Questioning College
I go through these cycles sometimes. It sucks. I get vastly excited about being at Mason, about being in school, about advancing my life. Then I get bored with classes that are too easy, too lazy to try in classes that are kind of hard, and overall fed up with continuing 15 years of schooling. It's just getting boring for the most part.
I get in the mind set that college is a waist of time. I'm doing all this work to get a piece of paper. I'm doing all this crap just to tell people that I can learn really well, so I should get hired. I get in the mind set that I'd rather drop out and just continue working at GameStop (or whereever) and just advance in that job.
I wouldn't mind working my way up the ranks in the GameStop company. I wouldn't mind owning a store of my own and just hangning out and selling games. I could have a good job anywhere in the USA, and I could easily follow Andrew when he had to leave for better pay, or whatever. I honestly wouldn't mind living like that, because in all reality, money does not mean that much to me.
Then I get tired of work, and of school, and revert to straight stoner. I go like this for a while, less than both the other two parts of the cycle. Usually this doesn't last more than a couple days, a week or two at most. But I do feel like I could hold a crap ass job and just chill and I'd be having a better life than the other two options.
Then, after being a straight stoner, I realize I need to get off my ass and do some work and I start enjoying school again for the mental challenge that was lacking while I was just chillin with friends. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know where it comes from. I wish I could just make goals and actually follow through.
I get so tired of the mundane. I get so scared I'm going to live a normal life where I wake up the same days every week, have a normal sleeping schedule, where all the weeks look the same. I do not want that. I cannot take that. I have to do things that are flavorful and fun. I need things to always be fresh and new. I cannot stand doing the same thing for prolonged periods of time, even the funnest thing just gets so goddamn boring.
What's wrong with me?
Right now, all I can think about is work. I just want to work my ass off. I want to be at GameStop selling video games and hanging out with the amazing people that I have met there. It's wierd. I just want them to promote me to manager, and then drop from Mason and ask to be transfered to Orlando. I want to just go live with Andrew and have the two of us start our life together.
I know I won't do any of that, because the one thing that overcomes all my fear about living a mundane life, is my fear of failing. I'll always take the safest path. I always have, and I probably always will. I take the road of least resistance, and for that I'm just like everyone else. I won't drop everything and follow my heart, because it's not practical and I might not be able to make it without my parents nearby.
What's wrong with me? Why am I so scared of rejection? Why am I so scared of everything?
I just want to be happy. I want a family and someone to love. I want to be 10 years down the road already. I want to have my life already set up. I love uncertainty, but I think I like it the way we like rollercoasters. I stll have to be safe in that scary time of not knowing.
I'm such a coward.
I want to be able to decide what I want to do, and still genuinly want to do it when I am almost done. I am not sure what's going to happen down the road, but I know I'll go through this same cycle over and over and over again, just to graduate in 2007 from George Mason University.
Fuck, this sucks.
I get in the mind set that college is a waist of time. I'm doing all this work to get a piece of paper. I'm doing all this crap just to tell people that I can learn really well, so I should get hired. I get in the mind set that I'd rather drop out and just continue working at GameStop (or whereever) and just advance in that job.
I wouldn't mind working my way up the ranks in the GameStop company. I wouldn't mind owning a store of my own and just hangning out and selling games. I could have a good job anywhere in the USA, and I could easily follow Andrew when he had to leave for better pay, or whatever. I honestly wouldn't mind living like that, because in all reality, money does not mean that much to me.
Then I get tired of work, and of school, and revert to straight stoner. I go like this for a while, less than both the other two parts of the cycle. Usually this doesn't last more than a couple days, a week or two at most. But I do feel like I could hold a crap ass job and just chill and I'd be having a better life than the other two options.
Then, after being a straight stoner, I realize I need to get off my ass and do some work and I start enjoying school again for the mental challenge that was lacking while I was just chillin with friends. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know where it comes from. I wish I could just make goals and actually follow through.
I get so tired of the mundane. I get so scared I'm going to live a normal life where I wake up the same days every week, have a normal sleeping schedule, where all the weeks look the same. I do not want that. I cannot take that. I have to do things that are flavorful and fun. I need things to always be fresh and new. I cannot stand doing the same thing for prolonged periods of time, even the funnest thing just gets so goddamn boring.
What's wrong with me?
Right now, all I can think about is work. I just want to work my ass off. I want to be at GameStop selling video games and hanging out with the amazing people that I have met there. It's wierd. I just want them to promote me to manager, and then drop from Mason and ask to be transfered to Orlando. I want to just go live with Andrew and have the two of us start our life together.
I know I won't do any of that, because the one thing that overcomes all my fear about living a mundane life, is my fear of failing. I'll always take the safest path. I always have, and I probably always will. I take the road of least resistance, and for that I'm just like everyone else. I won't drop everything and follow my heart, because it's not practical and I might not be able to make it without my parents nearby.
What's wrong with me? Why am I so scared of rejection? Why am I so scared of everything?
I just want to be happy. I want a family and someone to love. I want to be 10 years down the road already. I want to have my life already set up. I love uncertainty, but I think I like it the way we like rollercoasters. I stll have to be safe in that scary time of not knowing.
I'm such a coward.
I want to be able to decide what I want to do, and still genuinly want to do it when I am almost done. I am not sure what's going to happen down the road, but I know I'll go through this same cycle over and over and over again, just to graduate in 2007 from George Mason University.
Fuck, this sucks.