Warning serious rant ahead... dont read unless you care.
I believe I have reached my lowest, mood wise. I just burst into tears because my brother wouldnt give me my keys at the supermarket. I cried like a baby, uncaring if people around me looked at me or not. I feel so tender inside, so vulnerable... I visited a new psycologist... and she recommended a new psychiatrist... I dont care... I just want somebody to tell my damned manager to leave me the hell alone!!! I am tired of crying and feeling like crap, of doing stuff mindlessly, just because he told me to. Of not having a say in anything I do, of having to obey, of not being able to tell him off or smack him silly. Damn it! I want to leave! I want to go away! I should be happy... and I am... I think.
I started school again. I am doing my master's in Global Management. impressive sounding, right? Its actually fun... learning new stuff... I would be just as happy if it were say... archaeology, law, chemistry.. whatever... I need a master's degree... I plan on completing 2 instead of one. its the same 2 years anyway. and they teach me how to actually do stuff. Not just think about them. Which is great!
I also am writing more... I am being more creative... and happy... and horny... ^\\\^ There is nothing I can do about that... I believe I am all hentai. I am even starting to believe I am actually good at it... BTW, yes, I am halfway through chapter 13 in April Madness... kinky parts are always hard they say... ne?
I am not happy with work and never will be.
I am tired of the damned thing... of having people telling me to like other people because they like me first, of my boss pushing me, of having to hear them critizice me over and over, of having to talk to people who just want to scream at me... I know they are letting steam out... but I cant deal with it anymore!!! Dont tell me off! I dont do that to you? Why should you? I always try my best to please and help others... why cant they do the same?
I want to go to karate... but there is nobody to take me! And also... I am so out of shape right now, I look like a fucking circle! I dont want to leave my house anymore! I am tired of people, of living and breathing... of eating and shitting every fucking day. I want to fly, to go, to do different stuff... to the point of being absurd. Let me cry for fucks sake!!! its the only way I know of blowing steam!!! crying!! I hate to do so... but I need to unless you want me to start hitting people, and I mean business....
I am scared... I feel so close to the edge... I have never felt like I do now... I have waited too long before asking for help. and they think I am bluffing... which I am not.
Sara is out of this, she doesnt know anything. She has long work hours and when she is free she needs distractions urgently. Same goes for Vanessa but she must take care of herself and her grandma... they are both too busy with everyday life... Aurie...please... she is completely embedded in her own shit, real or not. She has a wonderful story going strong every day at any time... and I'm the fanfiction writer... sometimes I wonder...*sigh* Kiki... same as me, overworked, sad, lonely... only more stubborn. Who's left? dunno. I am alone. Its in times like these I realize that fact and it hurts. Tere is not an option. I prefer to talk to my dog's ass before asking for her advise. She's biased. Lourdes is in the same boat. I cant agree or disagree... I am tired of feigning, of being just dumb.
I want to be alone, stay alone and not hurt anymore.
I cant say I havent thought about dying... but its not an option right now. There are too many things to do... places to see... people to bug. I feel like crap right now... I want to cry until the tears run dry... until I dont feel anything. I am so tired... It hurts inside... just to be. I want out... please help... its stupid... i konw .. but I cant stand this pain... its eating me inside... its just a feeling but its so big and intense... I dont know where to hide... The tears blur the screen and I close my eyes. it hurts to see what I am writing. I feel naked and exposed right now. as fragile as butterfly's wings... I am serious when I say I dont want to kill myself. The pain is not that deep. My souls' core is intact... I am an action person... so if I wanted to I would be dead already. Instead I am writing about my feelings, to let the pressure out and to be able to see more clearly. I must entrench deep inside my heart, I am very sensitive right now and its not good to be confronted. It will surely make me cry like a baby.. and I dont want them to think I am vulnerable to them. Its not them making me cry... its my own emotions that are betraying me. He is pushing me with his biased attitude, to do things I dont like. I dont know how to be assertive without punishing myself for doing so. I have the right to stand up and say stop it. I just never have... and it hurts because I feel guilty and worthless. As if their rights were better than mine. Not true! I have rights too... no matter how I look, or act. I can be a 300+ overgrown cat who wears glasses and maybe hard to look at, but that doesnt mean I am stupid. Fat is not in the brain, it sticks to everything but that. Ugliness is not a condition of the brain but of the spirit or the body. I am beautiful in spirit, generous and caring. So its not that either. I am a cat because being a woman sucks big time. Women must bow down to the needs of men. Cats dont and wont. So, I am a cat. Proud, independent and regal... but cute. Society measures your worth not only in what you do, where you do it and how... they also measure how you look while doing it. It all comes down to the damned thing called appearance. Appearance and submission. Sure as hell, I aint submissive! I am not gorgeous, so why bother being submissive? You dont like me? FIne! Dont! but dont pretend to mold me to your liking either. I dont do that... so why do it to me! damn it! You know what it means dont kick a man when he's down? I am a clerk for fuck sake! I cant do much else because they wont let me... dont act like I am stupid and only went to high school!!! I know more than you do, pendejo de mierda! You are always so proud of yourself, acting all mighty... when you are just an asslicker who wants to enter the grace of your boss by sacrificing me! I dont like you, guillermo! Not one little tiny bit. But I must work with you... regretfully.
I am so tired of being pushed aside that I am contemplating having the bariatric surgery with the easy one... not the one I like. I want something quick or I want out. I am sick of waiting.
Maybe in my next life it will be easier... yes I believe in a next life... maybe I will have 2 eyes, and I will have a better health... and i will be in a position to stick it up his ass... kinky as it might sound... just thinking about it makes me smile. I am angry and that makes me cry. Screwed, right? I dont give a damn. Just leave me the fuck alone.
PD: By the time you guys read this, I will be feeling better... so, dont worry. and dont call 911 yet... XP
Sara, Vane, Aurie and KIki: I love you guys. I know your lives are busy and hectic. I know you care. You don't have to be there 24/7, I understand. I just felt lonely... ne? You are just a call away... when I can find you. Don't feel bad about anything you read here... these are just feelings and Ideas. Not related to you at all. ok? Good. Nothing said about it.
Tere and lourdes... please take it seriously.
Guillermo? PLEASE DO! TAKE EVERYTHING LITERAL...PLEASE!