Feeling of Indifference.
I sent another email today, making it a total of 4 now.
Looking back at the calendar, it hasn't been so many days actually. While difficult, I have only let myself fall apart on my own hands. Time is dragging itself because I'm letting it and my nightmares are only becoming of me due to my own insecurities.
I reversed the situation many times in my head, but often I am really forgetting myself or many things rather. I tend to do things always in extremist ways that others can't understand. Obsessive, excessive, a lot of questionable "qualities" that are rather suffocating. Given I have always known my personality and only accepted it will not change much, I am not prepared to drive myself to my own demise.
I know for sure, the person I am waiting for is a simple person. A lot of things are probably just in my head. While my situation is unrealistic to others, this is someone who has sincerely held my hand through many things. While I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt, often I'm rather a paranoid type of person anyway but there has never been in a day in the past where I could not trust this person. Sometimes I need to remind myself these things. If I was on the reverse end, I'd want to be trusted too... No matter what difficulties awaits me, no matter how absurd the situation is.. I have lived a life to know sometimes these ridiculous things that don't seem possible really can happen. Realistic situations don't always apply in life, at least in mine. Anything goes such as it has for the 25 years I've existed. I'm not exactly the best communicating type of person either. Often times I just drown in my own little sanctuary.
Even with the clouds of negativity inflicted by realistic thoughts by others... You have always been someone who told me I need to surround myself with more positive people in my life. It is difficult.. It is even painful.. when the only person I turned to is someone not here but not only that, someone that I'm not sure where they are. I had grown too used to depending on you but haven't you done the same with me? Perhaps due to our age difference, I am just not as strong as you.
I think to myself, if I was able to achieve my dreams that someday after decades of hard work and had it seeped through my fingers how would I feel? Would I have time or the mood to do any of the things that I fear you might consider right now? Probably not.
I forget these days, the person I knew best. The person who knew me best. No matter where you are, I know you're probably at your current home by yourself working very hard just as always. You said you will try your best to come back. How can I not believe someone who has always tried their best in life? Selfishlessly speaking, how can I even convince myself someone who's lived here for 20 years to be OK with having to leave all of a sudden? You told me to wait. I can wait. You said if I don't hear from you for a while, I shouldn't think you're ignoring me. "Don't you trust me?" I want to. I will trust you still.
What I'm really battling with right now is myself. My own self-doubt, insecurities, and fear. What was impossible to me many years ago, became possible. I am a simple person but I have always put up a front to be everything but simple. It was the most comforting moments in my life to finally live a normal life. To just simply spend time with a person that I care about doing rather boring things to some. I never changed all this time, merely because from day 1... I never felt the threat that I couldn't be myself. Therefore there was nothing to hide.
It is rare Takao, to meet someone who stays the same. You are very much right when you say that. One day, when you come back to New York... will you be the same person I've known all this time?
The most aggravating part of my personality is that I will possibility never change. No matter how people knock me down, no matter how I knock myself down. I know myself too well. I always feel so lost but it's because I overthink, not because I don't know who I am. The dimmer light becomes, the more I need to find a way to shine.
Right now, things are difficult but I will not throw away my memories of you due to my own nightmares and foolish thoughts.
Looking back at the calendar, it hasn't been so many days actually. While difficult, I have only let myself fall apart on my own hands. Time is dragging itself because I'm letting it and my nightmares are only becoming of me due to my own insecurities.
I reversed the situation many times in my head, but often I am really forgetting myself or many things rather. I tend to do things always in extremist ways that others can't understand. Obsessive, excessive, a lot of questionable "qualities" that are rather suffocating. Given I have always known my personality and only accepted it will not change much, I am not prepared to drive myself to my own demise.
I know for sure, the person I am waiting for is a simple person. A lot of things are probably just in my head. While my situation is unrealistic to others, this is someone who has sincerely held my hand through many things. While I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt, often I'm rather a paranoid type of person anyway but there has never been in a day in the past where I could not trust this person. Sometimes I need to remind myself these things. If I was on the reverse end, I'd want to be trusted too... No matter what difficulties awaits me, no matter how absurd the situation is.. I have lived a life to know sometimes these ridiculous things that don't seem possible really can happen. Realistic situations don't always apply in life, at least in mine. Anything goes such as it has for the 25 years I've existed. I'm not exactly the best communicating type of person either. Often times I just drown in my own little sanctuary.
Even with the clouds of negativity inflicted by realistic thoughts by others... You have always been someone who told me I need to surround myself with more positive people in my life. It is difficult.. It is even painful.. when the only person I turned to is someone not here but not only that, someone that I'm not sure where they are. I had grown too used to depending on you but haven't you done the same with me? Perhaps due to our age difference, I am just not as strong as you.
I think to myself, if I was able to achieve my dreams that someday after decades of hard work and had it seeped through my fingers how would I feel? Would I have time or the mood to do any of the things that I fear you might consider right now? Probably not.
I forget these days, the person I knew best. The person who knew me best. No matter where you are, I know you're probably at your current home by yourself working very hard just as always. You said you will try your best to come back. How can I not believe someone who has always tried their best in life? Selfishlessly speaking, how can I even convince myself someone who's lived here for 20 years to be OK with having to leave all of a sudden? You told me to wait. I can wait. You said if I don't hear from you for a while, I shouldn't think you're ignoring me. "Don't you trust me?" I want to. I will trust you still.
What I'm really battling with right now is myself. My own self-doubt, insecurities, and fear. What was impossible to me many years ago, became possible. I am a simple person but I have always put up a front to be everything but simple. It was the most comforting moments in my life to finally live a normal life. To just simply spend time with a person that I care about doing rather boring things to some. I never changed all this time, merely because from day 1... I never felt the threat that I couldn't be myself. Therefore there was nothing to hide.
It is rare Takao, to meet someone who stays the same. You are very much right when you say that. One day, when you come back to New York... will you be the same person I've known all this time?
The most aggravating part of my personality is that I will possibility never change. No matter how people knock me down, no matter how I knock myself down. I know myself too well. I always feel so lost but it's because I overthink, not because I don't know who I am. The dimmer light becomes, the more I need to find a way to shine.
Right now, things are difficult but I will not throw away my memories of you due to my own nightmares and foolish thoughts.