Got worse, got better
Goals of the Week:
- Papercut... something
- Party hard with my brother for his 21st birthday
- Photograph finished sewing circle items
Progress on Last Week's Goals:
- Finishing something for Sewing Circle - Finished. Made an elephant plush toy.
- Finishing the Doctor Who scarf - Finished. Delighted to say it turned out better than I could have hoped.
- Photograph finished sewing circle items - Didn't finish due to bad weather and bad lighting.
What has been happening to me?
I was pretty depressed for the past week. It hasn't been anything new, but really it was more that there hasn't been anything new. My extended family has been pestering me about why I haven't gotten my "real job" yet. They fail to understand that A: the entire California education system is automated and done on computers, so there's no "pavement" to "pound," B: full time positions are NOT AVAILABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR, and C: I have been rejected or flat out ignored from every job listing I've applied for, though there have been many. Every time I see my family, they offer me really, really, REALLY stupid advice, and then when I explain to them why their suggestions literally do not work, they get mad at me because they "were only trying to help."
You know what would help? Not being constantly pestered about why I can't get a job in a state where we have a negative budget for education. Especially when my whole extended family voted against the measure that was meant to allow for more teaching jobs.
This, coupled with the Ziggy issues (no luck so far in his job search), the fact that his mother is now constantly emailing me "jobs" (which are just early childcare daycares so I can't even apply to them?!?), a general irritation at the direction my life is going right now, and minimal hours at work meant that I was feeling pretty low. I was a little worried because since I got on the birth control I haven't been that sort of "really-sad-borderline-depression" that was ruling my life earlier, so I was afraid it was coming back. But now it's gone. Good riddance to bad garbage.
What have I been thinking about?
A lot of meditating on the things that have been making me sad. Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing enough to make myself happy, or that I'm pursuing the wrong things. Being happy is complicated, and I don't think I always know how to do it. I want to be a teacher, but chasing that dream has made me so depressed. But teaching makes me so happy. So if I succeed, will it have been worth all this pain and frustration? I hope so.
What have I been feeling?
At the moment, EXHAUSTED. I had food poisoning last night, I didn't get any sleep. Other than that, frustrated. Would really love for everything to be easy, but I guess we can't all get our way.
Any last thoughts?
I don't always make good decisions, but at least I can make my own. I just want people to respect that.
- Papercut... something
- Party hard with my brother for his 21st birthday
- Photograph finished sewing circle items
Progress on Last Week's Goals:
- Finishing something for Sewing Circle - Finished. Made an elephant plush toy.
- Finishing the Doctor Who scarf - Finished. Delighted to say it turned out better than I could have hoped.
- Photograph finished sewing circle items - Didn't finish due to bad weather and bad lighting.
What has been happening to me?
I was pretty depressed for the past week. It hasn't been anything new, but really it was more that there hasn't been anything new. My extended family has been pestering me about why I haven't gotten my "real job" yet. They fail to understand that A: the entire California education system is automated and done on computers, so there's no "pavement" to "pound," B: full time positions are NOT AVAILABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR, and C: I have been rejected or flat out ignored from every job listing I've applied for, though there have been many. Every time I see my family, they offer me really, really, REALLY stupid advice, and then when I explain to them why their suggestions literally do not work, they get mad at me because they "were only trying to help."
You know what would help? Not being constantly pestered about why I can't get a job in a state where we have a negative budget for education. Especially when my whole extended family voted against the measure that was meant to allow for more teaching jobs.
This, coupled with the Ziggy issues (no luck so far in his job search), the fact that his mother is now constantly emailing me "jobs" (which are just early childcare daycares so I can't even apply to them?!?), a general irritation at the direction my life is going right now, and minimal hours at work meant that I was feeling pretty low. I was a little worried because since I got on the birth control I haven't been that sort of "really-sad-borderline-depression" that was ruling my life earlier, so I was afraid it was coming back. But now it's gone. Good riddance to bad garbage.
What have I been thinking about?
A lot of meditating on the things that have been making me sad. Sometimes I worry that I'm not doing enough to make myself happy, or that I'm pursuing the wrong things. Being happy is complicated, and I don't think I always know how to do it. I want to be a teacher, but chasing that dream has made me so depressed. But teaching makes me so happy. So if I succeed, will it have been worth all this pain and frustration? I hope so.
What have I been feeling?
At the moment, EXHAUSTED. I had food poisoning last night, I didn't get any sleep. Other than that, frustrated. Would really love for everything to be easy, but I guess we can't all get our way.
Any last thoughts?
I don't always make good decisions, but at least I can make my own. I just want people to respect that.