Don't give a fuck if my posts sound emo anymore.
I don't know what to do now. I woke up today with so much panic in my head that I just wanted it to end, I wanted nothing more than to feel alright. Then I got talking to David, and he was saying how he was writing some music. I had been too, so I thought it would be cool if I came round and we wrote some songs together. But I should stop asking. I should just stop trying. Because first of all he says he's feeling a bit cranky and doesn't want to offend me or anything, and then it turns into him not wanting me around because I make it hard for him to write, and next thing I know I'm on the phone to him practically begging not to be left alone today because I can't live with myself and all my failures and the big black empty space that's my future. And he says no. He says he's feeling good and doesn't want to have to deal with me being the way I am again. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE WAY I AM. I've had a prescription for xanax for over a week now and I can't bring myself to leave the house to get it filled. I don't know why, I just can't do it. I have so much uni work to do that there's no way in hell I could possibly get it done before the end of semester, and when I try I just go blank and can't even type a single sentence. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I hate it. I wish I had some weed or something to take away this misery. I have valium but all that does is make me tired and weak, and I'm already tired and weak. Besides which, I hardly want to look at them because there's probably enough in the packet to mix with some alcohol and say a parting toast to the world with. I don't want to die. I do want to die. I don't, I do. I don't know, it's just too hard to live. I can't do all the things that people are supposed to be able to do, like hold down a job or do a degree or even manage a relationship without turning into a scary dependent freak. I want it to be OVER.