and no special skills or tertiary education. Out of my initial effort of over a dozen applications, I did not get a single phone call; it was not until early March that I was contacted by a prospective employer that was actually interested in bringing me on. I was to become a Bakery Clerk at Publix, much to my astonishment - being hired off the street into a position like that is almost unheard of, and to this day I consider myself very lucky.
Looking back, I cannot help but remember the sheer disgust I had, at the prospect of working in an entry level position, in as unglamorous a place as a grocery store. Back then, my thinking was poisoned by self-imposed high expectations of what I should be doing with my life, and what I should never "lower myself" to do - and it had led me to making some serious mistakes related to unbridled ambition, and getting in way over my head. Last year, it finally dawned upon me that someone always has to start *somewhere*, and that there is nothing bullshit about job, no matter how basic it may be. I still find some difficulty in coping with the fact that my life has not taken exactly the course I thought it would, but accepting the previously stated epiphany has allowed me to cope with it, while showing humility, and holding hope that someday soon, I can become the very person I dreamt of being, as a kid.
While I've been on the road to financial independence and self-improvement, the past year has also seen an effort to end the loneliness that plagued me for so long, and seek companionship. I can safely say, that this has been a much harder task that I could have ever imagined. So far, I've had four different love interests: two of which turned into actual relationships, but both ended rather painfully, the most recent one being due to an unpredicted rash of immature and stupid behavior, on the part of my ex-boyfriend. Deep inside, I know my central problem to be that I go into a relationship with the ardent desire that it will be "the one" that can last a lifetime - I know it to be folly, yet I cannot help myself from falling into the trap of deep attachment, each and every time. The solution, it is said, is to just get back up, dust yourself off, and try it again - and most importantly, to have fun in the process. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, such a prospect seems rather alien and somewhat depressing to me, but I do see the glimmer of hope in the sheer number of eligible bachelors out there - I am bound to get it right eventually, if only by statistical probability.
When it comes to the future, I have not a fucking clue as to where I am going, or what kind of person I will be in ten years. The standard version of my aspirations involve getting a place of my own once I am eligible for full-time hours at work, next spring, and going back to school as soon as I can afford to. The plan for college, of course, is to get a Bachelor's in Journalism - a field of work that I've always been passionate about - and figure out which branch of journalism I want to follow for a career, in the process. Somewhere along the line, I have the intention to find the time and money to join the Civil Air Patrol, and become a pilot; since my plans to join the military fizzled quickly after high school, it is my best chance at becoming an aviator - with the added benefit of giving back to the community, and perhaps saving a life or two along the way. It isn't much of a direction, as I figure, since a lot of crap is still left undecided, unchallenged, and unknown - but I do have forward momentum in life, and that, is a very empowering feeling.
At this point, the most unfortunate thing is, after spending a great deal of thought and effort into distilling my thoughts and raw emotion into this pithy entry, I have still not managed to tire myself out. I suppose I have just been far too contemplative tonight, for my own good; my mind is restless enough, as-is. After all, it has not been easy, learning how to smile.
To be honest, it's been one hell of a ride so far. October of last year saw my final days as the broken person I was after I graduated high school, and started a new chapter in my life - which was certainly a long time overdue. I don't remember exactly what it was that prompted the change, now that I think about it; the end of Welcome to the NHK! was certainly a catalyst, as it was very much like a mirror of the kind of sad existence I had let myself slip into. It's rather ironic, that an anime program should act as a panacea to my condition, rather than be the kind of escape from reality that had exacerbated the problem for so long - something clicked inside my head, and instead of further sinking into the endless cycle of depression and self-loathing, I became armed with the desire to break free, and the motivation to enter the world, once again.
It was never easy. The next morning, I had awaken early (a rather Herculean feat for me, at the time), and began applying at every place I could think of, that would hire a high school graduate with little work experience and no special skills or tertiary education. Out of my initial effort of over a dozen applications, I did not get a single phone call; it was not until early March that I was contacted by a prospective employer that was actually interested in bringing me on. I was to become a Bakery Clerk at Publix, much to my astonishment - being hired off the street into a position like that is almost unheard of, and to this day I consider myself very lucky.
Looking back, I cannot help but remember the sheer disgust I had, at the prospect of working in an entry level position, in as unglamorous a place as a grocery store. Back then, my thinking was poisoned by self-imposed high expectations of what I should be doing with my life, and what I should never "lower myself" to do - and it had led me to making some serious mistakes related to unbridled ambition, and getting in way over my head. Last year, it finally dawned upon me that someone always has to start *somewhere*, and that there is nothing bullshit about job, no matter how basic it may be. I still find some difficulty in coping with the fact that my life has not taken exactly the course I thought it would, but accepting the previously stated epiphany has allowed me to cope with it, while showing humility, and holding hope that someday soon, I can become the very person I dreamt of being, as a kid.
While I've been on the road to financial independence and self-improvement, the past year has also seen an effort to end the loneliness that plagued me for so long, and seek companionship. I can safely say, that this has been a much harder task that I could have ever imagined. So far, I've had four different love interests: two of which turned into actual relationships, but both ended rather painfully, the most recent one being due to an unpredicted rash of immature and stupid behavior, on the part of my ex-boyfriend. Deep inside, I know my central problem to be that I go into a relationship with the ardent desire that it will be "the one" that can last a lifetime - I know it to be folly, yet I cannot help myself from falling into the trap of deep attachment, each and every time. The solution, it is said, is to just get back up, dust yourself off, and try it again - and most importantly, to have fun in the process. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, such a prospect seems rather alien and somewhat depressing to me, but I do see the glimmer of hope in the sheer number of eligible bachelors out there - I am bound to get it right eventually, if only by statistical probability.
When it comes to the future, I have not a fucking clue as to where I am going, or what kind of person I will be in ten years. The standard version of my aspirations involve getting a place of my own once I am eligible for full-time hours at work, next spring, and going back to school as soon as I can afford to. The plan for college, of course, is to get a Bachelor's in Journalism - a field of work that I've always been passionate about - and figure out which branch of journalism I want to follow for a career, in the process. Somewhere along the line, I have the intention to find the time and money to join the Civil Air Patrol, and become a pilot; since my plans to join the military fizzled quickly after high school, it is my best chance at becoming an aviator - with the added benefit of giving back to the community, and perhaps saving a life or two along the way. It isn't much of a direction, as I figure, since a lot of crap is still left undecided, unchallenged, and unknown - but I do have forward momentum in life, and that, is a very empowering feeling.
At this point, the most unfortunate thing is, after spending a great deal of thought and effort into distilling my thoughts and raw emotion into this pithy entry, I have still not managed to tire myself out. I suppose I have just been far too contemplative tonight, for my own good; my mind is restless enough, as-is. After all, it has not been easy, learning how to smile.