MST: Eyesex and Snuggling
Title: Eyesex and Snuggling
Author: Nemesis (Nems) -- well, of the MST, anyway.
Pairing: FIC: House/Wilson. MST: House/Wilson.
Rating: FIC: Um, PG, I guess. MST: R
Warnings: It's an MST, so BAD!FIC. Just not MY bad!fic
Disclaimer: Okay. *munches some popcorn*. I'm watching the credits now... Wouldja look at that! They don't say "Nemesis" anywhere near there. Not even in the random tech stuffs. Guess it's not mine then!
(AND! The bad!fic is NOT mine!)
THE BAD!FIC in this is a sequel to the bad!fic in my other MST, so this MST is also kinda a sequel to my other MST. The other MST, In Lieu of the Cuddy's Thong Removal Challenge, can be found HERE
A/N: Betaed by my adorable and lovely wife, Cris. I dedicate it to her because she loves me, loves my writing, loves bad!fic, loves MSTs, and because I've been cracking her ribs with my MSTs (okay, I've only had two so far...)
Dr. House is being forced would like to take this time and space to remind you that "puppies shouldn't be kicked, Chase is a whore, and reviews are love. Can I have a week off Clinic duty now?" Dr. Wilson would like to add, "Favorite lines are much appreciated, I'm told. Ditto for concrit." Nems likes reviews, they keep him writing lots and lots!
House and Wilson enter. Wilson is straightening his tie. House’s clothes are even more rumpled than usual. Both of them seem very… satisfied. Cat-in-the-cream, even.
HOUSE: It’s time for more bad!fic.
TAUB: *shrugs* Okay. I mean, the first one wasn’t so bad.
HOUSE: It’s the sequel to that one, actually.
WILSON: Oh, God. Does this mean fic!me has to suffer through more awkward conversations with fic!your parents?
HOUSE: Hey, fic!me’s parents are better than my actual parents. Which one would you rather deal with?
WILSON: Point.
Kutner logs on to the computer.
KUTNER: Oh, wow. You have to look at this. I reviewed the fic we read before.
FOREMAN: Why would you do that?
KUTNER: *shrug* I felt like it.
HOUSE: So, what did you write?
KUTNER: *reads aloud* “I laughed so hard. Thank you for that! But then I realized that crying would be the more appropriate response to your fic.”
THIRTEEN: What are we supposed to be amused by?
KUTNER: She answered. Listen to what she wrote: “i thank u so much 4 reviewing and y would u cry? its supposed to be a happy story! but cry if u want. luvs and hugs.”
EVERYONE: … *blink blink blink*
WILSON: Is… that a joke?
HOUSE: Given the quality of her work, I don’t think so.
FOREMAN: Humanity is doomed.
HOUSE: I knew that already. Let’s see what happens to us in the sequel. Maybe this is the one I become fic!ex-Mrs. Wilson #4. We were certainly heading that way when we left off last time.
WILSON: Hold on. Kutner, you’re still in charge of the crash cart, and Taub, you’re still in charge of the Ativan, okay?
TAUB & KUTNER: Yes.
THIRTEEN: What am I in charge of?
HOUSE: The morphine. *begins reading out loud*
Wilson quietly walked past the Ducklings, and into House's office, quietly closing the door behind him.
WILSON: Just in case you missed that I’m doing this quietly.
FOREMAN: Remind me. How are you doing this?
WILSON: Quietly.
HOUSE: So, not loudly.
WILSON: Right. I’m doing it quietly.
He waited, and couldn't help smiling as he heard the beeps and mini-explosions as his lover conquered the video game of the moment. After a minute, House groaned
KUTNER: If you’re conquering, why are you groaning?
WILSON: Well, Kutner, House has a set of sounds he emits when I provide certain stimuli. A groan is indicative of…
THIRTEEN: Moving on.
and put the game down, then smiled at Wilson.
WILSON: Aw… you never smile at me in real life.
HOUSE: *smiles*
WILSON: That’s a leer.
HOUSE: *shrugs* You like those more anyway.
WILSON: *pouts* I want a real smile.
HOUSE: I’m not sure my face does that. *tries*
WILSON: *sighs* Close enough.
HOUSE: Aww… Wilson’s upset. *wraps arm around Wilson’s shoulders, pulls him close*
WILSON: *snuggle*
TAUB: Does every bad!fic session result in those two snuggling?
FOREMAN: Yes. Something in the fic sets House or Wilson off, the other one tries to comfort him. Sometimes they even manage to hold out longer than this.
"And what can I do for my favorite doctor, today?"
FOREMAN: Ooh! There’s one! It’s a little banged-up and dusty, but it’ll do. I’ll get the box.
EVERYONE: …
WILSON: *extra patiently* Foreman, what are you doing?
FOREMAN: I’m collecting extraneous commas to put in where other commas are needed. I’m calling it the Comma Reappropriation Association. CRA.
HOUSE: Sounds rather communist of you.
House asked. He could see the signs of strain around Wilson's eyes and the tension in his best friend and lover's shoulders.
TAUB: Wait a minute. How many people are we dealing with?
KUTNER: Yeah, how many friends do you have?
HOUSE: Wilson! They’re hurting my feelings!
WILSON: House, we’re already snuggling.
HOUSE: Oh, right. *snuggles closer*
WILSON: *snuggle*
EVERYONE ELSE: *averts eyes*
A wave of warm fuzzies,
WILSON: I broke into the stuffed animal factory and stole the stuffing.
which he would deny to his death, and love, swamped Wilson because he could see that House meant what he said.
HOUSE: All I said was that you’re my favorite doctor. Why would this swamp you with warm fuzzies and love?
THIRTEEN: Well, I mean, it’s a very sweet thing of you to…
HOUSE: Oh please. Who else would be my favorite doctor? Cuddy, who’s not a real doctor? Ridiculously old fraud? One of you four? Chase or Cameron? Or one of the hundreds of doctors here, most of whom hate me?
"I've got a present for you."
Greg rubbed his hands together, leering exaggeratedly.
HOUSE: Again, with the Greg!
WILSON: I never knew you could leer exaggeratedly.
HOUSE: It does destroy the point. A normal leer serves its purpose just fine. *demonstrates*
WILSON: Yes, it does. *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
THIRTEEN: You know, this is getting really old.
"Ooh, what can it be?"
With a snicker and a marked loosening of his shoulders, James tossed the envelope with its address of his lawyer in the corner, onto the desk.
FOREMAN: I… don’t even know where to begin with this. Okay. With its address of his lawyer? Is that even in English?
HOUSE: It’s pseudo-English, popular among fanbrats.
FOREMAN: And the extraneous comma!
"It's a surprise."
HOUSE: I love surprises! Especially from Wilson.
WILSON: *grin*
KUTNER: *oblivious* Does he usually get you envelopes? With odd lawyers’ addresses in corners?
HOUSE: No. Last thing he got me was a purple, two headed dildo. The thing before that was a pink, fuzzy cockring. The thing before that was…
KUTNER: Okay! Okay! Enough!
THIRTEEN: You walked right into that.
He sat down and sighed with relief. He hadn't realized how tightly wound he'd been.
KUTNER: The tenseness wasn’t enough to clue him in?
HOUSE: Apparently not.
WILSON: House, I’m tense.
HOUSE: Well, apparently you should give me a present.
EVERYONE ELSE: NO!
WILSON: I was thinking you should give me one.
HOUSE: *thinks for a moment* Okay. *sits on his desk*
WILSON: *shifts chair close to House*
HOUSE: *gives Wilson a massage*
FOREMAN: Moving on.
Casting a sharp look at Wilson, measuring
HOUSE: I want to buy him a dress for Christmas.
and checking him over with a knowledgeable gaze,
WILSON: Wow. His gaze is knowledgeable.
HOUSE: Yeah, I sent it to take college courses at Harvard. It came back with a PhD.
House opened the envelope and his eyebrows rose. "Divorce papers. Wow, how did you know?" he asked facetiously.
HOUSE: I didn’t hint at it nearly enough.
KUTNER: Wait, you were trying to… *is confused*
FOREMAN: Don’t rise to their bait.
HOUSE: There’s only one thing that should rise to my bait.
WILSON: *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
THIRTEEN: Enough with the weird-eye thing already!
"It's not diamonds, but I thought you would like it. Notice, she didn't contest it. And I also don't have to pay alimony, though I think that's because she was cheating too and didn't want her parents to find out."
The two men gazed silently at each other,
HOUSE: See, our fic!counterparts are having eyesex, too!
then House smiled. "We should go out and celebrate!"
THIRTEEN: This author lives in a fantasy world. Divorce takes a matter of minutes and is celebrated. Never mind that it’s a chapter of Wilson’s life ending and that he should be a bit sad about parting ways…
HOUSE: Well, he is cheating on his wife with the new love-of-his-life.
WILSON: You’ve always been the love of my life.
HOUSE: *sits back in chair* Aww… *kisses Wilson*
FOREMAN: *takes over reading fic*
**
Stacy was at home, staring at her husband who was dozing after dinner, when the phone rang.
