forget it

[nekokitsune]

so i watched keishigomu's youtube video that she had linked on her AIM away message, and i couldn't help wishing for the days of my childhood.

if only life were still that simple, where sleeping were a problem and dancing were the solution. dance, dance, dance... i miss the little girl who adored dancing.

i'm not having a good evening. :/

work is empty without eric.

life is empty.

it's funny, my psych said that he thought that i would succeed, living on my own. could succeed anywhere.

somedays, i just want the world to myself. no other intruders in my little bubble - no traffic noises, no nothing. i could still ostensibly work, if it were just a day of the world and i. it seems like a soothing idea.



i've told a few select people this story, and it seems its now time to share it with all of you, too. i'm sure that it's just because i'm feeling sick and down and vulnerable at this moment that i have decided to write here, because it's probably not a good idea. never is.

looking back, it seems innocent enough. i have to read between the lines in order to see what happened, because the words themselves reveal little. actually, i don't feel like paraphrasing. just take this in, as part one of a series.

part of the reason you surprised me i guess is that i just never really let myself consider it too much, i used to think a bit about you back after we got back in contact, but i donno, i didnt feel like it was appropriate, or that i wanted to disrespect you
i was kinda afraid of messing up our friendship cuz i've actually strained things in the past w/ others w/ one sided attraction

and like you've said, you have cultivated a certain air of innocence, and i would feel guilty about thinking of flirting w/ you

i dont know, it was really weird

we've always had a lot in common and i've caught myself thinking that i wanted to meet a girl that shared as many interests w/ me as you did

wow

and you were off, i also let distance be a deterrent so that i wouldnt think of it too much

i guess you always spoke so fondly and passionately of your girlfriend, so i just... didn't think of it

wow, i havent examined a lot of this until now

it embarrasses me to think of the cheesy letter i wrote you, and the drawing i did. oh man. that was soooo long ago

i felt guilty for years afterward for not writing back. i feel like a fucking idiot. still.

well, if it makes you feel better, i never really did expect anything back

and that really makes me feel like an ass, i've changed a lot since then, but even still, i think you really deserved more of me than that
you say ive always been here to talk to you when you appear again, but you started it
you were there for me first when you had no reason to be

it's okay, i was pretty fucked up then

and i didnt show any appreciation or do anything in return
its not okay, i appreciate that you accept it, but i know it wasnt okay

shhhhh... stop it. you can't hold yourself responsible for something that happened so long ago.
you did the best you could with what you had at the time.
you can't expect yourself to be perfect

but thats the thing, i didnt, i was so absorbed w/ just me, blaming everybody else for stuff, i didnt even try
ive read that letter quite a few times, every time i find among my stuff again, it makes me smile
i've liked you very much since then

oh jason

and since i've been in contact w/ you again, ive been determined to let you know i appreciate you and keep our friendship going

i promise, promise, promise, you will never loose me

and i promise i will always be right here, every time, no matter what, that you can always turn to me

everything you've said to me, has to have been the sweetest things that anyone has ever said to me

its amazing that ive had all this inside me and ive never taken the time to think it through and give it voice until now
i hope i can be good guy and be a better and better friend to you as time goes on
you definitely deserve it

gods jason...
i'm utterly floored. you seem to know everything i've ever wished for and you're giving it to me...

i hope i can, words are just words, i really wanna do whatever i can to prove it and show you i mean it
i dont wanna disappoint you, though i'm far from perfect

no, you know words aren't just words, we just talked about that last night.
i know you mean it. i know it from the very core of my being
and i don't care if you're not perfect
i like it better that way
because i'm not either
i love you for being you, as is