True Blood 4x05 Recap - Part 1
...
Previously on True Blood:
- We saw the worlds best exit... and the worlds worst exit. All in one episode.
"How many retired queens do you know?" // "I'm your great-great-great-great-grandfather. Good bye!"
- Jason got raped a lot. Which I've been told is irrelevant, because real women get raped a lot more, so talking about fictional rape is using false equivalencies, apparently. But only if it's a man. And yes, a man wrote that. For some reason. (He also thinks what Jessica did to Hoyt was rape and equally bad, so he might just be insane, but who knows.)
- Sookie was Eric's baby sitter.
Here we go:
Tommy/Sam
Two of three Mickens are dead. (Or better yet: Two down, one to go.) Gators like marshmallows. That's all I have to say.
Hotshot
Was not in this episode. Did anyone miss it?
Arlene, Terry and the evil educated baby
Since the baby is literate and that's just not acceptable in a world reigned by Fox News (Hilariously, this means Nan sort of owns Fox News. Or Rupert Murdoch is a vampire. Which would explain his smokin hot young wife.) Terry gets a priest. A black one - so you just know Arlene gets super shifty, because "those people" are in her house.
Also, we're supposed to believe Arlene doesn't know who got divorced and then re-married all in one year in Bon Temps? Yeah, right!
I think I love those two as a couple. Is that weird? Also, she likes Jesus too, so - good for Laffy, I guess?
Laffayette and Jésus go to Mexico. To find a guy who'll make little children stab goats and lick knives. That's not what you tell kids! You tell them NOT to lick knives! How is this guy going to be any help, exactly?
"Jesus and I have agreed to see other people, in Mexico. But we're still driving there together!"
Nan Flanagan
Also wasn't in this episode. Which is just mean. She's gone, Pam's losing it and Laffayette left the building country. Which means True Blood was HBIC free for an entire episode, if you don't count Beel. What are they thinking?
Jessica, Jason and Hoyt
Have a threeway. What? it's how I remember it! (Which is only fair, since Hoyt SHOULD make up for the whole "You got violently hurt, strapped to a bed and raped by supernatural women? That's nothing, let me tell you about my relationship problems!" To which even Jason answers: "Dude, shut the fuck up! It's NOT the same!")
Their 3way (what? It happened! Shut up!) Tells us various things:
1) Jason, you have officially watched too much porn, if it's affecting your dreams this way. Jessica was acting like a cheap girl who "wants to make it as an actress" and never will. Maybe she'll end up on Fox News or in Nan's limo, or dancing at Fangtasia, but that's it. Which is weird, if a guy has so much real sex, I thought he'd get the difference between fake-moning and actually horny girls, but maybe I'm overestinmating him.
2) Hoyt has become really self-involved! Look at him screaming his own name!
3) Jason got raped, strapped to a bed and kept at a place against his will. Obviously, he is now gay, look at Tara! It's like... did they write those entire storylines to mess with Michele Bachmann's head? Because, if so, I don't approve. That woman is too powerful as it is. All she is, is hate, prejudices, spreading inequality and no legislature successes (check politifact, it's true). Don't add fuel to the fire!
Eric/Sookie
Eric dreams of Godric and finally is as put off by his maker as I always was. So he goes to Edward-Cullen-stare at Sookie. When she wakes up, he quickly tells her "I had a nightmare, mommy", so of course she eats that shit right up, melts away. We all know Sookie loves one thing and that is telling shady vampires how they're really just lost souls and have humanitay in them somewhere, and then she wants to pet them like her cats. Cuddling ensues. Multiple times.
They're really genuine with each other, but it#s a little disturbing, since it's not really Eric's true self and he acts like a kid/teen most of the time, so it would be really weird if they made out in this very scene, kind of like his babysitter was molesting him, you know?
Tara comes out to Sookie about her secret identity and gf and whatnot, but is cut short when Eric also comes out of the closet (beautiful closet, btw) and stumbles into Sookie's "It get's better" speech. So, of course, Tara freaks the shit out, which she has every right to do, especially if you consider the inhumane treatment her cousin suffered because of Eric and Pam.
But of course, Sookie is more concerned with the sad, sad viking, then her PTSD friends who have suffered from vampires, so she makes out with Eric passionately. Because he's saaaaad. It's what I would do, if some amnesiac guy found out about the time he put my friend in a torture dungeon and then made sad puppy eyes. It's just a thing now. Because he's just so pretty, y'all!
"This is why I stopped watching TB with John Boehner - he'd cry like a baby by now!"
