(no subject)
Grrrrr....she's pretty special. I always fall for the same type. They're always so friendly. And its not necessarily with me. I don't know if i could take this rejection. I mean yeah she awesome, cute, smart, funny, spontaneous, motherly, kind, affectionate at times, and just swell. I wish she was mine. I'd be so fucking happy right now. I really really want the idea, not necessarily the physical. She's just what i need at this point in my life. Her and I could be pretty special together. This one isn't damaged property though. She's pretty well exactly what i could ask for. her personality is just phenomenal and yeah she's cute too. i think the world of her. and honestly i have for a while. i mean initially i thought she was just cute based on her pictures and shiznit but once i actually got to talking to her at school it became so much more. At first i wasn't sure i could see myself with her. I didn't know what the fuck to think. i mean i had no idea about her personality. It mighta been her southern charm. her accent kinda hit me, when she breaks out her accent that is. then i got to know her more. we talked a good bit. i never knew how she felt. no idea what the fuck to think. i guess now im still in that boat. but now i feel for her. I like her alot. and who could blame me. i mean... i could probably go on and on about how awesome she is. i played with her before, calling her hot like a million times with a million different variations, blowing up her ego. She told me she doesn't listen to people when they do that but i had her smiling and even laughing at times. I wanna see her like that all the time. she was having a bad day that night, lots a stupid crap with a friend... i want to make her happy. i don't want to have her worry at all about that. that should be my job. she makes me happy and i wanna do the same for her. thats all. i want that mutual feeling, that ideal that we're together, making things better for eachother in that special way. I miss having someone to call my own, and that can call me theirs. Those days are so far gone. I hate this feeling. It's a lil self-doubt coupled with self-pity. Like i feel that i won't ever be that way again. I was just getting used to being happy and single, or maybe that was just when i started talking to her more. i can't really tell. but either way i was 'technically' alone and i felt phenomenal. She had an effect on me, still does. I hope i can make her feel that way. Why get "He's Just Not That Into You" when you have someone right there at your heels wanting you to want him like he wants you. I'm into you. I would love to have you. As amazing as a friend she is... i still want more. And in the back of my mind i have those human thoughts... maybe it's me wanting what I can't have? Maybe she isn't going to want me back? Maybe there's another? Who knows? Things were easier at home. It was "will you be my girlfriend?" here it's "will you go on a date with me?" and then again and again. it's a lil scary and overwhelming. I'm not really feelin' that but whatever to make her see that I really really care for her. I wish i was home for that reason.