Fic: Sleeper, I'm Awake (1/4)
Sorry for spamming the flist today, guys, but I've written constantly on this Veronica Mars fic this weekend and I think it's time for me to post it. I really have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm hoping there are some nice people on my friend's list that can give me some con crit. :) This is my first time writing in the vm fandom... plus I'm not a native speaker *bites nails* Feedback would be awesome. :)
Title: Sleeper, I'm Awake
Author: Nemo
Pairing/Character: Logan/Veroncia, Duncan/Veronica, Wallace, Keith
Word Count: 2300 (this part)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Veronica finds out she’s got Chlamydia a little bit earlier. Set in Season 2, before Donut Run.
Spoilers/Warnings: Angst. Deals with Veronica's rape. Up till 2x22 just to be sure.
Author's Note:I don't particularly like Duncan and I'm afraid that might show in my way of dealing with his part of what happened at Shelly’s. Just a warning. And did I mention this is angst? :P
Thanks to just_anns for betaing. (Heh! I can use Lux's feed now! *grin*)
Prologue
Lying in her bed is comforting. It’s warm and the sheets are soft and smooth against her skin. When she was little the warmth of a bed used to make her feel utterly safe, like in the arms of her father, where nothing could harm her. Now she knows better; memories of waking up with the taste of tequila on her tongue, in sheets smelling of expensive fabric softeners, fresh on her mind like it was yesterday. Still, she stays in her familiar warmth, because somehow the world melts away there and it’s no longer as harsh and there are no longer people with their lies and questions.
And she is the expert on those things.
She rarely sleeps, and when she does, it’s only for short amounts of time. She’s too scared to let herself get lost in dreams and nightmares of ’who?’s and ’how?’s. She stares blankly at her ceiling and for a moment she’s in control.
Like when she’s cleaning. But there’s only so much cleaning a girl can do before her father makes jokes about hiring her full time and all the washing has turned her fingers into pink raisins. In the end her room is cleaner than a shrine in a catholic church.
She expects her father to question it more, after all she thought he knew her better than that. Turns out she was wrong. She told him something about a fight with Duncan - which was true - and he accepted it with a concerned nod.
And she’s left alone. To the nothing she hides in under her covers.
Part One
“I have Chlamydia,” she says, and he looks at her like she‘s grown another head, his confusion hidden in a laugh when he answers.
“What?”
“Chlamydia. It’s a disease. I’m pretty sure they brought it up in health. You know, right before we got the plastic babies.”
Now he’s scared. He frowns, his face not showing any emotion, but it’s clear he considers his reply.
“How do you know?”
It sounds stupid to both of their ears.
“I know, okay? Had one of the less fun experiences of my life at the doctor‘s today, and you know with my track record that is saying something.” Her voice is harsh, her jaw clenched and when she looks at him there’s anger in her eyes. “So, care to explain? Elaborate?”
“Wait. What?” And now she gets a reaction, he stands up, offended. “Are you accusing me of...Are you saying I gave you chlamydia?”
“Well, who else, Duncan?”
“I don’t know! Anybody!“
“Right. Anybody! Cause there’s so many to choose from.” Sarcasm laces with her anger as the tears start to form in her eyes. She holds them back, trying to stay all business but her emotions are betraying her.
“So just tell me. Have you been seeing someone else? “
He lets out a manic laugh, resorting to sarcasm, usually her weapon of choice. “Hey, you’re the PI, can’t you figure that out? I thought cheating husbands are your specialty. Wanna bug me? Put up some cameras? Go ahead!”
“Just answer the question, Duncan!”
“First I gave you chlamydia, now I’m a cheater too?!” He asks in disbelief.
The words resonates in her mind, digging up old lines and speeches of ’first I’m a murderer, now I’m a rapist too?’. She turns her head away, she’s not able to look at him now. It’s too fresh, too painful.
There’s a short moment when only his heavy breath and a muffled sniffle from Veronica keeps them from the silence.
“Veronica, I don’t have chlamydia.”
“How do you know! You can go for months without knowing, without feeling a thing!”
“We’ve always used protection, there is no way-”
“It’s not a hundred percent safe!”
“I don’t have chlamydia, and I didn’t give it to you. I swear. “ A beat. “And I‘m not cheating-”
“Duncan-”
“How can you even think that for a second?”
