An actual journal about my life
It has occurred to me that I have primarily been using the internet to talk about Murder Mystery bullshit and directly communicating with people. There hasn't been much in the "life is lifey" category except for occasional outbursts on twitter. I figured I was overdue for a life-status update.
[Topic #1: I got a Job]
Topic #1: I got a Job.
I got a job at Joann's Fabrics and Crafts, which has been super lovely. I was front-loaded with a lot of work, but honestly all the retail lingo came back really quick (I can't believe it's been two years since I lost Borders). The registers are WAY easier to understand, and the clientele is super nice. My coworkers are all kinds of welcoming too. It's nice to feel like everyone wants to be helpful and supportive, even when you're making mistakes. I loved Borders, but I rarely felt that way after my second manager left (and even less so when my friends Katie and Jessie left).
As much as I completely love this job, I am trying my best not to get too attached. I was warned ahead of time that it was most likely going to be seasonal, and after meeting all the staff I can see that they're well prepared for the regular year. The odds are very good I will lose the job at the end of January. As sad as that will be, at least I will be able to put an active phone number for a former employer on job applications.
[Topic #2 Health, Restless, and Depression]
Topic #2: Health, Restlessness, and Depression.
I think anyone with eyes can see that I've been heading towards the deep end in terms of healthy emotions. It's been getting better. Part of it has been that after years of asking, my mother finally allowed me to get on birth control to regulate my hormones (it's complicated, she controls my health insurance). The laundry list of reasons why I needed to be on birth control was EXTENSIVE, from extreme cramps that prevented me from walking, to hormonal fluctuation that dropped me really close to suicidal, to my entire diet having to be adjusted around what stage of my menstrual cycle I was in. Pretty much the only thing I DIDN'T need was actual BIRTH control. But my mom threw a big stink about it for years until I started to lose control of some bodily functions during a lecture I was giving. Then she finally got it, and I was able to go on the pill.
It's helping IMMENSELY. I don't find myself staring at the wall thinking about dark things, and I barely have any discomfort at all. It's no longer stopping me from having a normal work schedule, and I don't have to plan around the fear that I may lose control of bodily functions at random. Honestly it's just nice to feel like I can trust my body, and that it's not trying to betray me at any given moment. I feel better, much better than I've felt physically in years. Mentally still needs a little work, but it's still much better than where I was.
I get restless. I am not an idle person. I rarely like to just waste time. Even my time spent on the internet is usually multitasking three or four different things at once. I am not a browser, and I am not a waiter. I learned this when I took the six months off of school in between my graduation and my acceptance into the credential program. Those six months were the worst decision I ever made. The reason for this is simple: if I give myself time to stop and think, I over think. When I over think, I get upset. Yes I do think things through no matter what I'm doing, but it's that extra time spent over-analyzing something that will drive me over the edge. That's where the creeping doubts come in. There is no room in my life for those creeping doubts when I'm busy.
The new job is helping with that. There's very little time for idle hands, and when I'm at home not working I try to fill up the time with knitting or catching up on Murder Mystery business. It's making a huge difference as well. Really now the only trouble I'm having is with sleeping, but I know that's because I'm still adjusting to the job and it's penchant to give me alternating days of morning and night schedules. I still have a ways to go in terms of getting back to the place I was emotionally a year ago or even further, but it's getting better. One day at a time.
[Topic #3: My Relationship with Ziggy]
Topic #3: My Relationship with Ziggy
One of my closest friends is getting married. This is putting a weird strain on my relationship with Ziggy that I had no idea was going to be an issue. The first weird thing was that she invited him to be in the wedding, and he was dragging his feet about it. I kinda understand his position (he's not really that close to my friends so it was kinda weird that he was asked to begin with), but then it was starting to come out that he had never been to a wedding in his life, and he didn't want to mess something up. Okay. But then it was that he didn't think he could afford the tux, but then it was he didn't think he could come, and then it was, and then it was. I eventually told Katie just to kick him out. What it ultimately has come down to is he doesn't want to go to the wedding because he doesn't know my friends that well. Given that the fact that he doesn't know my friends that well is because he usually chooses not to spend time with them, I have a difficult time wrapping my head around it. Refusing to attend things is the reason this is a problem, so he's refusing to attend things. I don't even.
