A new year, a bumper crop of spam
And oh, man, going through my icons to REMOVE all the holiday ones I added in, gaaaah....
So first up, the big new thing apparently is "I'm dying, dear Christian friend, please ease my last days". That translates to "I bet you're a sucker for this crap and will let me fleece you until your bones crack".
Sadly, some folks really are that stupid. I quote:
Dear friend
I'm not your friend.
I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, I came across your email contact from my personal search and I instructed the doctor here in this hospital to help me email you and I believe that you will be honest to fulfill my final wish before I will die.
Yeah, I'm shocked all to hell that your doctor helped you write seven million random strangers from your hospital bed.
I am Mrs. Susan Becknell, from Australia,
And okay, this is a first. This is a spammer playing not on the "I am from the small but incredibly rich country of Zamibia/Zaire/Nigeria/insert African country of choice", but on the fact that Australia will, somehow, feel culturally (or at least linguistically) closer. I can't say it's not going to work at all, but at least for me, it's deeply puzzling.
I am 68 years old, I am deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, which also affected my brain. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond the next two months; this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage.
So you're dying, we get that. But wait, the cancer got into your brain and made you email seven million people? And your doctor helped? Who the hell is your oncologist?
I was brought up in a motherless baby's home, and was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband and I are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he died in a fatal motor accident.
Yeah, and again, I could care less, because here's the thing--Christians who do not proclaim their faith so loudly? On average, decent people. There's bad ones and good ones in every bunch, but overall, they're okay.
"True Christians" who scream their faith from the rooftops, make sure correspondents, business associates, and even random passersby on the street know it? Generally either resentful bastards, or outright aggressive criminals in the making, and no, I'm not taking that back. If you have Christ on your stationery, your clothing, and you're holding a sign saying faggots will burn in hell on the weekend? Yeah. You're a lousy human being, Christian or not.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $3.8million dollars with a BANK in Ivory Coast.
And...why the hell did you do this?
Presently, this money is still in their custody, and the management just wrote me as the Legitimate beneficiary to come forward to receive the money after keeping it for so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over as a result of my illness, or they get it confiscated.
No bank in the known universe would do this.
Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live.
Again, wau is this heavy-handed. "I'm an orphan, I lost my husband, we had no children, I'm dying--please, if you love God, help me.". That is a lot of emotional buttons they're trying to press here.
It is my last wish to see that this money is invested in any organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, the poor and the motherless baby's home where I come from.
So not only "please help me" but "give the money to charity". They're now trying to fleece a specified type of sucker, here.
I want your good humanitarian,
Which one? There's rather a lot of humanitarians in America, though admittedly, less than there could be. Should I just pull a random one off the street?
to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option. I hope you will help see my last wishes come true. And i want you to please be sure that everything is handle perfect and legitimately.
Yeah, no, bite me.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in Ivory Coast. I will also issue you a letter of authority, which will prove that you are the new beneficiary of my funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hope to hear from you soonest I have to rest now till i hear from you. Am very tired.
I'm sure, what with the cancer in your brain that's stolen your ability to think and all.
Awaiting your reply
You'll never hear it.
Yours in Christ,
Could care less.
Mrs. Susan Becknell.
Who has apparently been kicking around, in one form or another, since 2009 at the least.
Amusingly, the next attempt was almost a blip in comparison:
Dearest One,
You know, you see this a lot in spam letters, and I suppose there are a lot of really, really lonely people out there who might respond to any hint of affection, even a spam one, but...seriously, they expect to rook people just by calling them "dear friend" or "dearest one" or "my loving friend in Christ"? Because the hell.
We are contacting you to be our Partner in investment projects in your country under your management and control with the Sum of (US$8,500,000.00 UNITED STATES DOLLARS ) we inherited from our Late Father while we continue my education which stopped due to the death of our father there in your country.
So, Dad died in the US, they're from wherever the hell they are (intriguingly unspecified), and they can't get the funds because "Steve" is still in school. Bwuh?
Due to our age, We cannot invest this money by ourself because we have no investment experience.
So they're either pretending to be really old (unlikely), or pretending to be underage. Still bwuh.
Please send us your details about your business
Yeah, cats will spontaneously light on fire and sing Handel's Messiah before that happens.
and contacts if you are interested
So hugely not.
and we will send to you a more detailed explanation.
Because this one was brief to the point of incoherency.
Yours Respectfully,
Translation: "Sucker..."
Steve and Elizabeth
Wait, Elizabeth?? Where'd Elizabeth come into this? The hell? Also, note the implications in this one, as brief as it is--that they're a brother/sister pair of underage Christians devoted to improving themselves, and with your help they'll do just that.
Pffff.
In other news...Rick Santorum barely won the Iowa caucus. Well, hell.
And yeah, at least for me, if he actually wins the official nomination? It won't be confirmation that I don't already know, but it will simply reinforce the concept that the hard-core group of insanely angry, bitter, vile old men who presume they're actually Republicans do, in fact, hate everyone in this country who isn't straight, white, Christian, male and rich. Bastards.
