(no subject)
I don't know what it is but I think I'm finally feeling beaten. It took a few years but this thing has really got me down lately. I don't feel like Margarita anymore, I don't know this person I'm becoming. It's something quite strange, just this last January I had everything I needed and over the last few months so many things have been taken away that I am left feeling very vulnerable. The fight in me is dwindling quickly, I used to be stronger than this, I used to be able to keep my spirits high, there used to be a need to live inside of me; now all I want is to curl up and wither away. I want sleep all the time, I don't have a desire to do any of the things I used to. Everything seems so meaningless.
These machines are sucking me dry. Just when I think they can't get anymore out of me, they do. What's left? Christ, I'm so sunken in I feel like a little girl again. A woman does not look like this, a woman does not feel like this, a woman knows what she is here for and what she needs to do; I don't have any of these things. I am reduced to tears so suddenly sometimes it's embarrassing; I haven't cried so much since I was little and afraid for my mother when my father came home drunk and angry. These halls are all I have, their white walls and drab paintings serving as more of a reminder of how depressing this all is. I know this will be the end of me and I can't help but thinking that any other death would be a more dignified one than this one: to be limp in a hospital gown in a cold room with strangers poking and prodding and an oxygen mask shooting cold air into your lungs, to know there is a world turning while you remain still here amongst these tubes and beeps, these god damn tiles, and for fucks sake, everyone deserves a decent shower.... shitting and pissing in front of these people, it's humiliating, it makes me feel like an animal. I'm on display and no one seems to think I should be effected by any of it. Maybe I shouldn't.
I have been putting things on the back burner. I think about her all the time, I miss her so much, and since May happened I feel as though I have put that behind me as though it never happened and have tried to move on. But it has only made things worse, I feel so far from her and I want to be closer. I haven't visited her grave, I haven't gone to see her family, I have not done anything but cry in secret and look at her picture and I can only hope she knows me as well as I think she does.... I hope she knows I do love her and it's just been so hard. I need to suck it up and face the truth, no matter how much it hurts. I never cracked before and I know it would sadden her to see me crack like this... it's pathetic.
I don't see a point to anything anymore. I want nothing more but to sleep the days away, to be unconscious of everything around me. Why does the world go on? This has been the worst year of my life. And I know that there will be so much more to come, and that makes me want to be done that much more. There are so many fucked up things that happen every day, I know I have it good compared to most of these other people. That's why I feel so juvenile feeling this way. I am a child again. I want to be young and healthy again. I am looking at my past through the eyes of an old woman; the best years are behind me. Where did I go?
These machines are sucking me dry. Just when I think they can't get anymore out of me, they do. What's left? Christ, I'm so sunken in I feel like a little girl again. A woman does not look like this, a woman does not feel like this, a woman knows what she is here for and what she needs to do; I don't have any of these things. I am reduced to tears so suddenly sometimes it's embarrassing; I haven't cried so much since I was little and afraid for my mother when my father came home drunk and angry. These halls are all I have, their white walls and drab paintings serving as more of a reminder of how depressing this all is. I know this will be the end of me and I can't help but thinking that any other death would be a more dignified one than this one: to be limp in a hospital gown in a cold room with strangers poking and prodding and an oxygen mask shooting cold air into your lungs, to know there is a world turning while you remain still here amongst these tubes and beeps, these god damn tiles, and for fucks sake, everyone deserves a decent shower.... shitting and pissing in front of these people, it's humiliating, it makes me feel like an animal. I'm on display and no one seems to think I should be effected by any of it. Maybe I shouldn't.
I have been putting things on the back burner. I think about her all the time, I miss her so much, and since May happened I feel as though I have put that behind me as though it never happened and have tried to move on. But it has only made things worse, I feel so far from her and I want to be closer. I haven't visited her grave, I haven't gone to see her family, I have not done anything but cry in secret and look at her picture and I can only hope she knows me as well as I think she does.... I hope she knows I do love her and it's just been so hard. I need to suck it up and face the truth, no matter how much it hurts. I never cracked before and I know it would sadden her to see me crack like this... it's pathetic.
I don't see a point to anything anymore. I want nothing more but to sleep the days away, to be unconscious of everything around me. Why does the world go on? This has been the worst year of my life. And I know that there will be so much more to come, and that makes me want to be done that much more. There are so many fucked up things that happen every day, I know I have it good compared to most of these other people. That's why I feel so juvenile feeling this way. I am a child again. I want to be young and healthy again. I am looking at my past through the eyes of an old woman; the best years are behind me. Where did I go?