Vacation recap
Oh woah LJ changed the rich text formatting bar? WHAT IS THIS NEW DEVILRY? WHY DOES SPELL CHECK NOT WORK IN THIS PLACE? THIS IS NO MAN'S LAND.
Anyway, a huge general life update. Haven't done something like this in awhile, so yeah.
Just got back from an unplugged 9-day-vacation. No internet. Almost no phone. Barely used my ipod. About the only thing I did have was TV, which I watched way too much of.
Vacation got off to a bit of a sad start, since we had Eric's funeral to attend. It was a nice service. Rough though. I saw my old friend Patrick, who Eric was really close to. He was a pall bearer (guy who carries the casket). I usually only get to see Pat on Christmas and Easter because we go to a different mass on those days then our usual time (his regular time). We always joke about stuff like "Oh, Patrick's here? It must be Christmas!" but when I saw him I kind of broke down because I was so happy to see him but so sad that I was seeing him. I wasn't supposed to be seeing him, and I kept sobbing out "We aren't supposed to be here, it's not Christmas." I also had a hard time with a bunch of my friends gathering... it felt like Eric was supposed to be there meeting us. Every time someone would show up I'd catch myself looking for him, only to remember that he wasn't coming. Still having trouble with that idea now.
Packed up and headed off to Newport. Didn't do a whole lot while I was there. I had friends down on a couple days, but it was mostly just me. I laid on the beach and did some reading (FINALLY making headway in House of Leaves! I'm so happy!). Got a teeny bit of writing done in the mornings before my family woke up (very little amounts that it's almost not worth mentioning except I haven't written anything in months). Knit two hats, at least one of which I need to get pictures of and put up on my Etsy because after it got off the needles I decided I didn't want it (which seems to be a reoccurring theme). Watched a LOT of cable television because I don't watch TV when I'm at home and so "I'm on vacation, I should do what I don't get to do normally" somehow translated into TV. Food Network, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel. Rinse and repeat.
Actually I have a question that's a little off topic... What the hell is going on with Cartoon Network? Like, I know everyone has criticized me because I didn't think Flapjack and Chowder were funny (or entertaining, or pleasing to look at), but at least they had their own style. The Amazing World of Gumball and Regular Show just felt like Adventure Time clones. And I really like Adventure Time, but I was kinda meh about Gumball and I really HATE Regular Show. Was I missing something there? I felt like I was missing something because it was not entertaining. On the other hand I finally got to see Phineas and Ferb (which my girl scouts love) and I kinda adore it. Really funny, I haven't laughed so much while watching a cartoon in a long time. Anyway, back on topic.
I did a few jigsaw puzzles and played dominoes with my family, took walks when I could, and just generally tried to relax. Unfortunately very little relaxing actually happened. I wasn't sleeping at night because of stress and exhaustion. I spent two of the days feeling sick, though I wasn't actually sick I was just so fatigued. I kept trying to empty my head and get into a state of calm, but my mind kept going back to student teaching or Eric. Both of which have a 50% chance of putting me into tears if left unchecked. By the time I was actually starting to get "comfortable" we were ready to go home. I can't complain though because the week was probably more relaxing then being at home ever would have been.
Yesterday mom took me out for a drive so I could "see where the campus was" even though I know where my school is having attended it for 5 years. Also I should mention that she has yet to let me drive by myself in the 2 months I've had my license. I was doing good until someone made an illegal left turn and almost hit us, and then I started to break down and have a panic attack (oh yay I so didn't miss that!). I felt like I couldn't breathe but I was also sobbing intermittently, so that was an interesting combination of alternating between choking and crying. Then my mom started yelling at me because I needed to stop crying and just drive like an adult, which of course only made me cry more. Fun times.
Anyway the long and short of it is at some point I was able to breathe again and I ended up screaming at her that everything is not okay anymore. You may remember that two of three months ago my mom suggested I go to therapy for anxiety, but then never again followed up on that promise to help me find one because I got my license and was therefore "okay" and not needing mental help. Weeeeell... she doesn't think that anymore. We're looking into seeing someone through Kaiser but if that doesn't work out I'm going to check out the mental health and wellness center that my school has (I was actually told today at orientation that I should familiarize myself with it because "the stress of student teaching will mess you up.") So there's all that.
I don't know if it's been a huge bottling of things or just the combination of all the stress and Eric's passing, but I have not been very composed these past few weeks. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel very anxious about everything, but when I'm not stressing out I feel listless and lifeless. I'd blame it on sadness, but I was falling apart before... I was just doing a better job of keeping it in. I feel really lost, and not just with my career path. There is just this weird disconnect I'm feeling (or... not feeling I guess?) between me and the rest of the world, like I'm not actually on the same planet. I feel out of touch with my family, I feel irrelevant to my friends. Sometimes when I'm talking to people I've been close to for years I feel like I'm a complete stranger to them, and I can't tell if it's just US growing apart or ME falling apart.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get in to see someone to talk about all this. On to better news.