FOREMAN: *blink blink* Oh my God. A properly punctuated sentence. A complex properly punctuated sentence!
TAUB: *readies the Ativan*
FOREMAN: *deflates* Never mind, there’s a comma missing after husband.
She quickly went into the kitchen and answered it. "Hello?"
"Stacy? It's Blythe."
Stacy stiffened in surprise.
HOUSE: She lived with me for five years. I’m amazed anything can surprise her.
"Blythe, how nice to hear from you. How are you and John?"
"We're fine, dear. We've just arrived in the States from a trip to Europe."
"Oh, I think Greg mentioned you were flying there. How was it?" Stacy was very curious about the reason for the call. Her ex-mother in law never called.
HOUSE: *tenses* … Ex-mother in law?
FOREMAN: I know! The hyphens are wrong on that!
HOUSE: No! Well, yes, but not my point!
WILSON: Maybe the author didn’t want to say, “her ex-boyfriend’s mother.”
HOUSE: *relaxes* Yes, that must be it.
"It was wonderful. Listen dear, I need you to do something for me," Blythe said.
"If I can," Stacy said cautiously.
FOREMAN: Does author-person realize that there are many other words for said?
WILSON: Be nice. Author-person is probably just realizing what a comma is.
Blythe's laugh was long. "Relax dear, I'm not asking you to break the law.
HOUSE: That’s my specialty.
WILSON: Well, they do say the apple never falls far from the tree.
HOUSE: The apple, in this case, got on a spaceship and decided to see how many light-years away it could go.
KUTNER: Lame.
I want you to do a search on the hospital's position for same sex relationships."
Stacy blinked. "All right. Should I call you back?" she
FOREMAN: Capitalization!
was little taken aback because she really didn't know what the hospital's policy was and she wondered why Blythe wanted to know.
WILSON: Apparently, fanbrat is part of the legion of people who hate Stacy and refuse to credit her with any intelligence.
HOUSE: Oh please! Like I would’ve put up with her for five years if she were a moron.
"No dear, I'll call again soon. Good bye." And then there was the buzz of the phone line that said Blythe had hung up.
FOREMAN: *as Buzz* Blythe has hung up.
TAUB: Since when do phone lines buzz if the other person hangs up anyway? Usually there’s just silence.
THIRTEEN: I said the author-person lives in an odd world.
Shaking her head, Stacy wondered again how people as normal as John and Blythe had produced Greg.
WILSON: Um… House…
HOUSE: It did just say…
WILSON: Your parents…
HOUSE: Were normal?
FOREMAN: Yes.
KUTNER: I take it they’re not?
HOUSE: Well…
WILSON: Well… *speculative look at House* Snuggle-time?
HOUSE: *snuggles*
KUTNER: That bad, huh?
She grabbed her PDA and made a note in it before going to check on her husband.
HOUSE: Because in those couple of minutes, he may have spontaneously combusted.
As she gazed at him, she abruptly compared him to Greg.
TAUB: Is there any other way to compare two people? Is there a way to gradually introduce the topic in your mind?
HOUSE: Tomorrow, I shall think about the difference between Greg and Mark. I shall plan about five minutes for this. I will first compare them, then I will contrast them. Maybe I’ll write a little English-class essay. There you go. Gradual topic introduction.
Both men handicapped, but whereas her husband had let it defeat him,
WILSON: Mark went to physio, group therapy, and actually managed not to push Stacy away. House went to half a physio session, one group therapy session just to piss Mark off, pushed Stacy away twice, and developed a drug addiction. Right. I can definitely see how Mark had let this defeat him.
HOUSE: *pouts* See if I put out tonight.
WILSON: *snuggle*
HOUSE: *snuggle*
KUTNER: This can’t be just shock value.
HOUSE: No, we really are fucking each other. *three-beat long pause* Or I’m just saying that for shock value.
Greg was still grabbing life with both hands and choking the crap out of it,
HOUSE: I hate fics where I’m suicidal.
and a wave of homesickness grabbed her so hard her knees went weak. She missed him.
WILSON: I definitely hate her now.
HOUSE: The second New Jersey decides boy-on-boy action is equitable to boy-on-girl action, I will walk up the aisle with you.
WILSON: House, you sweetheart. *kisses House passionately*
EVERYONE ELSE: *is slightly nauseated*
*
John shook his head at his wife. "You're interfering, dear."
Unpacking her suitcase, Blythe held up the marble statuette she'd bought in Italy and smiled. "I'm a mother, I'm supposed to interfere. Besides, it will stop Stacy in her tracks if she tries something.
WILSON: I love your mother.
HOUSE: Me too. It’s my father I hate.
KUTNER: Who’s Stacy anyway?
FOREMAN: House’s ex-girlfriend. She came back to the hospital to get House to treat Mark, her husband, and…
HOUSE: *hands Kutner, Taub, and Thirteen some disks* Seasons 1 and 2. Should clue you in. You need to watch the last two episodes of Season 1 and the first bunch of Season 2, except for Daddy’s Boy, okay? We’ll wait.
A few hours later: Back in the conference room. House and Wilson are again very rumpled. The new fellows are now wise as to who Stacy is. Foreman is desperately searching for a case. No luck.
Do you think Greg and James will like this?"
"It's ugly."
HOUSE: That does sound like my father. Brutally honest.
"John!"
John laughed and flipped the page of his newspaper. "They'll love it, it's from you."
FOREMAN: Today’s lesson is about the Comma vs. the Semicolon. They are not the same thing. A comma separates a dependent clause from an independent one or two independent clauses with a conjunction. A semicolon -
TAUB: No one cares.
FOREMAN: *pouts*
KUTNER: Do you need a hug too?
FOREMAN: *quickly* No!
"Hmm. Do you ever wonder what Greg saw in Stacy? I mean, she was a nice girl, but she never understood him."
HOUSE: *seethes* No, of course not! Really…
WILSON: *snuggles*
HOUSE: *calms down*
"She has legs up to her ears, honey."
KUTNER: Yes, she did!
HOUSE: That is, in some really odd way, very wrong.
Blythe threw a balled up pair of socks at her husband, hitting the newspaper and making him chuckle.
KUTNER: Your father is a very odd person. Balled up pairs of socks make him chuckle.
HOUSE: I always did think the war addled his brains.
*
James was panting, his heart racing as he lay on his back. Beside him, Greg was trying to get air into his own lungs, and he thought that they sounded like a pair of wheezy asthmatic old men.
HOUSE: We never sound like a pair of wheezy asthmatic old men.
WILSON: Except when we both have the flu.
HOUSE: Anyway, not after sex.
THIRTEEN: Yes, we really needed to know that.
KUTNER: *as a mantra* Just shock value. They’re just saying it for shock value. They’re just saying it for shock value.
FOREMAN: *snorts* Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.
"Wow."
Greg laughed, carefully turning onto his side to admire the rosy, just fucked look of his lover. "Wow, indeed. I think the book really understated how damn good that anal sex would feel."
HOUSE: That anal sex? Opposed to what anal sex?
WILSON: Well… It would help if I know what kind fic!us just had.
KUTNER: Given the apparent age of the author, I’m guessing missionary.
WILSON: See, there’s me doing you with a dildo while you fuck me. There’s another type of anal sex. A much better kind.
FOREMAN: In the way too much information category…
"No kidding!" James rolled to face Greg, wincing slightly.
WILSON: I sound 13 in this. Anyway, why are we so surprised about sex feeling good? We’re not virgins.
HOUSE: Well… sorta. Apparently, no one’s ever fucked us in the ass… Which, technically, not true.
KUTNER: *intrigued* When?
HOUSE: Med school.
FOREMAN: Again, too much information.
"Are you okay?" Greg asked, running a shaking hand over James face before pushing back his sweaty bangs.
WILSON: *angry* Who’s James face?
HOUSE: Damn, you weren’t supposed to find out about him!
"I'm gonna need a cushion for my chair tomorrow, but I'll live,"
HOUSE: Can you imagine if I killed you by fucking you up the ass?
WILSON: It would make a very interesting differential diagnosis.
James said, his brown eyes warming at the caress. He'd never thought that Greg would be a touchy feely kind of lover.
"I'll make sure you have one. God, Jimmy..." what
FOREMAN: Capitalization!
THIRTEEN: Does he call you Jimmy?
HOUSE: Only while I’m screaming.
FOREMAN: Too much information!
Greg couldn't verbalize, he more than made up for it with his actions and he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to James lips.
FOREMAN: Run-on. Again. *twitches*
TAUB: *readies Ativan again*
WILSON: First James face, now James lips?
HOUSE: It’s fic!me, not real!me.
WILSON: *still angry*
HOUSE: *wraps arm around Wilson* *snuggles*
WILSON: *snuggles* *not angry*
"Me too."
The next day James grinned at the Pinky and the Brain cushion that House had dug up somewhere. Oh, yeah, it was nice to feel loved.
KUTNER: A Pinky and the Brain cushion is all it takes? Damn, you are easy.
His door opened and Lisa Cuddy walked in with a paper in her hands.
