PHP, Enzan-neko, Mama...
I may have semi-figured out PHP, CSS, and SQL, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how to truly overhaul my damn Journal. X_X; Cie la vie....
Right, well anyway. Enzan-neko.... He's so cute.... God I wish I could keep him. :< Mostly white, with some black and gray patches on him. Mike's pissed cause I keep calling him by a Japanese name. -.-; Well I'm sorry, but even if he's not a permanant resident like I'd LOVE him to be... He attached to MY foot and seems defensive of me. So for the short time he's here, Let me call him what he answers to. On the creepier side of this cat.... I had two incidents. First, my large Navi dolls were on the desk... standing there near one another. Enzan jumped onto my desk and sniffed them both. He headbutted Rock off and behind the desk (where he wound up somehow magically tangled in the cords... which if you've seen the EXE Movie WPP just recently subbed, you'll find that more creepy. ^^; ) then he sniffed Blues again and just licked him. O_o; Later he jumped up to the two CF dolls and whapped Netto over, leaving CF Enzan standing. But he fell over on his own without Netto there to support his vertical position. >_______>;;
We're getting ready to finish up the final thread on the old board then move to the new one. Cam's like.... a 2 year old in a candy shop. He wants everything and he wants it now. ^^;; Settle, Cam. And don't ley Ruka-bot sneak up on you and give you a virus. *cough*
Though I have to quickly comment that he's not the one that's MODded the board to all hell and made the Admin Control Panel's left frame like 6 feet long. XD;
Anywho...! ^^;
Fixing my Enzan costume. I may recycle it for Halloween... I'm definitely going to Otakon as the same character despite what Ki'd like to do. I still say we should do the idea of Ota-DDT/DDT-kon. >_> XD
Also, you all must go to WPP/Wolfpack Productions now and download two things if you haven't yet. The EXE Movie; Hikari to Yami no PROGRAM; and the 7th Digimon Movie; Ancient Digimon Revive!!! Finally!!! It's subbed!!!! *_* *dies happily* Yeah, I know they dubbed it. Spooks me more than excites me. @_@;
The new Beast PET looks like a damn iPod. @_@; wtf? Just when you thought the screen couldn't shrink anymore... Along comes ShoPro's new animation! :D
BAM!
Right.....
Ok, now for the good stuff. Shit I HAVE to put somewhere... *sigh* I'm seriously considering calling and going back to therapy at this point. I'm just afraid because they never seem to listen to what I NEED to talk about. Only what they thhink I SHOULD talk about. And I swear to God the last two therapists I saw only wanted to talk about my mother.
Sadly, that'd be what I'd be going to talk about, but I wouldn't be going to talk about how crappy she brought me up. Sorry, she didn't fail as a parent. Get over it. That happens. Now... I've talked to Cam because Graham's not been around to talk to.. but I really don't think I'd want to discuss this with him anyway. Cam's actually been there and has the best advice for me to deal with this now...
I asked Cam.... if I was an evil person. If I was coldhearted and cruel to think what I did. A few times... but he reassured me that... NORMALLY, yes, he'd say I should be ashamed of myself... however in this situation and what I said... No, I'm not evil when I think that.
People are being hopeful now and feel that Mom will get better, despite her constant deterioration. I don't want to go upstairs anymore. I don't want to BE here anymore.
I also don't want ONE more person tell me I need to quit. You see, the more times I hear that, the more shit goes wrong and the more stress I get piled onto my damn shoulders. I know I need to quit. 75% of me WANTS to, but that's not enough to just stop. the other 25% not only comes up with reasons why I shouldn't bother right now and also holds fear that the same thing that happened to Steve will happen to me. He quit, did well. Nearly two months of no smoking! .....Then his mom died... And whammo! Hello, my good friend Mr. Butt. Do you blame him? Hell, I'm almost kinda shocked Cam didn't start after his entire situation leading up to it in the first place. Glad he didn't, but I sure as hell wouldn't have degraded him or thought any less of him for doing it.
Have you figured out what I bawled behind the keyboard as I asked Cam?
Can you figure out what I asked Cam, while crying so hard I couldn't see yet Ki thought it was my allergies?
...............Alright, on that one... granted, I was like... purposely holding my breath so I wouldn't start outright bawling, but I was sniffing more often than a crack junkie and my eyes were watering worse than if I was shoving an onion on them. And I refused Allergy Meds when I was asking for them right and left to that point.
I asked Cam.... and I don't know if I can type it again without starting up....
