What I must to do
Title: What I must to do
Rating: General
Warning: None
Genre: Challenge’s reply:
Maglor: Why didn't you rescue Maedhros; why did the poor chap have to wait for cousin Fingon to go get him?
Ai Valar!
He should have known this would come sooner or later. No one had dared to ask him such a question for all the years he had been wandering Beleriand, nor in Mithrim, nor in the northern hills of the March, nor in Ossiriand -nor Maedhros!-, but he had read the same question within the eyes of so many people, his own kin. Maglor looked sidelong at the standing and expecting children next to him, while he feigned to be busy bending the bow to replace the broken string.
The question had been launched with all the innocence and curiosity that only children posses. Yet, those qualities might be more cruel than the Dark One’s poisoned darts. Maglor should have seen this coming, aye, for Elrond and Elros had started to learn of their history -Noldor’s History, that was; hardly they would have appointed a sinda to tutor them, for there were none at hand to teach them-.
They have grown so much, the singer reflected, and so quickly. You fool! For how long did you pretend to deceive yourself, thinking that they would never known of your deeds... of your misdeeds?. Ai Valar! At least Maitimo is not here, he would have taken it badly. He secured the string to the carved yet supple wood and pulsed it, and the fair sound echoed through the air as if he had played his harp while tuning it. Then, slowly, he lifted his eyes to meet theirs. The question laid there, still, and it demanded an answer.
Because I did what I must to do, children, what they expected of me to do. I needed to stay in Mithrim, to take care of my people, and to refrain my brothers, in my elder brother and lord’s stead. What else was I to do? I saw the King, Finwë, my grandfather, forsaking his people and a part of his family to come to Formenos, all for the sake of my father’s love, the King’s favourite son. And after I see the new King, Fëanáro, my father, to forsake his people, his own family and blood too, and he did it twice, for he hastily charged forward to fight the enemy, drunk in his own folly and self-confidence. And within the day Maitimo, Fëanáro’s heir, my beloved brother, headed to that meeting with the enemy, all caution and wisdom left, and was lost too.
So, what was I to do? To rival my sire and grandsire’s deeds, forsaking my people, leaving them at the hands of my impetuous brothers, all for the love I kept for my elder brother? What would they have done, but to repeat our father’s mistakes? What would have happened when Nolofinwë and his host arrived, had I not withdrawn to the southern shores of Mithrim? I stayed, and refused to come to terms with Moringotto to save Maitimo, and did not leave the camp to rescue him. I know, thus I doomed my own brother and sentenced him to a terrible torment, aye, but I knew I did as he expected I would. Eru knows, I tried to stop him, to make him change his mind, but Maitimo, I am afraid, had inherited our father’s self-confidence too, and he paid dearly for it.
Besides, I could not yield to Moringotto, for I took the Oath, and renewed my vow at Fëanaro’s demand, before he passed away there at the Ered Wethrin. You might think I am a coward. Aye, I feared to face the Black Enemy, but how many things did I fear and faced them the same? How many of my deeds did I regret but repeated them nonetheless? I feared him, aye, but even knowing that I would have failed to rescue him, I would have gone to rescue him or, most likely, to perish with him, since I would never have gathered the required strength of mind to cut off his hand as Findekáno did.
Maglor raised to his feet and managed a sad, weary smile. "Because I did what I must to do, children" he said. "Come, let us see if the bow is properly repaired." While Elrond and Elros ran before him to the archery grounds, the singer sighed.
But even knowing it, the pain and the guilt will never leave.