"Hi Lisa, how are you on this fine morning?"
WILSON: Please tell me I never actually talk like that.
HOUSE: Never. I wouldn’t fuck you if you did.
"I found your change of address form in my inbox. It's okay to list him as a temp address until you get a new place, you know."
WILSON: Apparently, I do know, given that I did it.
HOUSE: Awkward!dialogue alert.
Taking a bracing breath, James nodded. "I know. I've moved in with Greg. And yes, it's permanent."
WILSON: At least fic!me realized how stupid Cuddy’s comment was.
Lisa raised an eyebrow at the look of contentment on Dr. Wilson's face. He looked like the cat that'd gotten the cream, and suddenly the paper in her hands made sense
HOUSE: Because Wilson just bunking with me while he finds another place doesn’t make sense.
WILSON: Or us being roommates.
and she almost reeled from the abrupt knowledge of why Greg would let his best friend move in with him.
HOUSE: Because I’m not as big an asshole as everyone paints me as.
EVERYONE ELSE: ……
HOUSE: Not to Wilson, anyway.
EVERYONE ELSE: … True.
"Holy shit!" and she clapped a hand over her mouth, looking mortified.
WILSON: Because Cuddy really cares if we’re fucking each other. And why is she mortified?
HOUSE: She’s picturing us together. In the naughty sense of the word.
FOREMAN: Right, ignore the grammar. Ignore the missing capital and the extraneous ‘and’.
James laughed, loudly. "God, Lisa, you should see your face."
FOREMAN: Aw, look at the poor, misplaced comma. I feel sorry for it.
Watching him laugh, being so obviously happy, made Lisa feel almost benevolent towards Greg.
HOUSE: It did not, however, make Cuddy feel benevolent towards House.
He was obviously good for Dr. Wilson, and she would do her best to keep it that way.
TAUB: I thought you hated Cuddy meddling.
HOUSE: I thought so too.
"Well, never mind then. I'll pass this into the system," she looked at him speculatively.
FOREMAN: When will author-people learn that not every action can be used as ‘said’? You can’t look “Well, never mind then”!
"I don't suppose that you can keep him in line?"
There was a snort and a look of disbelief. "Are you kidding?"
KUTNER: I thought he denied sex.
FOREMAN: *patiently* Kutner. House and Wilson together is something we try to ignore. Don’t feed them.
HOUSE: Wilson does that plenty already.
FOREMAN: See?! This is why not!
"I didn't think so. Good luck, Dr. Wilson. You're going to need it," she said, smiling wickedly.
HOUSE: Ha! Further proof Cuddy’s a witch! She’s smiling wickedly!
WILSON: House, you do that all the time.
Foreman glanced over at House who was whistling cheerfully.
FOREMAN: Missing comma. Again.
TAUB: You’re missing the bigger picture. House is whistling cheerfully.
KUTNER: House got laid.
There was something odd going on with their boss. He was happy, for one thing, and the entire time they'd been in the office he'd only taken one Vicodin.
HOUSE: I never take only one.
WILSON: Vicodin, the new Lays?
HOUSE: ‘Once you start, you just can’t stop.’ Yeah, something like that.
And his sarcasm was only moderately nasty, which was more than weird, now that he thought about it.
THIRTEEN: It’s only weird if you think about it? Stop thinking, then.
"Okay, I'm creeped out. Why are you so damned happy?" he asked. Cameron and Chase scowled at him, they were enjoying the change of pace and he was rocking the boat.
FOREMAN: Again, semi-colons and commas: NOT interchangeable.
House stopped whistling. "I got laid, is that okay with you, Dr. Nosy-pants?"
Foreman winced. "Okay, I didn't need to know that. You could've just said you've got a new girl friend."
FOREMAN: True, I didn’t need to know that. And girlfriend is one word.
"But that would be lying. I don't have a new girl-friend," House replied, almost reasonably.
FOREMAN: Getting closer. She’s now hyphenating. It’s still outright one word, though.
HOUSE: Why wouldn’t I be reasonable?
"If it's not a girlfriend, then what is..." Chase trailed off and his face flushed.
FOREMAN: Bingo! One word.
"Ah, the Aussie has gotten it. We'll call you Sherlock. I have a new boyfriend.
HOUSE: Actually, it could be a hooker. They do fuck me, which would fulfill the ‘I got laid’ requirement, and she wouldn’t be my girlfriend.
Well, not new. With three marriages I'd consider him slightly used, but that's okay. I'm no virgin either."
TAUB: Slightly used?
WILSON: Not slightly, but that’s House’s fault, not my wives’.
HOUSE: *leer* I wear him out.
There was dead silence, and then Cameron shot to her feet and fled the room.
KUTNER: I have dead silence! Time to shock it back to life! Live, I say, live!
FOREMAN: Kutner, have pity on the silence. It’s probably happy to be out of this fic.
Chase and Forman looked at each other, and in unison said, "Wilson?"
FOREMAN: Extra comma!
WILSON: I find it more amusing you’re saying things at the same time Chase is.
FOREMAN: I was trying to ignore that.
House scowled. "Why is that so surprising? I know he's too good for me, but I'd like to think I have something to offer in this relationship."
HOUSE: Great sex, for one.
FOREMAN: Too. Much. Information.
Chase swallowed a laugh and nodded. "He must be a saint." And Forman wasn't quick enough and guffawed.
FOREMAN: That’s not even remotely funny.
"Very funny. Go track down Cameron and send her in here, then find me a patient."
Foreman stood and was about to follow Chase out, when he stopped. "House, don't be hard on Cameron," he said.
HOUSE: I’m usually hard on Wilson, instead.
WILSON: I thought that was hard for.
HOUSE: That too.
House grimaced. "Don't worry. I don't kick puppies either." He wasn't looking forward to the conversation with Alison.
HOUSE: My conversation with Cameron, on the other hand…
The black doctor nodded and let the door shut behind him.
FOREMAN: Why is that the only thing people mention about me? Do they say that House is the limping twerp? Do they say that Cameron is the woman? Do they say that Chase is the Aussie?
HOUSE: … Actually, they do.
"Well, that ought to get the gossip mills running overtime" he murmured with satisfaction before grabbing his game boy.
FOREMAN: I think I have some extra commas somewhere for that line. *rummages*
HOUSE: That’s not how you spell Gameboy.
A couple of hours later, House and Wilson were talking as they drank their coffee, when a pale Cameron knocked on the door.
HOUSE: As opposed to a flushed Cameron. There are many Camerons roaming the hallways.
WILSON: Oh no! She got into the cloning study, didn’t she?
HOUSE: We’re going to be smothered by caring!
Wilson looked at her, then at House. "I'll just go to my office."
"Thanks," House said. "Come in Cameron."
FOREMAN: *twitches* Comma.
WILSON: Why would I leave?
HOUSE: Why would I want you to leave?
Alison stiffly walked in and sat in the seat that Wilson vacated.
HOUSE: She’s trying to take your place!
WILSON: *pout* Wait! No, she’s not! Someone named ‘Alison’ is. Thank goodness you hired an ‘Allison.’
House sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face.
THIRTEEN: I think that’s the weirdest use of the word scrubbed I’ve seen.
"Look, there was nothing between us except a boss and worker bee relationship. It would never have worked and I would have made you miserable, okay?"
HOUSE: *squints* I’m a cross between… caring and brusque here… It sounds so not like me.
WILSON: You did let her down nicely once.
HOUSE: It was a date. I had to let her down nicely then. Date rules.
WILSON: You never follow rules.
HOUSE: I know. I put out on the first date with you.
FOREMAN: Too. Much. Information.
She looked at him sadly. "What does Dr. Wilson have that I don't?"
HOUSE: *grabs Wilson’s crotch* I think I have the answer to that right here.
FOREMAN: See? I told you they get worse!
HOUSE: *doesn’t move hand*
House raised an eyebrow and she blushed, and had to laugh a little. "Well, besides ~that~," she said.
FOREMAN: That comma has to be transplanted. From blushed to eyebrow.
HOUSE: Hey, look, fic!me had the same reaction!
WILSON: *moans* House, your hand.
HOUSE: Oh, right, sorry. *opens Wilson’s pants, sticks hand in, moves* Better?
EVERYONE ELSE: *is nauseated*
He thought about it for a minute. "James is a three time loser with women, and I know it and I know why. I accept him, warts and all, and he does the same for me. He won't try to change me, at least not obviously," he rolled his eyes when he thought about the dinner with his folks and everyone who'd been invited, "And if he tries, I know it's because he loves me," he shrugged uncomfortably. He hated having his emotions laid out like a three day old dead fish.
HOUSE: Why am I bothering to explain all this to Cameron? And what does a dead fish have to do with this?
WILSON: I dunno. You never said anything like that to me.
HOUSE: You are far too lucid for someone receiving a handjob. *redoubles efforts*
Cameron smiled and shook her head. "You'd be lost without him," she said softly, and suddenly it didn't hurt quite so much anymore.
