thirty-five

[nematoddity]

thirty-five

you hit thirty-five
and a bomb goes off in your head
reminding you suddenly
of everything you haven't dealt with yet
all your little flaws and problems
suddenly exposed
suddenly explosive
made real and dripping, vibrant
structures formed of pain

until thirty-five, I had people to help me
people to support me through any crisis
but I never knew
until thirty-five
that they were there
that they existed
I never knew
about the people in the back of my head
until they were gone

now I'm thirty-five
and the bomb has gone off
and I want, I need help
but they're all sleeping
all my other selves, all sleeping
and they may never wake up
they may never wake again
and I am left with
a sense of incompleteness
a sense that I should be able
to prod them to wakefulness
that I should have more to show for
knowing they're there
than a handful of broken memories
and some recollections of lost time

even my love in life
didn't fall in love with me
but with one of them instead

I want them back
--13 january 2003