Meanwhile, we got in a small fight a few months ago about why I never spend time with his friends (the reason being was that at the time, he was hanging out with two sexist assholes that have since left his group of friends). So I was the bad guy because I felt like I was being antagonized by sexist douchebags, but he's the victim because making friends with my friends is too hard. We've sorted this out since then, but I am still working on him with this wedding deal. I know Katie will be absolutely devastated if he doesn't come, since she personally feels responsible for any argument he and I have about this wedding. Plus it will crush her fairy-tale outlook on my romantic relationships, which wouldn't be the end of the world but it would still make me feel bad.
The other weird thing we have discovered is... we don't really want to get married. Don't get me wrong. I still really love the big guy, and even though he has a severe phobia of spending time with my friends I don't really have any other problems with him. But as of this moment... being married just doesn't feel like something we need to do in the foreseeable future. I don't know if it's still personal things we need to work out, or if it's just how we personally feel about our relationship, or if it's some outside factor that's causing us to think this way. All I know is right now we see weddings as some crazy ritual that is a waste of time and money. For other people it isn't. For us it would be.
For me, if I have to think about another wedding thing, I might jump out the window. The bridesmaid dresses alone are stressing me the hell out. I can't imagine a full-fledged wedding. But we talked about it, and we both agreed that my family would never forgive me if I DIDN'T have a wedding. It's something we will have to reconcile eventually, but I don't need a wedding to validate how I feel. I know that nothing is forever, but I really do feel like Ziggy and I will make it. That's all I really need, and the people around me don't understand that. I tried confiding this in other people and they thought it was a sign that a breakup was eminent. I don't know. This is something I will continue to have to talk to him about as we get older and move away from the places we are now.
[Topic #4: Artistic Inspiration and Motivation]
Topic #4: Artistic Inspiration and Motivation
Art has been slow. But my hands have finally started moving again... in slow and confusing ways sometimes, but moving all the same. It feels like I'm coming out of a thaw, like there are muscles that have to be stretched before I can get back to work again.
I've broken ties temporarily with Jessica in regards to our long-term project Children of the Gods. I think it's better if we work alone for awhile. I'm not sure she totally understands why, but that doesn't matter. I didn't do it for her, absolutely nothing has changed on her end. I need to make things that aren't tied up with her. I need to develop myself as an individual writer, and an individual artist. I think that working with her for so long has been a lot more harm than good. We tend to stagnate and go around in circles. I think it's better if I do this alone. If I need help, then we can work together again. I am hoping to not need her help for a long time.
Depending on other people to fill in my weak spots has been a great harm to me as a storyteller. I don't know if I will ever recover from it. I know that cutting ties with her side of the project has left me pretty high and dry in terms of inspiration... and moral ground (I don't know yet if I'd feel comfortable moving on with the project without her). But I'm trying, and it's been slow.
I'm going back to character design. I'm going to finish what I started in terms of perfecting my main five (Gabriella, Raiko, Dia, Rory, and Watcher), and then I'm going to move on from there. I don't want to make money or be famous, which was always Jessica's underlying goal. I just have a story I want to tell, and I want to do it my way. If that means I am the only person that ever sees it, then so be it.
I'm back to working with paints, but it's devastatingly difficult. I didn't think I would ever forget how to use them, but there you go. They've been pushed into a backburner, and it's hard to get them to come to the surface. When I give myself time I can do it, but it's going to take awhile to really get back to where I was at the beginning of the year. Papercrafting hasn't suffered at all, thankfully. I haven't had any problem diving back into that. Knitting of course has been constant and consistent. I've been so thankful to have that to turn to in these times of artistic difficulty. It feels good to be making things, even if those things are not appreciated by people in my circle of friends. The charity hats have been especially rewarding, since I can churn them out and I know they're going somewhere that they'll be appreciated and useful.
I want to make stuff, which is the greatest improvement. The WANT is back. The MEANS is still shaky, but the desire is back. That really was my greatest fear when I started to break down in September. I really didn't want to lose something that has been an integral part of me for so long.
[Topic #5: General Future Job Prospects]
Topic #5: General Future Job Prospects
The teaching job market is looking pretty dismal here in California. I can't start looking for jobs until April at the earliest, but it is still not looking really good in terms of having a stable job next year. Trying not to be upset about it. At the very least, there won't be a $6 billion hole in the educational budget as was expected for the next school year, but it's still a little frustrating.
My hope is that the baby-boomer teachers are supposed to start retiring in the next year or so, so a ton of jobs should start opening up. The idea is to be diligent, and hope I find a hole I can squeeze into.
Right before I did my student teaching, I wasn't sure if this was THE job for me, but now that I'm past the student teaching I know that I want to teach for the rest of my life. The trick is having the self-confidence to handle the constant rejection, and the stamina to keep at it until I do land a job.
