so much sand gets into the world, we should all be motherfucking pearls
I haven't updated this in so fucking long but oh well, here goes.
Things are sort of great in my life right now. It's hard to even imagine how messed up I was/felt just a few months ago.
When Laur was here the other day, I just kept being like, "I love my life right now!" I just feel like I have had sort of a momentous energy shift inside of myself. I was actually reading Nate's blog (from Israel) and he is just still so lost and confused and has no idea what his life is and has so much anxiety about it. I realized more fully than ever that he truly pulled me into that and made me feel confused and lost as well. We loved each other and wanted the best for each other and ultimately, that was not each other. I don't blame him for anything, but I realize now that I really DO know who I am, what I want in life, and can make it happen for myself. My future is not a terrifying blur anymore, it's a plan, it's a goal, it's a path that excites and entices me and does not invoke fear any more.
It feels amazing!
I stopped going to therapy over a month ago, but I feel better than I did in any of the time when I was in therapy. I don't know, I guess in a weird way, my therapy sessions felt like "dwelling" on things I could not change about my life...I don't know. I just feel so ready to move on and become more fully myself and explore the world around me.
In other news...another thing that has been sort of awesome lately is I have been sort of dating Grant from Starbucks. Like, dating is maybe too strong a word but...I feel it's headed in that direction pretty fast. It's just sort of a crazy mind fuck because like...I HATED him. HATE. HATE. HATE. Like, I talked about how much I hated him all the time. It's like I poured all my anger about everything that had happened in the past few months into hatred for Grant. I'm not sure how or when it changed, but as I got to know him better, it just started being like, the more we talked, the more we wanted to talk. He's SO funny and incredibly smart and well rounded and interesting. He's older than me, but we are on the same wavelength about so many things. Anyway, maybe like 3 weeks ago we started hanging out just the two of us...We went to the bar a few times, just talked for a long time and laughed and it was fun. We started texting a lot and having lots of fun at work and eventually last weekend was this big party at our friend, Jess's, house. We were having a great time and at the end of the night as we were saying goodnight he kissed me on the cheek...and then I kissed him on the mouth, haha. I'm just really enjoying my time with him so far. Today was the first day that I was like, "Whoa, maybe this is getting too serious too fast, like, what if i'm not ready to be in a relationship again?" But...I don't know. I feel like I can take it as slow as I want and not take things so seriously...
It is hard though. I REALLY sort of like him...every time I see him I like him more. It's sort of silly.
Anyway, that's all I have for you tonight, LJ Land. I really should write in here more.
Things are sort of great in my life right now. It's hard to even imagine how messed up I was/felt just a few months ago.
When Laur was here the other day, I just kept being like, "I love my life right now!" I just feel like I have had sort of a momentous energy shift inside of myself. I was actually reading Nate's blog (from Israel) and he is just still so lost and confused and has no idea what his life is and has so much anxiety about it. I realized more fully than ever that he truly pulled me into that and made me feel confused and lost as well. We loved each other and wanted the best for each other and ultimately, that was not each other. I don't blame him for anything, but I realize now that I really DO know who I am, what I want in life, and can make it happen for myself. My future is not a terrifying blur anymore, it's a plan, it's a goal, it's a path that excites and entices me and does not invoke fear any more.
It feels amazing!
I stopped going to therapy over a month ago, but I feel better than I did in any of the time when I was in therapy. I don't know, I guess in a weird way, my therapy sessions felt like "dwelling" on things I could not change about my life...I don't know. I just feel so ready to move on and become more fully myself and explore the world around me.
In other news...another thing that has been sort of awesome lately is I have been sort of dating Grant from Starbucks. Like, dating is maybe too strong a word but...I feel it's headed in that direction pretty fast. It's just sort of a crazy mind fuck because like...I HATED him. HATE. HATE. HATE. Like, I talked about how much I hated him all the time. It's like I poured all my anger about everything that had happened in the past few months into hatred for Grant. I'm not sure how or when it changed, but as I got to know him better, it just started being like, the more we talked, the more we wanted to talk. He's SO funny and incredibly smart and well rounded and interesting. He's older than me, but we are on the same wavelength about so many things. Anyway, maybe like 3 weeks ago we started hanging out just the two of us...We went to the bar a few times, just talked for a long time and laughed and it was fun. We started texting a lot and having lots of fun at work and eventually last weekend was this big party at our friend, Jess's, house. We were having a great time and at the end of the night as we were saying goodnight he kissed me on the cheek...and then I kissed him on the mouth, haha. I'm just really enjoying my time with him so far. Today was the first day that I was like, "Whoa, maybe this is getting too serious too fast, like, what if i'm not ready to be in a relationship again?" But...I don't know. I feel like I can take it as slow as I want and not take things so seriously...
It is hard though. I REALLY sort of like him...every time I see him I like him more. It's sort of silly.
Anyway, that's all I have for you tonight, LJ Land. I really should write in here more.