Last One: Physicality
I have always been one to jump about and twirl and climb trees. Growing up home-schooled in the woods meant plenty of time to prance, dance, roll, swing, climb, run, and play without anyone around to be embarrassed for. That has translated to a very acute awareness of my physicality, of my own movements, as perceived by myself and others. Many talents have grown out of this and become intrinsic parts of me that I value highly. I attribute any gifts I have for dancing, giving massages, acting, and climbing to this common root: being in tune with my own physicality and knowing how to best translate it to movement, posture, attitude, emotion. For most of my life, I’ve had dreams in which I can hover and fly, which is accompanied by such a distinct awareness of the physicality of how this is done that I am deeply irked that gravity does not allow me to make use of my knowledge and consequent potential for ability. I consider myself very much aware of how one sits, how one walks, how one’s weight is placed, how one stands, how one holds one’s head, how physical contact is manifested (or avoided), and how each individual is distinct in these ways depending upon their age, era, gender, occupation, history, health, and environment. I still have a lot to learn, but it tends to come naturally to me. My friend once said “dance is like a language Charlotte speaks”.
One thing that truly excites me is finding the physicality of a character I am acting. That is why I was so enthusiastic about this assignment, and so “arrested” by the picture I chose. Many of the other pictures that spoke to me were of people who had clearly witnessed hardship of some sort, but I didn’t want to play a “crouched” character because I was already playing the soothsayer in Julius Caesar as a homeless man, so I already had an outlet for my inner outcast. Other pictures were of children or “pure” sort of people, which was close enough to my last role (the young, innocent, near-to-perfect heroine creation) that I kept looking for something else. I wanted something new. A challenge. Of course, when I found the picture of “Justine” I did not realize that she was a mannequin, but perhaps this was why I felt that capturing her would be a distinct challenge. Both bold and refined, aloof and yet social. Chiseled, as it were…
I feel confident in my ability to slip easily into the physicality of someone other than myself, but I was a bit concerned that Justine would drift towards other physicalities that I have played before and am more accustomed to: a princess, a dancer, an elegant seductress. But I wanted her to be distinct from these in that she was not ‘graceful’ or ‘elegant’, as I am told I am with surprising frequency, but rather that she was more along the lines of ‘unapologetic’ and ‘commanding of one’s attention’, yet casually so. Stark and striking in her posture and poses, but not noticeably fluid in her movements. I wanted her to be alluring, but not terribly approachable. Her posture was correct, without being formal. She knew she was stunning and did not give a care about that either. Like the mannequin, possessing an intense energy but no real spark of life.
I was careful to make sure that her hips did not swing when she walked and she always moved with intention, even if she was not moving for any reason other than to move. I never draped my arms, but held them; and did not cross my legs - except at the ankles on occasion because that is more convenient when wearing heels. My chin never dropped, and I often made a point of holding it higher than normal, as Justine does in the photo. Sometimes, I held my head at an angle if I was observing something a bit more intensely, but my eyes never went out of focus in introverted contemplation. I kept my gaze as focused and intent as possible, knowing that it made those around me uncomfortable.
It was one of the things that distinguished me from those who around me, those who looked away, who would not hold my gaze. There were one or two people who did not look away, though, which earned them a sort of general respect that the others did not merit to Justine. She makes people feel like she can read them fifty times better than they can read her, which makes them feel uneasy, vulnerable. She does read them, but more out of boredom than spite. It is one of the few games that is occasionally interesting to her: reading people’s history, personality, and opinions in their faces, their tones, their body language. Sometimes she uses this knowledge for her personal amusement, pushing buttons in conversations or seeing how easily she can manipulate their opinion of her and their responses to her, but never does she use it against them or share it with others. She suspects that it would be easy enough to ruin the life of anyone she knows, but that is something she would never do because she could never bring herself to care enough to bother unless they had deeply hurt or wronged her. But even if someone were capable of hurting or wronging her that way, she would not choose to ruin their life because to respond would be to acknowledge that she had been hurt, which would be worse.