Today was day one of orientation. Mom drove with me because now she thinks I'm a basket case and I should NEVER drive myself. I was anxious about today because I got a call from my adviser while I was on vacation, and I had been placed in a middle school even though I want to teach high school. She told me she would find me another school at my request, but as of today I hadn't heard back from her, and I was worried that no school was going to take me. I was so worried I almost threw up during Orientation. BUT it turned out to be totally normal, and most people probably won't be placed until NEXT week. Everyone will get a school within three weeks. So no worries there.
Orientation was mostly just the same stuff I've heard before. Be on time. Be professional. Wear appropriate clothing. Don't backsass your Master Teacher. And more of the same ilk. I had another freak out because we had a break and were supposed to reconvene with our method's teacher in 15 minutes, and I didn't know who mine was, and I tried to log into the school internet from my laptop and got LOCKED OUT (I guess they've changed something in the 8 months I was away. I have no idea how to get on or what I did wrong, but I can't get on while I'm at Fullerton so that sucks) and I had to guess which method's teacher was mine. Thankfully I guessed correctly. Also in a room of 250 people I was the only person who didn't know how to send a text message so that was interesting to learn.
Overall the initial anxiety about it has worn off. My method's teacher seems really nice, as does my content adviser. I was worried I was going to get this one lady who got up to speak, and she shouted everything she had to say. Just being around her was making me nervous, and I knew if I had her as my method's teacher this would be the worst year of my life... but it wasn't her, so dodged a bullet there! She was really knowledgeable but she had such an aggressive personality that I knew it wouldn't work out.
Anyway, that's all that's been going on in a nutshell. I have a desk full of ponies I'm working on customizing, which has been a lot of fun, and I also have two WIP paintings that I hope to work on when I get time. Plus two (TWO!) potential papercutting commissions waiting in my inbox! I'm just trying to take time for me whenever I can because clearly I have done some sort of harm to myself in the past couple of months. Trying to enjoy myself. This coming year is going to be hard, I know it is. But I can't lose myself. I have to stay focused and try and bring all these fragmented pieces of me back together. I know I can do this, I just need to try.
Hope everyone is doing well! Being unplugged is always nice, but I miss you guys when I don't have the ability to talk to you :) Everyone who requested Pokemon cards, I will hopefully be able to mail those to you guys soon, but I don't know exactly when that will be so we will see. I am going to put up the link on DA/FA to see if anyone else wants the remaining things.
Overall, getting back in the saddle. Hopefully I can keep everything up.
Anyway, a huge general life update. Haven't done something like this in awhile, so yeah.
Just got back from an unplugged 9-day-vacation. No internet. Almost no phone. Barely used my ipod. About the only thing I did have was TV, which I watched way too much of.
Vacation got off to a bit of a sad start, since we had Eric's funeral to attend. It was a nice service. Rough though. I saw my old friend Patrick, who Eric was really close to. He was a pall bearer (guy who carries the casket). I usually only get to see Pat on Christmas and Easter because we go to a different mass on those days then our usual time (his regular time). We always joke about stuff like "Oh, Patrick's here? It must be Christmas!" but when I saw him I kind of broke down because I was so happy to see him but so sad that I was seeing him. I wasn't supposed to be seeing him, and I kept sobbing out "We aren't supposed to be here, it's not Christmas." I also had a hard time with a bunch of my friends gathering... it felt like Eric was supposed to be there meeting us. Every time someone would show up I'd catch myself looking for him, only to remember that he wasn't coming. Still having trouble with that idea now.
Packed up and headed off to Newport. Didn't do a whole lot while I was there. I had friends down on a couple days, but it was mostly just me. I laid on the beach and did some reading (FINALLY making headway in House of Leaves! I'm so happy!). Got a teeny bit of writing done in the mornings before my family woke up (very little amounts that it's almost not worth mentioning except I haven't written anything in months). Knit two hats, at least one of which I need to get pictures of and put up on my Etsy because after it got off the needles I decided I didn't want it (which seems to be a reoccurring theme). Watched a LOT of cable television because I don't watch TV when I'm at home and so "I'm on vacation, I should do what I don't get to do normally" somehow translated into TV. Food Network, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel. Rinse and repeat.
Actually I have a question that's a little off topic... What the hell is going on with Cartoon Network? Like, I know everyone has criticized me because I didn't think Flapjack and Chowder were funny (or entertaining, or pleasing to look at), but at least they had their own style. The Amazing World of Gumball and Regular Show just felt like Adventure Time clones. And I really like Adventure Time, but I was kinda meh about Gumball and I really HATE Regular Show. Was I missing something there? I felt like I was missing something because it was not entertaining. On the other hand I finally got to see Phineas and Ferb (which my girl scouts love) and I kinda adore it. Really funny, I haven't laughed so much while watching a cartoon in a long time. Anyway, back on topic.