Not sure I could actually type it.... so I refound that IM... Fortunately, I found more comedy before I found this to stave off the tears this time. However, I feel it from time to time at inappropriate times... Meaning there's no reason I should cry over something and I feel like I wanna.
GunGriever: I dunno why but the Digivicies aren't hooking
Yoshino Suki: hooking?
Yoshino Suki: Well have you talked to their Pimps?
Yoshino Suki: ...........Sorry. I tried.
Yoshino Suki: Gomen
GunGriever: X_X
Yoshino Suki: Niisan....?
Is it evil to have the fleeting thought that if it's Mom's time, that it please be fast and soon instead of letting her sit here for years and get worse? Instead of letting her suffer for no viable reason?
No one can find a damn thing wrong, nothing is helping...
If it's really her time to go, is it an evil thing to wish that it would be soon... and swift...?
Yoshino Suki: gomen nasai
GunGriever: hmm..
GunGriever: *hug*
Yoshino Suki: *snuggle*
GunGriever: Jess, normally I would say that you should be ashamed
GunGriever: But this is no different from my mom dying.
GunGriever: In the end, it is better that it be swift and better yet, while she sleeps. Let it be peaceful.
Yoshino Suki: hai...
I hope he's right. However, there's one small factoid right now. A small ray of hope that I'm afraid to bank on even remotely. If mom has Diabetes... She expects it, she's prepared for it. She knows she's probably due for it. Nan had it, my uncle has it, and I have a form of it. So mom was ready to hear she had it. It's not a devastating blow.
What HAS been so hard is hearing, "Well shit... I have no God damn clue what y'all've got goin' on there." for her toe/feet. Yes, we know she needs to quit smoking. We know we ALL need to quit. Why will no one LISTEN to us when we say that maybe shoving her in the fucking hospital for a few days or a week or so would be a better idea than scheduling 60 tests weeks apart!? >_<
I've done the sadness thing and right now I'm in the anger thing. I'll be ready if that unthinkable event DOES happen. By then, I'll already have hit the "7th stage" and be "Moving On". So yeah, I'm sorry, but if Mom DOES die I will be standing RIGHT outside the door to the autopsy room so I'll know who I'm going to go sue for Malpractice because "they were frustrated and didn't know what to do". Which really means "We don't give a shit, you don't have Coverage for this, so fuck you and your family, Lady. What you say isn't important and can't be right."
And people wonder why I've sort of dropped going to so many doctors.
Besides that, the more of them that Julie sees and HAS to have the attention of going to... the less I give a rat's ass about any of it
I always lose everything I love and care about. They either die, run away, just plain leave, or change how they think about me.
I'm waiting on Ki to realize that she was just enjoying the vacation from her family and that maybe I was a bit too pushy about things while she was here. I'm sure that any day now she'll IM me and say "thanks for everything ya gave me, but I think I'mma stay up here in Hell and let you deal with your shit there alone. kthxbai :D"
....Or at least tell me I'm a worthless piece of shti and need to deal with my own issues without help from her or any other living being on this planet.
And you have no idea how much I hope that's not the case... But I'm ready in case I'm dead on...
Julie said that my birth chart reads that I need to stop believing in bad luck. I need to stop calling myself (a) Jinx/believing I am a Jinx and my luck will change.
Y'know what? I tried that. I really did.
And things just got insanely worse. Embracing my Jinx abilities and my persona of Shadow, I seem to be able to handle things better and can fend off more negativity than if I shove them aside in the belief that they're why I'm drowing in sorrow. I've gone more into working on my site and developing Robyn's character as Sailor Shadow... thinking about how to put things in my life into a fiction. Not pushing away EXE altogether, but knowing I have three series things I'm writing and wondering where to put certain things in terms of where it would fit.
Hell the only character of mine that still has both parents is Yuki in the EXE Universe. O.o; He just don't live with them. >______>
I like Angst. It makes great stories and art.
I asked a few people if I was weird to think, "Y'know.... this'd make for great fiction," after certain situations and most of them replied, "Nah... I know what you mean."
Heh. Fine then. So why can't anyone ever seem to understand that my role is usually to be the idiot that cracks the stupid joke in a tense or serious situation because being too serious is way too stressful?
I hate it when people get angry about a sense of humor that wasn't installed with a tact program.
Right, well I can't think anymore. <3 Ja ne.
And THAT'S how my boobs became watermelons filled with cream pie.
Also, in addition to the Alt Text, I need to add that only those people will also know the second frame of that PARTICULAR joke. X3
Good night.
