The British and the Tea. Open Letter.
Dear Apocalypse,
Thank You for calling upon us today. We appreciate Your interest and would like to seize the opportunity to express our utmost gratitude for it on this doomed day. Please be assured that we will gladly provide You with our heartfelt support - You can count on our full and eager cooperation on the matter in hand.
However, please note, that, unfortunately, You have reached us during tea-time. Out of respect for our cultural and historical heritage as well as our traditions and customs we find it impossible to accept Your invitation at the present moment. We profoundly believe that the matter of trespassing into the World Beyond requires every ounce of dexterity and concentration one can master, and frankly we would not want to approach any honourable business with Yourself with anything less than sheer devotion. As our thoughts, however, are currently utterly fixed on the ancient traditions of tea consumption, imposed upon us by our glorious forebears, we find ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to decline Your kind offer. We, nevertheless, would like to encourage You to visit us again at a later point in time. Thank You for Your patience and understanding.
We apologise for any inconvenience caused and look forward to hearing from You in the near future.
Yours Faithfully,
Peoples of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the Commonwealth and Berwick-upon-Tweed.
PS. Please find enclosed the official schedule of tea-times on the territories in question.*
*Local and regional schedules may vary. For further information please consult authorities concerned.