There's the possibility that werepanthers don't use kitty litter boxes!
Previously on True Blood:
- Werepanthers raped Jason and told him this would make him one of them. They're like a whole town of Franklin Mott, the whitetrash version, respectively.
- Arlene had an exorcism in the most racist way you can be, without actually insulting people. Because she's Arlene. As a result, her doll Karma, or her baby, or some ghost burnt the house.
- A lot of Justin Bieber fans from the tea party fraction are convinced that Beel threw a tomatoe at Eric and Alan Ball is not waterboarding him for it. I'm confused, because this entire season has been a Sookie/Eric love fest, but maybe being a passionate shipper means never to be happy.
- Marnie tried to do magic. She saw how powerful being someone's puppet can be (right, Beel?) and begged a ghost to take her over for more than one spell
- Pam's face fell off. And it couldn't even be fixed with more lipstick. I know, I was surprised, too!
Moving on:
Brujos in Mexico
Basically, Jesus' grandfather is still a nightmare, which teaches you that if you need to ask a family member of Jesus for help, go to his dad! He's omnipotent, idiots! Also, Laffy is very powerful and yet another person to do some form of skin walking. And he did not have to kill his mom for it, so suck on that, Tommy!
There's also goat tongue for breakfast, a very pregnant young lady who I hope is called Maria (just for shits and giggles, you know?) and Jesus apparently has the ability to catch a rattlesnake with his bare hands, which is the most badass thing I've ever seen a witch do.
Tommy and Sam
Even when he's depressed and freaking out like shit, Tommy is ... well, shit. He transforms into Sam, because he's a skin walker now. So obviously, being an asshole and all, he fires Sookie, bangs Sam's girlfriend and then gets taken care of by... guess who? Yup, the doormat. So the lesson here is, whatever you do for Tommy, he will repay you by turning on you EVERY FUCKING TIME! And you won't see it coming.
If you'd like to hear anything positive about this, it's the best and most enjoyable acting Sam Trammell has ever done!
You go, pup! Find Tommy and do exactly that!
Andy and Holly
Why? Just... why? It's not like Andy doesn't deserve a little love, but a) Holly is way too hot for him and I hate it that so many TV dudes get all the girls who are ten times out of their league, because it's just such derogatory male wish fulfillment. Plus, couldn't we just have stuck around after the skype session to see who Nan was "busy with" in her limousine? I bet that would have been hotter!
Arlene, Terry and the evil baby (doll)
The house burns down, so even though she's a crazy bitch, Arlene's mother instincts kick in and she wants to save her children. She is, of course, creeped out and in shock, when she realizes, Coby and Lisa found the baby waiting for them outside, while the house was burning and also: This can't be Arlene's baby. It likes black people ghosts!
On the bright side, Felix the armadillo is safe and nobody got hurt.
Pam
She cries a lot, her face gets worse, she attacks Naomi. I never thought I wouldn't like Pam for an entire episode, but there you go!
Tara & Naomi
Naomi is crazy in many ways. If she is jealous you might be cheating on her, she'll drive to the hometown of the other woman and attack her, even if that other woman is you. What? It makes sense. On the plus side: angry floor sex.
Actually, it's quite nice to see Tara and Naomi walk into Merlotte's, holding hands, while the Rednecks begin to whisper about how they don't have anything against gay people, but they feel a little uncomfortable right now and that's not their fault, is it? It's not like their racist, either, they just prefer white skin. Completely normal. Whatever.
Naomi is charmed by Jessica, as you would be, until she zooms off to look for Jason. Then they have cute bonding in the middle of the night in an empty parking lot, because what's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, that:
At least the Merlotte's people kept their mouth shut!
Also, "dyke in the woods" routine? Is that a thing now? Did Pam watch Skins season 3?
Aunt Petunia
On of the sheriffs goes down to check on her, because she's grinning at the camera and that's suspicious. Also, because he's an idiot. She quickly declares him her bitch and reminds him of how he raped her a few centuries ago and must now die. Seems fair, if you ask me.
Plus, Fiona Shaw is so good I'm getting chills, everytime I re-watch this scene!
It's the season of the HBIC, bitches!
Beel
Sookie and Eric have passionate foreplay all across her living room, so of course, Beel must zoom in and act, like it's all about vampiric powers and other things than Sookie, when really, it's about Sookie and a little but about his own stupidity in sending a viking after wiccans and not telling him to maybe try and avoid bringing his fangs near someone's neck in a room full of witnesses. But maybe he should have known that himself. Wiccans have video phones too, dumbasses!
Either way, I'm a little impressed with Beel as a cockblock extraordinaire. I'd always have thought Eric would win that game, especially after Dallas. But maybe this was Beel's secret super power all along. Or it's really Nan's power, and he's just abusing it, like everything else.
Sookie: Stop doing this because you love me!
Beel: No-can-dosville, baby doll!
Sookie: So, after you spent a year biting and fucking all your descendants and other people, you can't even let me have some viking sex?
Beel: That is not what this is about! Ah just have a lot of feelings! This is business, woman, don't try and think, it's not your thing!
