The Screw [a Harry Potter fanplay]
This was written back in 2004, before I discovered the joys of Harry/Draco shipping. The only serious pairing in this play is Ron/Hermione, and their scene is a bit cheesey. ^^; This fanplay is NOT to be taken seriously. My friend Kachi is to be blamed for the first Snape pairing. Ah, and it's rated PG-13 for gratuitous use of the word "screw." =D
Harry Potter cast/Harry Potter cast, humour. Rating: PG-13
-Act 1, Scene 1-
[Draco and Harry are conviently in a deserted room glaring at each other.]
Draco: I hate you.
Harry: I hate you, too.
[More glaring.]
Draco: Let's screw.
Harry: Okay.
[They screw. Hermione comes in, stops, and stares. Draco and Harry finish.]
Draco: What do you want, Mudblood.
Harry: Don't call her that, Malfoy!
[Draco nips Harry's ear; Harry melts. Hermione sweatdrops.]
Hermione: Actually, I came to find Harry. Ron's waiting for you so you can go to Quidditch practice together.
Harry: Oh, I almost forgot! See you later, Hermione!
[Harry starts to leave, then pauses and glares at Draco.]
Harry: I still hate you, Malfoy.
Draco: Oh, the feeling is mutual, Potter.
[Harry leaves. Hermione stares at Draco; Draco stares at his nails. There is a long silence.]
Hermione: ... I loathe you, Malfoy.
Draco: Do you?
Hermione: Absolutely.
[More silence.]
Draco: Shall we screw, then?
Hermione: Thought you'd never ask.
[They scew.]
-End Scene 1-
-Act 1, Scene 2-
[Harry and Ron are in the Gryffindor locker room. Ron looks upset.]
Ron: I must be the worst Keeper in the history of Quidditch!
Harry: Come on, Ron. You aren't that bad.
Ron: Come off it. Angelina threw the Quaffle straight at me and I still missed it! I'm hopeless...
Harry: I know what would make you feel better.
Ron: What?
Harry: Let's screw.
Ron: What?!
[Silence. Ron stares at Harry.]
Ron: Okay.
[They screw. Afterwards, they get their things and exit. Fred and George enter from opposite side stage.]
Fred: Did you see that, George?
George: I sure did, Fred.
Fred: Our little brother is growing up.
George: I'm so proud.
[They look at each other.]
George: Let's screw.
Fred: Again?
[George tackles Fred. They screw.]
Fred: Doesn't it ever bother you that we screw even though we are twin brothers?
George: Hey, I didn't come up with this pairing. You got a problem, take it up with the writer.
Fred: Oi, Shuu, I thought you weren't into the incest thing!
Shuu's booming voice: I didn't come up with the pairing either. I just write them, I don't make them. Now screw again~!
[There is a sound of a whip cracking. Fred and George screw again.]
-End Act 1, Scene 2-
-Act 2, Scene 1-
[Harry is in Occlumency with Snape.]
Snape: Prepare yourself, Potter!
[Snape begins, Harry frowns, then yells "No!" and pushes back. He sees a memory of Snape's (sidestage).]
Young Severus: I hate you.
Young Remus: I hate you, too.
[They glare at each other.]
Young Remus: Let's screw.
Young Severus: Okay.
[They screw. Flackback starts to fade out.]
Snape: Stop!
[Harry falls backwards. Snape is very red in the face and leaves the room.]
Harry: That was weird... Oh, look. The Penseive.
[Harry bends over Penseive and is dragged into it. He is thrown into another memory. Sirius and James are sitting in the library studying. Severus is a table over, also studying. It is, again, conviently empty.]
Young Sirius: I'm bored.
Young James: Oh?
Young Sirius: Yeah... Hey, look. There's Snape.
[Sirius and James look at each other; James grins wickedly.]
Young James: Oi, Snivelus!
Young Severus: What do you want, Potty?
Young James: Sirius is bored.
Young Severus: And?
Young James: Let's screw.
[Severus stares at him. Sirius just smirks.]
Young Severus: ... Fine.
[They screw. Sirius watches. Scene changes to the lawn. Sirius, James, and Remus are sitting under a tree. Severus is several meters away.]
Young Sirius: I'm bored.
Young James: Oh?
Young Sirius: Yeah... Hey, look. There's Snape.
[Sirius and James look at each other; James grins wickedly. Remus hides behind his book.]
Young James: Oi, Snivelus!
Young Severus: What do you want, Potty?
Young James: Sirius is bored.
Young Severus: And?
[James points his wand at Severus, he flips upside down and dangles in midair.]
Snape: Having fun, Potter?
[Harry jumps. Snape grabs him by his ear and drags him out of the Penseive.]
Snape: OUT! Get OUT!
Harry: Y-yes, Professor!
[Harry leaves. Snape scowles.]
-End Scene 1-
-Act 2, Scene 2-
[Harry is sitting in front of the fireplace with some Floo Powder in his hand.]