“Can’t you just take the stupid test?! Please!”
He looks at her, considering his options before gritting out: “Fine.”
And he turns into his bedroom and slams the door as he goes. Veronica is left in the main room of the suite with tears running down her cheeks.
* * *
Two days.
It takes two days for Wallace to come over. She’s a little disappointed, even though she knows she has no right to be; he has been busy with practice and that thing called school which she ignores.
She hears him greet her father, not bothering to knock before he steps in. He’s practically family after all.
“Hey, Mr. Mars.”
“Hey, Wallace. What have you got there?”
“Chicken soup. Fennel’s finest. My mom heard Veronica is sick and she-”
“Veronica’s not sick.”
“No? I just figured when she didn’t come to school and… um… “
Veronica can practically hear Wallace stiffen, realizing his mistake, not sure if he’s meant to cover for her or not. She smiles to herself. A true BFF.
“Veronica?”
Keith’s voice grows louder as he walks toward her room and pops his head in.
“You okay, honey?”
She sits up, smiling one of her best smiles.
“Uh huh. Just a little headache and my throat is not feeling too hot either.”
Keith sits down beside her, puts his hand on her forehead for a moment with a concerned frown. He ruffles her hair slightly before getting up.
“You don’t have a fever,” he says. He’s not convinced and Veronica can tell. “I know you’re eighteen now, honey, but if you’re home from school I want to know. I‘m not letting you skip class.”
“’kay.”
“And have some chicken soup. I‘m sure it will do you good,” he says on his way out.
Wallace is left alone with Veronica. He puts the soup on her desk and studies her.
“Girl, you look like shit.”
“Don’t start with me, Wallace.”
“I’m just saying.”
Veronica falls back onto the bed. Fingers her walkman. She’s uncharacteristically quiet.
Wallace digs through his backpack. “So it’s either ‘South Park: the Movie’ or ‘Team America‘. You have a pick.”
“Wallace…”
“What?”
“I’m not really up for Trey Parker’s 5-year-old brain right now,” she answers tiredly.
“Oh, that’s cool. I can drop by the video store, get some other stuff-”
“Wallace, I’m not really in the mood.”
The boy scrutinizes her, trying to read her, but her expression is blank.
“Veronica, are we okay?” he asks her, his tone serious. And now he just made it sound like they are dating. Wallace groans inwardly.
She smiles amused at him when she answers, “Yes, Wallace, we are okay.”
“So…”
“I’m just tired.”
“And you want me to leave.” It’s not a question. He does know how to read her signals, even if she’s not sharing.
“I just need some time alone. Girl time, you know.”
“I don’t.“ He studies her again, hoping to find some more clues. “Veronica, are you okay?”
She takes a deep breath, and answering is harder than it should be. “Yes, I’m okay.”
The words sound hollow to both of them. Wallace stands silent for a moment, watching her before he nods.
“I’ll leave the soup. That is some good stuff. You feel better, okay? ”
“I’m not hungry.”
He ignores her. And leaves.
* * *
The next time Wallace comes over, the day after, he’s convinced that they should hang out, because he ‘can’t let her mope and be all emo’. She’s still lying on her bed, rock music is blaring from the speakers of her stereo and Wallace spends most of the time doing his homework at her desk.
The third time Wallace comes over he asks her.
“Did you and Duncan have a fight?”
And he scolds himself for sounding like a typical girlfriend, but reminds himself that to Veronica he’s as close as it gets. Because she doesn’t have any girlfriends.
“Not really.”
“Your dad told me you and Duncan had some kind of a fall out.”
She doesn’t answer.
“You’re not taking his calls. In my book that’s a little too much avoidance for the all time happy couple.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
And they don’t.
* * *
When the subject is brought up again it’s been more than a week. One week of awkward conversations and avoidance. One week and he doesn’t touch her once. Like the chlamydia is seeping out of her skin and he could catch it just by holding her hand. Veronica feels like she’s infected with the plague, but she’s not so sure she wants him to touch her now.
“I got the result back today,” he says, and even if he doesn’t mean it, there’s a ’I told you so’ in his tone that makes Veronica queasy. “I don’t have it. I don‘t have chlamydia.”