Sookie: I will stomp my foot now.
Beel: Ah am the keeng of Louisiana!
Sookie: You're not my king, bitch, I'm human.
Beel: Do not talk about reality to me! I refuse to listen to facts! What's next, "climate change ist real"?
Team Beel: But... but... he loves her?
Team Eric: We momentarily love Sookie because she defends our imaginary boyfriend.
Me: Also, she stands up for herself in front of her abusive ex?
Team Eric: Erm, mostly it's the Eric thing. Sookie who?
This is not about you! Except maybe! If you excuse moi, there are pressing
matters to which ah must attend: ah have to leave and be someone's bitch via skype!
Talk about the devil... Nan and Beel skype to discuss his bs and inability to deal with shit now. Because she's officially given up pretending to care about Louisiana after meeting Michele Bachmann. It does make sense, if you've ever heard Michele talk - makes you dislike all red states immensly!
Beel: So today ah stood up, had a True Blood B negative, took a shover, watched re-runs of Big Love, told Pam to put on more lipstick, arrested a sheriff for boning in his own house and folded my laundry. Also ah want to keel my ex-fairie's new boyfriend. Any thoughts on that?
Nan: Well, it will be a fucking load of paper work. Do you really have to?
Beel: Yes, well, it's totally not about Sssuckeh, just necromancy and stuff. He's dangerous!
Nan: Make up your mind, bitch! Which is it? I can only text the authority once a day!
Beel: I just had that discussion *pouts* I'll go with the necromany theory.
Nan: Whatever. Now excuse me, I have Crystal Harris here and she just took her top off. There's some tolerance thing soon. Be there.
Beel: What tolerance... Ms. Flanagan? Hello?
Beel spends the rest of the episode being conflicted about how he and Eric always throw each other under the bus at the first chance and don't say "I love you" once a day anymore and it's just so, so hard to take unnecessary death sentences back - but then he just does and for some reason it looks like there will be no consequences.
I have a bad feeling about this, though. The last episode says Eric and Beel will do something to Nan or kick her out of Louisiana (where she never wanted to be in the first place and never would have been without their constant bs). So basically, they kill, glamour, torture and do anything in their power to make her TV appearances as difficult as possible for 3 years, while she gave them the ability to inherit houses, open bars, make up will, marry Sookie in 6 states and whatnot. Clearly, she's the bad guy. I just hope they don't kill her off, because I don't know whether I would keep watching. It would just be dumbed down, without the whole national aspect, her TV discussions, someone who has a contact to the authority... plus, it would be a waste of a brilliant character they have hinted at for 3 and a half seasons, but never really explored.
Eric/Sookie
They start the episode by making out, then get separated by keeng Beel. And while Eric is submissive as shit and sort of channels True Blood's version of Edward Cullen in everything he says, which is sickening, because he's not just playing it to beat Beel, which would be an Eric move. Apparently he hasn't just lost his memory. He's stariting to lose his awesome aswell. He can't even get Pam to take of clothes without forcing her.
Then it's family time, and while Sookie excells at it and is very sweet and helpful with Jason (she even promises him a giant kitty litter box, if he turns), Eric just consoles Pam, but doesn't see that she's about to rip of the next best person's head. Even though she just TOLD HIM.
So, Sookie loses Jason, because babysitting Jason is just hard and he runs off to have a night time chat with a girl he shouldn't have a crush on. Meanwhile, Eric asks Beel to set Pam free (If he knew what was coming, that's part evil genius and part reckless, because if anyone ever finds out about Pam ruining Emily and Naomi's first night, this will mean the true death. Because you don't mess with shippers like that, they're cray-cray!
Actually, the Jason/Jessica part of it all is sad and breathtaking and sweet at the same time. Because Jessica can start over new, she'll be able to start over new for centuries to come and this is just as doomed as Jessica and Hoyt's relationship is, but it's fresh, new, exciting. And I never thought this would be possible, but it seems like they are a much better match than Jessica and Hoyt.
Eric is weirdly characterless and perfect in a submissive, weird, dull way. Like Godric, but without the obvious power recognition. He tells Beel how he knows love, because he's been in lurrrrve with a certain fairy for almost a week (maybe he's the new Jason?), and since Beel knows how that feels, he lets him go. Also, because he sees that he can't compete with Sookie for Eric's heart.
In the end, Eric and Sookie find each other again, Jason will probably not turn into a werepanther, which I actually prefer and Sookie/Eric do it in the woods, while millions of Eric-stans bitch about how this is all about Beel's sadness, even though they spend 3 years asking for Eric/Sookie sex and Beel suffering at the same time. So, happy end?
Until we get Eric's character back, then it will be MY happy end.
Note:
I use a lot of sarcasm (about 90%, the rest is irony and admiring acting skills), so if I stepped on someone's toes - deal with it. It's called fun, people. Please do refrain from character- or writer bashing in your comments, and please do not use icons or gifs in which someone's sexual organs are exposed, because that would mean that I have to make my lj nc-17 and I really don't want to. Thank you!
Oh, and Eric and Sookie?
