Of possession, dorky puppet-keengs and Eric the unicorn!
Previously on True Blood:
Lots of people got raped, bitten or memory wiped. One of them became a snoozefest, another one became unexpectedly one-note.
Pam found out that there's worse things in life than your shoes getting dirty.
Arlene had a magical night-in-the-woods-non-abortion, so of course she woke up a very protective spirit/ghost/doll/ninja turtle.
Nan finally went ahead and invented the death penalty for stupidity. Because, seriously, if you're surrounded by as many dumb people, it's the only way to go, other than turning into Russell 2.0. Or, you know, what I would do: Grab them by their stupid fat white necks and yell "GOD DOESN'T HATE FAGS, IT'S A STUPID HATE WORD YOU MADE UP, FUCKER! AND SHUT UP ABOUT WANTING A SMALLER GOVERNMENT, YOU ARE IN THE GOVERNMENT! What is wrong with you people?" If you think about it, she's really very zen for someone with that job. Even cool, Nordic Eric nearly loses his head 3 times a season over smaller problem than talking to Steve Newlin.
Jessica saved Jason's life by giving him sexy vampire blood. It did miraculous things. He's forgotten about being gng-raped a week ago, for example. Then they talked to each other for some time and had eye contact. Eye contact! Yes, that is truly the main problem with Jessica and Hoyt's relationship: eye contact between Jesson. Because that shipper name is so damn cool, and Hoyt and Jess don't even have one!
So... here we go.
Keeeeeeng Beeeeel's mansion and the Worst Employee of the Universe Awards
Bill should not have fucked Katie. I'm just saying - if you think playing video games on your ipad at work is a good thing, you shouldn't be having sex with someone over 100. If you wake up at night and crawl into your babysitters bed so she can pet your head while you cry, you shouldn't have sex, period.
Anyway, AndOOnijah proves her brilliance by luring pretty, pretty Katie (who I still don't buy as a security team member) into the silver prison, where Father Luis Vampire, the bald one, glamours her to get the witch a safe escape and then kills her. AndOOnijah is proud of her bald vampire priest "dog" - also, take notes, Aunt Petunia, THAT'S how you escape from Lord Voldipants. (For next time, just in case.)
Then, vampire priest Baldie Balderson walks up to Keeng Beel, who looks up from his mirror, wearing a glittering tiara, and bitches: "Not now, ah am about to shype with ma tiny llama!" Which is such an obvious lie. The llame stopped taking his calls when he didn't come visit in order to be Nan's bitch. And he doesn't even get limo sex out of it, so all the sex-possibilities he's left with are his horrible security lady (who he clearly hired for her looks) and his great-great-great- ... what were we talking about? Man, if only Bon Temps was filled with riddiculously hot and glamorous people for no apparent reason at all...
Also for no apparent reason at all, Luis Baldwin shoots Beel, but he either sucks at it or fights the spell, so he misses and kills himself. YOu can't see them, but somewhere in the background AndOOnijah is chuckling and Nan rolls her eyes, because she's surrounded by idiots. Always.
Beel handles this by talking to Jessica and making sure she's safe, before even informing his sheriffs. Because he's dorky/adorable. And he hates using the number keys to type, so he also called Jess so she could text them for him.
Beel: Write: This is your Keeng, if you don't believe that is mah job, ask Nan. Meet me in mah absurd, garish McMansion for cocktails and very official things we must atteeeend to. Ludicrousfearmongeringgreatgreatnationtruebloodonlywe'rereallyveryharmless!
Jessica: What was that last bit?
Beel: Ah don't know. Sometimes, it's like ah do not make the decisions around here.
Just kneel before Nan and don't ask questions.
Everything would be so much easier.
When all the sheriffs are done bitching about having to be in silver for a day, because, yes, they don't want to walk into the sun, but how dare he tell them what would be a good idea to do? Who is he, Michelle Obama with her asshole ideas of eating healthy? How Un-American!
Beel also stops by at Sookie's, to inform the useless, hot pile of pretty who looks like Eric Northman about the whole deal, even bringing him silver and all, so Sookie can be with him and pet his hair while the evil witch casts her spell, even though he knows that this Ericcarboncopy will never love him like he loves his current baby sitter. They're in deeeep love, since, like, almost a week.
Pam: apparently her pretty face IS what defines her.