Harry: I have to know if my dad was really that mean!
[He throws powder into fire and sticks his head through. His head is then in the kitchen of Sirius's house. Sirius and Remus are at the table playing cards.]
Sirius: Got any three's?
Remus: Go fish.
Harry: Sirius! Professor Lupin!
[Sirius and Remus drop their cards. They stare at Harry's head in the fireplace.]
Sirius: Bloody hell, Harry. What are you doing here?
Harry: I just saw a memory of my dad being awful to Snape!
Remus: ~Professor~ Snape.
Harry: Whatever. I need to know what my dad was really like.
Sirius: Well...
[Flashback forms on side stage. Young Sirius and Young James are conviently alone in the Gryffindor common room.]
Young Sirius: I'm bored.
Young James: So am I.
[Silence.]
Young Sirius: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Young James. Screw?
Young Sirius: Naturally.
[They screw. Flashback fades out.]
Sirius: He was an okay guy.
Remus: We were young and stupid, you know. But we grew out of it.
Sirius: That's right! Your dad was a great man.
Harry: Oh. Okay. Bye, then.
[His head dissapears. Sirius and Remus look at each other.]
Remus: That brought back so many memories...
Sirius: Yeah... Want to screw?
Remus: Of course!
[They screw.]
-End Act 2, Scene 2-
-Act 3, Scene 1-
[Ron and Hermione are conviently alone in the Gryffindor common room.]
Ron: Hermione... I have a confession to make.
Hermione: What is it, Ron?
Ron: I love you.
Hermione: Well it's about time you realised it!
Ron: Hey!
[They look at each other. There is silence. Ron is about three shades darker than his hair.]
Ron: Um...
Hermione: Want to go upstairs?
Ron: I guess, yeah...
[They go upstairs hand in hand, romantic music plays.]
-End Scene 1-
-Act 3, Scene 2-
[Everyone is in the Great Hall, including James and Lily. They are looking around in confusion.]
Sirius: Hey, Shuu, what's going on?
James: Yeah. Why are we all here? I thought I was supposed to be dead.
Lily: Way to remind us, James.
James: Sorry, Love.
Snape: Can we get back to the question? Why are we here?
Shuu's booming voice: The audience demands a big finish.
Draco: A what?
Shuu's booming voice: A big finish. A grand finale.
Fred: Meaning what, exactly?
Shuu's booming voice: Orgy!
[Everyone looks at everyone else. There is silence.]
Shuu's booming voice: Aww, come on. Do it for your fans.
George: Our fans...
James: For our fans!
Everyone: For our fans!
[Everyone screws everyone else in THE BIG SCREW. Fade out.]
~fin~
-End Act 3, Scene 2-
Harry Potter cast/Harry Potter cast, humour. Rating: PG-13
-Act 1, Scene 1-
[Draco and Harry are conviently in a deserted room glaring at each other.]
Draco: I hate you.
Harry: I hate you, too.
[More glaring.]
Draco: Let's screw.
Harry: Okay.
[They screw. Hermione comes in, stops, and stares. Draco and Harry finish.]
Draco: What do you want, Mudblood.
Harry: Don't call her that, Malfoy!
[Draco nips Harry's ear; Harry melts. Hermione sweatdrops.]
Hermione: Actually, I came to find Harry. Ron's waiting for you so you can go to Quidditch practice together.
Harry: Oh, I almost forgot! See you later, Hermione!
[Harry starts to leave, then pauses and glares at Draco.]
Harry: I still hate you, Malfoy.
Draco: Oh, the feeling is mutual, Potter.
[Harry leaves. Hermione stares at Draco; Draco stares at his nails. There is a long silence.]
Hermione: ... I loathe you, Malfoy.
Draco: Do you?
Hermione: Absolutely.
[More silence.]
Draco: Shall we screw, then?
Hermione: Thought you'd never ask.
[They scew.]
-End Scene 1-
-Act 1, Scene 2-
[Harry and Ron are in the Gryffindor locker room. Ron looks upset.]
Ron: I must be the worst Keeper in the history of Quidditch!
Harry: Come on, Ron. You aren't that bad.
Ron: Come off it. Angelina threw the Quaffle straight at me and I still missed it! I'm hopeless...
Harry: I know what would make you feel better.
Ron: What?
Harry: Let's screw.
Ron: What?!
[Silence. Ron stares at Harry.]
Ron: Okay.
[They screw. Afterwards, they get their things and exit. Fred and George enter from opposite side stage.]
Fred: Did you see that, George?
George: I sure did, Fred.
Fred: Our little brother is growing up.
George: I'm so proud.
[They look at each other.]
George: Let's screw.
Fred: Again?
[George tackles Fred. They screw.]
Fred: Doesn't it ever bother you that we screw even though we are twin brothers?
George: Hey, I didn't come up with this pairing. You got a problem, take it up with the writer.
Fred: Oi, Shuu, I thought you weren't into the incest thing!
