Broken Mirror, a Million Shades of Light.
I truly do wonder, if great things lay ahead for me. Saturated in despair because of a life that was simply not fair, I can only imagine if I am meant for some higher purpose in life.
In the Bonabos culture, it is the lesser females of the clan the prove to be better mothers, because since they have less they are more protective of what they have. On the other side of the social construct, the higher females become horrid mothers who never have to worry about protecting their young because the entire clan does it for her. In this primitive society, the male offspring of lesser mothers are usually the better males, because they have experienced and had to deal with more. I can't help to compare myself to these creatures now.
A lowly person due to circumstance was placed into horrid position in the world; left to the cruelty of others to survive. The ascribed status of Mexican, who are commonly discriminated against with the views of them being lazy, dirty, and violent, combined with he situation of a poor family, and finally topped off with a single retarded parent. From this point of view, this child would seem to have a very grim future ahead of himself...
Still, as time progressed, tin the few accomplishments I gained, there was still a underline feeling of dread I have always faced, the feeling that I will fail and become this social stereo type. I hate it, which is as simple as I can put it. I hate it so much, that I reject my culture, and hide behind the social constructs I can find; all the while my emotions are fucked beyond belief to the point in which I may as well be a lost child who curls up in the middle of a field and cries in vain for help. I have attempted several times to channel this anger I feel, in many mediums.
Art, Writing, I have even made stabs at music, all of which are failures. I find the only thing that makes me feel better, is when I distract myself from the things that in actually, define who I am. Video Games… my ultimate escape from reality. In a game, I don't have to worry about escaping the view that I am trash, and having to prove to those around me that I am better than what my ascribed status says I am. In a game, I am a person who is usually respected, who has the power to shape and change the world around them... nothing at all like the world we live in.
And so I come back to my initial question, which was "is there something ahead for me?" Recently, a very close friend of mine has shown me, that people can do amazing things... but I still can't get past the circumstance surround their success. Am I really capable of such things? It is like I am traveling down a tunnel and every now and then I think I see a light, but am I hallucinating or is there really an end to the torment.
There is an end... but I am too much of a coward to take it. If I did take it, I am almost certain that nobody would care. In the end, it would seem my bitterness of the world was and has been directly shaped due to the world and society I live in. It is a world I do not enjoy living in, and the people who live in this brave new world are filled with prejudice and discontent for one another. They don't care about the ideal future like I do, they are too obsessed with their own petty lives filled with distracts that make life worth living for them. My last job taught me that all too well.
I have come to realize, that all people hate being bored, and the reason why is because when people are bored, they begin to think about themselves in a subjective view. Then they start to see how worthless they really are; simple numbers in a society that doesn’t care if they live or die. It was pointed out to me, that all people in the world have a value assigned to them. It usually only brought up in court cases, but a value is assigned to show how important a person is to the society. That in itself is proof that we are nothing more than gears is this massive clock, yet for some reason we as a society refuse to refine the clock to make it perfect. Of course the would involve the removal of free will, which to a lesser degree is already happening, but people are too stupid to realize it.
These thoughts are exactly what are consuming me now, and it makes me cry. I don't expect any of you to understand me, not even the ones who have known me for many years. The only one who has ever shown me any real comfort is now beyond me, and when I do see them I can't help the jealousy that swells up in inside of me. I think I am a horrid person, but unlike in the shows I watch, there is no magic wand to change me into a functional person. Am I hopeless?
I think I am done, done with this all. If even the people care most for don't appreciate me and the efforts I make to... then that in itself is proof that I have failed. I think it is time to see if I am still a coward.