Tiffany’s weather report gets cut off (or she’s getting busy with Nan Flanagan - you decide!)
Eric & Pam
We start off with blood-sprinkled Eric rushing into Fangtasia, not even knocking before. While Pam’s changing. That’s how you know how deep their relationship is - oh, never mind, Ginger does the same. Change that to: That’s how you know that Pam doesn’t mind showing off her bras.
Pam asks if she should be panicing, which she already is, but she’s in panic, so, you know, it’s not about logic. She calls him an idiot for staking Talbot (Really! Poor little gay dude - you SO broke his heart! Or staked it! Never mind!) and suggests they hide out in Sookie’s house. Eric doesn’t wanna. He wants to clutch on to his dirty old crown, go to Ginger’s house - he’s in a weird mood today. Staking gay vamps isn’t as much fun as it was supposed to be. Poor baby.
Ginger informs them that the AVL people are in the bar, and Eric changes into his black tanktop (Finally! The blue sweaters are for Yogi Löw, dude!) and informs the embodyment of awesome, Darth Vader-Flanagan and all the storm troopers she could get off of a Lady Gaga video set, that the bar is closed. How considerate of him. He could have just send Ginger out.
Either way, Nan isn’t taking any of his cocky bullshit, which is why I love her so much. She tells the guy in the back ground to shut off the “Empire Strikes Back” soundtrack in my head and asks for the Magister’s wherabouts. Then she lets her Stormtroopers silver Eric and rolls her eyes at Ginger screaming like hell. That’s how you know how little Nan is around, everyone else is already used to Ginger and Sookie and their really large rapist stories.
Nan also says that she only drinks TrueBlood. Again. Which should make anyone suspicious why still believes that she does; Eric and Pam are not amongst these naive people, I guess. Or if they are, they stop to be after her really sarcastic sounding remark about it. I guess it’s in her contract to tell everyone she meets in the first five minutes, which raises only more questions: Does anybody besides Beel ever TRY living off of this shit? Did Nan Flanagan kill Lady Gaga? Where does she shop for shoes? Is she wearing sunglasses at night as a motto, or does she also have a contract about making the best bitchy entrances?
Nan Flanagan complains that downstairs is a clean room with no human bloodbanks, no magister and no Yvetta tied to the wall. Guess which one upsets her the most. Eric defends himself by stating that he believes in star signs: “I’m a Virgo. I like to be neat.” Hehe.
Surprisingly, Nan isn’t there to arrest Eric. She just wants to show off her power, insult Ginger, silver random vamps and let them talk into web cams that are listened to by even randomer white people in suits; interestingly, the only people she’s on first-name basis with.
Back at Fangtasia, Eric is suddenly honest. For some reason. He sells his “new king” out so fast that I’m wondering why anyone ever obeyed the royalties. Nan wonders why anyone would still drink human blood, or at least she pretends to. She doesn’t really believe that someone who opposes the “Great Revelation” or the AVL would give them 500 000 $. And doesn’t even connect Sophie’s debt into Eric’s story. Is the Authority China, or why are they borrowing broke decadent people money anyway?
He also tells Nan in front of a stunned Pam that Russell killed his mortal family in that cheesy flash-back scene from a few episodes ago. Which is surprising, because Pam never knew. Why the sudden urge to tell this woman everything? Does he think he needs to be this detailed, so noone will investigate against him because of murdering Talbot? I’m sure with 700 years on his back, he weighs more than Longshadow. Which also means we won’t get a second Jessica. Which is maybe a good thing. I love her to pieces, but two of them?
Then Eric has to endure Nan bitching at him about not being able to be on TV for one entire night. Which is surprising, since she has to hold off of swearing so much, smile, pretend to like True Blood... she must be more of a famewhore... I mean devoted to her job, than we know. Or she secretly wants to be this mix of Hilary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi on political debates. Whatever, I just love her bitchy side. Which is the only side she has, I guess, so yay!
