I'm A Major Fuck Up
I may not have had the best life, but I haven't had the worst life.
Things happened this weekend with Maira that I fear will forever ruin our lives.
Maira foun an IM of a gross nature and questioned my sexual orientation (if you found it yourself). However, despite her claims, it was all a sick and twisted joke that I shuld never have done. It was awful and it hurt her. I apologized and even slept on the couch. What makes it worse is that it put doubt in her min about me and I could forever lose her. However, she talked to me and we eventually got ver it. Not entirely, but we were fine. We lost the 3 day rule and she's being more open in meeting people. As much as it pains to think of her with another person, it is her life. And i want her to be happy.
Then after a oving convo she calls me at 3 AM, the night before I have jury duty to say that she found a website profile of me. It was fucked up. It was a Bisexual site. It had my sn, my name, my location, even my fucking dick size. Given while I was looking at this at first I was still waking up and didn't immediately burst into anger. Someone or some people put a profile claiming I was looking for women and couples. Just to make it clear to everyone who reads this, I am in no way a homosexual, a bisexual, or curious. I love vaginas and from natural women, not those sex changers. It could be anyone. Even my best friend. I hope it isn't anyone close to me. Despite that bullshit, it wasn't me who found out. It was Maira. And now she's more distraught then ever. She hates me. She loathes me and to no surprise, wants almost nothing to do with me. This is where I get sick and dwnright act like a scared baby. I am scared. I more scared then I ever been. I wish none of this ever happened. I want to kill whoever put me on there. Even if it one of my friends. But what I am most ashmed of is the pain and aggravation Maira is going through. The woman loves me (or so she did) and for her to se al this is eating her up inside. I pain over this, but I'd most likely react the same way fi the tables were turned. I'd be wondering and doubting and wishing it all were untrue. But it's there now. If I could give my life for her to never have gone through this or feel th confusion and pain she is in now, I would. Without a blink of hesitation. I'd throw myself in the fire to rid her of this. It hurts to see her put up with this and go through it and I am greatly sorry for it all. I wish I could do something.
She has points though. There have been other profiles of me on matching sites like Face The Jury. We have talked about them and how some were before her or during the time we were split from each other. With the compound of this otehr profile, though not of my doing, justify me losing her?
Do I deserve to get my ass whooped? Do I deserve to lose my love? Do I deserve her staying at my side and finding out the evil soul behind that shit together? Do I deserve to be loved by her? Over 2 years. Engagement. Fighting long distance. Being a part of her life and heart. And should it end over this?
She is in Tallahasse now and not able to see me in person. The next time we see each other is December 10. Do I wait for her? Should she just be rid of me now? Should she love me to death as she does and stick by my side? Do I let it go and let her be free of me?
Of course I wish for us to be forever intertwined. But I guess I am powerless to teh laws of chance and she will depend on the hands of fate.
I am sorry for putting you through this Maira.
I always have and do love you with my heart an mind and life. But is it enough anymore?
Things happened this weekend with Maira that I fear will forever ruin our lives.
Maira foun an IM of a gross nature and questioned my sexual orientation (if you found it yourself). However, despite her claims, it was all a sick and twisted joke that I shuld never have done. It was awful and it hurt her. I apologized and even slept on the couch. What makes it worse is that it put doubt in her min about me and I could forever lose her. However, she talked to me and we eventually got ver it. Not entirely, but we were fine. We lost the 3 day rule and she's being more open in meeting people. As much as it pains to think of her with another person, it is her life. And i want her to be happy.
Then after a oving convo she calls me at 3 AM, the night before I have jury duty to say that she found a website profile of me. It was fucked up. It was a Bisexual site. It had my sn, my name, my location, even my fucking dick size. Given while I was looking at this at first I was still waking up and didn't immediately burst into anger. Someone or some people put a profile claiming I was looking for women and couples. Just to make it clear to everyone who reads this, I am in no way a homosexual, a bisexual, or curious. I love vaginas and from natural women, not those sex changers. It could be anyone. Even my best friend. I hope it isn't anyone close to me. Despite that bullshit, it wasn't me who found out. It was Maira. And now she's more distraught then ever. She hates me. She loathes me and to no surprise, wants almost nothing to do with me. This is where I get sick and dwnright act like a scared baby. I am scared. I more scared then I ever been. I wish none of this ever happened. I want to kill whoever put me on there. Even if it one of my friends. But what I am most ashmed of is the pain and aggravation Maira is going through. The woman loves me (or so she did) and for her to se al this is eating her up inside. I pain over this, but I'd most likely react the same way fi the tables were turned. I'd be wondering and doubting and wishing it all were untrue. But it's there now. If I could give my life for her to never have gone through this or feel th confusion and pain she is in now, I would. Without a blink of hesitation. I'd throw myself in the fire to rid her of this. It hurts to see her put up with this and go through it and I am greatly sorry for it all. I wish I could do something.
She has points though. There have been other profiles of me on matching sites like Face The Jury. We have talked about them and how some were before her or during the time we were split from each other. With the compound of this otehr profile, though not of my doing, justify me losing her?
Do I deserve to get my ass whooped? Do I deserve to lose my love? Do I deserve her staying at my side and finding out the evil soul behind that shit together? Do I deserve to be loved by her? Over 2 years. Engagement. Fighting long distance. Being a part of her life and heart. And should it end over this?
She is in Tallahasse now and not able to see me in person. The next time we see each other is December 10. Do I wait for her? Should she just be rid of me now? Should she love me to death as she does and stick by my side? Do I let it go and let her be free of me?
Of course I wish for us to be forever intertwined. But I guess I am powerless to teh laws of chance and she will depend on the hands of fate.
I am sorry for putting you through this Maira.
I always have and do love you with my heart an mind and life. But is it enough anymore?