At some point in history, your parents owned slaves. At least be politically correct now, could you?
Sam and Luna go camping and have passionate sex. In the tent next to Luna's daughter, who must have very keen hearing, since she's either a shifter or a werewolf. Also, at some point, Sam transforms into a rabbit and hops between the little girl's legs, which is weirdly disturbing.
The whole point is: They do this to escape an angry werewolf. Because whenever a supernatural being who is a packleader or wolfes is out to get you, leave places with doors that can lock and go camping in the same town he lives in. That's super safe.
And while Tommy leaves a good-bye note to Sam and then gets himself in an unnecessary fight that he loses and that will of course lead to Sam being a doormat and saving him again, so Tommy can fuck Sam's life up some more. (But apparently we're meant to believe that's "redemption", because we're always supposed to like Tommy after his fuck ups.) Oh, and Luna, dear? Fucking two brothers in two days is weird. Especially if you can't even tell them apart when one of them is skin walking.
Everybody steals babies on V in a homophobic mess that involves guns.
So, basically, Laffayette takes the baby to Mavis' old house, cause he's Mavis now. Hoyt is there, hilariously packing up a box labeled "For you, Monster" (which is Jessica. She reads Twilight, so she must be a monster, obviously. Also, Taylor Swift CSs. Empirical evidence, people.) Then there is some shit about Hoyt needing pants, calling a house full of men who have pants there, but everyone forgets the pants.
Mavis sort of is Mavis and sort of Laffayette, because for some reason they are either too much alike, or Nelsan just doesn't pull this shit off. It gets crazy, Andy gets very bigoted in like 5 seconds flat, because he's on V, and because he's Andy. Jason and Arlene are the most responsible, sane people, because it's opposite's day. Arlene calls Jesus and Jason lectures Andy on how you don'T shoot people who hold babies, and don't make people with babies and guns angry in general.
Finally, Jesus works his magis, because Jesus is magic. It gets really cheesy, then it gets disgustingly cheesy, Arlene is awesome, Terry is the sweetest person ever and Jesus would be great too, but his magic is golden and sparkly and yuck! They also dig up a baby skeleton.
Then Mavis leaves Laffayette's body, and for some reason he's super happy to see her happy instead of being pissed, after she made him kidnap a baby, break and enter Hoyt's house, shoot his friends, bring the babie's life in danger and get in a firefight with a police officer's stolen gun. Also, isn't he still in mortal danger? Isn't Jesus? Are they just ignoring all of that?
Sookie
She dies. Then the opening credits happen and she's not dead, somehow. Erm, yeah.
There is also the worst sex dream ever, in which Sookie is anorexic in beautiful red lingerie, then Eric and Beel ruin it with their fighting, then Sookie ruins it some more by HAVING A FUCKING CONVERSATION ABOUT HER SEXDREAM IN HER SEXDREAM. This speach also includes some lame double standard rant that wasn't even a topic. Then Sookie slut-shames herself for having a 3way-dream - again: IN THE DREAM. Who does that? It's really, really stupid and lame and the talking is so unnecessary. Couldn't they just all fuck and shut up? No? Right. So instead, Sookie briefly kisses them, then they rip their giant teeth into her neck and for some reason that's a turn-on. Whatever, it's a dream. And not even a very hot or naughty one, compared to... any other sex dream on True Blood. Can we see Laffy's sex dreams instead, please?
While Alcide is suddenly over Sookie, Debbie is back on V. So she brings Sookie flowers, concentrates hard to think the right things, then tells Sookie how she concentrated hard to think the right things. Sookie, of course, doesn't even notice that, because she's Sookie and Debbie only TRIED to kill her, like, once. She didn't even succeed. And her hair is blond now, so Sookie forgives her.
Long story short, Debbie brings her to Aunt Petunia, sells her out, but fails to do so, because Tara is smarter than all of them in crisis situations. Again, Sookie doesn't even notice and just runs to save Beel (and Eric, from himself) and doesn't even ask Debbie's help for that. Because hasn't Debbie atoned enough for all the almost-killing, shattering her furniture, trying to eat her ex and stuff? All that petrol isn't cheap, you know!
Jessica is all drama, all the time
Jess: Whine whine whine Hoyt booghoo Jason - why me, mommy?
Nan: I'm not even sure, why I'm listening to you right now.