Eric doesn’t want any blame to be on Pam. Which is only fair, since, what the fuck did she do? Be his faithful friend for a hundred years, not harm a king’s boyfriend, only carry out his orders and keep her mouth shut under torture? That’s right, Pam should better not be blamed!
He also wants her to become a maker in case he dies, so someone can ruin their pumps for her when he’s gone.
Nan gives Eric her unofficial okay in staking Russell, which is what he wanted, but doesn’t supply him with resources or whatever. So either she thinks he can indeed kill Russell without the public finding out, or she’s buying time, or ... I’m out. It doesn’t make sense. I get that she doesn’t make the decisions, but whoever does is a bit retarded for not secretly giving Eric weapons. What, is this about money again? I thought they wanted to change the Amendment or something! How... Idiots!
Nan awesome bitches at Eric for a while, which might be because she’s working for retards who let her do everything while sitting behind a bid screen in suits like cowards and storms off in full Hilary mode, dress, hair, perl necklace and with her Storm Troopers. While Eric continues to stare after her like... a “whiney little bitch” whose “fangs she will own” - what is it with gay power vampire ladies and the wish for Eric’s fangs? Is it because he’s so old? Because they’re amongst the most fake-looking in the whole show and... ah, forget it. They’re both bitches, and I love ‘em both. Their scenes together are so awesome, but it doesn’t change the fact that she stole Eric a lot of time and made herself a target for Crazington and his crystal blood urne.
Russell Crazington
Russell Edgington meanwhile is storming into his big, garish McMansion, yelling for his boyfriend, who’s - less pretty than last time he met him. He’s a puddle of blood and organs on the floor, to make it short. The riddiculous part: All guards are just standing around as silently and uselessly as Nan’s Stormtroopers, one even tries to stop and talk to his 3000-year old boss. He must be new.
He continues to carry Talbot’s remains around with him in a crystal thing all episode, so he can show him the storm troopers (am I writing that right? I wrote differently like 5 times by now, didn’t I? In short, he’s as close to Nosferatu in the mounring process as this show will ever get!
Sssucky & Beel
For some reason Sookie hasn’t kicked Beel out of her house, which is why I will go back to call her Sssucky. They have shower sex, lots of blood is going down the drain, which some see as symbolic, I see it as a waste, because really! Then they carry out a nekkid dead werewolf and joke about the stuff they do as a couple. It’s so funny! Sleeping with your ex, being put in a coma by your boyfriend, people are dying - really, I know this all plays in a red state and all, but there’s still a dead man on your floor! He’s human and all! Show some compassion, you morons! Or is there a TV rule that says it’s okay to kill people if they are a) not American b) by some definition ‘evil’ or c) supernatural? I get that it was defense, but still - it’s a dead man.
Sssucky buys Beel’s shit that he was only spying on her because Eric was interested in her. Then she goes to see Hadley and her son, who’s also a mind reader and finds out Hadley is doing Sophie-Anne and that she’s even more stupid than we know. Who calls at someone’s house and complains that they’re home? Really!
But her son is adorable and has the sweetest scene ever with Sssucky. She would make a great mom! Beel should have left her alone, so she could find someone to have sweet blonde naive kids with!
Beel has a shiny cheesy commercial scene that I want to forget with pointless Claudine and knows what Sssucky is. He doesn’t tell us, though. Meany!
Laffayette
Lafayette has more appropriate post-coital talk, and a more appropriate boyfriend than Sookie. He has a jaguar tattoo for some reason, isn’t picky with bath robes and nice to his mum. Plus, he’s so pretty it wouldn’t matter if he was a crazy redneck like...
Jesús is so sweet, he even brings crazy shitty rednecks to the hospital without calling the police on Sam. He’s really too good to be true!
Jason & some rednecks
... Crystal’s fiance. Well, maybe it would. Said asshole turns up at Jason’s place, threatens everyone even though Jason has a gun, and Crystal proves to everyone how despicable she is by saying Jason raped and kidnapped her. I get that she’s scared, but she’s still trash. Plus, her fiance is supernatural, crazy strong and she’s risking Jason’s life, after he took her in and everything. Then she takes the drugs her fiance still has on himself. Just what this show needed - another junkie.
