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[nekowafer]

Jeff and I are taking a "break". I am so completely lost without him. I've apparently made a lot of mistakes that I didn't even see.. and I no longer get the chance to fix them. I don't even know what to do with myself, this will be the first day in over three years that I'm not allowed to speak to him. The worst part was waking up after a good

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[bearspirit]

:sigh:
Guys fucking suck, I'm not even going to try and deny it at this point. Letting him do stuff with guys is VERY generous on your part. Pedro deated that option with me and girls and has flip flipped on it, though after the Sarah relation, I'm not doing it. It is not fucking cool at all for him to tell other girls things. It takes a lot of guts for you to admit your attraction to your friend. I really admire you for it. You are far from an awful person.

My ex Matt was a bit abusive. The same Sarah asked if one time she could kiss me to 'test her sexuality.' I told Matt about it and he dug his nail so hard into my hand that it punctured the skin and left me with a nice little mark. He also called me a slut and a whore. Needless to say, some guys cant take their gf being attracted to others, but its totally chill if they are. It's not fair and its simply ridiculous.

I'm a needy person too. I can relate on that front. I think my biggest problem with Pedro is that my needs are far from met. I think you can relate to this with Jeff. Its not fair to ignore a problem either. I know we just become friends on here, but I think you are a really sweet, amazing person.Maybe we need to ditch the guys and run off together LMAO <3

[nekowafer]

The only problem I have with him having sex with other people is that I'm worried he'd leave me for them. If I knew he could be completely honest with me and never leave me for them, we would have an open relationship. And, for awhile, I wasn't jealous at all.. I didn't worry about him cheating or lying, and I was working my way to trusting him enough to have an open relationship. And then he lied, and then I found out about it. Now I can barely trust him on the little things.

Sometimes abuse victims, of any type, rationalize the abuse by thinking that they deserve it. It can be subconciously or not, but it's often there. This leads those victims to choose people that give them what they think they deserve.. if you don't think you deserve a good person, you're less likely to look for those good qualities, you know? It may not be a concious decision but any past abuse will change your mindset one way or another.

Which is why we end up with abusive boyfriends or friends over and over again. Realizing it is the first step to fixing the problem but even then, it's just difficult. It's why our needs are not met. Sometimes these people can grow, and learn to change, if it's what they really want.. which I think Jeff is capable of doing. I don't know if he wants it, but we'll see. Pedro I'm not so sure about.

Blah. And if I didn't know that girls are just as crazy but in different ways I'd go lesbian! I've dated two girls and they had their own unique type of crazy, hah!

[bearspirit]

Sorry this took a few days to get back to, it was pretty much hidden in my email >_<

I totally understand your worry and its pretty awsome that you are trusting to let him do it period. Im such an insecure person, that after being cheated on, I'm not sure if I could do it. Plus, I'm wicked jealous, I wont even lie. I can totally relate to the lying and the not being able to trust the little things. It hurts and it makes me feel like banging my head against the wall.

My dad was emotionally abusive for most of my life. He's addicted to percocet/morphine/etc. It sometimes got physical. My ex Matt, who will be in my latest livejournal entries was also pretty abusive. His loving nickname for me was loser and stuff. I never felt good enough for him.

A lot of my friends and boyfriends have been mean or abusive. I'm getting better at choosing. Pedro has never once been abusive in any way, neglectful though >_< I'm really starting to believe Pedro is not capable of changing and it really hurts. I'm at my wits end with him and I hate throwing away our relationship.

LMAO Are you bi? I consider myself bi but I figured it out while with Matt, who tweaked the fuck out even though he is bi. I kind of rebounded/got with Pedro quickly, so I never got to experiment. My next relationship is definitely going to be va jay jay haha

What were the crazies like?

PS.ARE YOU ON GAIA?! haha I just saw your profile but I wasnt sure if it was the site or the band thing

[nekowafer]

I'm jealous too but I was excited by the fact that maybe I was getting over it.. apparently not. Oh well.

Neglect can be a form of abuse, just because it's not direct doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. For most of my life I was ignored, I had to find a way to trick my dad into checking my temp if I was sick, nobody would believe me otherwise. Everything I told my mom she assumed was a lie, just to get attention. Both of them are still that way, even when I'm an adult and I have much better ways to get attention. And things that happened to us as kids are always going to affect us, no matter how hard we try to ignore them.

I do consider myself bi, but it's been a long time since I've been with a girl. Dated two, was otherwise involved with 1 other, had crushes on like 5, haha. One girlfriend refused to understand that I loved her and cared for her, just ignored anything I said. After awhile I stopped being able to say it, it hurt too much. The other ignored me in public. She was embarrassed about dating a girl and I wasn't even allowed to talk to her in front of other people. Experimenting would be good for you, have some fun and be free and single for awhile before jumping into another relationship!

I am on Gaia, but it's been a long time since I logged on. I signed up in the first year or two they existed and had a lot of fun, now I don't have time for it anymore, heh.

[bearspirit]

Jealousy is a bitch to get over. I hate it since Pedro and Matt both are attractive, I see girls AND guys checking them out. It always made me feel shitty and proud. However, once girls got too close, my horns came out and bitch mode started. A few months ago, I tweaked the fuck out because Pedro's ex had been messaging him. On top of it being sketchy, she also said "your girl is pretty LOL" and I was like "Okay, ugly skunt" lmao.
I can relate on the parent shit. My mom didnt realize anything until I was 14 and then it kind of clicked when I had a breakdown. My dad always assumed the worst of me, always wanted me to fit into a special little mold that was too unrealistic.
I am so sorry you had to deal with parents like that. Parents make such a difference in being a happy/sad good/bad person. Im so terrified to have a kid of my own and to make mistakes.
I jumped so quickly from Matt to Pedro that if I am single, I need to take sometime. I want to meet some cute girls, make out and see how it fits for me. I know I'm attracted to girls, I just dont know how I am dating/in relationships with them.
My Gaia is Minapix. IF YOU DONT GO ON AND HAVE ANY OLD MONTHLYS, YOU SHOULD HOOK ME UP! ;] Lmao. I've bought a lot of the old ass shit, but its hard to. Pedro is a gaia obsessed douche haha.The old monthlys are pretty badass. I'm dying to get an angelic pendant >_>

Love <3

[nekowafer]

The kind of crappy thing is that few women stare at Jeff. They should, he's super hot, but cause he has a little belly he's ignored. Good on one hand, bad on the other. However, he stares at EVERY SINGLE ASS that goes by him. Also most boobs. It pisses me off. He can do it all the time that we're not together and I won't know or care, but he has to do it when I'm with him too? Ugh. And the girl he flirted like crazy with online is SO UGLY. I don't consider myself particularly attractive but he even calls her horse face! Not to her horse face, of course, haha, but to me.

As for the parent thing.. I have so much baggage from those assoles, I really wish I could never speak to them again. -_-

And as for Gaia, I used to have those cute nitemare wings but someone hacked my account for them.. and tried to explain it like he really needed the gold, psh. I have a nitemare corset but I like it too much! Otherwise I have like 15 things total.. cute gothy stuff and a cool bear-trap mouth!