“Oh,” is her weak response, and she truly doesn’t know what to say.
“So there’s no need to go accusing me of things, Veronica. You just set me out as the bad guy, every time, don’t you?”
“I’m sorry,” she says, not really listening, her thoughts someplace else.
“Maybe I’m the one who should ask if you’re seeing someone else, maybe I’m the one who should ask where you got it from?”
“Oh god,” she mumbles under her breath and her eyes are filled with panic when they find Duncan’s. Her hand comes up to her mouth as she bites back a sob, and her fingers run through her blonde hair.
“I need to get out of here,” she says and her voice is shaky.
“Veronica!” Duncan’s hand is on her arm, stopping her. He‘s surprised. “You just gonna leave?” he asks in disbelief.
“I don’t know!” she practically screams, “I don’t know anything.”
“Well, maybe you should ask Logan about it, “ Duncan says, his tone cold and accusing. “I’m sure he can give you an answer.”
Veronica sobers up, narrowing her eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh come on, the guy slept with Kendall, for Christ’s sake.”
“Logan and I never-”
“You expect me to believe that?”
She‘s surprised at his lack of faith in her. She takes a moment before answering. “Yeah, I do.”
* * *
When she gets home she cleans. Pulls out the entire content of her wardrobe and starts to scrub the insides fiercely with a damp washcloth. She sorts, scrutinizes and categorizes it all after color, style and time of purchase. There’s a small pile on her bedroom floor that speaks of Lilly in languages she’s no longer familiar with. Pink and baby blue cardigans and light summer dresses she hasn’t had the heart to throw out.
Not that dress, the white one with the thin straps. She cut it into pieces long ago. There was too much pain bundled up in one small piece of fabric for her to keep it. She burned the shreds and thought it would make her feel better.
It didn’t.
* * *
Four days, and Duncan is standing at her bedside. He smiles sheepishly.
“Wallace told me to come see you. Apparently he was sick of sympathy moping with you.”
She doesn’t respond.
“I tried calling.“
“I know,” she says, but doesn’t look at him.
“So you’re purposely ignoring me, is that it?”
“You are perceptive.”
“Fine,” he grits out, frustrated. “Let‘s not do this. Let‘s not be reasonable about it.“
“Sounds good enough for me,” she answers flatly, still refusing to look at him.
“Great.” He says.
And leaves.
* * *
“Honey, I thought you knew we don’t give Back-up human food.”
“I haven’t fed him anything but dog food.” Veronica says and sits up on her bed. “Besides, I made that rule.”
“Then why is this mac and cheese still untouched?” Keith is holding up the saucepan so that she can see it. “It‘s not going to disappear all by itself, you know.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Honey, you’re never hungry, that’s what worries me. I haven‘t seen you eat in days, you skip school without my knowledge, you sleep all day, don‘t socialize…”
“And I’m usually the queen of socializing,” Veronica says. “Maybe I should call up my friends in the pep squad so we can girl talk!” she adds with fake enthusiasm.
“What’s going on, honey?”
“I’m fine, Dad,” she rolls her eyes at him for good measure. “You don’t have to worry.”
“Well, I’m a dad, it’s what’s dad’s do, and I think I have reasons this time.“
“I had some cereal earlier, really, I’m fine.”
But Keith Mars is a PI not just by profession, it’s in his nature and he’s not convinced. But Veronica is not a case, not a cheating husband or a bail jumper and not one of the many interrogation techniques he knows will work on her.
It’s at times like these he wishes Lianne is still around.
* * *
“Maybe we should ask Logan to talk to her?” Wallace asks hesitantly. Talking to friends’ parents is scary. Especially when you’re suggesting a particular someone this father dislikes is the answer to his daughter’s problems. Wallace and Keith are friendly, but not that friendly.
“Logan.” It’s a statement, but there is disapproval in his tone.
“I just thought- She seems so distant, you know? She’s just lying there, man. She won’t talk to me, not to Duncan. She and Logan… they had some kinda connection, they used to talk-” about things girls don’t tell their fathers… “-I don’t like it either, but it can’t hurt, right?”
“I’m afraid it will,” Keith says bitterly.
“Forget it, it was just a thought… I’m just getting really worried.”