THIRTEEN: *in a strained voice* Look! It’s magic! It’s the odd world fanbrat inhabits! Knowing that the person you have a crush on is happy automatically makes you feel better.
"Well damn, I could've said that and shortened the entire conversation," House grumbled.
Chase poked his head in. "I've found a case." They heard Foreman complain loudly that he'd been there too, "Sorry, ~we've found a case," the blonde doctor said with a grin.
FOREMAN: See, they notice that! They never call me the black-haired doctor.
HOUSE: It’s one word extra.
FOREMAN: *scowls*
House sighed with relief and pushed to his feet. "Alright Cameron, up and at `em. Time to prove the bozo's wrong."
FOREMAN: Bozo’s? Ignoring the extra apostrophe, since when are we bozos?
TAUB: *helpful* There’s a missing comma too!
FOREMAN: *twitch* I was trying to ignore that.
_____________________________________________________________________
Dr. Cuddy looked at the paper in front of her, and then looked at the hospital board. "Okay, I think that's all for old business."
HOUSE: I knew there was a reason not to attend those. All they do is old business.
One of the board members, a crony of Vogler's held up a hand. "I have new business."
TAUB: Ooh, look at the missing comma!
FOREMAN: We can’t look at it! It’s not there.
"Go ahead."
"I want Dr. House fired on the grounds of moral turpitude."
Everyone gaped and Lisa groaned silently. "On what do you base your accusation?" she asked calmly.
HOUSE: Because, really, the list is endless. I’ve shrunken tumors -
FOREMAN: I think Wilson did the actual shrinking.
HOUSE: He was giving me a present. Anyway. I’ve accepted cars from mobsters, I’ve lied to the transplant committee, I’ve induced heart attacks, I’ve ignored patient wishes, dug up a cat -
FOREMAN: We did the actual digging.
HOUSE: Brought a termite into the OR…
TAUB: We get the point. We’re employed by a madman.
"Dr. House is in a homosexual relationship," the man said loudly.
THIRTEEN: Isn’t Wilson on the board?
HOUSE: Yes.
THIRTEEN: Then where is he?
HOUSE: Probably getting fucked by me.
"Oh please," the head of Surgery said. "I'll have you know that ever since House and Wilson took up together I've received at least 50 percent fewer complaints from nurses, residents ~and~ attending physicians, and our incoming donations have tripled. I say if it's not broke, don't fix it."
FOREMAN: head of Surgery? Since when is Surgery a capital and Head of Surgery isn’t?
TAUB: Missing comma?
HOUSE: Taub, we don’t actually need to use the Ativan.
Stacy's mouth had dropped open and she had a hectic red flush in her cheeks as she listened. Abruptly her mouth snapped shut and she cleared her throat. "Excuse me, but we have no legal standing to fire Dr. House."
HOUSE: Actually, they do, just not for screwing Wilson. Crazy works for me.
She blushed as everyone looked at her pityingly. "I've recently looked it up and we can not discriminate based on sexual orientation. If we did, then Dr. House could sue us, as could Dr. Wilson."
HOUSE: Of course, ignoring all of my other actions.
TAUB: We get it. You’re crazy. Stop telling us!
HOUSE: You saw what happens once you get hired by me. No one hires you ever again.
FOREMAN: *scowl*
Lisa breathed a silent sigh of relief. She hadn't known the hospital policy and wondered how Stacy had known to look it up.
THIRTEEN: This doesn’t say much about her as an administrator, does it? If she doesn’t know hospital policy?
"If that's settled?" Lisa asked brightly as she looked around. "Then we're adjourned."
HOUSE: It’s settled? That’s it? God, this is a summary.
KUTNER: Not quite. At least they included people talking.
HOUSE: Point. I’m guessing that the person’s never been to a meeting in her life.
FOREMAN: Okay, we’re taking a quick break. I don’t want to see that *gestures at House and Wilson* conclude.
*
A little later (Wilson and House are sitting in separate chairs without touching):
Stacy stood in the hallway and stared at her ex-husband.
HOUSE: It… did it just say ex-husband?
WILSON: Stacy was married before and you never told me?
HOUSE: I didn’t know!
He was in his office, working with his staff, while James sat and contributed. There was an easiness and affection that was now as clear as day. How did she not see this? She knew that James had cheated on his wives, had he cheated with Greg? Abruptly Greg's eyes met hers, and he stood straighter and said something to James, whose head snapped around to see her. Unable to stand there any longer, she fled to her office.
HOUSE: Fic!Stacy’s spineless. And I never cheated on her with anyone. Hm… *starts searching boxes*
FOREMAN: *patiently* What are you looking for?
HOUSE: My marriage certificate to Stacy. I thought we weren’t married, but…
It was the longest day of her life as she fought feelings of jealousy, despair, rage, regret and sadness. She was glad that no one bothered her, she wasn't sure how she'd react. It was almost five o'clock when someone knocked at her door.
FOREMAN: The comma and the…
HOUSE: Don’t care. I can’t find a marriage certificate.
WILSON: Why is she jealous? She left you.
HOUSE: Apparently, I’m still the One.
"Come in," she said as she shoved papers into her briefcase.
The door opened slowly, and Greg peeked around it. "Is it safe?"
HOUSE:… *blinks* I opened the door slowly? And peeked? And asked…
WILSON: It’s not you! It’s Greg.
"I'm not going to shoot you if that's what you mean," she snapped.
HOUSE: She’s just going to kill me with lethal amounts of sarcasm.
"Aw, you're pissy," House said as he limped in and sat down. He rested his hands on his cane and regarded her thoughtfully. "I'm sorry Stacy. I assumed that you'd heard already."
TAUB: I didn’t thinking assumption was your style.
HOUSE: I do usually wait until I have something to back it up.
"Did you cheat on me?" she blurted and wanted to take it back.
KUTNER: Why would she want to take it back? It’s a perfectly normal question. She wants to know if she should slap you.
A gentle expression settled over his face. "No, Stacy. I did not cheat on you. Not with James or anyone."
HOUSE: Gentle?
WILSON: You are with the people you love…
HOUSE: *sends Wilson a scathing look*
WILSON: *amends* At times… like post-coital.
HOUSE: You better hope that’s not why I’m gentle with Stacy now.
Stacy nodded, and then automatically closed her briefcase. "I miss you. I miss your zest for life and your intelligence," she looked up at him. "I'm sorry."
FOREMAN: Not all actions are speech!
TAUB: Why is she apologizing?
House knew she meant for his leg and for leaving him. "I think..." he began, "that it was for the best. We had a good marriage, and it's prepared me for what I have with Wilson. I'm trying harder because I have more to lose."
HOUSE: We had no marriage.
WILSON: Well, you know what they say. No marriage is good marriage.
She nodded and stood up, watching as he struggled slightly to get to his feet. "Are you happy?" she asked as he limped to the door.
He smiled. "As a clam."
HOUSE: Why are clams happy? They’re barely sentient life.
WILSON: Maybe that’s why they’re happy. Especially in this fic.
**
That night Wilson was laying on the couch, his back propped with pillows and House was against his chest as they watched wrestling. He could lean up and nuzzle to his hearts content, and was happy.
FOREMAN: Is the author trying to make up for all the missing commas by sticking some in randomly now?
They hadn't discussed what happened during the day, they'd both heard what happened during the board meeting, and James knew that Greg had gone to see Stacy. He was in no hurry; there was a peace about his lover that told him everything was okay.
FOREMAN: Oh my God. I need to cast that in bronze. A semi-colon in a bad!fic.
TAUB: A correctly used semi-colon.
FOREMAN: Take a picture so that no one doubts us!
Now all they had left was to tell his parents. Oy.
WILSON: *stretches* Well, glad that’s done with.
KUTNER: This… was disturbing.
HOUSE: *shrugs* Bad!fics can get much worse, actually.
KUTNER: I meant the… you know.
HOUSE: *plays stupid* No, I don’t.
KUTNER: *awkward stammering*
THIRTEEN: Oh, for God’s sake… He means the handjob!
WILSON: *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
TAUB: No! No, no, no! This was not meant to prompt you two!
FOREMAN: *wearily* Leave it. If you protest, they get even more blatant just to piss you off. Really, unless you ignore it…
KUTNER: Apparently, ignoring it leads to a handjob.
FOREMAN: You didn’t ignore it.
HOUSE: Is no one annoyed that the author-person got this many details wrong?
FOREMAN: She probably just heard her friend talk about the show and wrote based on that. *shrugs* House, it’s bad!fic. It’s normal for bad!fic.
KUTNER: *gets up* I’m going to go find a case before House finds another bad!fic.
THIRTEEN: *gets up* I’ll help.
TAUB: *gets up* Me too!
FOREMAN: *looks at House and Wilson, who are still having eyesex* Er… I think I’ll help with that.
HOUSE & WILSON: Finally.
A/N: Right, forgot about this. Stupid me. The bit at the beginning, with the review and the response... it is an actual review/response to an actual story (NOT this one). Cris, my lovely wife, was telling me about it and I felt that it had a place in an MST (and then I forgot to credit, which is why I'm editing this now). I stop rambling.