And she knows it. So she spends the entire episode doing toxic skin peelings from hell (Hi, Dr. Ludwig!), attacking hot women in front of cameras and letting Ginger put her in a coffin that looks like she plans to murder a Disney princess and bury her in it. She still has the zingy one-liners, but apparently her brain cannot process facial deterioration and stay-out-of-camera-sight-or-you-will-die-orders. Or she really wasn't as smart and strong as I thought and relies on "her man" (he's not even a real boy now, Gepetto!) to be as awesome as she was in the past. Since I love Pam, I'm going with the face theory. She'll get her awesome back!
Once upon a time Jesus come from Mexico to America, to steal American jobs.
Since Jesus is sane, when it doesn't come to experimenting with witchcraft, he yells at his awesomely douchey and heartless gramps for a while. Short version: Laffy is a medium, gramps says "Fuck you all, I'm gonna go back and fuck the pregnant lady who could be your little sister!" Aaaand done. No more Mehhhhicò. I'm gonna miss it.
Anyway, Laffy the Meeedium sees a pretty black lady singing to Mikey. In French. She's super pretty and super creepy. My theory is that Holly brought her in, while she was doing the non-abortion in the woods with Arlene. The pretty lady ghost really is like a ghost nanny, a protector of Mikey's life. She saved him during the non-abortion ceremony and she saved him again, when the house burnt down. She's not very smart for a ghost, though. She doesn't recognize a medium OR know that Terry is very aware of not being biologically related to Mikey. Or she just wants to pretend the baby's really hers. Either way, her hair is gorgeous.
Werewolves with their shirts on. It's just wrong.
Debbie and Alcide get initiated into the pack and it's gross and magic and cute and that dead deer doesn't even look like a real animal. But the footnotes are that Debbie seems way too happy to kneel in front of her new pack master. Like, remember Cooter?
Then Debbie and Alcide go take a romantic walk in the woods, to peep at Sookie and Eric having lots and lots of sex, all over the place. In all positions. Yodeling. Eric doesn't notice them, however, because he's become so useless, he's really just a vampire when it's convenient for the plot. The rest of the time he just remembers that time when he sparkled in the sun, fucks Sookie and is creepily both 8 and 1000 years old.
What Debbie takes from this is that Alcide is clearly in love with Sookie, so her perfect plan is to bring that up during sex, cry a lot, use more emotional blackmail, and probably fuck her new pack master. I can't decide whether she's a genius or just really that bad at doing anything the right way.
Talking of doing anything the right way... Tommy Merlotte-Mickens will fuck you over at every chance he gets. Seriously, he will. Save his ass? He'll treat you like shit. Give him a job? Same. Give him a home? He'll make sure you're sorry about that the same week. Or wait a year, then use the first oppotrunity to con his way into getting your money. Offer him money to go to college? He'll clear out your safe. Help him out of an incriminating situation? He'll fuck your girlfriend and then make sure she dumps you. Then he'll fire your employees and give her job, carrying alcohol to people to a 17-year old. In your business. As you.
Of course, everytime he does things like that and is told so by Sam-the-doormat, he whimpers, feels sorry for himself for all the shit he's done and then do more horrible shit to Sam. I never thought I'd say this about any character, but he really should date Crystal. She has to do something nice to him at some point and then at least she'll be dead!
"Wah-wah-wah, I'm the true victim!"
Single MILFs: Don't bother with dating standards. For some reason, Holly is excited to date Andy. Rude, fat, incompetent Andy who buys flowers on sale and takes them with him, if the date doesn't go well. He used to be loveable, but he's almost back to season 1 jerkitude at this point.
Hoyt + Jason
Jason: Hello, bff! I was totally not fantasizing about your super hot and awesome girlfriend! Ever! Come in! I love you, man!
Hoyt: How are you doing? I'm concerned for you, I've heard being raped can inflict you with PTSD and other STDs and stuff.
Jason: I got raped? Oh, right, I got raped. That's why I'm so sweaty. It's not because I forgot about the rape stuff and fantasized about your super hot girlfriend!
Hoyt: Anyway, since you're feeling better about the whole rape thing from 2 days ago, I will talk about my relationship instead!
Jason: You have a girlfriend? Really? Wait, you didn't even specifiy you're with a girl, what a suspicious way for me to react to this - let me rephrase: You're in a relationship with an extremely hot redhead of unspecified gender of whom I did not have sexy dreams?
Hoyt: If I lose Jessica, I will diiiiieeeee! I mean, a break-up? That would be the most terrible thing that could happen to anyone in this town, ever!
Jason: Right. Sloppy joes?
Hoyt: Yes, please cook for me. Can I call you mommy?
Eric (from far, far away): Did someone say mommy?