“Me too, Wallace. But Logan is usually the problem, not the solution. I‘m not sure he’s an innocent in this. Why don‘t you ask if he knows something?”
“Sure, Mr. Mars.”
Part 2
Title: Sleeper, I'm Awake
Author: Nemo
Pairing/Character: Logan/Veroncia, Duncan/Veronica, Wallace, Keith
Word Count: 2300 (this part)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Veronica finds out she’s got Chlamydia a little bit earlier. Set in Season 2, before Donut Run.
Spoilers/Warnings: Angst. Deals with Veronica's rape. Up till 2x22 just to be sure.
Author's Note:I don't particularly like Duncan and I'm afraid that might show in my way of dealing with his part of what happened at Shelly’s. Just a warning. And did I mention this is angst? :P
Thanks to just_anns for betaing. (Heh! I can use Lux's feed now! *grin*)
Prologue
Lying in her bed is comforting. It’s warm and the sheets are soft and smooth against her skin. When she was little the warmth of a bed used to make her feel utterly safe, like in the arms of her father, where nothing could harm her. Now she knows better; memories of waking up with the taste of tequila on her tongue, in sheets smelling of expensive fabric softeners, fresh on her mind like it was yesterday. Still, she stays in her familiar warmth, because somehow the world melts away there and it’s no longer as harsh and there are no longer people with their lies and questions.
And she is the expert on those things.
She rarely sleeps, and when she does, it’s only for short amounts of time. She’s too scared to let herself get lost in dreams and nightmares of ’who?’s and ’how?’s. She stares blankly at her ceiling and for a moment she’s in control.
Like when she’s cleaning. But there’s only so much cleaning a girl can do before her father makes jokes about hiring her full time and all the washing has turned her fingers into pink raisins. In the end her room is cleaner than a shrine in a catholic church.
She expects her father to question it more, after all she thought he knew her better than that. Turns out she was wrong. She told him something about a fight with Duncan - which was true - and he accepted it with a concerned nod.
And she’s left alone. To the nothing she hides in under her covers.
Part One
“I have Chlamydia,” she says, and he looks at her like she‘s grown another head, his confusion hidden in a laugh when he answers.
“What?”
“Chlamydia. It’s a disease. I’m pretty sure they brought it up in health. You know, right before we got the plastic babies.”
Now he’s scared. He frowns, his face not showing any emotion, but it’s clear he considers his reply.
“How do you know?”
It sounds stupid to both of their ears.
“I know, okay? Had one of the less fun experiences of my life at the doctor‘s today, and you know with my track record that is saying something.” Her voice is harsh, her jaw clenched and when she looks at him there’s anger in her eyes. “So, care to explain? Elaborate?”
“Wait. What?” And now she gets a reaction, he stands up, offended. “Are you accusing me of...Are you saying I gave you chlamydia?”
“Well, who else, Duncan?”
“I don’t know! Anybody!“
“Right. Anybody! Cause there’s so many to choose from.” Sarcasm laces with her anger as the tears start to form in her eyes. She holds them back, trying to stay all business but her emotions are betraying her.
“So just tell me. Have you been seeing someone else? “
He lets out a manic laugh, resorting to sarcasm, usually her weapon of choice. “Hey, you’re the PI, can’t you figure that out? I thought cheating husbands are your specialty. Wanna bug me? Put up some cameras? Go ahead!”
“Just answer the question, Duncan!”
“First I gave you chlamydia, now I’m a cheater too?!” He asks in disbelief.
The words resonates in her mind, digging up old lines and speeches of ’first I’m a murderer, now I’m a rapist too?’. She turns her head away, she’s not able to look at him now. It’s too fresh, too painful.
There’s a short moment when only his heavy breath and a muffled sniffle from Veronica keeps them from the silence.
“Veronica, I don’t have chlamydia.”
“How do you know! You can go for months without knowing, without feeling a thing!”
“We’ve always used protection, there is no way-”
“It’s not a hundred percent safe!”
“I don’t have chlamydia, and I didn’t give it to you. I swear. “ A beat. “And I‘m not cheating-”
“Duncan-”
“How can you even think that for a second?”
“Can’t you just take the stupid test?! Please!”
He looks at her, considering his options before gritting out: “Fine.”