Author: Nemesis (Nems) -- well, of the MST, anyway.
Pairing: FIC: House/Wilson. MST: House/Wilson.
Rating: FIC: Um, PG, I guess. MST: R
Warnings: It's an MST, so BAD!FIC. Just not MY bad!fic
Disclaimer: Okay. *munches some popcorn*. I'm watching the credits now... Wouldja look at that! They don't say "Nemesis" anywhere near there. Not even in the random tech stuffs. Guess it's not mine then!
(AND! The bad!fic is NOT mine!)
THE BAD!FIC in this is a sequel to the bad!fic in my other MST, so this MST is also kinda a sequel to my other MST. The other MST, In Lieu of the Cuddy's Thong Removal Challenge, can be found HERE
A/N: Betaed by my adorable and lovely wife, Cris. I dedicate it to her because she loves me, loves my writing, loves bad!fic, loves MSTs, and because I've been cracking her ribs with my MSTs (okay, I've only had two so far...)
Dr. House is being forced would like to take this time and space to remind you that "puppies shouldn't be kicked, Chase is a whore, and reviews are love. Can I have a week off Clinic duty now?" Dr. Wilson would like to add, "Favorite lines are much appreciated, I'm told. Ditto for concrit." Nems likes reviews, they keep him writing lots and lots!
House and Wilson enter. Wilson is straightening his tie. House’s clothes are even more rumpled than usual. Both of them seem very… satisfied. Cat-in-the-cream, even.
HOUSE: It’s time for more bad!fic.
TAUB: *shrugs* Okay. I mean, the first one wasn’t so bad.
HOUSE: It’s the sequel to that one, actually.
WILSON: Oh, God. Does this mean fic!me has to suffer through more awkward conversations with fic!your parents?
HOUSE: Hey, fic!me’s parents are better than my actual parents. Which one would you rather deal with?
WILSON: Point.
Kutner logs on to the computer.
KUTNER: Oh, wow. You have to look at this. I reviewed the fic we read before.
FOREMAN: Why would you do that?
KUTNER: *shrug* I felt like it.
HOUSE: So, what did you write?
KUTNER: *reads aloud* “I laughed so hard. Thank you for that! But then I realized that crying would be the more appropriate response to your fic.”
THIRTEEN: What are we supposed to be amused by?
KUTNER: She answered. Listen to what she wrote: “i thank u so much 4 reviewing and y would u cry? its supposed to be a happy story! but cry if u want. luvs and hugs.”
EVERYONE: … *blink blink blink*
WILSON: Is… that a joke?
HOUSE: Given the quality of her work, I don’t think so.
FOREMAN: Humanity is doomed.
HOUSE: I knew that already. Let’s see what happens to us in the sequel. Maybe this is the one I become fic!ex-Mrs. Wilson #4. We were certainly heading that way when we left off last time.
WILSON: Hold on. Kutner, you’re still in charge of the crash cart, and Taub, you’re still in charge of the Ativan, okay?
TAUB & KUTNER: Yes.
THIRTEEN: What am I in charge of?
HOUSE: The morphine. *begins reading out loud*
Wilson quietly walked past the Ducklings, and into House's office, quietly closing the door behind him.
WILSON: Just in case you missed that I’m doing this quietly.
FOREMAN: Remind me. How are you doing this?
WILSON: Quietly.
HOUSE: So, not loudly.
WILSON: Right. I’m doing it quietly.
He waited, and couldn't help smiling as he heard the beeps and mini-explosions as his lover conquered the video game of the moment. After a minute, House groaned
KUTNER: If you’re conquering, why are you groaning?
WILSON: Well, Kutner, House has a set of sounds he emits when I provide certain stimuli. A groan is indicative of…
THIRTEEN: Moving on.
and put the game down, then smiled at Wilson.
WILSON: Aw… you never smile at me in real life.
HOUSE: *smiles*
WILSON: That’s a leer.
HOUSE: *shrugs* You like those more anyway.
WILSON: *pouts* I want a real smile.
HOUSE: I’m not sure my face does that. *tries*
WILSON: *sighs* Close enough.
HOUSE: Aww… Wilson’s upset. *wraps arm around Wilson’s shoulders, pulls him close*
WILSON: *snuggle*
TAUB: Does every bad!fic session result in those two snuggling?
FOREMAN: Yes. Something in the fic sets House or Wilson off, the other one tries to comfort him. Sometimes they even manage to hold out longer than this.
"And what can I do for my favorite doctor, today?"
FOREMAN: Ooh! There’s one! It’s a little banged-up and dusty, but it’ll do. I’ll get the box.
EVERYONE: …
WILSON: *extra patiently* Foreman, what are you doing?
FOREMAN: I’m collecting extraneous commas to put in where other commas are needed. I’m calling it the Comma Reappropriation Association. CRA.
HOUSE: Sounds rather communist of you.
House asked. He could see the signs of strain around Wilson's eyes and the tension in his best friend and lover's shoulders.
TAUB: Wait a minute. How many people are we dealing with?
KUTNER: Yeah, how many friends do you have?
HOUSE: Wilson! They’re hurting my feelings!
WILSON: House, we’re already snuggling.
HOUSE: Oh, right. *snuggles closer*
WILSON: *snuggle*
EVERYONE ELSE: *averts eyes*
A wave of warm fuzzies,
WILSON: I broke into the stuffed animal factory and stole the stuffing.
which he would deny to his death, and love, swamped Wilson because he could see that House meant what he said.
HOUSE: All I said was that you’re my favorite doctor. Why would this swamp you with warm fuzzies and love?
THIRTEEN: Well, I mean, it’s a very sweet thing of you to…
HOUSE: Oh please. Who else would be my favorite doctor? Cuddy, who’s not a real doctor? Ridiculously old fraud? One of you four? Chase or Cameron? Or one of the hundreds of doctors here, most of whom hate me?
"I've got a present for you."
Greg rubbed his hands together, leering exaggeratedly.
HOUSE: Again, with the Greg!
WILSON: I never knew you could leer exaggeratedly.
HOUSE: It does destroy the point. A normal leer serves its purpose just fine. *demonstrates*
WILSON: Yes, it does. *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
THIRTEEN: You know, this is getting really old.
"Ooh, what can it be?"
With a snicker and a marked loosening of his shoulders, James tossed the envelope with its address of his lawyer in the corner, onto the desk.
FOREMAN: I… don’t even know where to begin with this. Okay. With its address of his lawyer? Is that even in English?
HOUSE: It’s pseudo-English, popular among fanbrats.
FOREMAN: And the extraneous comma!
"It's a surprise."
HOUSE: I love surprises! Especially from Wilson.
WILSON: *grin*
KUTNER: *oblivious* Does he usually get you envelopes? With odd lawyers’ addresses in corners?
HOUSE: No. Last thing he got me was a purple, two headed dildo. The thing before that was a pink, fuzzy cockring. The thing before that was…
KUTNER: Okay! Okay! Enough!
THIRTEEN: You walked right into that.
He sat down and sighed with relief. He hadn't realized how tightly wound he'd been.
KUTNER: The tenseness wasn’t enough to clue him in?
HOUSE: Apparently not.
WILSON: House, I’m tense.
HOUSE: Well, apparently you should give me a present.
EVERYONE ELSE: NO!
WILSON: I was thinking you should give me one.
HOUSE: *thinks for a moment* Okay. *sits on his desk*
WILSON: *shifts chair close to House*
HOUSE: *gives Wilson a massage*
FOREMAN: Moving on.
Casting a sharp look at Wilson, measuring
HOUSE: I want to buy him a dress for Christmas.
and checking him over with a knowledgeable gaze,
WILSON: Wow. His gaze is knowledgeable.
HOUSE: Yeah, I sent it to take college courses at Harvard. It came back with a PhD.
House opened the envelope and his eyebrows rose. "Divorce papers. Wow, how did you know?" he asked facetiously.
HOUSE: I didn’t hint at it nearly enough.
KUTNER: Wait, you were trying to… *is confused*
FOREMAN: Don’t rise to their bait.
HOUSE: There’s only one thing that should rise to my bait.
WILSON: *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
THIRTEEN: Enough with the weird-eye thing already!
"It's not diamonds, but I thought you would like it. Notice, she didn't contest it. And I also don't have to pay alimony, though I think that's because she was cheating too and didn't want her parents to find out."
The two men gazed silently at each other,
HOUSE: See, our fic!counterparts are having eyesex, too!
then House smiled. "We should go out and celebrate!"
THIRTEEN: This author lives in a fantasy world. Divorce takes a matter of minutes and is celebrated. Never mind that it’s a chapter of Wilson’s life ending and that he should be a bit sad about parting ways…
HOUSE: Well, he is cheating on his wife with the new love-of-his-life.
WILSON: You’ve always been the love of my life.
HOUSE: *sits back in chair* Aww… *kisses Wilson*
FOREMAN: *takes over reading fic*
**
Stacy was at home, staring at her husband who was dozing after dinner, when the phone rang.