Tommy (also from far, far away): I had a bad childhood!
Mikey: How come I can read and write when I've been born into a town of such idiocy?
Guy who looks like Eric and Sookie
They fuck their way to from the woods to her house. Like, they literally leave a trail on the ground. Of leaves, tiny animals they fucked dead, and all the way this song plays. Yet, due to magic, there is no dirt, blood, sweat, or any other bodily fluids for that matter. And Sookie's hair looks very tame for floor sex. But maybe it's not really sex. If you look very closely, Eric kisses her body a lot, and then he does push-ups over her, while she makes pained little breathy moany noises.
"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, sleepy kitty, pretty kitt, purr, purr purr."
"Eric, soft kitty is for when you're sick." - "Amnesiac and infantile is kind of sick!"
Then they talk a lot, Eric is very emooootional and soooo sweet and harmless and honey and rainbow sprinkles. Sookie suddenly believes that he allowed the FotS to chain him in a church for her, not Godric, because this is too much like her dream in season 2 (only less sexy), so she decides that he loved both her and Godric back then. Honey, real Eric doesn't even love you now!
Eric decides to stoop to her level of blondeness and/or arrogance and asks "And you didn't love me then? Why? What did I ever do to you? Or anybody? Look, I'm petting a bunny! I cry rainbow tears! I'm an angel, a marble angel who glitters in the sun! I love you since last week! I have never known love, because I don't know anything! Mommy, I had a bad dream! Be my sea goddess! Ouchey, my feelings hurt! I just... I just...
He just has a lot of emotions, okay?!!
Then keeng Beel comes by with a pretty sparkly necklace, so Eric will dump Sookie and love him again. It doesn't go well.
Beel: Ah bring you present, sexual viking. Did you have a good time since I didn't kill you a few hours ago?
Eric: Me and Sookie had sex! Right there, and there, and there, and it was awesome! Having sex with girls is the best!
Sookie: Eric, shush. Can't you see he's crying?
Eric: I have an idea! Let's all pet unicorns!
Here comes the sun...
They all silver themselves, except for a lady who lives next to Mrs. Fortenberry and burns right up. For some reason, nobody felt the need to tell her shit. Also, she's black, so Mrs. Hoyt's Mum hates her, but that's just a secret! One that she doesn't even bother concealing well!
Anyway, Eric is Uneric some more with Sookie, Pam gives Ginger an orgasm from within her MurderedDisneyPrincess coffin and Beel and Jessica have a sweet moment. He decides not to hurt her too much, as you would, if your child screams in pain and she runs out to die. It's like not wanting your daughter to cry because of flu shots. Or something like that.
Everyone yells "The Sun! The Sun!", which is so lame, it's not even creepy, and then Jessica runs into the sun while Jason runs towards the house to save her and there are several armed security guards who could just shoot her full of silver and drag her back into silver prison (Wasn't that supposed to be a torture prison? Didn't everyone go crazy about that? Where's my torture prison?) Also, Jessica is a main character and in countless photos of the coming episodes and in a trailer in a scene with Jason that didn't air yet. But let's ignore that, yell, bitch and write "Alan Ball sucks for things that only happen in my head", like always, mmm-kay?
So what we've learned today:
- Don't leave Pam unsupervised when her face is falling off.
- Don't leave Tommy unsupervised, ever.
- If Nan sets one foot out of Louisiana, noone in this state gets their fucking job done.
- Gay people are magic. That means, if you let them get married, their witchy ways will influence the sanctity of marriage that all the nice white christian Americans uphold so proudly. New York will get eaten by Godzilla. Or male bridezillas. You chose. Remember the Mosque they built near Ground Zero? Man, did that endanger NY! Things happened! In secret! Inconclusiongetgunsstartmorewarsdon'ttaxmillionairesgaymarriageislikemarryingyourdogandoryourunicorn (Eric: "Did someone say unicorn?")
- Maxine is racist enough to watch you die.
- Jason always has the worst possible crush at the worst possible time.
- Aunt Petunia has a Spanish accent, now that she's in the witness protection programme of Voldemort-escapees
- If you cry and bitch a lot, people really hate you. Unless you're Tommy, then they feel for you, but diss Tara for every tear she dares to shed about her dead boyfriend, being raped, kidnapped, having the worst mom ecetera.
As always: No bashing, no AB hate, not lectures about the greatness of Eric that I don't understand (he's hot, we all love him, done), no comments of a homophobic or racist nature, please. Go by Amnesia-Eric's new Godricesque motto: Kittens and sunshine!