--Jesi "I Can't Hear 'Ole!' Without Thinking Of Rockman Now, Thanks." Marikus
Right, well anyway. Enzan-neko.... He's so cute.... God I wish I could keep him. :< Mostly white, with some black and gray patches on him. Mike's pissed cause I keep calling him by a Japanese name. -.-; Well I'm sorry, but even if he's not a permanant resident like I'd LOVE him to be... He attached to MY foot and seems defensive of me. So for the short time he's here, Let me call him what he answers to. On the creepier side of this cat.... I had two incidents. First, my large Navi dolls were on the desk... standing there near one another. Enzan jumped onto my desk and sniffed them both. He headbutted Rock off and behind the desk (where he wound up somehow magically tangled in the cords... which if you've seen the EXE Movie WPP just recently subbed, you'll find that more creepy. ^^; ) then he sniffed Blues again and just licked him. O_o; Later he jumped up to the two CF dolls and whapped Netto over, leaving CF Enzan standing. But he fell over on his own without Netto there to support his vertical position. >_______>;;
We're getting ready to finish up the final thread on the old board then move to the new one. Cam's like.... a 2 year old in a candy shop. He wants everything and he wants it now. ^^;; Settle, Cam. And don't ley Ruka-bot sneak up on you and give you a virus. *cough*
Though I have to quickly comment that he's not the one that's MODded the board to all hell and made the Admin Control Panel's left frame like 6 feet long. XD;
Anywho...! ^^;
Fixing my Enzan costume. I may recycle it for Halloween... I'm definitely going to Otakon as the same character despite what Ki'd like to do. I still say we should do the idea of Ota-DDT/DDT-kon. >_> XD
Also, you all must go to WPP/Wolfpack Productions now and download two things if you haven't yet. The EXE Movie; Hikari to Yami no PROGRAM; and the 7th Digimon Movie; Ancient Digimon Revive!!! Finally!!! It's subbed!!!! *_* *dies happily* Yeah, I know they dubbed it. Spooks me more than excites me. @_@;
The new Beast PET looks like a damn iPod. @_@; wtf? Just when you thought the screen couldn't shrink anymore... Along comes ShoPro's new animation! :D
BAM!
Right.....
Ok, now for the good stuff. Shit I HAVE to put somewhere... *sigh* I'm seriously considering calling and going back to therapy at this point. I'm just afraid because they never seem to listen to what I NEED to talk about. Only what they thhink I SHOULD talk about. And I swear to God the last two therapists I saw only wanted to talk about my mother.
Sadly, that'd be what I'd be going to talk about, but I wouldn't be going to talk about how crappy she brought me up. Sorry, she didn't fail as a parent. Get over it. That happens. Now... I've talked to Cam because Graham's not been around to talk to.. but I really don't think I'd want to discuss this with him anyway. Cam's actually been there and has the best advice for me to deal with this now...
I asked Cam.... if I was an evil person. If I was coldhearted and cruel to think what I did. A few times... but he reassured me that... NORMALLY, yes, he'd say I should be ashamed of myself... however in this situation and what I said... No, I'm not evil when I think that.
People are being hopeful now and feel that Mom will get better, despite her constant deterioration. I don't want to go upstairs anymore. I don't want to BE here anymore.
I also don't want ONE more person tell me I need to quit. You see, the more times I hear that, the more shit goes wrong and the more stress I get piled onto my damn shoulders. I know I need to quit. 75% of me WANTS to, but that's not enough to just stop. the other 25% not only comes up with reasons why I shouldn't bother right now and also holds fear that the same thing that happened to Steve will happen to me. He quit, did well. Nearly two months of no smoking! .....Then his mom died... And whammo! Hello, my good friend Mr. Butt. Do you blame him? Hell, I'm almost kinda shocked Cam didn't start after his entire situation leading up to it in the first place. Glad he didn't, but I sure as hell wouldn't have degraded him or thought any less of him for doing it.
Have you figured out what I bawled behind the keyboard as I asked Cam?
Can you figure out what I asked Cam, while crying so hard I couldn't see yet Ki thought it was my allergies?
...............Alright, on that one... granted, I was like... purposely holding my breath so I wouldn't start outright bawling, but I was sniffing more often than a crack junkie and my eyes were watering worse than if I was shoving an onion on them. And I refused Allergy Meds when I was asking for them right and left to that point.
I asked Cam.... and I don't know if I can type it again without starting up....
Not sure I could actually type it.... so I refound that IM... Fortunately, I found more comedy before I found this to stave off the tears this time. However, I feel it from time to time at inappropriate times... Meaning there's no reason I should cry over something and I feel like I wanna.