And that's it on my end!
[Topic #1: I got a Job]
Topic #1: I got a Job.
I got a job at Joann's Fabrics and Crafts, which has been super lovely. I was front-loaded with a lot of work, but honestly all the retail lingo came back really quick (I can't believe it's been two years since I lost Borders). The registers are WAY easier to understand, and the clientele is super nice. My coworkers are all kinds of welcoming too. It's nice to feel like everyone wants to be helpful and supportive, even when you're making mistakes. I loved Borders, but I rarely felt that way after my second manager left (and even less so when my friends Katie and Jessie left).
As much as I completely love this job, I am trying my best not to get too attached. I was warned ahead of time that it was most likely going to be seasonal, and after meeting all the staff I can see that they're well prepared for the regular year. The odds are very good I will lose the job at the end of January. As sad as that will be, at least I will be able to put an active phone number for a former employer on job applications.
[Topic #2 Health, Restless, and Depression]
Topic #2: Health, Restlessness, and Depression.
I think anyone with eyes can see that I've been heading towards the deep end in terms of healthy emotions. It's been getting better. Part of it has been that after years of asking, my mother finally allowed me to get on birth control to regulate my hormones (it's complicated, she controls my health insurance). The laundry list of reasons why I needed to be on birth control was EXTENSIVE, from extreme cramps that prevented me from walking, to hormonal fluctuation that dropped me really close to suicidal, to my entire diet having to be adjusted around what stage of my menstrual cycle I was in. Pretty much the only thing I DIDN'T need was actual BIRTH control. But my mom threw a big stink about it for years until I started to lose control of some bodily functions during a lecture I was giving. Then she finally got it, and I was able to go on the pill.
It's helping IMMENSELY. I don't find myself staring at the wall thinking about dark things, and I barely have any discomfort at all. It's no longer stopping me from having a normal work schedule, and I don't have to plan around the fear that I may lose control of bodily functions at random. Honestly it's just nice to feel like I can trust my body, and that it's not trying to betray me at any given moment. I feel better, much better than I've felt physically in years. Mentally still needs a little work, but it's still much better than where I was.
I get restless. I am not an idle person. I rarely like to just waste time. Even my time spent on the internet is usually multitasking three or four different things at once. I am not a browser, and I am not a waiter. I learned this when I took the six months off of school in between my graduation and my acceptance into the credential program. Those six months were the worst decision I ever made. The reason for this is simple: if I give myself time to stop and think, I over think. When I over think, I get upset. Yes I do think things through no matter what I'm doing, but it's that extra time spent over-analyzing something that will drive me over the edge. That's where the creeping doubts come in. There is no room in my life for those creeping doubts when I'm busy.
The new job is helping with that. There's very little time for idle hands, and when I'm at home not working I try to fill up the time with knitting or catching up on Murder Mystery business. It's making a huge difference as well. Really now the only trouble I'm having is with sleeping, but I know that's because I'm still adjusting to the job and it's penchant to give me alternating days of morning and night schedules. I still have a ways to go in terms of getting back to the place I was emotionally a year ago or even further, but it's getting better. One day at a time.
[Topic #3: My Relationship with Ziggy]
Topic #3: My Relationship with Ziggy
One of my closest friends is getting married. This is putting a weird strain on my relationship with Ziggy that I had no idea was going to be an issue. The first weird thing was that she invited him to be in the wedding, and he was dragging his feet about it. I kinda understand his position (he's not really that close to my friends so it was kinda weird that he was asked to begin with), but then it was starting to come out that he had never been to a wedding in his life, and he didn't want to mess something up. Okay. But then it was that he didn't think he could afford the tux, but then it was he didn't think he could come, and then it was, and then it was. I eventually told Katie just to kick him out. What it ultimately has come down to is he doesn't want to go to the wedding because he doesn't know my friends that well. Given that the fact that he doesn't know my friends that well is because he usually chooses not to spend time with them, I have a difficult time wrapping my head around it. Refusing to attend things is the reason this is a problem, so he's refusing to attend things. I don't even.
Meanwhile, we got in a small fight a few months ago about why I never spend time with his friends (the reason being was that at the time, he was hanging out with two sexist assholes that have since left his group of friends). So I was the bad guy because I felt like I was being antagonized by sexist douchebags, but he's the victim because making friends with my friends is too hard. We've sorted this out since then, but I am still working on him with this wedding deal. I know Katie will be absolutely devastated if he doesn't come, since she personally feels responsible for any argument he and I have about this wedding. Plus it will crush her fairy-tale outlook on my romantic relationships, which wouldn't be the end of the world but it would still make me feel bad.