And he turns into his bedroom and slams the door as he goes. Veronica is left in the main room of the suite with tears running down her cheeks.
* * *
Two days.
It takes two days for Wallace to come over. She’s a little disappointed, even though she knows she has no right to be; he has been busy with practice and that thing called school which she ignores.
She hears him greet her father, not bothering to knock before he steps in. He’s practically family after all.
“Hey, Mr. Mars.”
“Hey, Wallace. What have you got there?”
“Chicken soup. Fennel’s finest. My mom heard Veronica is sick and she-”
“Veronica’s not sick.”
“No? I just figured when she didn’t come to school and… um… “
Veronica can practically hear Wallace stiffen, realizing his mistake, not sure if he’s meant to cover for her or not. She smiles to herself. A true BFF.
“Veronica?”
Keith’s voice grows louder as he walks toward her room and pops his head in.
“You okay, honey?”
She sits up, smiling one of her best smiles.
“Uh huh. Just a little headache and my throat is not feeling too hot either.”
Keith sits down beside her, puts his hand on her forehead for a moment with a concerned frown. He ruffles her hair slightly before getting up.
“You don’t have a fever,” he says. He’s not convinced and Veronica can tell. “I know you’re eighteen now, honey, but if you’re home from school I want to know. I‘m not letting you skip class.”
“’kay.”
“And have some chicken soup. I‘m sure it will do you good,” he says on his way out.
Wallace is left alone with Veronica. He puts the soup on her desk and studies her.
“Girl, you look like shit.”
“Don’t start with me, Wallace.”
“I’m just saying.”
Veronica falls back onto the bed. Fingers her walkman. She’s uncharacteristically quiet.
Wallace digs through his backpack. “So it’s either ‘South Park: the Movie’ or ‘Team America‘. You have a pick.”
“Wallace…”
“What?”
“I’m not really up for Trey Parker’s 5-year-old brain right now,” she answers tiredly.
“Oh, that’s cool. I can drop by the video store, get some other stuff-”
“Wallace, I’m not really in the mood.”
The boy scrutinizes her, trying to read her, but her expression is blank.
“Veronica, are we okay?” he asks her, his tone serious. And now he just made it sound like they are dating. Wallace groans inwardly.
She smiles amused at him when she answers, “Yes, Wallace, we are okay.”
“So…”
“I’m just tired.”
“And you want me to leave.” It’s not a question. He does know how to read her signals, even if she’s not sharing.
“I just need some time alone. Girl time, you know.”
“I don’t.“ He studies her again, hoping to find some more clues. “Veronica, are you okay?”
She takes a deep breath, and answering is harder than it should be. “Yes, I’m okay.”
The words sound hollow to both of them. Wallace stands silent for a moment, watching her before he nods.
“I’ll leave the soup. That is some good stuff. You feel better, okay? ”
“I’m not hungry.”
He ignores her. And leaves.
* * *
The next time Wallace comes over, the day after, he’s convinced that they should hang out, because he ‘can’t let her mope and be all emo’. She’s still lying on her bed, rock music is blaring from the speakers of her stereo and Wallace spends most of the time doing his homework at her desk.
The third time Wallace comes over he asks her.
“Did you and Duncan have a fight?”
And he scolds himself for sounding like a typical girlfriend, but reminds himself that to Veronica he’s as close as it gets. Because she doesn’t have any girlfriends.
“Not really.”
“Your dad told me you and Duncan had some kind of a fall out.”
She doesn’t answer.
“You’re not taking his calls. In my book that’s a little too much avoidance for the all time happy couple.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
And they don’t.
* * *
When the subject is brought up again it’s been more than a week. One week of awkward conversations and avoidance. One week and he doesn’t touch her once. Like the chlamydia is seeping out of her skin and he could catch it just by holding her hand. Veronica feels like she’s infected with the plague, but she’s not so sure she wants him to touch her now.
“I got the result back today,” he says, and even if he doesn’t mean it, there’s a ’I told you so’ in his tone that makes Veronica queasy. “I don’t have it. I don‘t have chlamydia.”
“Oh,” is her weak response, and she truly doesn’t know what to say.
“So there’s no need to go accusing me of things, Veronica. You just set me out as the bad guy, every time, don’t you?”