FOREMAN: *blink blink* Oh my God. A properly punctuated sentence. A complex properly punctuated sentence!
TAUB: *readies the Ativan*
FOREMAN: *deflates* Never mind, there’s a comma missing after husband.
She quickly went into the kitchen and answered it. "Hello?"
"Stacy? It's Blythe."
Stacy stiffened in surprise.
HOUSE: She lived with me for five years. I’m amazed anything can surprise her.
"Blythe, how nice to hear from you. How are you and John?"
"We're fine, dear. We've just arrived in the States from a trip to Europe."
"Oh, I think Greg mentioned you were flying there. How was it?" Stacy was very curious about the reason for the call. Her ex-mother in law never called.
HOUSE: *tenses* … Ex-mother in law?
FOREMAN: I know! The hyphens are wrong on that!
HOUSE: No! Well, yes, but not my point!
WILSON: Maybe the author didn’t want to say, “her ex-boyfriend’s mother.”
HOUSE: *relaxes* Yes, that must be it.
"It was wonderful. Listen dear, I need you to do something for me," Blythe said.
"If I can," Stacy said cautiously.
FOREMAN: Does author-person realize that there are many other words for said?
WILSON: Be nice. Author-person is probably just realizing what a comma is.
Blythe's laugh was long. "Relax dear, I'm not asking you to break the law.
HOUSE: That’s my specialty.
WILSON: Well, they do say the apple never falls far from the tree.
HOUSE: The apple, in this case, got on a spaceship and decided to see how many light-years away it could go.
KUTNER: Lame.
I want you to do a search on the hospital's position for same sex relationships."
Stacy blinked. "All right. Should I call you back?" she
FOREMAN: Capitalization!
was little taken aback because she really didn't know what the hospital's policy was and she wondered why Blythe wanted to know.
WILSON: Apparently, fanbrat is part of the legion of people who hate Stacy and refuse to credit her with any intelligence.
HOUSE: Oh please! Like I would’ve put up with her for five years if she were a moron.
"No dear, I'll call again soon. Good bye." And then there was the buzz of the phone line that said Blythe had hung up.
FOREMAN: *as Buzz* Blythe has hung up.
TAUB: Since when do phone lines buzz if the other person hangs up anyway? Usually there’s just silence.
THIRTEEN: I said the author-person lives in an odd world.
Shaking her head, Stacy wondered again how people as normal as John and Blythe had produced Greg.
WILSON: Um… House…
HOUSE: It did just say…
WILSON: Your parents…
HOUSE: Were normal?
FOREMAN: Yes.
KUTNER: I take it they’re not?
HOUSE: Well…
WILSON: Well… *speculative look at House* Snuggle-time?
HOUSE: *snuggles*
KUTNER: That bad, huh?
She grabbed her PDA and made a note in it before going to check on her husband.
HOUSE: Because in those couple of minutes, he may have spontaneously combusted.
As she gazed at him, she abruptly compared him to Greg.
TAUB: Is there any other way to compare two people? Is there a way to gradually introduce the topic in your mind?
HOUSE: Tomorrow, I shall think about the difference between Greg and Mark. I shall plan about five minutes for this. I will first compare them, then I will contrast them. Maybe I’ll write a little English-class essay. There you go. Gradual topic introduction.
Both men handicapped, but whereas her husband had let it defeat him,
WILSON: Mark went to physio, group therapy, and actually managed not to push Stacy away. House went to half a physio session, one group therapy session just to piss Mark off, pushed Stacy away twice, and developed a drug addiction. Right. I can definitely see how Mark had let this defeat him.
HOUSE: *pouts* See if I put out tonight.
WILSON: *snuggle*
HOUSE: *snuggle*
KUTNER: This can’t be just shock value.
HOUSE: No, we really are fucking each other. *three-beat long pause* Or I’m just saying that for shock value.
Greg was still grabbing life with both hands and choking the crap out of it,
HOUSE: I hate fics where I’m suicidal.
and a wave of homesickness grabbed her so hard her knees went weak. She missed him.
WILSON: I definitely hate her now.
HOUSE: The second New Jersey decides boy-on-boy action is equitable to boy-on-girl action, I will walk up the aisle with you.
WILSON: House, you sweetheart. *kisses House passionately*
EVERYONE ELSE: *is slightly nauseated*
*
John shook his head at his wife. "You're interfering, dear."
Unpacking her suitcase, Blythe held up the marble statuette she'd bought in Italy and smiled. "I'm a mother, I'm supposed to interfere. Besides, it will stop Stacy in her tracks if she tries something.
WILSON: I love your mother.
HOUSE: Me too. It’s my father I hate.
KUTNER: Who’s Stacy anyway?
FOREMAN: House’s ex-girlfriend. She came back to the hospital to get House to treat Mark, her husband, and…
HOUSE: *hands Kutner, Taub, and Thirteen some disks* Seasons 1 and 2. Should clue you in. You need to watch the last two episodes of Season 1 and the first bunch of Season 2, except for Daddy’s Boy, okay? We’ll wait.
A few hours later: Back in the conference room. House and Wilson are again very rumpled. The new fellows are now wise as to who Stacy is. Foreman is desperately searching for a case. No luck.
Do you think Greg and James will like this?"
"It's ugly."
HOUSE: That does sound like my father. Brutally honest.
"John!"
John laughed and flipped the page of his newspaper. "They'll love it, it's from you."
FOREMAN: Today’s lesson is about the Comma vs. the Semicolon. They are not the same thing. A comma separates a dependent clause from an independent one or two independent clauses with a conjunction. A semicolon -
TAUB: No one cares.
FOREMAN: *pouts*
KUTNER: Do you need a hug too?
FOREMAN: *quickly* No!
"Hmm. Do you ever wonder what Greg saw in Stacy? I mean, she was a nice girl, but she never understood him."
HOUSE: *seethes* No, of course not! Really…
WILSON: *snuggles*
HOUSE: *calms down*
"She has legs up to her ears, honey."
KUTNER: Yes, she did!
HOUSE: That is, in some really odd way, very wrong.
Blythe threw a balled up pair of socks at her husband, hitting the newspaper and making him chuckle.
KUTNER: Your father is a very odd person. Balled up pairs of socks make him chuckle.
HOUSE: I always did think the war addled his brains.
*
James was panting, his heart racing as he lay on his back. Beside him, Greg was trying to get air into his own lungs, and he thought that they sounded like a pair of wheezy asthmatic old men.
HOUSE: We never sound like a pair of wheezy asthmatic old men.
WILSON: Except when we both have the flu.
HOUSE: Anyway, not after sex.
THIRTEEN: Yes, we really needed to know that.
KUTNER: *as a mantra* Just shock value. They’re just saying it for shock value. They’re just saying it for shock value.
FOREMAN: *snorts* Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.
"Wow."
Greg laughed, carefully turning onto his side to admire the rosy, just fucked look of his lover. "Wow, indeed. I think the book really understated how damn good that anal sex would feel."
HOUSE: That anal sex? Opposed to what anal sex?
WILSON: Well… It would help if I know what kind fic!us just had.
KUTNER: Given the apparent age of the author, I’m guessing missionary.
WILSON: See, there’s me doing you with a dildo while you fuck me. There’s another type of anal sex. A much better kind.
FOREMAN: In the way too much information category…
"No kidding!" James rolled to face Greg, wincing slightly.
WILSON: I sound 13 in this. Anyway, why are we so surprised about sex feeling good? We’re not virgins.
HOUSE: Well… sorta. Apparently, no one’s ever fucked us in the ass… Which, technically, not true.
KUTNER: *intrigued* When?
HOUSE: Med school.
FOREMAN: Again, too much information.
"Are you okay?" Greg asked, running a shaking hand over James face before pushing back his sweaty bangs.
WILSON: *angry* Who’s James face?
HOUSE: Damn, you weren’t supposed to find out about him!
"I'm gonna need a cushion for my chair tomorrow, but I'll live,"
HOUSE: Can you imagine if I killed you by fucking you up the ass?
WILSON: It would make a very interesting differential diagnosis.
James said, his brown eyes warming at the caress. He'd never thought that Greg would be a touchy feely kind of lover.
"I'll make sure you have one. God, Jimmy..." what
FOREMAN: Capitalization!
THIRTEEN: Does he call you Jimmy?
HOUSE: Only while I’m screaming.
FOREMAN: Too much information!
Greg couldn't verbalize, he more than made up for it with his actions and he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to James lips.
FOREMAN: Run-on. Again. *twitches*
TAUB: *readies Ativan again*
WILSON: First James face, now James lips?
HOUSE: It’s fic!me, not real!me.
WILSON: *still angry*
HOUSE: *wraps arm around Wilson* *snuggles*
WILSON: *snuggles* *not angry*
"Me too."
The next day James grinned at the Pinky and the Brain cushion that House had dug up somewhere. Oh, yeah, it was nice to feel loved.
KUTNER: A Pinky and the Brain cushion is all it takes? Damn, you are easy.
His door opened and Lisa Cuddy walked in with a paper in her hands.
"Hi Lisa, how are you on this fine morning?"
