rants
I was sick this week, and I'm not sure if it was some bad cookie dough ice cream I ate or a 24-hour bug. But it was extremely unpleasant...I won't get into details because you really don't want to know.
To my fellow Massachusetts drivers: You suck. I’m guessing this is why I heard on the news recently that we were ranked the worst drivers in the U.S. Of course, that doesn’t include me (heh). Seriously, though, people. Come ON. You may as well just paint a giant bulls eye on your stupid car if you’re going to back out of that parking space without looking. By the way, nice dents, dings and scratches. Good to see you haven’t learned from experience at all, YOU FREAKIN’ MORON. You might also want to use your directionals and take a peek over that left shoulder before you change lanes, and actually, you know, STOP at the stoplights and stop signs. Just for fun. I think I heard someone once say, “Unless someone is going to die, there is no reason for you to drive like a maniac.” Well, Amen, brother.
I know I’m more than a little late to the party on this one, but here goes: Pig. 1. Sienna Miller looks like a beautiful girl and seemed happy to be with you, so what up, dawg? I mean, I know she was working and all but if you wanted someone to be at your beck and call all the time, why not hire a hooker? Surely, you can afford one like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." 2. If you are supposedly as handsome as everyone else but me (apparently) seems to think you are, why couldn’t you score with someone better than the nanny? 3. Are you both lazy and stupid? Because really, the nanny shows absolutely no imagination whatsoever. It’s as if you’ll jump into bed with whatever’s handy. If you’re insecure and miserable enough to cheat in the first place, you should at least move past the help on your express train to adultery, you stupid man-whore. 4. You should have picked someone who wouldn’t sell her story to the tabloids...duh! 5. You should also not expose your kids to your skanky love life. No kid needs to walk into Daddy’s bedroom and catch him with the nanny. By the way, I thought “Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow” totally stunk, much like you. Keep your pants zipped up, Poncho.
Ditto. Equally as disgusting. I don't really get why "normal" women marry professional athletes. I know they're rich and often handsome, but they also seem to cheat a heck of a lot more than your average Joe. I dunno. I hope the wife takes him to the cleaners, though. He's repulsive.
To the pregnant lady (with no other actual children with her) in Babies-R-Us a few weeks ago: When you walked into the bathroom and probably overheard the end of my hissyfit with my kids, let me give you some advice: Telling me that having kids tends to be messy did NOT HELP MY SITUATION. Shut up. Once you have two active children who wear you out day and night, fight with each other and you while you're trying to shop and then one of their sippy cups floods your diaper bag to the point you're leaving a trail of water in the middle of a store, then you come to me and tell me how you parented during such a stressful moment. I'm betting it won't be all butterflies and happiness because sometimes parenting is messy, too.
Now, I'm going to bed.
To my fellow Massachusetts drivers: You suck. I’m guessing this is why I heard on the news recently that we were ranked the worst drivers in the U.S. Of course, that doesn’t include me (heh). Seriously, though, people. Come ON. You may as well just paint a giant bulls eye on your stupid car if you’re going to back out of that parking space without looking. By the way, nice dents, dings and scratches. Good to see you haven’t learned from experience at all, YOU FREAKIN’ MORON. You might also want to use your directionals and take a peek over that left shoulder before you change lanes, and actually, you know, STOP at the stoplights and stop signs. Just for fun. I think I heard someone once say, “Unless someone is going to die, there is no reason for you to drive like a maniac.” Well, Amen, brother.
I know I’m more than a little late to the party on this one, but here goes: Pig. 1. Sienna Miller looks like a beautiful girl and seemed happy to be with you, so what up, dawg? I mean, I know she was working and all but if you wanted someone to be at your beck and call all the time, why not hire a hooker? Surely, you can afford one like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." 2. If you are supposedly as handsome as everyone else but me (apparently) seems to think you are, why couldn’t you score with someone better than the nanny? 3. Are you both lazy and stupid? Because really, the nanny shows absolutely no imagination whatsoever. It’s as if you’ll jump into bed with whatever’s handy. If you’re insecure and miserable enough to cheat in the first place, you should at least move past the help on your express train to adultery, you stupid man-whore. 4. You should have picked someone who wouldn’t sell her story to the tabloids...duh! 5. You should also not expose your kids to your skanky love life. No kid needs to walk into Daddy’s bedroom and catch him with the nanny. By the way, I thought “Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow” totally stunk, much like you. Keep your pants zipped up, Poncho.
Ditto. Equally as disgusting. I don't really get why "normal" women marry professional athletes. I know they're rich and often handsome, but they also seem to cheat a heck of a lot more than your average Joe. I dunno. I hope the wife takes him to the cleaners, though. He's repulsive.
To the pregnant lady (with no other actual children with her) in Babies-R-Us a few weeks ago: When you walked into the bathroom and probably overheard the end of my hissyfit with my kids, let me give you some advice: Telling me that having kids tends to be messy did NOT HELP MY SITUATION. Shut up. Once you have two active children who wear you out day and night, fight with each other and you while you're trying to shop and then one of their sippy cups floods your diaper bag to the point you're leaving a trail of water in the middle of a store, then you come to me and tell me how you parented during such a stressful moment. I'm betting it won't be all butterflies and happiness because sometimes parenting is messy, too.
Now, I'm going to bed.