The other weird thing we have discovered is... we don't really want to get married. Don't get me wrong. I still really love the big guy, and even though he has a severe phobia of spending time with my friends I don't really have any other problems with him. But as of this moment... being married just doesn't feel like something we need to do in the foreseeable future. I don't know if it's still personal things we need to work out, or if it's just how we personally feel about our relationship, or if it's some outside factor that's causing us to think this way. All I know is right now we see weddings as some crazy ritual that is a waste of time and money. For other people it isn't. For us it would be.
For me, if I have to think about another wedding thing, I might jump out the window. The bridesmaid dresses alone are stressing me the hell out. I can't imagine a full-fledged wedding. But we talked about it, and we both agreed that my family would never forgive me if I DIDN'T have a wedding. It's something we will have to reconcile eventually, but I don't need a wedding to validate how I feel. I know that nothing is forever, but I really do feel like Ziggy and I will make it. That's all I really need, and the people around me don't understand that. I tried confiding this in other people and they thought it was a sign that a breakup was eminent. I don't know. This is something I will continue to have to talk to him about as we get older and move away from the places we are now.
[Topic #4: Artistic Inspiration and Motivation]
Topic #4: Artistic Inspiration and Motivation
Art has been slow. But my hands have finally started moving again... in slow and confusing ways sometimes, but moving all the same. It feels like I'm coming out of a thaw, like there are muscles that have to be stretched before I can get back to work again.
I've broken ties temporarily with Jessica in regards to our long-term project Children of the Gods. I think it's better if we work alone for awhile. I'm not sure she totally understands why, but that doesn't matter. I didn't do it for her, absolutely nothing has changed on her end. I need to make things that aren't tied up with her. I need to develop myself as an individual writer, and an individual artist. I think that working with her for so long has been a lot more harm than good. We tend to stagnate and go around in circles. I think it's better if I do this alone. If I need help, then we can work together again. I am hoping to not need her help for a long time.
Depending on other people to fill in my weak spots has been a great harm to me as a storyteller. I don't know if I will ever recover from it. I know that cutting ties with her side of the project has left me pretty high and dry in terms of inspiration... and moral ground (I don't know yet if I'd feel comfortable moving on with the project without her). But I'm trying, and it's been slow.
I'm going back to character design. I'm going to finish what I started in terms of perfecting my main five (Gabriella, Raiko, Dia, Rory, and Watcher), and then I'm going to move on from there. I don't want to make money or be famous, which was always Jessica's underlying goal. I just have a story I want to tell, and I want to do it my way. If that means I am the only person that ever sees it, then so be it.
I'm back to working with paints, but it's devastatingly difficult. I didn't think I would ever forget how to use them, but there you go. They've been pushed into a backburner, and it's hard to get them to come to the surface. When I give myself time I can do it, but it's going to take awhile to really get back to where I was at the beginning of the year. Papercrafting hasn't suffered at all, thankfully. I haven't had any problem diving back into that. Knitting of course has been constant and consistent. I've been so thankful to have that to turn to in these times of artistic difficulty. It feels good to be making things, even if those things are not appreciated by people in my circle of friends. The charity hats have been especially rewarding, since I can churn them out and I know they're going somewhere that they'll be appreciated and useful.
I want to make stuff, which is the greatest improvement. The WANT is back. The MEANS is still shaky, but the desire is back. That really was my greatest fear when I started to break down in September. I really didn't want to lose something that has been an integral part of me for so long.
[Topic #5: General Future Job Prospects]
Topic #5: General Future Job Prospects
The teaching job market is looking pretty dismal here in California. I can't start looking for jobs until April at the earliest, but it is still not looking really good in terms of having a stable job next year. Trying not to be upset about it. At the very least, there won't be a $6 billion hole in the educational budget as was expected for the next school year, but it's still a little frustrating.
My hope is that the baby-boomer teachers are supposed to start retiring in the next year or so, so a ton of jobs should start opening up. The idea is to be diligent, and hope I find a hole I can squeeze into.
Right before I did my student teaching, I wasn't sure if this was THE job for me, but now that I'm past the student teaching I know that I want to teach for the rest of my life. The trick is having the self-confidence to handle the constant rejection, and the stamina to keep at it until I do land a job.
And that's it on my end!