WILSON: Please tell me I never actually talk like that.
HOUSE: Never. I wouldn’t fuck you if you did.
"I found your change of address form in my inbox. It's okay to list him as a temp address until you get a new place, you know."
WILSON: Apparently, I do know, given that I did it.
HOUSE: Awkward!dialogue alert.
Taking a bracing breath, James nodded. "I know. I've moved in with Greg. And yes, it's permanent."
WILSON: At least fic!me realized how stupid Cuddy’s comment was.
Lisa raised an eyebrow at the look of contentment on Dr. Wilson's face. He looked like the cat that'd gotten the cream, and suddenly the paper in her hands made sense
HOUSE: Because Wilson just bunking with me while he finds another place doesn’t make sense.
WILSON: Or us being roommates.
and she almost reeled from the abrupt knowledge of why Greg would let his best friend move in with him.
HOUSE: Because I’m not as big an asshole as everyone paints me as.
EVERYONE ELSE: ……
HOUSE: Not to Wilson, anyway.
EVERYONE ELSE: … True.
"Holy shit!" and she clapped a hand over her mouth, looking mortified.
WILSON: Because Cuddy really cares if we’re fucking each other. And why is she mortified?
HOUSE: She’s picturing us together. In the naughty sense of the word.
FOREMAN: Right, ignore the grammar. Ignore the missing capital and the extraneous ‘and’.
James laughed, loudly. "God, Lisa, you should see your face."
FOREMAN: Aw, look at the poor, misplaced comma. I feel sorry for it.
Watching him laugh, being so obviously happy, made Lisa feel almost benevolent towards Greg.
HOUSE: It did not, however, make Cuddy feel benevolent towards House.
He was obviously good for Dr. Wilson, and she would do her best to keep it that way.
TAUB: I thought you hated Cuddy meddling.
HOUSE: I thought so too.
"Well, never mind then. I'll pass this into the system," she looked at him speculatively.
FOREMAN: When will author-people learn that not every action can be used as ‘said’? You can’t look “Well, never mind then”!
"I don't suppose that you can keep him in line?"
There was a snort and a look of disbelief. "Are you kidding?"
KUTNER: I thought he denied sex.
FOREMAN: *patiently* Kutner. House and Wilson together is something we try to ignore. Don’t feed them.
HOUSE: Wilson does that plenty already.
FOREMAN: See?! This is why not!
"I didn't think so. Good luck, Dr. Wilson. You're going to need it," she said, smiling wickedly.
HOUSE: Ha! Further proof Cuddy’s a witch! She’s smiling wickedly!
WILSON: House, you do that all the time.
Foreman glanced over at House who was whistling cheerfully.
FOREMAN: Missing comma. Again.
TAUB: You’re missing the bigger picture. House is whistling cheerfully.
KUTNER: House got laid.
There was something odd going on with their boss. He was happy, for one thing, and the entire time they'd been in the office he'd only taken one Vicodin.
HOUSE: I never take only one.
WILSON: Vicodin, the new Lays?
HOUSE: ‘Once you start, you just can’t stop.’ Yeah, something like that.
And his sarcasm was only moderately nasty, which was more than weird, now that he thought about it.
THIRTEEN: It’s only weird if you think about it? Stop thinking, then.
"Okay, I'm creeped out. Why are you so damned happy?" he asked. Cameron and Chase scowled at him, they were enjoying the change of pace and he was rocking the boat.
FOREMAN: Again, semi-colons and commas: NOT interchangeable.
House stopped whistling. "I got laid, is that okay with you, Dr. Nosy-pants?"
Foreman winced. "Okay, I didn't need to know that. You could've just said you've got a new girl friend."
FOREMAN: True, I didn’t need to know that. And girlfriend is one word.
"But that would be lying. I don't have a new girl-friend," House replied, almost reasonably.
FOREMAN: Getting closer. She’s now hyphenating. It’s still outright one word, though.
HOUSE: Why wouldn’t I be reasonable?
"If it's not a girlfriend, then what is..." Chase trailed off and his face flushed.
FOREMAN: Bingo! One word.
"Ah, the Aussie has gotten it. We'll call you Sherlock. I have a new boyfriend.
HOUSE: Actually, it could be a hooker. They do fuck me, which would fulfill the ‘I got laid’ requirement, and she wouldn’t be my girlfriend.
Well, not new. With three marriages I'd consider him slightly used, but that's okay. I'm no virgin either."
TAUB: Slightly used?
WILSON: Not slightly, but that’s House’s fault, not my wives’.
HOUSE: *leer* I wear him out.
There was dead silence, and then Cameron shot to her feet and fled the room.
KUTNER: I have dead silence! Time to shock it back to life! Live, I say, live!
FOREMAN: Kutner, have pity on the silence. It’s probably happy to be out of this fic.
Chase and Forman looked at each other, and in unison said, "Wilson?"
FOREMAN: Extra comma!
WILSON: I find it more amusing you’re saying things at the same time Chase is.
FOREMAN: I was trying to ignore that.
House scowled. "Why is that so surprising? I know he's too good for me, but I'd like to think I have something to offer in this relationship."
HOUSE: Great sex, for one.
FOREMAN: Too. Much. Information.
Chase swallowed a laugh and nodded. "He must be a saint." And Forman wasn't quick enough and guffawed.
FOREMAN: That’s not even remotely funny.
"Very funny. Go track down Cameron and send her in here, then find me a patient."
Foreman stood and was about to follow Chase out, when he stopped. "House, don't be hard on Cameron," he said.
HOUSE: I’m usually hard on Wilson, instead.
WILSON: I thought that was hard for.
HOUSE: That too.
House grimaced. "Don't worry. I don't kick puppies either." He wasn't looking forward to the conversation with Alison.
HOUSE: My conversation with Cameron, on the other hand…
The black doctor nodded and let the door shut behind him.
FOREMAN: Why is that the only thing people mention about me? Do they say that House is the limping twerp? Do they say that Cameron is the woman? Do they say that Chase is the Aussie?
HOUSE: … Actually, they do.
"Well, that ought to get the gossip mills running overtime" he murmured with satisfaction before grabbing his game boy.
FOREMAN: I think I have some extra commas somewhere for that line. *rummages*
HOUSE: That’s not how you spell Gameboy.
A couple of hours later, House and Wilson were talking as they drank their coffee, when a pale Cameron knocked on the door.
HOUSE: As opposed to a flushed Cameron. There are many Camerons roaming the hallways.
WILSON: Oh no! She got into the cloning study, didn’t she?
HOUSE: We’re going to be smothered by caring!
Wilson looked at her, then at House. "I'll just go to my office."
"Thanks," House said. "Come in Cameron."
FOREMAN: *twitches* Comma.
WILSON: Why would I leave?
HOUSE: Why would I want you to leave?
Alison stiffly walked in and sat in the seat that Wilson vacated.
HOUSE: She’s trying to take your place!
WILSON: *pout* Wait! No, she’s not! Someone named ‘Alison’ is. Thank goodness you hired an ‘Allison.’
House sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face.
THIRTEEN: I think that’s the weirdest use of the word scrubbed I’ve seen.
"Look, there was nothing between us except a boss and worker bee relationship. It would never have worked and I would have made you miserable, okay?"
HOUSE: *squints* I’m a cross between… caring and brusque here… It sounds so not like me.
WILSON: You did let her down nicely once.
HOUSE: It was a date. I had to let her down nicely then. Date rules.
WILSON: You never follow rules.
HOUSE: I know. I put out on the first date with you.
FOREMAN: Too. Much. Information.
She looked at him sadly. "What does Dr. Wilson have that I don't?"
HOUSE: *grabs Wilson’s crotch* I think I have the answer to that right here.
FOREMAN: See? I told you they get worse!
HOUSE: *doesn’t move hand*
House raised an eyebrow and she blushed, and had to laugh a little. "Well, besides ~that~," she said.
FOREMAN: That comma has to be transplanted. From blushed to eyebrow.
HOUSE: Hey, look, fic!me had the same reaction!
WILSON: *moans* House, your hand.
HOUSE: Oh, right, sorry. *opens Wilson’s pants, sticks hand in, moves* Better?
EVERYONE ELSE: *is nauseated*
He thought about it for a minute. "James is a three time loser with women, and I know it and I know why. I accept him, warts and all, and he does the same for me. He won't try to change me, at least not obviously," he rolled his eyes when he thought about the dinner with his folks and everyone who'd been invited, "And if he tries, I know it's because he loves me," he shrugged uncomfortably. He hated having his emotions laid out like a three day old dead fish.
HOUSE: Why am I bothering to explain all this to Cameron? And what does a dead fish have to do with this?
WILSON: I dunno. You never said anything like that to me.
HOUSE: You are far too lucid for someone receiving a handjob. *redoubles efforts*
Cameron smiled and shook her head. "You'd be lost without him," she said softly, and suddenly it didn't hurt quite so much anymore.
THIRTEEN: *in a strained voice* Look! It’s magic! It’s the odd world fanbrat inhabits! Knowing that the person you have a crush on is happy automatically makes you feel better.
