I feel like I'm walking backwards
I've realized recently that I've been desperately clinging onto pieces of my childhood. I get really disappointed when I can't indulge in things I would look forward to every year, partly due to not having time, partly due to not having enough interest to outweigh my responsibilities, and partly due to not having friends with similar interests. I try to go to an amusement park every year, and each year I can barely convince one or two people to come with me. I want to cosplay at an anime convention, but I have no friends who would go with me and (unlike other things I have gotten used to) would sincerely not enjoy myself as much going alone. The other week I spent days--DAYS--looking at Pokemon images, downloading the ones I liked, and making a folder of wallpapers that would evoke emotional responses from me--that would make me flash back to a moment in my childhood where all I cared about was this game, this world, and these characters I played.
I don't know what's going on.
I feel bitter. Bitter because I spent most of my late adolescence and early adulthood pushing myself to be independent in every way, and to chase after this notion of "success" that has been planted in my mind. I am bitter because now that I am doing work directly in my field, I feel the tell-tale sap of energy, the listlessness, and the everyday frustration of being in a job situation I don't like. I no longer have that youthful passion I once did to chase after goals, to enjoy myself on a day-to-day basis, and to go to sleep looking forward to the next day. Instead, I feel like I am languidly trudging through mud, heading toward no particular destination, barely aware of the time that passes by. I go to bed every night wishing I could rewind time and do something more fulfilling to rid myself of the remorse I feel as I close my eyes to sleep.
I know there's no point in complaining and doing nothing. Honestly, I'm really just venting because this frustration has been getting to me. I can't help but feel regret about rushing to adulthood and missing the point in my life where I could be irresponsible and get away with it. I've been responsible for so long that I am tired of it, but I can no longer get away with being irresponsible. Not unless I drop out of school, pack my belongings, and begin the long walk of shame back to my parents' doorstep.
I don't know what's going on.
I feel bitter. Bitter because I spent most of my late adolescence and early adulthood pushing myself to be independent in every way, and to chase after this notion of "success" that has been planted in my mind. I am bitter because now that I am doing work directly in my field, I feel the tell-tale sap of energy, the listlessness, and the everyday frustration of being in a job situation I don't like. I no longer have that youthful passion I once did to chase after goals, to enjoy myself on a day-to-day basis, and to go to sleep looking forward to the next day. Instead, I feel like I am languidly trudging through mud, heading toward no particular destination, barely aware of the time that passes by. I go to bed every night wishing I could rewind time and do something more fulfilling to rid myself of the remorse I feel as I close my eyes to sleep.
I know there's no point in complaining and doing nothing. Honestly, I'm really just venting because this frustration has been getting to me. I can't help but feel regret about rushing to adulthood and missing the point in my life where I could be irresponsible and get away with it. I've been responsible for so long that I am tired of it, but I can no longer get away with being irresponsible. Not unless I drop out of school, pack my belongings, and begin the long walk of shame back to my parents' doorstep.