My life as it stands~
My life as it stands is not the worst place to be and yet it's not the best place to be.
If I look back on my life, I have not moved forward for the past few years. I have not done the things I wanted to do and I have not made the accomplishments that I should have been able to make by now.
I do regret some things but I don't want to regret things because regret doesn't change anything. I've learned a lot from the things that have happened to me over the past few years and I won't say that I've matured because I have a long way to go yet, things feel quite a bit different now. A lot of things have changed for the good and I guess in a sense for the bad as well. Some things haven't changed and there are positive and negative parts to that as well.
自分のこと 傷つけない
物にだけ囲まれてても
変わりたいと 願うのなら
抜け出さなきゃ 殻を破り Things that cannot hurt you
Even if you surround yourself with all these
If you wish to change
Then you have to get out, break the shell!
When I moved back to Perth I made a decision to move forwards and that includes doing all the things that I've wanted to do in the past but have been afraid to. Committing myself to reaching towards the goals that I thought were important but were unable to. This entails revamping every single aspect of my life and taking care of all the things that I haven't done in the past when I should have. It has taken me a long time to realize quite a few things but I'm getting there. With the therapists and psychologists that I've spoken to I'm also making headway and slowly rebuilding some of the bridges I've burned ... very slowly... because a bit part of me is afraid of a lot of things. The biggest thing I'm afraid of is losing the control I have over myself at the moment.
Yes, this is a public post.
Wake up
解き放て 未知の力
僕を呼ぶ声 不思議な
闇の中で聴こえてくる
メロディを追いかけ
迷い込む 時の中へ
たぶんそれこそが宿命（さだめ）
逃げられない 逃げちゃいけない
始まるDestiny‘s PlayWake up
Unleash that unknown power
A voice calling out for me, how mysterious
In the darkness, I hear it
Pursue the melody!
Sometimes one is lost
But that is probably fate
I cannot run away…I must not run away!
It begins, Destiny‘s Play
Over the past few years I've become more and more withdrawn into myself physically. I don't like getting close to people or touching people or having any kind of contact except for a few people who I trust. I get strange panic attacks and I don't like it. So please don't feel awkward if I sidestep or step back from a hug. I'm doing all that I can to not run away from the situation and to still try and be somewhatly social. Emotionally I still go through stages. There are times when I'm happy to be around people and other times where I feel like I want to hide away and not be friends with anyone because being friends with people is very frightening. It's really hard to handle.
If you want to know more about me (although I have told a few people about this previously) then you can go read the wiki link about borderline personality disorder. Because that'll explain more than I can in one journal entry. But it woke me up to sit in a big room with a strange psychologist and for them to stare me in the eye and tell me I'm very detached and withdrawn and emotionless, give me this diagnosis again and then talk me around until I almost cried. And then to also realize that I've broken a lot of relationships because I didn't want people to come into my space. It is a lot easier to force people out of my space than to watch them walk away from it. It's a lot scarier to have friends and constantly be afraid of losing everyone than it is to be with people. It's a stupid thought process and it's hard to explain and I don't know how to explain it so I won't try.
同じ道を選んでたら
同じ場所にしか着かない
見たことない 景色や空
出逢うために 踏み出すのさIf you always pick the same path
You will end up in the same place
There are scenery and skies never seen before
Take a step forward to see them
I take Aikido because that class forces me to be physically close to other people but people I feel safe around. I would trust my instructor with my life without thinking twice and I have yet to meet the rest of the aikido class because I'm afraid to but I'm working towards that. I only have one more one on one to go before I'm forced out to meet them all anyhow. I haven't been to gymnastics yet because of interruptions but I'm going to force myself to go into that because I've always been afraid of the rods in my back and I have to stand up to them sometime.
I'm going back to university because I want to finally reach the end of that segment of my life. A segment that I've always been afraid to see the finishing line of but now I want to reach it. I want to see where my future is actually going to be instead of just standing still and watching everyone else around me move forward and slowly find their paths.
１人１人奏でる音が
違うように運命もそう
僕はただ 僕だけの未来への地図を描いてゆく Each and every one plays a different sound
Seems like they all have different fates
I merely wish to draw the map of my future
There are some bridges I regret burning. There are some people I wish I was closer to but I'm not. There are some people I wish I could run over and give them a hug without feeling like having a panic attack half the way there. There are some people I wish I could reach out and tell them "Hey! I'm sorry. I was a moron and I'm sorry in the coming future I will probably still be a moron but I'm slowly getting it under control." One step at a time.
I'm probably still going to turn down a lot of invitations in the oncoming future. I will probably still stick with the very few close people that I feel comfortable around. But that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot more people out there that I wish I could be closer to...I wish I could be better friends with...but I don't think I have the capacity to show those feelings without losing control of myself and then wanting to burn all the bridges again and wanting to be by myself because it's a lot less scary to be by myself even though it feels all empty and lonely. I'm slowly learning to fill that emptiness with all the things I enjoy doing but I know when I stop doing those things, that emptiness will be there again so I have to fill it again another way. I'm slowly finding that way.
石をぶつけあい
粉々にするもいい
夢は滅びない
その先に続くだけ
Chance 苦しい夜が 朝へつながる
さぁ Gearを入れれば 道ができるだろ
Throwing stones
It's okay to smash them up
Dreams don't die
They just continue on into the future
Chance - hard nights will turn to morning
Come on, if you put it in gear, you can make a path
It's easiest to text me. I admit a lot of the time I'm afraid to talk to people by voice but I'll always answer a text or an email. Getting me to come out and see you may be that little bit harder but I'm working towards it. What happened to that carefree Mei who didn't have a care in the world and was able to be close to anyone physically and emotionally and be confident that she could do anything under the sun?