Jason proves how dumb he is by speaking in a high falsetto girly voice that fools noone to the police. In his own phone! Don’t they have caller ID in Louisiana? He’s concerned about giving the asshole medical assistance, which is more than you can say for Sssucky, and kinda sweet.
Crystal drags him into the car and continues being a horrible bitch for the rest of the episode, while he continues to try and save her by kinda being a cop. Sorta.
Sam
Tara is being comforted by Sam, but his brother who ruins everything, manages to ruin that by having sex so loud that his neighbours call Sam, and then has the guts to be bratty and insulting towards Sam. Bitch! I’m all against dog fights, but this one... Sam should’ve just let him where he was.
He continues to be horrible, by stealing tips from the waitresses at the work place, not staying out of Jessica and Hoyt’s business and so on.
Lafayette again. And his mum.
She’s actually kind of sweet. Stealing his bathrobes and rings sweet, but she compliments him of his fabulous cosmetics and gives him and Jesús her immidiate blessing. She also talks stuff that might be crazy or very true. (How, for example, does “God maybe loves fangs” link to either one of them?)
Tara
She goes to a rapist-survivor meeting. Where Holly is, because Holly is everywhere and super nice, which is something to look out for, even more if people are super nice, super hot and called Jesús. Call me cynical, but I’ve watched the last two seasons. I’m warned.
She shows her old awesome by giving Laffayette and Jesús her blessing and telling a crying Franklin, who’s surprised that she killed him (or tried to) and makes her the bad guy in the whole scenario. Thank god Jason is there with wooden Fallowship of the Sun bullets and blasts the undead rapist into bloody pieces beforehe can abuse Tara some more and/or kill her!
Jessica & Hoyt
Hoyt is being a little bitch by bringing his new girlfriend and her 200 dolls to his exes work place. At night. The only time she works there. His excuses for it are pretty weak, I’m sure he just does whatever Summer tells him to do.
Summer’s awesome-cazy, btw. Where did she keep all those dolls, anyway?
Also, Hoyt hates her guts, but still dates her so he’s not alone thinking about Jessica, which is pretty douchey. Just dump her, you idiot! Noone deserves being strung along, not even crazy doll people!
Nan & Russell Crazington & Awesomeness
This is why I love True Blood. They don’t let Russell just kill Nan in her limousine while she has a hypocritical snack from a fang banger with giant fake boobs, which she either paid for or gets as a promi bonus. The extra hot ones come after you if you’re on television, apparently. It’s an interesting turn of events, and makes Nan Bill (not Beel) rather than Hillary. Because, you know, of the lying.
She stops eating her hot fang banger who’s hilariously moaning “Oh, Ms. Flanagan!”, when Russell shows up on her TV screen, showing everyone how shineless a TV anchor guy can be. Of sorts. He then starts a hilarious, awesome, epic rant about how vamps and humans are only the same when it comes to “absurd, garish McMansions” (like he has one) and “blood diamonds” (which is unfair, not everyone has a collection of blood-viking-crowns, Russell!)
He links his bloody and his clean hand in an awesome, symbolic gasture. “We will eat you - after we eat your children. Now time for the weather... Tiffany?”
Open questions:
- Is Tiffany Nan’s hook-up? And has she stolen her from Lady Gaga too?
- Why are straight women on this show so weak and gay ones so badass and awesome? Is that a statement? Why is there no difference with dudes?
- When will Sssucky kick Beel out and become Sookie again?
- Will Pam create a vamp? Will it be Laffayette? Is Jesús evil? Is Holly evil?
- Why is Crystal still of interest to Jason and can’t he have Tara instead?
- Did Hoyt’s mum send Summer? And where did all the dolls even come from, magical expandable purses?
- Are Nan and Pam shippable or are those two major alpha dogs in a relationship that would never work?