"My noble mother, I do perceive here a divided duty..."
I'm in that awkward time of life when I'm still function in my family as a daughter/child but am also actively pursuing my own life that has nothing to do with my family on a day-to-day basis for months at a time. I just backed out of my family's trip to NYC this weekend and I feel really bad about it. They are/will be understanding, of course, but I had told them I was going. I had made the travel plans and the schedule that would let me get everything done by Saturday. When I said I would go, I was putting aside my hesitations and hoping that they would dissolve as the trip got closer and I got excited about seeing my family and visiting the city and seeing a show and meeting our German exchange student. But I didn't get excited. I got tired and ready to crash, just as I foresaw I would. I really truly do want to see my family and be part of one more family vacation before I really have my own life entirely, but all I could think about was how I didn't have a spare moment from about Tuesday until I finally arrived in NYC at midnight Sunday morning. Granted, some of the things eating my time were fun things, so I could have made more time. But at this point, I'm still on schedule and I don't want to see it through. So, I'm here until Tuesday after all. Now I have a proper amount of time to write this essay, do my laundry, eat my food in the fridge, and pack - all of which I was originally supposed to do tonight, in addition to seeing my friend's play. I'm glad I'll be around. I'm glad I'll get to sleep in a couple of days. I'm glad I don't have to go from dance rehearsal to LARP to commuter rail to T to Bus to China Town to hotel on Saturday. Maybe I'll even go to a real church on Sunday. I'll have time to breathe, anyway. NYC is fun, and I would have liked to try to make up for the Feb. break two years ago that I spent in a NYC hotel room writing an overdue paper while my family went and had our family vacation without me. I'd like to make up a bit for all the times I've had papers to write during break that stopped me from being a part of the family. But when I think of the City right now I think of more places to be and things to do and no time to sit around and be lazy.
I've been busy this semester, but not with schoolwork. I feel like I haven't earned this break, academically. But I definitely need this break anyway, since I've still been putting out a lot of energy. Energy into all sorts of things. I've been in a really good place lately. I've been happy with my life and how I handle it. I've been psychologically healthy, by and large, which is always nice and not something I like to take for granted. I don't want to push myself to go on this trip if it means that I'm pushing myself to a less healthy place. I don't want to crash on Monday and ruin everyone's fun time. Or, I don't want to have to put off a crash until I get home and have it be worse than it would have otherwise been. So I'm playing it safe. Playing it lazy. I'm choosing to be the independent adult with her own schedule rather than the dutiful daughter who is automatically written into the family plans. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad to be missing it. Part of me really likes being that daughter. I love my family and family vacations are always fun. But I still know that this is the right choice. I'm feeling relieved and ready to let go of my rigid schedule tonight. All of this free time and lack of academic pressure has spoiled me. I get a couple of booked days and all I want to do is go climb trees or curl up and watch movies. Or go on a walk. Or cook. I'm going to go cook now.
I've been busy this semester, but not with schoolwork. I feel like I haven't earned this break, academically. But I definitely need this break anyway, since I've still been putting out a lot of energy. Energy into all sorts of things. I've been in a really good place lately. I've been happy with my life and how I handle it. I've been psychologically healthy, by and large, which is always nice and not something I like to take for granted. I don't want to push myself to go on this trip if it means that I'm pushing myself to a less healthy place. I don't want to crash on Monday and ruin everyone's fun time. Or, I don't want to have to put off a crash until I get home and have it be worse than it would have otherwise been. So I'm playing it safe. Playing it lazy. I'm choosing to be the independent adult with her own schedule rather than the dutiful daughter who is automatically written into the family plans. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad to be missing it. Part of me really likes being that daughter. I love my family and family vacations are always fun. But I still know that this is the right choice. I'm feeling relieved and ready to let go of my rigid schedule tonight. All of this free time and lack of academic pressure has spoiled me. I get a couple of booked days and all I want to do is go climb trees or curl up and watch movies. Or go on a walk. Or cook. I'm going to go cook now.