This time, everyone stomps their feet but Sookie. Somehow, they don't become more mature that way
Shifters, weres and cheaters Let's begin with the least important one. Tommy dies (finally!), Sam, of course, is upset by this. He and Alcide yell at a random jackass werewolf and tell them how mean and brutal it is to outnumber and then violate someone. Then they start beating him up, two against one. Meanwhile, Alcide didn't even think to call Debbie, so of course she cheats on him. Which she would do in a heart beat, as soon as things go rough. Idk much about her relationship or whatever, but I really don't want to see Marcus naked anymore than I ever want to see Crystal again. Probably even less. Speaking of, where the fuck is Crystal? Fairyland? Let's just hope so.
In other cheater's news, Jason feels bad about sleeping with his best friend's ex, Jessica is annoyed by his conscience and runs away like a stomping, sulking 17-year old (in her defense, she actually IS 17. Can't say that for the rest of her vampire buddies.) This is our law enforcement. Doesn't that make you feel happy and safe? Terry and Arlene corner Andy and start yelling at him, for keeping drugs near their kids. Since Andy is as mature as a GOP candidate, he rolls around and sulks for a while. This leads to Terry and Andy shooting things in the forest (Cause they're American and the American way to deal with things is to give an addict a gun, let him shoot stuff and THEN we'll talk about feelings. Here comes the National Anthemn. Salute!) There's a lot of foot-stomping, Terry and Andy realize they're both screw ups in a way, but somehow Andy takes comfort that he has a better job than his cousin, who's just no addict, happily married and has three beatiful kids. But he's a fry cook, you know. Upon hearing this, they start to wrestle, because they're 5 years old. Then Terry remembers he's awesome and an adult and really weird and leaves the addict with the guns by himself. Yeah, that'll go well.
Wee Little Witches
Holly: Being angry and female qualifies us to all sorts of things! I've read Going Rogue, I know things!
Tara: I'm angry and female all the time and it never helped me. Are you sure about this?
Other witches: We suddenly have phones! Let's use them!
Antonia: *stomps her foot* You made me kill humans! I don't wanna!
Marnie: But they're mean! And on TV! And they're communist queer big government wall street villains! Fat cats! With fangs!
Antonia: Oh, okay then.
Jesus: I am convinced that Marnie is a victim! Here, watch me attempt suicide as I walk into her killing-fence!
Marnie/Antonia: Demon! Awesome! Come in!
Jesus: *does not find this suspicous at all*
Laffayette: Will I be single next season?
Sookie: Let's ALL run into the fence!
Laffayette: Okay, why not.
In some way, Marnie is the kid that always got bullied, realized that guns make her feel powerful, then killed her tormenters, but didn't stop there. Laffayette realizes that his boyfriend might be too naive to survive this, but he's willing to take that chance, because he'd do everything for Tara, it's why he runs in with Sookie. And Sook... she just wants to save everyone and pretend that the whole world is just rainbows and roses.
The best revelation of this plot was really that Marnie is still in control, instead of Antonia. Does this mean Antonia will at some point switch into Laffayette's body to stop Marnie? Or did she just want to further encourage Marnie, and isn't as distraught about the "casualties" as she pretends to be? There was a real Debbie Pelt moment there, where I wasn't 100% sure wtf was up and who was really in charge, but then Marnie was vengeful and sort of crazy and possessed by the start and she could always control her spirits, other than Laffayette who was just possessed by them.
Judge for yourself:
Vampires: They have fangs, that's why they can't have pacifiers
Sookie rescues Beel with her annoying glowy hands, then jumps in between her two boyfriends, because she's suicidal. Nan's kind of thunderstruck and starts calling and texting powerful "factions within factions" about what just happened, but noone pays any attention to this, because of how we're not in the 21st century, if we don't wanna be (more on that later).
Then there's the hilarious part where Nan stabs a sheriff with a pen, proving that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Because if I admit that she sort of saved Beel's life (or at least helped save it) with her actions, I get too frustrated with him and his response.
