so yesterday i had a really weird day. i have these random talks with my ex that normally leave me pissed off and confused about things. yesterday was unlike any day i have ever had though.
she sparked something in me that made me question myself. I had to have a come to jesus talk with myself and i knew it wasnt going to be an easy conversation. I am on the elliptical machine staring at the same wall i have several times this week and getting through my run. I start thinking about why i do things that make me happy and if they really make me happy or just ease the unhappiness out for a little while.
so it was kinda stream of consiousness that got really rambly and spiritual while at the same time made complete sense to me at the time. since i was at the gym working out its not like i had the chance to write it down and i was just far too gone into it to put anything down on paper. my bad.
so anyways ...
im running and i started asking myself if quiting the vices really made any sense. this was the starting point. i have been smoke free for 2 weeks today. i had a minor cheat on the fourth but it was barely two drags and i could have done worse with second hand should i wanted to so i dont count it. i asked myself if quitting smoking made me happy. i was being honest with myself and my answer was that if i wanted to do something why should i prevent myself from doing it just becuause there is potential risk. the same could be said for bungee jumping or skydiving. thats why they make you fill out waivers.
so if quitting doesnt really do me any good other then "positive" health effects, which i think is shit, so why did i quit. I didnt really have a reason because i can afford it and im used to it now so its not a big deal to me. most of my family smokes and they do alright. So why? i didnt have an answer that made any sense to me personally. Because its bad for me is bullshit because i eat crap in stores full of things bad for me not to mention have a super unhealthy job where i sit dormant for hours on end without moving more then my fingers while typing. so it just didnt make sense.
Then i questioned drinking. Now im fairly sure that at some point i will stop drinking entirely. not now or soon but eventually. Its in my nature to give things up that i no longer need and eventually i will no longer need booze. like i said, not soon. so i was like well i can understand slowing down my drinking and switching drinking days for working out days because it has the opposite effect for me. i can see positive benefits that provide me with happiness, losing weight and gaining self confidence while at the same time providing me with something to actually tire out my body rather then throw empty calories at it. so i told myself i know i like working out.
then i started asking myself about the other things i do and started to wonder if the reason i do any of it is because it really makes me happy. I found that more and more of the things i did didnt really mean anything to me. I did them to pass the time and that i didnt really enjoy doing them. it made me think about something that i dont often like to admit that i do but i thought about my buddy ken and suicide. i started to wonder if ken had gotten to the same place in his life where he realized he had nothing that really made him happy and couldnt find any reason to wake up and do the day to day. I know i have had those mornings where i just want to give up. so i started thinking why i dont, what reasons stop me from not doing it. i was hoping to have a nice long list and i didnt. it was a short list, a very short list. i realized that i really did have no goals or aspirations, i have done most of what i wanted out of life from when i was a child. I have traveled, i have loved, and i have enjoyed what i have experienced both good and bad. i was just blank at this point. it was like someone hit pause because at this time i was on the bike and i just stopped pedaling.
i had to back pedal a bit in my thought process because at this point i had deviated from what my original thought was. what makes me happy? so i stopped and got back on track. thinking about that stuff did me no good and definitely did not make me happy. i had to regroup. so again i thought about it and it started to click in my head, only a few of the many tumblers clicked and it was like a glimpse of a picture that is far greater then you can take in at once. I then realized that i was lost. i made the jump to religion because after many years in catholic school, the symbology has stuck. i was a lamb led astray and i needed to find my shepard. i had stopped moving down a definite path and i had started just wandering without aim. that without a shepard to lead me down a path, i was going to continue being lost. if nothing else just someone or something to point me back in the right direction. I was actually really pleased with this image i had come up with in my head, odd that identifying my own flaw would make me smile.
so im finishing my last sett of weights at this point and my mind just goes crazy. yea i know, like that wasnt crazy enough as it is. i have been a shoulder to lean on for some folks going through their own tough times and i started thinking about how much i needed someone to tell me the same things and for me to really try to understand what it meant. it made me seem hypocritical too tell people these pearls of wisdom when i cant even understand it myself. how am i helping them when i cant even help myself. i knew at this point i was treading on some really deep thinking because i couldnt get my heart rate down. i got home and sat down and really noticed how fast my heart had been beating. i spent the next three or four hours sitting at home trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head.
i couldnt stop thinking about this and trying to figure out what it is that is going on with my life.