I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.
If I look back on my life, I have not moved forward for the past few years. I have not done the things I wanted to do and I have not made the accomplishments that I should have been able to make by now.
I do regret some things but I don't want to regret things because regret doesn't change anything. I've learned a lot from the things that have happened to me over the past few years and I won't say that I've matured because I have a long way to go yet, things feel quite a bit different now. A lot of things have changed for the good and I guess in a sense for the bad as well. Some things haven't changed and there are positive and negative parts to that as well.
自分のこと 傷つけない
物にだけ囲まれてても
変わりたいと 願うのなら
抜け出さなきゃ 殻を破り Things that cannot hurt you
Even if you surround yourself with all these
If you wish to change
Then you have to get out, break the shell!
When I moved back to Perth I made a decision to move forwards and that includes doing all the things that I've wanted to do in the past but have been afraid to. Committing myself to reaching towards the goals that I thought were important but were unable to. This entails revamping every single aspect of my life and taking care of all the things that I haven't done in the past when I should have. It has taken me a long time to realize quite a few things but I'm getting there. With the therapists and psychologists that I've spoken to I'm also making headway and slowly rebuilding some of the bridges I've burned ... very slowly... because a bit part of me is afraid of a lot of things. The biggest thing I'm afraid of is losing the control I have over myself at the moment.
Yes, this is a public post.
Wake up
解き放て 未知の力
僕を呼ぶ声 不思議な
闇の中で聴こえてくる
メロディを追いかけ
迷い込む 時の中へ
たぶんそれこそが宿命（さだめ）
逃げられない 逃げちゃいけない
始まるDestiny‘s PlayWake up
Unleash that unknown power
A voice calling out for me, how mysterious
In the darkness, I hear it
Pursue the melody!
Sometimes one is lost
But that is probably fate
I cannot run away…I must not run away!
It begins, Destiny‘s Play
Over the past few years I've become more and more withdrawn into myself physically. I don't like getting close to people or touching people or having any kind of contact except for a few people who I trust. I get strange panic attacks and I don't like it. So please don't feel awkward if I sidestep or step back from a hug. I'm doing all that I can to not run away from the situation and to still try and be somewhatly social. Emotionally I still go through stages. There are times when I'm happy to be around people and other times where I feel like I want to hide away and not be friends with anyone because being friends with people is very frightening. It's really hard to handle.
If you want to know more about me (although I have told a few people about this previously) then you can go read the wiki link about borderline personality disorder. Because that'll explain more than I can in one journal entry. But it woke me up to sit in a big room with a strange psychologist and for them to stare me in the eye and tell me I'm very detached and withdrawn and emotionless, give me this diagnosis again and then talk me around until I almost cried. And then to also realize that I've broken a lot of relationships because I didn't want people to come into my space. It is a lot easier to force people out of my space than to watch them walk away from it. It's a lot scarier to have friends and constantly be afraid of losing everyone than it is to be with people. It's a stupid thought process and it's hard to explain and I don't know how to explain it so I won't try.
同じ道を選んでたら
同じ場所にしか着かない
見たことない 景色や空
出逢うために 踏み出すのさIf you always pick the same path
You will end up in the same place
There are scenery and skies never seen before
Take a step forward to see them
I take Aikido because that class forces me to be physically close to other people but people I feel safe around. I would trust my instructor with my life without thinking twice and I have yet to meet the rest of the aikido class because I'm afraid to but I'm working towards that. I only have one more one on one to go before I'm forced out to meet them all anyhow. I haven't been to gymnastics yet because of interruptions but I'm going to force myself to go into that because I've always been afraid of the rods in my back and I have to stand up to them sometime.
I'm going back to university because I want to finally reach the end of that segment of my life. A segment that I've always been afraid to see the finishing line of but now I want to reach it. I want to see where my future is actually going to be instead of just standing still and watching everyone else around me move forward and slowly find their paths.
１人１人奏でる音が
違うように運命もそう
僕はただ 僕だけの未来への地図を描いてゆく Each and every one plays a different sound
Seems like they all have different fates
I merely wish to draw the map of my future
There are some bridges I regret burning. There are some people I wish I was closer to but I'm not. There are some people I wish I could run over and give them a hug without feeling like having a panic attack half the way there. There are some people I wish I could reach out and tell them "Hey! I'm sorry. I was a moron and I'm sorry in the coming future I will probably still be a moron but I'm slowly getting it under control." One step at a time.
I'm probably still going to turn down a lot of invitations in the oncoming future. I will probably still stick with the very few close people that I feel comfortable around. But that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot more people out there that I wish I could be closer to...I wish I could be better friends with...but I don't think I have the capacity to show those feelings without losing control of myself and then wanting to burn all the bridges again and wanting to be by myself because it's a lot less scary to be by myself even though it feels all empty and lonely. I'm slowly learning to fill that emptiness with all the things I enjoy doing but I know when I stop doing those things, that emptiness will be there again so I have to fill it again another way. I'm slowly finding that way.
石をぶつけあい
粉々にするもいい
夢は滅びない
その先に続くだけ
Chance 苦しい夜が 朝へつながる
さぁ Gearを入れれば 道ができるだろ
Throwing stones
It's okay to smash them up
Dreams don't die
They just continue on into the future
Chance - hard nights will turn to morning
Come on, if you put it in gear, you can make a path
It's easiest to text me. I admit a lot of the time I'm afraid to talk to people by voice but I'll always answer a text or an email. Getting me to come out and see you may be that little bit harder but I'm working towards it. What happened to that carefree Mei who didn't have a care in the world and was able to be close to anyone physically and emotionally and be confident that she could do anything under the sun?
I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.