&& and it feels like drowning ...
I'm not really sure why I work hard at all anymore - to help my family or to get to the point where I can leave them behind.
Maybe both.
It's really funny to think about how I didn't even want to graduate this year, but here I am embarssing myself through interviews every day while studying for my exams next week. Here I am trying to find a job so I can start helping by paying off my FATHER'S DEBT, while showing my mom she doesn't NEED TO work 7 days a week (but does so anyway). Here I am trying to lessen the FAMILY TENSION that my brother loves to bring along with him whenever he does decide to show his face to anyone. But what's everybody else doing? Talking.
My dad doubts me, even though THE MOMENT I got my first job at IBM, I made due on my promise to help pay for bills. Which I VOLUNTEERED to do. FOR 16 MONTHS. Why not longer dad? I dunno, maybe cause IT WAS AN INTERNSHIP. My sister and brother get jobs, but they pay for maybe 2 months... then get pissed at you whenever you bring it up again. They went back on their promise to make sure my mom doesn't have to work 12 hours a day all week, they went back on their promise to help lesson the overall load on my parents... THEY DID. NOT ME.
Sigh. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
Maybe except being tired of envying how other families look. I mean, everybody's got their problems, but it's hard not to be jealous of the kids who can spend time with their entire family, you know? Especially because my family lives together, but no one cares or wants that kind of connection anymore. It's all a dream, and they all keep talking about the dream, but no one does anything. My parents haven't made time for our family to do anything together since I was maybe 17. I've taken their blame for Kevin turning out the way he is. Yet I'm included in the selfish category. Even though I have done everything they've asked. I've helped. I paid. I've taken the blame. I've taken the riddicule and the doubt. I've changed MY PLANS to help. I never did it for thanks or praise, but it's so fucking frustrating to be treated like I've done nothing and will continue to do nothing. I didn't need to. I could've been selfish. I still could be. But I haven't and I won't.
I'm so tired of it all... but don't worry dad. Once I get a job, you can be sure I'll be keeping my end of the promise while you continue to pray for 3 hours a day and sink our family deeper into debt. Maybe then in your eyes my "karma" will be better.
Maybe both.
It's really funny to think about how I didn't even want to graduate this year, but here I am embarssing myself through interviews every day while studying for my exams next week. Here I am trying to find a job so I can start helping by paying off my FATHER'S DEBT, while showing my mom she doesn't NEED TO work 7 days a week (but does so anyway). Here I am trying to lessen the FAMILY TENSION that my brother loves to bring along with him whenever he does decide to show his face to anyone. But what's everybody else doing? Talking.
My dad doubts me, even though THE MOMENT I got my first job at IBM, I made due on my promise to help pay for bills. Which I VOLUNTEERED to do. FOR 16 MONTHS. Why not longer dad? I dunno, maybe cause IT WAS AN INTERNSHIP. My sister and brother get jobs, but they pay for maybe 2 months... then get pissed at you whenever you bring it up again. They went back on their promise to make sure my mom doesn't have to work 12 hours a day all week, they went back on their promise to help lesson the overall load on my parents... THEY DID. NOT ME.
Sigh. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
Maybe except being tired of envying how other families look. I mean, everybody's got their problems, but it's hard not to be jealous of the kids who can spend time with their entire family, you know? Especially because my family lives together, but no one cares or wants that kind of connection anymore. It's all a dream, and they all keep talking about the dream, but no one does anything. My parents haven't made time for our family to do anything together since I was maybe 17. I've taken their blame for Kevin turning out the way he is. Yet I'm included in the selfish category. Even though I have done everything they've asked. I've helped. I paid. I've taken the blame. I've taken the riddicule and the doubt. I've changed MY PLANS to help. I never did it for thanks or praise, but it's so fucking frustrating to be treated like I've done nothing and will continue to do nothing. I didn't need to. I could've been selfish. I still could be. But I haven't and I won't.
I'm so tired of it all... but don't worry dad. Once I get a job, you can be sure I'll be keeping my end of the promise while you continue to pray for 3 hours a day and sink our family deeper into debt. Maybe then in your eyes my "karma" will be better.