Then she calls heaven and hell, to make sure everyone forgets this ever happened, so she'll still be able to go on Talk Shows and shit, while Eric comes to himself and doesn't inform pam, cause he's too busy remembering that he lurrrves Beel. They stare into each other's eyes, smile and start holding hands, while Sookie is convinced that they do this because they love her.
Now kiss! You know you want to!
Eric and Sookie: They have a talk in which Sookie suddenly loves Bill again for no real reason. People will moan and bitch about how she can love someone so cruel and manipulative, while Eric (to prove this exact point) will encourage Bill to kill lots of people, so Sookie will see that Bill is capable of that. Also because killing people is fun. And it's worth to kill and stuff, just to see Nan's head explode. Also, Jessica and Pam really WANT TO. And they're just humans - to which Bill finally agrees. (He'll deny it later, though.) In short: Sookie loves both Eric and Beel, Eric loves Sookie and Beel, but there's no awesome threeway happening, because we already go that useless non-sexy something last episode. Don't be greedy!
Nan: You're such a fuck-up! Didn't you tell me, you caught the viking BECAUSE he was under witch-control and a possible Russell 2.0? And you let this person run around and BE a fucking Russell duplicate WHY? Speak, imbecile!
Beel: Ah... ah... he just has such pretty eyes and he said he was harmless and that I looked pretty and we should all pet unicorns.... it sounded like a good idea at the time - oh, shut up, this is all your fault!
Nan: Come again, bitch?
Beel: Well, it's your fault that I send a vampire to threaten witches and he woke up a 400-year old enraged witch! You didn't order me to do that, but ah have decided that since you do not know the details, ah will pretend me and mah sexy viking did not cause this mess! Also, it's your fault that Pam is a zombie on youtube! And that Sookie broke up with me and ah had nothing left to do but fuck my relatives! And that there's a human out there who will run screaming at the sight of me, because I glamoured her to do that! And that ah did not think to glamour the witch out of doing witchcraft ever again when she was in mah control, because you distracted me with your... your skype!
Nan: Everyone who was a danger escaped you while you were busy with - according to your emails - mocking bee keepers. Yet you continued to go against every order I ever gave you - and this is my fault how?
Beel: Shut up, ah will call the authoritay, even though ah have only been in contact with them through you... shit. Never mind. Ah am the authoritay! This is Spartaaaaaa!!!! We will kill and threaten more people now, whether you like it or not!
Nan: Um, problem: This is the 21st century?
Eric: Women keep saying that around me. If I just ignore it, it won't become true!
Beel: Get out of my house, sane blonde women! Yeah, that somehow includes you Ssssuckeh!
Eric: I've decided I like this king. I'm gonna encourage this behaviour for multiple reasons!
Pam: I also like anyone who allows me to kill people! Can I do it in front of video cameras again? Can I, please?
Beel: Sure, anything to piss my boss off!
Nan: I'm surrounded by IDIOTS!
Sookie is against it, but doesn't really know that Nan is, so she stomps her foot, runs away from her only vampire ally in this matter and storms out. Sadly, she'll still continue to love and fuck both of these vampires who are willing to kill her friends. For some reason.
And here is the weird part. People keep saying that Nan is responsible for whatever Beel does. However, she has condoned all of his bullshit from the start and ordered him to do the opposite of what he's done from the get-go. He was hired, because of his humanitayyyyy bullshit and because he believed that humans shouldn't die, that their lives counted for something. Yet, he can't even listen to the woman he (supposedly) loves when she tells him that the only witch who wants them any real harm is Antonia/Marnie and that there are innocent lives at stake.
Somehow, Beel, who's supposed to be the "good guy", has taken the side of the vampires, but just the ones who share his pov: Keeling is necessary! Americans do that! Idealism! Death to the infidels! Women who oppose me are irrelevant! Ah do not have to listen to anyone, ah am keeeeeeng! USA! USA! USA...
Interestingly enough, he is a lot like Marnie right now. He constructed the whole mess, but paints himself as a victim. He pretends to be right, but goes against anything that made him decent. He hates Nan for everything he was cool with, as long as she was on his side, as usual. (Does that remind anyone else of the last finale, when he pushed his last boss in concrete? Just me?) Both Bill and Marnie have become corrupted by power to an extend where even Sookie is appalled, without anyone threatening one of her boyfriend's lives.