The hardest part was never betraying thought, emotion, or history in my face. It was difficult to keep my performance alive without reacting physically, emotionally, facially, etc. Justine has emotions, but they are infinitely filtered, so that only the shadow of them appear on the periphery of her mind and her physicality, unless she specifically wishes to put on a display, which is rather rare. I was lucky that situation I found myself in did not require a lot of small talk or polite social interaction, since Justine would always know what to say and respond confidently, giving the impression of saying something but never revealing anything when you stop to think about it. Or, perhaps, one would never know what actually meant something and what did not mean anything with her because she treats them as the same thing. I would have struggled - indeed I did struggle - with pulling off such polished conversation without having it based on empathy/sympathy or connection with the other person, without showing animation in my features. I was never satisfied with my interpretation of Justine’s voice, so that would be on thing that I would have liked to have had more time to figure out. I didn’t want an accent, nor any real emphatic inflections, but still it needed to have a bit of bite or wit or spark. I wanted it to be natural to me, so I didn’t try to make it light or dark or anything in particular, but perhaps that was the problem: a lack of commitment one way or another about it.
The constant alertness was neither comfortable nor natural to me. There was a tenseness, a lack of genuine personality that required me to shut down my “Charlotte-ness” without replacing/manipulating it with anything (the way I normally would when acting). My emotions, thoughts, and physicality are very closely connected, so efforts to be Justine in one area would re-enforce the proper instincts in the other areas, which was helpful, but it made it somewhat difficult for me to get back in touch with Charlotte when the exercise was over. My face and personality was too flat, too expressionless and cold afterwards. I am used to my acting persona lingering for a few seconds or minutes, so this was not surprising or disturbing; but I did note it with a little concern because I was already feeling quite drained from Julius Caesar rehearsals and such, so the last thing I needed would be to get stuck somewhere that pushed my emotions out of sight and made me feel even more inhuman. As it was, I spent the week feeling quite out of touch with myself and rather inhuman, and I wonder how much this had to do with my time spent as Justine. Though, in Justine’s defense, I was spending far more time being an insane bum for Caesar than I was being Justine, so it is likely that the soothsayer had a greater influence on my mentality this week than she did.
I wasn’t sure that I really captured Justine (what with so little practice and all) or that I really was effectively distinctive in my acting. However, Caitlin later told me that she essentially could/did not recognize me(Charlotte) when I was Justine. I take that to be high praise indeed when I’m acting. So I suppose I consider the endeavor at least a partial success. Any critiques or comments/feedback on my ‘performance’ as Justine would be greatly appreciated.
There is a lot more that I have to say about my physicality. I could go into detail in each of the areas I mentioned earlier (dancing, climbing, massaging, acting, flying, etc.), but I think I will leave off here for the sake of length. The topic is fascinating to me and a core part of who I am.
[It also just occurred to me that Justine would feel the same way about the soothsayer that she did about most of the others in the room. He does not have a sense of pride or self-respect. He does not look anyone in the eye for more than a passing glance, and even then his gaze is almost always out of focus. He hides away in the corner, afraid of the unexpected, and often retreats into his own mind, losing awareness of the reality around him.]
One thing that truly excites me is finding the physicality of a character I am acting. That is why I was so enthusiastic about this assignment, and so “arrested” by the picture I chose. Many of the other pictures that spoke to me were of people who had clearly witnessed hardship of some sort, but I didn’t want to play a “crouched” character because I was already playing the soothsayer in Julius Caesar as a homeless man, so I already had an outlet for my inner outcast. Other pictures were of children or “pure” sort of people, which was close enough to my last role (the young, innocent, near-to-perfect heroine creation) that I kept looking for something else. I wanted something new. A challenge. Of course, when I found the picture of “Justine” I did not realize that she was a mannequin, but perhaps this was why I felt that capturing her would be a distinct challenge. Both bold and refined, aloof and yet social. Chiseled, as it were…
I feel confident in my ability to slip easily into the physicality of someone other than myself, but I was a bit concerned that Justine would drift towards other physicalities that I have played before and am more accustomed to: a princess, a dancer, an elegant seductress. But I wanted her to be distinct from these in that she was not ‘graceful’ or ‘elegant’, as I am told I am with surprising frequency, but rather that she was more along the lines of ‘unapologetic’ and ‘commanding of one’s attention’, yet casually so. Stark and striking in her posture and poses, but not noticeably fluid in her movements. I wanted her to be alluring, but not terribly approachable. Her posture was correct, without being formal. She knew she was stunning and did not give a care about that either. Like the mannequin, possessing an intense energy but no real spark of life.