Shuu's booming voice: I didn't come up with the pairing either. I just write them, I don't make them. Now screw again~!
[There is a sound of a whip cracking. Fred and George screw again.]
-End Act 1, Scene 2-
-Act 2, Scene 1-
[Harry is in Occlumency with Snape.]
Snape: Prepare yourself, Potter!
[Snape begins, Harry frowns, then yells "No!" and pushes back. He sees a memory of Snape's (sidestage).]
Young Severus: I hate you.
Young Remus: I hate you, too.
[They glare at each other.]
Young Remus: Let's screw.
Young Severus: Okay.
[They screw. Flackback starts to fade out.]
Snape: Stop!
[Harry falls backwards. Snape is very red in the face and leaves the room.]
Harry: That was weird... Oh, look. The Penseive.
[Harry bends over Penseive and is dragged into it. He is thrown into another memory. Sirius and James are sitting in the library studying. Severus is a table over, also studying. It is, again, conviently empty.]
Young Sirius: I'm bored.
Young James: Oh?
Young Sirius: Yeah... Hey, look. There's Snape.
[Sirius and James look at each other; James grins wickedly.]
Young James: Oi, Snivelus!
Young Severus: What do you want, Potty?
Young James: Sirius is bored.
Young Severus: And?
Young James: Let's screw.
[Severus stares at him. Sirius just smirks.]
Young Severus: ... Fine.
[They screw. Sirius watches. Scene changes to the lawn. Sirius, James, and Remus are sitting under a tree. Severus is several meters away.]
Young Sirius: I'm bored.
Young James: Oh?
Young Sirius: Yeah... Hey, look. There's Snape.
[Sirius and James look at each other; James grins wickedly. Remus hides behind his book.]
Young James: Oi, Snivelus!
Young Severus: What do you want, Potty?
Young James: Sirius is bored.
Young Severus: And?
[James points his wand at Severus, he flips upside down and dangles in midair.]
Snape: Having fun, Potter?
[Harry jumps. Snape grabs him by his ear and drags him out of the Penseive.]
Snape: OUT! Get OUT!
Harry: Y-yes, Professor!
[Harry leaves. Snape scowles.]
-End Scene 1-
-Act 2, Scene 2-
[Harry is sitting in front of the fireplace with some Floo Powder in his hand.]
Harry: I have to know if my dad was really that mean!
[He throws powder into fire and sticks his head through. His head is then in the kitchen of Sirius's house. Sirius and Remus are at the table playing cards.]
Sirius: Got any three's?
Remus: Go fish.
Harry: Sirius! Professor Lupin!
[Sirius and Remus drop their cards. They stare at Harry's head in the fireplace.]
Sirius: Bloody hell, Harry. What are you doing here?
Harry: I just saw a memory of my dad being awful to Snape!
Remus: ~Professor~ Snape.
Harry: Whatever. I need to know what my dad was really like.
Sirius: Well...
[Flashback forms on side stage. Young Sirius and Young James are conviently alone in the Gryffindor common room.]
Young Sirius: I'm bored.
Young James: So am I.
[Silence.]
Young Sirius: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Young James. Screw?
Young Sirius: Naturally.
[They screw. Flashback fades out.]
Sirius: He was an okay guy.
Remus: We were young and stupid, you know. But we grew out of it.
Sirius: That's right! Your dad was a great man.
Harry: Oh. Okay. Bye, then.
[His head dissapears. Sirius and Remus look at each other.]
Remus: That brought back so many memories...
Sirius: Yeah... Want to screw?
Remus: Of course!
[They screw.]
-End Act 2, Scene 2-
-Act 3, Scene 1-
[Ron and Hermione are conviently alone in the Gryffindor common room.]
Ron: Hermione... I have a confession to make.
Hermione: What is it, Ron?
Ron: I love you.
Hermione: Well it's about time you realised it!
Ron: Hey!
[They look at each other. There is silence. Ron is about three shades darker than his hair.]
Ron: Um...
Hermione: Want to go upstairs?
Ron: I guess, yeah...
[They go upstairs hand in hand, romantic music plays.]
-End Scene 1-
-Act 3, Scene 2-
[Everyone is in the Great Hall, including James and Lily. They are looking around in confusion.]
Sirius: Hey, Shuu, what's going on?
James: Yeah. Why are we all here? I thought I was supposed to be dead.
Lily: Way to remind us, James.
James: Sorry, Love.
Snape: Can we get back to the question? Why are we here?
Shuu's booming voice: The audience demands a big finish.
Draco: A what?
Shuu's booming voice: A big finish. A grand finale.
Fred: Meaning what, exactly?
Shuu's booming voice: Orgy!
[Everyone looks at everyone else. There is silence.]
Shuu's booming voice: Aww, come on. Do it for your fans.
George: Our fans...
James: For our fans!
Everyone: For our fans!
[Everyone screws everyone else in THE BIG SCREW. Fade out.]
~fin~
-End Act 3, Scene 2-