Silver cage dormitory, Bon Temps, Louisiana. 4 am
For some reason, Nan's still there. Noone bothers to sleep, they all just bicker at each other and are morons, collectively.
And even though Bill hates his boss and is of the opinion that she's behind global warming and the gay agenda and everything that he's ever done (because, you know, she hired him, so he can't be responsible!) ... for some reason, she still gets a silver bed while Pam and Eric have to sit on the kiddie table are sitting in the corner.
It's a little upsetting seeing her silvered like that, because I'm unsure whether Beel has the power to just let his employees keep her there and whether he's brainless enough to go Russell vs. Magister on her, while the writers justify his actions by painting Nan as... mean. OMG, that's worse than aimlessly killing people, totally! That's ... Unamerican! Quick, let's get her impeached for something
Here's the thing: It was always the case that Nan smiled and pretended that nothing was evil about vampires and get them all sorts of civil rights, while they were obviously everything Steve Newlin said, but not JUST everything. They were also human, just very powerful and very criminal/corrupt/horrible/awesome. And they ALWAYS hated Nan for doing things for them, and she always hated them for fucking up her job. I want it to stay that way! This is one of the best parts of the show! I started watching this for the vampire politics and a hand full of characters (some of which are still alive) - taking that from the show would be like... killing off Eric and Pam! Don't do it!
With Beel And Eric in charge things are gonna be sooo much better! Remember everything they got accomplished this season? WIthout dead people and violations and waking up vampire-hating spirits... oh, wait...
Nan: Rant! Death to you, Beel! You will hear from my lawyer, I will take everything! Everything! The house, the cars, the kis, your Country Club membership...
Beel: We had no prenup, bitch! I hate you now, as I hate everyone who doesn't stroke my head and tell me that Sssuckeh is at fault for our last break up!
Eric: Ignore her, honeycakes! She doesn't know it yet, but this isn't really the 21st Century. We are Americans, we can decide what Century it is!
Pam: You cleaned up the mess my maker left under the influence of witchcraft and you are the only one who hasn't run around and violated humans in public this season! Somehow that makes me more competent than you!
Me: Does that mean, Nan/Pam will never happen? *sob*
Don't give up! There's still a chance for hate-sex, right? Right??
Nan: Death penalty for stupidity! You get a true death, you get a true death, everyone gets a true death!
Everyone around her: Shut up, Oprah! We really don't care, we just wanna kill shit!
Nan: I'm not Oprah, but I have her on speed dial and she will fire YOU ALL from live, so there you go!
Everyone (including Nan): *would stomp their feet, but can't, because they're bound by silver*
Aaaaand the winner of the Infantile of the year is...
Let's go by elimination:
We have Sookie, but she's still trying to slap sense into everyone, so it's not her.
Terry, not so much. After all, he's at least a responsible parent and can hold a job for more than a year, even with his PTSD. Andy - no, not him either. He starts out as a strong title contender, but sees sense soon enough. Maybe Terry should take Bill and Eric to Fort Bellefleur? Or Jason, he'd love it there!
Hoyt: Angry, hurt, drunk, confused, lost. Farts a lot, apparently (TMI?) - It's not him, because I've stopped caring about Hoyt and this is my recap, so deal with it.
Jessica: Wants to kill, fuck and shit on everything and everyone. Is annoyed by Jason's five-second conscience. Would do anything Pam considers fun because of the cool aunt factor. Home schooled (that's never good). On the other hand, Jessica still has enough decency in her, if she's confronted with the helpless people who are supposed to be killed soon, so I'm gonna say it's not her.
Pam: Has run around killing, threatening and whatnot the entire time. Hates anyone who doesn't worship Eric. Or anyone whom Eric could like better than her. Stomps her feet real good, due to the awesome pumps she's wearing.
Nan: Her Oprah-esque threat-rant is a good point and for some reason she's too upset to change back into her HBIC outfit and still looks like she raided Michelle Bachmann's closet. On the other hand, she's still aware of what century we're in and that it's kind of against the law to kill people in the middle of a town full of other people who might notice. She tries hard, but can't even beat one of the morons around her. Cause she's in silver, duh! Wait, is she still in the cage? They're not THAT stupid, are they?