"Well damn, I could've said that and shortened the entire conversation," House grumbled.
Chase poked his head in. "I've found a case." They heard Foreman complain loudly that he'd been there too, "Sorry, ~we've found a case," the blonde doctor said with a grin.
FOREMAN: See, they notice that! They never call me the black-haired doctor.
HOUSE: It’s one word extra.
FOREMAN: *scowls*
House sighed with relief and pushed to his feet. "Alright Cameron, up and at `em. Time to prove the bozo's wrong."
FOREMAN: Bozo’s? Ignoring the extra apostrophe, since when are we bozos?
TAUB: *helpful* There’s a missing comma too!
FOREMAN: *twitch* I was trying to ignore that.
_____________________________________________________________________
Dr. Cuddy looked at the paper in front of her, and then looked at the hospital board. "Okay, I think that's all for old business."
HOUSE: I knew there was a reason not to attend those. All they do is old business.
One of the board members, a crony of Vogler's held up a hand. "I have new business."
TAUB: Ooh, look at the missing comma!
FOREMAN: We can’t look at it! It’s not there.
"Go ahead."
"I want Dr. House fired on the grounds of moral turpitude."
Everyone gaped and Lisa groaned silently. "On what do you base your accusation?" she asked calmly.
HOUSE: Because, really, the list is endless. I’ve shrunken tumors -
FOREMAN: I think Wilson did the actual shrinking.
HOUSE: He was giving me a present. Anyway. I’ve accepted cars from mobsters, I’ve lied to the transplant committee, I’ve induced heart attacks, I’ve ignored patient wishes, dug up a cat -
FOREMAN: We did the actual digging.
HOUSE: Brought a termite into the OR…
TAUB: We get the point. We’re employed by a madman.
"Dr. House is in a homosexual relationship," the man said loudly.
THIRTEEN: Isn’t Wilson on the board?
HOUSE: Yes.
THIRTEEN: Then where is he?
HOUSE: Probably getting fucked by me.
"Oh please," the head of Surgery said. "I'll have you know that ever since House and Wilson took up together I've received at least 50 percent fewer complaints from nurses, residents ~and~ attending physicians, and our incoming donations have tripled. I say if it's not broke, don't fix it."
FOREMAN: head of Surgery? Since when is Surgery a capital and Head of Surgery isn’t?
TAUB: Missing comma?
HOUSE: Taub, we don’t actually need to use the Ativan.
Stacy's mouth had dropped open and she had a hectic red flush in her cheeks as she listened. Abruptly her mouth snapped shut and she cleared her throat. "Excuse me, but we have no legal standing to fire Dr. House."
HOUSE: Actually, they do, just not for screwing Wilson. Crazy works for me.
She blushed as everyone looked at her pityingly. "I've recently looked it up and we can not discriminate based on sexual orientation. If we did, then Dr. House could sue us, as could Dr. Wilson."
HOUSE: Of course, ignoring all of my other actions.
TAUB: We get it. You’re crazy. Stop telling us!
HOUSE: You saw what happens once you get hired by me. No one hires you ever again.
FOREMAN: *scowl*
Lisa breathed a silent sigh of relief. She hadn't known the hospital policy and wondered how Stacy had known to look it up.
THIRTEEN: This doesn’t say much about her as an administrator, does it? If she doesn’t know hospital policy?
"If that's settled?" Lisa asked brightly as she looked around. "Then we're adjourned."
HOUSE: It’s settled? That’s it? God, this is a summary.
KUTNER: Not quite. At least they included people talking.
HOUSE: Point. I’m guessing that the person’s never been to a meeting in her life.
FOREMAN: Okay, we’re taking a quick break. I don’t want to see that *gestures at House and Wilson* conclude.
*
A little later (Wilson and House are sitting in separate chairs without touching):
Stacy stood in the hallway and stared at her ex-husband.
HOUSE: It… did it just say ex-husband?
WILSON: Stacy was married before and you never told me?
HOUSE: I didn’t know!
He was in his office, working with his staff, while James sat and contributed. There was an easiness and affection that was now as clear as day. How did she not see this? She knew that James had cheated on his wives, had he cheated with Greg? Abruptly Greg's eyes met hers, and he stood straighter and said something to James, whose head snapped around to see her. Unable to stand there any longer, she fled to her office.
HOUSE: Fic!Stacy’s spineless. And I never cheated on her with anyone. Hm… *starts searching boxes*
FOREMAN: *patiently* What are you looking for?
HOUSE: My marriage certificate to Stacy. I thought we weren’t married, but…
It was the longest day of her life as she fought feelings of jealousy, despair, rage, regret and sadness. She was glad that no one bothered her, she wasn't sure how she'd react. It was almost five o'clock when someone knocked at her door.
FOREMAN: The comma and the…
HOUSE: Don’t care. I can’t find a marriage certificate.
WILSON: Why is she jealous? She left you.
HOUSE: Apparently, I’m still the One.
"Come in," she said as she shoved papers into her briefcase.
The door opened slowly, and Greg peeked around it. "Is it safe?"
HOUSE:… *blinks* I opened the door slowly? And peeked? And asked…
WILSON: It’s not you! It’s Greg.
"I'm not going to shoot you if that's what you mean," she snapped.
HOUSE: She’s just going to kill me with lethal amounts of sarcasm.
"Aw, you're pissy," House said as he limped in and sat down. He rested his hands on his cane and regarded her thoughtfully. "I'm sorry Stacy. I assumed that you'd heard already."
TAUB: I didn’t thinking assumption was your style.
HOUSE: I do usually wait until I have something to back it up.
"Did you cheat on me?" she blurted and wanted to take it back.
KUTNER: Why would she want to take it back? It’s a perfectly normal question. She wants to know if she should slap you.
A gentle expression settled over his face. "No, Stacy. I did not cheat on you. Not with James or anyone."
HOUSE: Gentle?
WILSON: You are with the people you love…
HOUSE: *sends Wilson a scathing look*
WILSON: *amends* At times… like post-coital.
HOUSE: You better hope that’s not why I’m gentle with Stacy now.
Stacy nodded, and then automatically closed her briefcase. "I miss you. I miss your zest for life and your intelligence," she looked up at him. "I'm sorry."
FOREMAN: Not all actions are speech!
TAUB: Why is she apologizing?
House knew she meant for his leg and for leaving him. "I think..." he began, "that it was for the best. We had a good marriage, and it's prepared me for what I have with Wilson. I'm trying harder because I have more to lose."
HOUSE: We had no marriage.
WILSON: Well, you know what they say. No marriage is good marriage.
She nodded and stood up, watching as he struggled slightly to get to his feet. "Are you happy?" she asked as he limped to the door.
He smiled. "As a clam."
HOUSE: Why are clams happy? They’re barely sentient life.
WILSON: Maybe that’s why they’re happy. Especially in this fic.
**
That night Wilson was laying on the couch, his back propped with pillows and House was against his chest as they watched wrestling. He could lean up and nuzzle to his hearts content, and was happy.
FOREMAN: Is the author trying to make up for all the missing commas by sticking some in randomly now?
They hadn't discussed what happened during the day, they'd both heard what happened during the board meeting, and James knew that Greg had gone to see Stacy. He was in no hurry; there was a peace about his lover that told him everything was okay.
FOREMAN: Oh my God. I need to cast that in bronze. A semi-colon in a bad!fic.
TAUB: A correctly used semi-colon.
FOREMAN: Take a picture so that no one doubts us!
Now all they had left was to tell his parents. Oy.
WILSON: *stretches* Well, glad that’s done with.
KUTNER: This… was disturbing.
HOUSE: *shrugs* Bad!fics can get much worse, actually.
KUTNER: I meant the… you know.
HOUSE: *plays stupid* No, I don’t.
KUTNER: *awkward stammering*
THIRTEEN: Oh, for God’s sake… He means the handjob!
WILSON: *eyesex*
HOUSE: *eyesex*
TAUB: No! No, no, no! This was not meant to prompt you two!
FOREMAN: *wearily* Leave it. If you protest, they get even more blatant just to piss you off. Really, unless you ignore it…
KUTNER: Apparently, ignoring it leads to a handjob.
FOREMAN: You didn’t ignore it.
HOUSE: Is no one annoyed that the author-person got this many details wrong?
FOREMAN: She probably just heard her friend talk about the show and wrote based on that. *shrugs* House, it’s bad!fic. It’s normal for bad!fic.
KUTNER: *gets up* I’m going to go find a case before House finds another bad!fic.
THIRTEEN: *gets up* I’ll help.
TAUB: *gets up* Me too!
FOREMAN: *looks at House and Wilson, who are still having eyesex* Er… I think I’ll help with that.
HOUSE & WILSON: Finally.
A/N: Right, forgot about this. Stupid me. The bit at the beginning, with the review and the response... it is an actual review/response to an actual story (NOT this one). Cris, my lovely wife, was telling me about it and I felt that it had a place in an MST (and then I forgot to credit, which is why I'm editing this now). I stop rambling.