Jess: And then Bella chose Edward, but she also loved Jason, err, Jacob and Kanye ruined Taylor's special moment and Veronica Mars was cancelled and my childhood... and my boyfriends... also, life is cruel... Teenage angst! Vampire craziness! Hormones! More tears!
Nan: You're the worst! That's it, I'm NEVER having children!
Beel Jess: I can't believe that you were ever truly human!
Pam Nan: Why thank you!
Beel: I feel like I've been in this scene before. Why are your boots on my office desk?
Nan: i will ignore that and instead remind you that I own your ass. Also, this house. I would take your progeny, but she annoys the living shit out of me.
Later, Jason brings Jessica her stuff from Hoyt, with the "For you ,monster" writing, which he adorably scribbled over so she wouldn't have to see it. He's very honorable and very loyal to Hoyt during all this, so it takes like almost a minute for them to start fucking their brains out in Jason's truck. Because he didn't want to come inside, because of Hoyt. Yeah, this is much better!
Marnie Antonia Aunt Petunia
She makes Eric even more boring and tame, almost empty. Then all of her wiccans get bored/annoyed/freaked out and want to leave, but she doesn't let them. Instead, she sets up Eric to lure the other sheriff's into a trap. Then she glamours all of them and they collectively go Russell Edgington on the peace meeting and throw dead security people into the crowd.
Beel&Nan
ST first she gently reminds him that he owes everything to her and therefore can never decline a wish. Then they go downstairs in silver chains, even though they're already in a silver cage. Nan continues to tell Beel how he's a fuck-up, a disappointment, has no leader qualities and she would like to see his birth certificate, because he might be Kenian.
Beel sulks, defends the part where he send a stupid viking into a shop full of civilians, who then threatened their lives and woke up a 400-year old ghost necromancer and started this whole debacle with the simple: "It's all your fault!"
Nan: Erm, how?
Beel: You did not pay attention to what ah was saying! You never listen to me!
Nan: If I wasn't in silver right now, I would rip you to pieces just because you're still talking.
Jessica: *Cries some more*
Girl: My sister is a vampire. 3 years ago she pulled a Jessica, and we're so happy about it!
Nan: This is a touching story for the public, isn't it? Obviously, I'm gonna kill the little bitch for being so careless, but still.
Beel: Why are there no vampires at a vampire rights event? That's like having no black people at a civil rights march, or no gay people at an LGBT club!
Nan: They're called African Americans, dummy. And I wouldn't let either them or gays come for my civil rights events, which would be way better and shit, they're obviously no good at it!
Beel: Aren't you gay yourself?
Nan: Not my point. Shut up.
Beel: I can't tell whether you're being racist or not.
Nan: Of course I'm not, I hate everyone equally! Also, I'm politically correct, so who cares?
Beel: I'm still offended, somehow.
Nan: 1- Your family had slaves. 2- You fought in the civil war to keep them.3- These people know that. 4- you're about to hold a speech. If you
fuck it up because of your southern backwards vocabulary, I will personally put my heel up your ass.
Peace meeting: Turns into Russellmaggeddon! They've talked about peace too much, it's always a bad sign!
Open questions:
1) Where the fuck is Pam?
2) Why is Laffayette so happy about a ghost lady inhabiting his body to kidnap and steal?
3) What else will Jess and Jason do, agree they both love Hoyt, then drive up to Vermont and get hitched? Oh, wait, they could ask him to be the best man. See, it could always be worse.
4) Why on earth would Nan listen for several hours to a crying teenager? And in what universe?
5) If there is a big tolerance festival, why the hell is it in Shrevport? Ever heard of New York, San Francisco, Dallas, Chicago, Washington? Who the hell gives a shit about Shreveport? I'm all for major Nan-coverage, but really, this is ridiculous!
There's Taylor Swift and Twilight, litterally everywhere? Are these the first signs of the apocalypse? And will a Miley Cyrus cameo and an everybody-sings-everything-episode follow?
6) Why does noone just CALL Beel at his fucking tolerance thing, to save time? What, neither Sookie, nor Debbie, nor the leftover wiccans had phones with them? Doesn't the shop have one? Aren't there any public phones nearby? Shouldn't Beel sense a panicky Sookie coming closer in Debbie's car, anyway? Is it so hard to make use of this we-live-in-the-21st-century status? Last resort: Call in a bomb threat and let them evacuate the building!