Eric: Wants to prove that Beel is just as cruel as him, so Sookie will love him better. Is not surprised when that doesn't work, for some reason. Is convinced we're in a different century (maybe it's still the witchcraft?) Loses some adult-points by his recent lack of parenting (also due to witchcraft, but try telling that to the police when they show you the evidence of your daughter being a violent zombie!). Still can't just shut up and kiss Beel, which probably means prayer doesn't work. You heard it here first.
Beel: Makes lots of shitty decisions and blames them on his boss. Lies to his boss, to Sookie, bring people in danger for no reason at all. Pretends to have feelings about humanitayyyyy while arguing that he must kill humans now, because there's always casualties in a war for a righteous cause. Like, you know, the last war he fought. He had his reasons! Also, he thinks he's the authority, or has some kind of contact to them, even though he got his king-job by working for them because they hate the royals and he is a royal and therefore just has become another one of their enemies, the second he stopped playing Nan's puppet. Then again, he's real cute with his new boyfriend Eric.
Aaaand the winner of the academy award for most childish behaviour...
Drumroll, please!
I'm guessing this will lead to a lot of "Leave Britney alone" comments!
Winner: Beel and Eric! Congrats! You get to kiss for a whole two episodes, we get to watch! Win-win!
Sssuckeh is not pleased. But hey, she said it herself: you can't fight true love!
Next two weeks - predictiooooooons:
1) The Matrix vampires will still be incredibly hot, walk some more in slow motion to dramatic music and kill everyone in the witch shop, even Ssssuckeh. Sooks will miraculously survive and decide that one of them is the lesser of two evils and cuter and therefore harmless and soooo nice and only misunderstood. Then she will fuck that guy and be all "Let's per kittens together!"
2) Bill and Eric will have more eye sex and kill more humans and almost get executed for attacking the witches again. Then they're gonna blame Nan, because she told them not to the whole time and doesn't she know that that just makes it more fun for them? Also, she thinks this is the 21st century and actions should have consequences, how stupid is that?
3) Jason will have more conscience issues, but something will happen to either him or Jessica, so he will be turned and his dick will take over again. Hoyt will turn into a bigot for no reason except that there is no other storyline for him right now.
4) Marnie will die, obviously.
5) Pam will threaten to rape someone again. Jason won't mind, because he doesn't know what rape is. Never seen it. Never been through it. In fact, if he closes his eyes reaaaal tight, he doesn't even know he had sex with Jessica. Or the preacher's wife. Or in front of a silvered vampire in agony. Or that one time he and Hoyt got freaky on drugs.
6) Sookie will (hopefully) end up chosing herself instead of all the violent guys around her. This will lead to Beel and Eric finally driving to Vermont and exchanging rings and pinning Nan to the ground because no woman should ever be allowed to be against Beel and Eric simultaneously and survive. Then Beel will try and contact the authoritay and tell them that he's lost his humanitayyyyy because Nan is a meany who didn't allow him to kill humans. Hopefully, non of them speak English, because no matter how awesome and entertaining the Bon Temps vampires are, your ears must bleed, if you listen to the justifications for all the damage they cause for more than five minutes.
7) Steve Newlin will come back, and we'll see the cement crack somewhere as the finale cliffhanger.
8) The vampires can do whatever the hell they want, as soon as we get a maker/progeny moment within the fab four, we'll all swoon and love them. Yeah, I'm including myself here. No matter how useless the bond between Pam/Eric this season was, they were still fucking adorable and heart-melting for a minute there.
9) If Nan bites the dust just so Beel/Eric/everyone can continue to kill and do stupid shit without anyone reminding them of the consequences, you'll know why I stopped writing recaps.
Yeah, they have a "cause". It's not just about killing. Except for Jess. And Pam. And the guys. But don't they look pretty?
The end. As usual, I love comments, but please no character bashing as in "I hate X / I hope Y dies". Especially no Nan bashing (You know me... and it's kind of been an overkill of let's-blame-her this episode). I have a feeling AB will do that for you.