GunGriever: I dunno why but the Digivicies aren't hooking
Yoshino Suki: hooking?
Yoshino Suki: Well have you talked to their Pimps?
Yoshino Suki: ...........Sorry. I tried.
Yoshino Suki: Gomen
GunGriever: X_X
Yoshino Suki: Niisan....?
Is it evil to have the fleeting thought that if it's Mom's time, that it please be fast and soon instead of letting her sit here for years and get worse? Instead of letting her suffer for no viable reason?
No one can find a damn thing wrong, nothing is helping...
If it's really her time to go, is it an evil thing to wish that it would be soon... and swift...?
Yoshino Suki: gomen nasai
GunGriever: hmm..
GunGriever: *hug*
Yoshino Suki: *snuggle*
GunGriever: Jess, normally I would say that you should be ashamed
GunGriever: But this is no different from my mom dying.
GunGriever: In the end, it is better that it be swift and better yet, while she sleeps. Let it be peaceful.
Yoshino Suki: hai...
I hope he's right. However, there's one small factoid right now. A small ray of hope that I'm afraid to bank on even remotely. If mom has Diabetes... She expects it, she's prepared for it. She knows she's probably due for it. Nan had it, my uncle has it, and I have a form of it. So mom was ready to hear she had it. It's not a devastating blow.
What HAS been so hard is hearing, "Well shit... I have no God damn clue what y'all've got goin' on there." for her toe/feet. Yes, we know she needs to quit smoking. We know we ALL need to quit. Why will no one LISTEN to us when we say that maybe shoving her in the fucking hospital for a few days or a week or so would be a better idea than scheduling 60 tests weeks apart!? >_<
I've done the sadness thing and right now I'm in the anger thing. I'll be ready if that unthinkable event DOES happen. By then, I'll already have hit the "7th stage" and be "Moving On". So yeah, I'm sorry, but if Mom DOES die I will be standing RIGHT outside the door to the autopsy room so I'll know who I'm going to go sue for Malpractice because "they were frustrated and didn't know what to do". Which really means "We don't give a shit, you don't have Coverage for this, so fuck you and your family, Lady. What you say isn't important and can't be right."
And people wonder why I've sort of dropped going to so many doctors.
Besides that, the more of them that Julie sees and HAS to have the attention of going to... the less I give a rat's ass about any of it
I always lose everything I love and care about. They either die, run away, just plain leave, or change how they think about me.
I'm waiting on Ki to realize that she was just enjoying the vacation from her family and that maybe I was a bit too pushy about things while she was here. I'm sure that any day now she'll IM me and say "thanks for everything ya gave me, but I think I'mma stay up here in Hell and let you deal with your shit there alone. kthxbai :D"
....Or at least tell me I'm a worthless piece of shti and need to deal with my own issues without help from her or any other living being on this planet.
And you have no idea how much I hope that's not the case... But I'm ready in case I'm dead on...
Julie said that my birth chart reads that I need to stop believing in bad luck. I need to stop calling myself (a) Jinx/believing I am a Jinx and my luck will change.
Y'know what? I tried that. I really did.
And things just got insanely worse. Embracing my Jinx abilities and my persona of Shadow, I seem to be able to handle things better and can fend off more negativity than if I shove them aside in the belief that they're why I'm drowing in sorrow. I've gone more into working on my site and developing Robyn's character as Sailor Shadow... thinking about how to put things in my life into a fiction. Not pushing away EXE altogether, but knowing I have three series things I'm writing and wondering where to put certain things in terms of where it would fit.
Hell the only character of mine that still has both parents is Yuki in the EXE Universe. O.o; He just don't live with them. >______>
I like Angst. It makes great stories and art.
I asked a few people if I was weird to think, "Y'know.... this'd make for great fiction," after certain situations and most of them replied, "Nah... I know what you mean."
Heh. Fine then. So why can't anyone ever seem to understand that my role is usually to be the idiot that cracks the stupid joke in a tense or serious situation because being too serious is way too stressful?
I hate it when people get angry about a sense of humor that wasn't installed with a tact program.
Right, well I can't think anymore. <3 Ja ne.
And THAT'S how my boobs became watermelons filled with cream pie.
Also, in addition to the Alt Text, I need to add that only those people will also know the second frame of that PARTICULAR joke. X3
Good night.
--Jesi "I Can't Hear 'Ole!' Without Thinking Of Rockman Now, Thanks." Marikus