Previously on True Blood:
- We saw the worlds best exit... and the worlds worst exit. All in one episode.
"How many retired queens do you know?" // "I'm your great-great-great-great-grandfather. Good bye!"
- Jason got raped a lot. Which I've been told is irrelevant, because real women get raped a lot more, so talking about fictional rape is using false equivalencies, apparently. But only if it's a man. And yes, a man wrote that. For some reason. (He also thinks what Jessica did to Hoyt was rape and equally bad, so he might just be insane, but who knows.)
- Sookie was Eric's baby sitter.
Here we go:
Tommy/Sam
Two of three Mickens are dead. (Or better yet: Two down, one to go.) Gators like marshmallows. That's all I have to say.
Hotshot
Was not in this episode. Did anyone miss it?
Arlene, Terry and the evil educated baby
Since the baby is literate and that's just not acceptable in a world reigned by Fox News (Hilariously, this means Nan sort of owns Fox News. Or Rupert Murdoch is a vampire. Which would explain his smokin hot young wife.) Terry gets a priest. A black one - so you just know Arlene gets super shifty, because "those people" are in her house.
Also, we're supposed to believe Arlene doesn't know who got divorced and then re-married all in one year in Bon Temps? Yeah, right!
I think I love those two as a couple. Is that weird? Also, she likes Jesus too, so - good for Laffy, I guess?
Laffayette and Jésus go to Mexico. To find a guy who'll make little children stab goats and lick knives. That's not what you tell kids! You tell them NOT to lick knives! How is this guy going to be any help, exactly?
"Jesus and I have agreed to see other people, in Mexico. But we're still driving there together!"
Nan Flanagan
Also wasn't in this episode. Which is just mean. She's gone, Pam's losing it and Laffayette left the building country. Which means True Blood was HBIC free for an entire episode, if you don't count Beel. What are they thinking?
Jessica, Jason and Hoyt
Have a threeway. What? it's how I remember it! (Which is only fair, since Hoyt SHOULD make up for the whole "You got violently hurt, strapped to a bed and raped by supernatural women? That's nothing, let me tell you about my relationship problems!" To which even Jason answers: "Dude, shut the fuck up! It's NOT the same!")
Their 3way (what? It happened! Shut up!) Tells us various things:
1) Jason, you have officially watched too much porn, if it's affecting your dreams this way. Jessica was acting like a cheap girl who "wants to make it as an actress" and never will. Maybe she'll end up on Fox News or in Nan's limo, or dancing at Fangtasia, but that's it. Which is weird, if a guy has so much real sex, I thought he'd get the difference between fake-moning and actually horny girls, but maybe I'm overestinmating him.
2) Hoyt has become really self-involved! Look at him screaming his own name!
3) Jason got raped, strapped to a bed and kept at a place against his will. Obviously, he is now gay, look at Tara! It's like... did they write those entire storylines to mess with Michele Bachmann's head? Because, if so, I don't approve. That woman is too powerful as it is. All she is, is hate, prejudices, spreading inequality and no legislature successes (check politifact, it's true). Don't add fuel to the fire!
Eric/Sookie
Eric dreams of Godric and finally is as put off by his maker as I always was. So he goes to Edward-Cullen-stare at Sookie. When she wakes up, he quickly tells her "I had a nightmare, mommy", so of course she eats that shit right up, melts away. We all know Sookie loves one thing and that is telling shady vampires how they're really just lost souls and have humanitay in them somewhere, and then she wants to pet them like her cats. Cuddling ensues. Multiple times.
They're really genuine with each other, but it#s a little disturbing, since it's not really Eric's true self and he acts like a kid/teen most of the time, so it would be really weird if they made out in this very scene, kind of like his babysitter was molesting him, you know?
Tara comes out to Sookie about her secret identity and gf and whatnot, but is cut short when Eric also comes out of the closet (beautiful closet, btw) and stumbles into Sookie's "It get's better" speech. So, of course, Tara freaks the shit out, which she has every right to do, especially if you consider the inhumane treatment her cousin suffered because of Eric and Pam.
But of course, Sookie is more concerned with the sad, sad viking, then her PTSD friends who have suffered from vampires, so she makes out with Eric passionately. Because he's saaaaad. It's what I would do, if some amnesiac guy found out about the time he put my friend in a torture dungeon and then made sad puppy eyes. It's just a thing now. Because he's just so pretty, y'all!
"This is why I stopped watching TB with John Boehner - he'd cry like a baby by now!"