I was careful to make sure that her hips did not swing when she walked and she always moved with intention, even if she was not moving for any reason other than to move. I never draped my arms, but held them; and did not cross my legs - except at the ankles on occasion because that is more convenient when wearing heels. My chin never dropped, and I often made a point of holding it higher than normal, as Justine does in the photo. Sometimes, I held my head at an angle if I was observing something a bit more intensely, but my eyes never went out of focus in introverted contemplation. I kept my gaze as focused and intent as possible, knowing that it made those around me uncomfortable.
It was one of the things that distinguished me from those who around me, those who looked away, who would not hold my gaze. There were one or two people who did not look away, though, which earned them a sort of general respect that the others did not merit to Justine. She makes people feel like she can read them fifty times better than they can read her, which makes them feel uneasy, vulnerable. She does read them, but more out of boredom than spite. It is one of the few games that is occasionally interesting to her: reading people’s history, personality, and opinions in their faces, their tones, their body language. Sometimes she uses this knowledge for her personal amusement, pushing buttons in conversations or seeing how easily she can manipulate their opinion of her and their responses to her, but never does she use it against them or share it with others. She suspects that it would be easy enough to ruin the life of anyone she knows, but that is something she would never do because she could never bring herself to care enough to bother unless they had deeply hurt or wronged her. But even if someone were capable of hurting or wronging her that way, she would not choose to ruin their life because to respond would be to acknowledge that she had been hurt, which would be worse.
The hardest part was never betraying thought, emotion, or history in my face. It was difficult to keep my performance alive without reacting physically, emotionally, facially, etc. Justine has emotions, but they are infinitely filtered, so that only the shadow of them appear on the periphery of her mind and her physicality, unless she specifically wishes to put on a display, which is rather rare. I was lucky that situation I found myself in did not require a lot of small talk or polite social interaction, since Justine would always know what to say and respond confidently, giving the impression of saying something but never revealing anything when you stop to think about it. Or, perhaps, one would never know what actually meant something and what did not mean anything with her because she treats them as the same thing. I would have struggled - indeed I did struggle - with pulling off such polished conversation without having it based on empathy/sympathy or connection with the other person, without showing animation in my features. I was never satisfied with my interpretation of Justine’s voice, so that would be on thing that I would have liked to have had more time to figure out. I didn’t want an accent, nor any real emphatic inflections, but still it needed to have a bit of bite or wit or spark. I wanted it to be natural to me, so I didn’t try to make it light or dark or anything in particular, but perhaps that was the problem: a lack of commitment one way or another about it.
The constant alertness was neither comfortable nor natural to me. There was a tenseness, a lack of genuine personality that required me to shut down my “Charlotte-ness” without replacing/manipulating it with anything (the way I normally would when acting). My emotions, thoughts, and physicality are very closely connected, so efforts to be Justine in one area would re-enforce the proper instincts in the other areas, which was helpful, but it made it somewhat difficult for me to get back in touch with Charlotte when the exercise was over. My face and personality was too flat, too expressionless and cold afterwards. I am used to my acting persona lingering for a few seconds or minutes, so this was not surprising or disturbing; but I did note it with a little concern because I was already feeling quite drained from Julius Caesar rehearsals and such, so the last thing I needed would be to get stuck somewhere that pushed my emotions out of sight and made me feel even more inhuman. As it was, I spent the week feeling quite out of touch with myself and rather inhuman, and I wonder how much this had to do with my time spent as Justine. Though, in Justine’s defense, I was spending far more time being an insane bum for Caesar than I was being Justine, so it is likely that the soothsayer had a greater influence on my mentality this week than she did.
I wasn’t sure that I really captured Justine (what with so little practice and all) or that I really was effectively distinctive in my acting. However, Caitlin later told me that she essentially could/did not recognize me(Charlotte) when I was Justine. I take that to be high praise indeed when I’m acting. So I suppose I consider the endeavor at least a partial success. Any critiques or comments/feedback on my ‘performance’ as Justine would be greatly appreciated.
There is a lot more that I have to say about my physicality. I could go into detail in each of the areas I mentioned earlier (dancing, climbing, massaging, acting, flying, etc.), but I think I will leave off here for the sake of length. The topic is fascinating to me and a core part of who I am.
[It also just occurred to me that Justine would feel the same way about the soothsayer that she did about most of the others in the room. He does not have a sense of pride or self-respect. He does not look anyone in the eye for more than a passing glance, and even then his gaze is almost always out of focus. He hides away in the corner, afraid of the unexpected, and often retreats into his own mind, losing awareness of the reality around him.]