(no subject)

[nemesis4590]

I think im going to be moving out of my house very soon. More than soon, sooner than I expected. Im not going to be starting my training until next week because of the damn hurricane. I fucking hate hurricanes, thats when I get all my shit together Im going to be signing up for the Army reserves. Yes, I know that sounds crazy and stupid, but its what I want to do, and I held back and that was a big mistake, people shouldnt do things for other people, because those other people turn out to be ungrateful and not worth it. Im still pretty peeved, but Im getting over it slowly. I have someone in my life now who is helping me with my problems, because she is as fucked up as I am... and I love it, because you have someone there who knows exactly what you are going through and is willing to be patient with you and not throw you away. I know when someone is getting tired of me and instead of wasting my time I should have ended it earlier. She is also willing to help me get over my public affection phobia... I dont do displays of affection in general... or in private or in public... i dont know... its weird, I feel bad and uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Also the smiling thing... I need help with that... because I NEVER smile, it takes a lot for me to smile, I dont like it.

Im happy now, I feel liberated... like a BIG weight has been lifted off my shoulder, I always felt frustrated and not fulfilled and now I know why. I think the whole arguing thing was rooted from the fact that I didnt love like I thought I did. My love was an illusion and ultimately a lie. I dont want to feel that way again. Im happier now and Im glad it all ended.