“I’m sorry,” she says, not really listening, her thoughts someplace else.
“Maybe I’m the one who should ask if you’re seeing someone else, maybe I’m the one who should ask where you got it from?”
“Oh god,” she mumbles under her breath and her eyes are filled with panic when they find Duncan’s. Her hand comes up to her mouth as she bites back a sob, and her fingers run through her blonde hair.
“I need to get out of here,” she says and her voice is shaky.
“Veronica!” Duncan’s hand is on her arm, stopping her. He‘s surprised. “You just gonna leave?” he asks in disbelief.
“I don’t know!” she practically screams, “I don’t know anything.”
“Well, maybe you should ask Logan about it, “ Duncan says, his tone cold and accusing. “I’m sure he can give you an answer.”
Veronica sobers up, narrowing her eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh come on, the guy slept with Kendall, for Christ’s sake.”
“Logan and I never-”
“You expect me to believe that?”
She‘s surprised at his lack of faith in her. She takes a moment before answering. “Yeah, I do.”
* * *
When she gets home she cleans. Pulls out the entire content of her wardrobe and starts to scrub the insides fiercely with a damp washcloth. She sorts, scrutinizes and categorizes it all after color, style and time of purchase. There’s a small pile on her bedroom floor that speaks of Lilly in languages she’s no longer familiar with. Pink and baby blue cardigans and light summer dresses she hasn’t had the heart to throw out.
Not that dress, the white one with the thin straps. She cut it into pieces long ago. There was too much pain bundled up in one small piece of fabric for her to keep it. She burned the shreds and thought it would make her feel better.
It didn’t.
* * *
Four days, and Duncan is standing at her bedside. He smiles sheepishly.
“Wallace told me to come see you. Apparently he was sick of sympathy moping with you.”
She doesn’t respond.
“I tried calling.“
“I know,” she says, but doesn’t look at him.
“So you’re purposely ignoring me, is that it?”
“You are perceptive.”
“Fine,” he grits out, frustrated. “Let‘s not do this. Let‘s not be reasonable about it.“
“Sounds good enough for me,” she answers flatly, still refusing to look at him.
“Great.” He says.
And leaves.
* * *
“Honey, I thought you knew we don’t give Back-up human food.”
“I haven’t fed him anything but dog food.” Veronica says and sits up on her bed. “Besides, I made that rule.”
“Then why is this mac and cheese still untouched?” Keith is holding up the saucepan so that she can see it. “It‘s not going to disappear all by itself, you know.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Honey, you’re never hungry, that’s what worries me. I haven‘t seen you eat in days, you skip school without my knowledge, you sleep all day, don‘t socialize…”
“And I’m usually the queen of socializing,” Veronica says. “Maybe I should call up my friends in the pep squad so we can girl talk!” she adds with fake enthusiasm.
“What’s going on, honey?”
“I’m fine, Dad,” she rolls her eyes at him for good measure. “You don’t have to worry.”
“Well, I’m a dad, it’s what’s dad’s do, and I think I have reasons this time.“
“I had some cereal earlier, really, I’m fine.”
But Keith Mars is a PI not just by profession, it’s in his nature and he’s not convinced. But Veronica is not a case, not a cheating husband or a bail jumper and not one of the many interrogation techniques he knows will work on her.
It’s at times like these he wishes Lianne is still around.
* * *
“Maybe we should ask Logan to talk to her?” Wallace asks hesitantly. Talking to friends’ parents is scary. Especially when you’re suggesting a particular someone this father dislikes is the answer to his daughter’s problems. Wallace and Keith are friendly, but not that friendly.
“Logan.” It’s a statement, but there is disapproval in his tone.
“I just thought- She seems so distant, you know? She’s just lying there, man. She won’t talk to me, not to Duncan. She and Logan… they had some kinda connection, they used to talk-” about things girls don’t tell their fathers… “-I don’t like it either, but it can’t hurt, right?”
“I’m afraid it will,” Keith says bitterly.
“Forget it, it was just a thought… I’m just getting really worried.”
“Me too, Wallace. But Logan is usually the problem, not the solution. I‘m not sure he’s an innocent in this. Why don‘t you ask if he knows something?”
“Sure, Mr. Mars.”
Part 2