The Disasters of Dating Dietary Dispensers
Why in the fucking fuck is this the first fanfic I write for Homestuck
WTF, me
--
WV had always been the odd type. There was really no other way of putting it. He was odd and spazzish and really had the mindset of a child at times. While this was fun for him, it was not so much fun for the people who had to deal with him on a regular basis, and so it was for this reason that poor WV found himself used to being alone.
This had some unfortunate if not disastrous effect on his interpersonal skills.
He was not interested in other people. He did not want to settle down with that beautiful tall and pale girl his mother was constantly trying to push at him. No, he was attracted to far more sophisticated appearances.
The sleek sheen of metal taut across a glass enclosure. The stark contrast of black matte framing, rough to the delicate touches he bestowed upon it hesitantly. Buttons that made a delightful futuristic ping at every press.
And then there were the snacks.
She was practically bursting forth with bounties aplenty, and WV craved nothing more in that moment of finding this amazing contraption. There was nothing but the raw and unbearable need to be inside her and claim her treasure.
His first attempts were fruitless. Granted, trying to shove his way head-first into her sex-flap was probably a bad idea to begin with. For one thing, it was rectangular, and he was not. For another, it was made of the same metal as the rest of her majority, and WV was vaguely positive that his head was not supposed to be hurting that badly. But fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view and general capacity for logic and other mental faculties), WV was not about to give up.
He was doing this. He was making this happen.
His arms made a better trip inside, but his wriggly ministrations left both he and his lady unsatisfied. His stomach still grumbled impatiently; her great belly still ached for release.
Some flailing and retries of ideas one and two later, WV stood back to appraise her from a different angle. Maybe there was a way to get her to open up a better way, that he hadn't thought of. There was some remembrance of someone advising him to engage in cuddles and kisses and other fluffy and saccharine things preceding sexual conduct, but he quickly forgot it in favor of pressing all her buttons again.
And oh, what wonderful, melodic buttons they were. Her song only proved to make him hungrier, and the tune grew more and more frantic the faster he pressed.
He was suddenly aware of a flashing beneath his right hand.
Removing his offending appendage to get a better look at it, he was surprised to find another, smaller hole: a slot, flashing an insistent red, with a small hieroglyph above it that looked suspiciously like one of the gold coins he had in his Mayorly Bag. In fact, the slot looked suspiciously the same size as his gold coins as well.
It was all very suspicious.
But WV trusted his lady. And in his trusting, he gave her all he had, every last gold coin, softly cooing to the slot and stroking the metal flap with his free hand.
The jingling of change resounded deep within her, and then it fell quiet. WV waited with baited breath, but nothing happened. Was she unhappy with him? Had he done it wrong? His stroking increased tenfold, but the snacks were still trapped within her. He tried to keep himself from a panic, but he'd done all he knew how to do! He'd made OFFERINGS to her!
With one desperate last-ditch attempt, WV slammed his palm against the button pad. The resulting sound was a hideous electronic shriek that almost scared him away, but he kept his post! He was not going to leave like some namby-pampy after he'd already spent so much of his time wooing this cursed creature!
The shrieking stopped after a moment. Quivering with anticipation, WV reached inside and felt her up...
...only to discover one lousy package of salted peanuts.
It was gone before WV could really even comprehend it was there, cellophane and all. His stomach quieted very slightly. But it was still not enough to quench his hunger and now his anger at the cruel seductress.
With a swift kick and a few acrimonious fist-shakes, WV stalked off in a huff. Dating, he decided, was much too complicated.
WTF, me
--
WV had always been the odd type. There was really no other way of putting it. He was odd and spazzish and really had the mindset of a child at times. While this was fun for him, it was not so much fun for the people who had to deal with him on a regular basis, and so it was for this reason that poor WV found himself used to being alone.
This had some unfortunate if not disastrous effect on his interpersonal skills.
He was not interested in other people. He did not want to settle down with that beautiful tall and pale girl his mother was constantly trying to push at him. No, he was attracted to far more sophisticated appearances.
The sleek sheen of metal taut across a glass enclosure. The stark contrast of black matte framing, rough to the delicate touches he bestowed upon it hesitantly. Buttons that made a delightful futuristic ping at every press.
And then there were the snacks.
She was practically bursting forth with bounties aplenty, and WV craved nothing more in that moment of finding this amazing contraption. There was nothing but the raw and unbearable need to be inside her and claim her treasure.
His first attempts were fruitless. Granted, trying to shove his way head-first into her sex-flap was probably a bad idea to begin with. For one thing, it was rectangular, and he was not. For another, it was made of the same metal as the rest of her majority, and WV was vaguely positive that his head was not supposed to be hurting that badly. But fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view and general capacity for logic and other mental faculties), WV was not about to give up.
He was doing this. He was making this happen.
His arms made a better trip inside, but his wriggly ministrations left both he and his lady unsatisfied. His stomach still grumbled impatiently; her great belly still ached for release.
Some flailing and retries of ideas one and two later, WV stood back to appraise her from a different angle. Maybe there was a way to get her to open up a better way, that he hadn't thought of. There was some remembrance of someone advising him to engage in cuddles and kisses and other fluffy and saccharine things preceding sexual conduct, but he quickly forgot it in favor of pressing all her buttons again.
And oh, what wonderful, melodic buttons they were. Her song only proved to make him hungrier, and the tune grew more and more frantic the faster he pressed.
He was suddenly aware of a flashing beneath his right hand.
Removing his offending appendage to get a better look at it, he was surprised to find another, smaller hole: a slot, flashing an insistent red, with a small hieroglyph above it that looked suspiciously like one of the gold coins he had in his Mayorly Bag. In fact, the slot looked suspiciously the same size as his gold coins as well.
It was all very suspicious.
But WV trusted his lady. And in his trusting, he gave her all he had, every last gold coin, softly cooing to the slot and stroking the metal flap with his free hand.
The jingling of change resounded deep within her, and then it fell quiet. WV waited with baited breath, but nothing happened. Was she unhappy with him? Had he done it wrong? His stroking increased tenfold, but the snacks were still trapped within her. He tried to keep himself from a panic, but he'd done all he knew how to do! He'd made OFFERINGS to her!
With one desperate last-ditch attempt, WV slammed his palm against the button pad. The resulting sound was a hideous electronic shriek that almost scared him away, but he kept his post! He was not going to leave like some namby-pampy after he'd already spent so much of his time wooing this cursed creature!
The shrieking stopped after a moment. Quivering with anticipation, WV reached inside and felt her up...
...only to discover one lousy package of salted peanuts.
It was gone before WV could really even comprehend it was there, cellophane and all. His stomach quieted very slightly. But it was still not enough to quench his hunger and now his anger at the cruel seductress.
With a swift kick and a few acrimonious fist-shakes, WV stalked off in a huff. Dating, he decided, was much too complicated.