I did a few jigsaw puzzles and played dominoes with my family, took walks when I could, and just generally tried to relax. Unfortunately very little relaxing actually happened. I wasn't sleeping at night because of stress and exhaustion. I spent two of the days feeling sick, though I wasn't actually sick I was just so fatigued. I kept trying to empty my head and get into a state of calm, but my mind kept going back to student teaching or Eric. Both of which have a 50% chance of putting me into tears if left unchecked. By the time I was actually starting to get "comfortable" we were ready to go home. I can't complain though because the week was probably more relaxing then being at home ever would have been.
Yesterday mom took me out for a drive so I could "see where the campus was" even though I know where my school is having attended it for 5 years. Also I should mention that she has yet to let me drive by myself in the 2 months I've had my license. I was doing good until someone made an illegal left turn and almost hit us, and then I started to break down and have a panic attack (oh yay I so didn't miss that!). I felt like I couldn't breathe but I was also sobbing intermittently, so that was an interesting combination of alternating between choking and crying. Then my mom started yelling at me because I needed to stop crying and just drive like an adult, which of course only made me cry more. Fun times.
Anyway the long and short of it is at some point I was able to breathe again and I ended up screaming at her that everything is not okay anymore. You may remember that two of three months ago my mom suggested I go to therapy for anxiety, but then never again followed up on that promise to help me find one because I got my license and was therefore "okay" and not needing mental help. Weeeeell... she doesn't think that anymore. We're looking into seeing someone through Kaiser but if that doesn't work out I'm going to check out the mental health and wellness center that my school has (I was actually told today at orientation that I should familiarize myself with it because "the stress of student teaching will mess you up.") So there's all that.
I don't know if it's been a huge bottling of things or just the combination of all the stress and Eric's passing, but I have not been very composed these past few weeks. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel very anxious about everything, but when I'm not stressing out I feel listless and lifeless. I'd blame it on sadness, but I was falling apart before... I was just doing a better job of keeping it in. I feel really lost, and not just with my career path. There is just this weird disconnect I'm feeling (or... not feeling I guess?) between me and the rest of the world, like I'm not actually on the same planet. I feel out of touch with my family, I feel irrelevant to my friends. Sometimes when I'm talking to people I've been close to for years I feel like I'm a complete stranger to them, and I can't tell if it's just US growing apart or ME falling apart.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get in to see someone to talk about all this. On to better news.
Today was day one of orientation. Mom drove with me because now she thinks I'm a basket case and I should NEVER drive myself. I was anxious about today because I got a call from my adviser while I was on vacation, and I had been placed in a middle school even though I want to teach high school. She told me she would find me another school at my request, but as of today I hadn't heard back from her, and I was worried that no school was going to take me. I was so worried I almost threw up during Orientation. BUT it turned out to be totally normal, and most people probably won't be placed until NEXT week. Everyone will get a school within three weeks. So no worries there.
Orientation was mostly just the same stuff I've heard before. Be on time. Be professional. Wear appropriate clothing. Don't backsass your Master Teacher. And more of the same ilk. I had another freak out because we had a break and were supposed to reconvene with our method's teacher in 15 minutes, and I didn't know who mine was, and I tried to log into the school internet from my laptop and got LOCKED OUT (I guess they've changed something in the 8 months I was away. I have no idea how to get on or what I did wrong, but I can't get on while I'm at Fullerton so that sucks) and I had to guess which method's teacher was mine. Thankfully I guessed correctly. Also in a room of 250 people I was the only person who didn't know how to send a text message so that was interesting to learn.
Overall the initial anxiety about it has worn off. My method's teacher seems really nice, as does my content adviser. I was worried I was going to get this one lady who got up to speak, and she shouted everything she had to say. Just being around her was making me nervous, and I knew if I had her as my method's teacher this would be the worst year of my life... but it wasn't her, so dodged a bullet there! She was really knowledgeable but she had such an aggressive personality that I knew it wouldn't work out.
Anyway, that's all that's been going on in a nutshell. I have a desk full of ponies I'm working on customizing, which has been a lot of fun, and I also have two WIP paintings that I hope to work on when I get time. Plus two (TWO!) potential papercutting commissions waiting in my inbox! I'm just trying to take time for me whenever I can because clearly I have done some sort of harm to myself in the past couple of months. Trying to enjoy myself. This coming year is going to be hard, I know it is. But I can't lose myself. I have to stay focused and try and bring all these fragmented pieces of me back together. I know I can do this, I just need to try.
Hope everyone is doing well! Being unplugged is always nice, but I miss you guys when I don't have the ability to talk to you :) Everyone who requested Pokemon cards, I will hopefully be able to mail those to you guys soon, but I don't know exactly when that will be so we will see. I am going to put up the link on DA/FA to see if anyone else wants the remaining things.
Overall, getting back in the saddle. Hopefully I can keep everything up.