So first up, the big new thing apparently is "I'm dying, dear Christian friend, please ease my last days". That translates to "I bet you're a sucker for this crap and will let me fleece you until your bones crack".
Sadly, some folks really are that stupid. I quote:
Dear friend
I'm not your friend.
I know that this letter may be a very big surprise to you, I came across your email contact from my personal search and I instructed the doctor here in this hospital to help me email you and I believe that you will be honest to fulfill my final wish before I will die.
Yeah, I'm shocked all to hell that your doctor helped you write seven million random strangers from your hospital bed.
I am Mrs. Susan Becknell, from Australia,
And okay, this is a first. This is a spammer playing not on the "I am from the small but incredibly rich country of Zamibia/Zaire/Nigeria/insert African country of choice", but on the fact that Australia will, somehow, feel culturally (or at least linguistically) closer. I can't say it's not going to work at all, but at least for me, it's deeply puzzling.
I am 68 years old, I am deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, which also affected my brain. From all indication my condition is really deteriorating, and my doctors have courageously advised me that I may not live beyond the next two months; this is because the cancer stage has reached a critical stage.
So you're dying, we get that. But wait, the cancer got into your brain and made you email seven million people? And your doctor helped? Who the hell is your oncologist?
I was brought up in a motherless baby's home, and was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child. My husband and I are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he died in a fatal motor accident.
Yeah, and again, I could care less, because here's the thing--Christians who do not proclaim their faith so loudly? On average, decent people. There's bad ones and good ones in every bunch, but overall, they're okay.
"True Christians" who scream their faith from the rooftops, make sure correspondents, business associates, and even random passersby on the street know it? Generally either resentful bastards, or outright aggressive criminals in the making, and no, I'm not taking that back. If you have Christ on your stationery, your clothing, and you're holding a sign saying faggots will burn in hell on the weekend? Yeah. You're a lousy human being, Christian or not.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $3.8million dollars with a BANK in Ivory Coast.
And...why the hell did you do this?
Presently, this money is still in their custody, and the management just wrote me as the Legitimate beneficiary to come forward to receive the money after keeping it for so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over as a result of my illness, or they get it confiscated.
No bank in the known universe would do this.
Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live.
Again, wau is this heavy-handed. "I'm an orphan, I lost my husband, we had no children, I'm dying--please, if you love God, help me.". That is a lot of emotional buttons they're trying to press here.
It is my last wish to see that this money is invested in any organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, the poor and the motherless baby's home where I come from.
So not only "please help me" but "give the money to charity". They're now trying to fleece a specified type of sucker, here.
I want your good humanitarian,
Which one? There's rather a lot of humanitarians in America, though admittedly, less than there could be. Should I just pull a random one off the street?
to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around. I must let you know that this was a very hard decision, but I had to take a bold step towards this issue because I have no further option. I hope you will help see my last wishes come true. And i want you to please be sure that everything is handle perfect and legitimately.
Yeah, no, bite me.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in Ivory Coast. I will also issue you a letter of authority, which will prove that you are the new beneficiary of my funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hope to hear from you soonest I have to rest now till i hear from you. Am very tired.
I'm sure, what with the cancer in your brain that's stolen your ability to think and all.
Awaiting your reply
You'll never hear it.
Yours in Christ,
Could care less.
Mrs. Susan Becknell.
Who has apparently been kicking around, in one form or another, since 2009 at the least.
Amusingly, the next attempt was almost a blip in comparison:
Dearest One,
You know, you see this a lot in spam letters, and I suppose there are a lot of really, really lonely people out there who might respond to any hint of affection, even a spam one, but...seriously, they expect to rook people just by calling them "dear friend" or "dearest one" or "my loving friend in Christ"? Because the hell.
We are contacting you to be our Partner in investment projects in your country under your management and control with the Sum of (US$8,500,000.00 UNITED STATES DOLLARS ) we inherited from our Late Father while we continue my education which stopped due to the death of our father there in your country.
So, Dad died in the US, they're from wherever the hell they are (intriguingly unspecified), and they can't get the funds because "Steve" is still in school. Bwuh?
Due to our age, We cannot invest this money by ourself because we have no investment experience.
So they're either pretending to be really old (unlikely), or pretending to be underage. Still bwuh.
Please send us your details about your business
Yeah, cats will spontaneously light on fire and sing Handel's Messiah before that happens.
and contacts if you are interested
So hugely not.
and we will send to you a more detailed explanation.
Because this one was brief to the point of incoherency.
Yours Respectfully,
Translation: "Sucker..."
Steve and Elizabeth
Wait, Elizabeth?? Where'd Elizabeth come into this? The hell? Also, note the implications in this one, as brief as it is--that they're a brother/sister pair of underage Christians devoted to improving themselves, and with your help they'll do just that.
Pffff.
In other news...Rick Santorum barely won the Iowa caucus. Well, hell.
And yeah, at least for me, if he actually wins the official nomination? It won't be confirmation that I don't already know, but it will simply reinforce the concept that the hard-core group of insanely angry, bitter, vile old men who presume they're actually Republicans do, in fact, hate everyone in this country who isn't straight, white, Christian, male and rich. Bastards.