(no subject)
Out of the loop. June 2, 2009
I did some investigation into that thing I call my life. I realize that a lot of what influences my relationship revolves around outside influence. I was just talking to Steven and i realized that I'm an Ellen Degeneres (even though I hate her humor) in a Carlos Mancia world.
It's odd though, because through further explaination I hear from Steven that "With my family and friends, the dry humor gets old. It seems more and more like you're just being a big bitch than trying to be funny."
I think what it boils down to is...I'm a girl in a man's world. Most of the people we hang around are males. I have noticed this. The few females we have been around found me tolerable at best except for maybe one. And that turned out pretty bad especially since it was kind of an ok point for a while.
I am however a little disturbed by this fact.
Because my humor and personality is not like the loud, vibrant and sometimes repetitious ones around me, i'm a bitch? I am trying to hard? I'm always depressed? I'm holding my boyfriend down?
i also take into consideration, most of the males we hang around are single and wouldn't know how to deal with girlfriend bitchiness if it bit them on the nutsacks and spurred them into puberty. That wasn't me being angry. That was an analogy. Something that if I had said it, would make me a bitch as well.
I realize this is sounding like me bitching and complaining again. I can assure you, I am not. I'm just trying to find a way back to me.
I was quiet, shy, funny and genuine. I wasn't trying to fit in. I wasn't trying to hard. And even as bitchy as I seemed, people loved me for it. And you know when I was at my peak? When I would blog everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Ironic, isn't it?
It wasn't my role-playng that made me interesting. It was my mind and the things I would think and the people that would read it and give me feedback. If I can get back to that, I think I'll be ok.
but then there's the other problem. I mentioned outside influences for a lot of the rutt in my relationship. Well yes, I'm a round peg in a square hole and he's a star shape in an oval in my family. I'd say friends but I don't really have any. I guess now I see why.
The problem with my friendships is that, while by myself, I'm just that sarcastic humor girl and I can be very amusing, unlike Steven's Square (Refer to the above paragraph thing), My friends were the circle shape and eventually, you drop a round peg into that too much and the sides wear away. They took much longer to get tired of my humor. I can see evidence however that most of my friends...and I mean "friends" were never really my friends at all.
Example: Freshman and sophomore year of high school. LH was my friend from elementary school. She went to high school with me. She became friends with MS. MS could not STAND me. She hated me so much. Eventually, because MS realized that she could not completely hang around LH without me hanging around as well, she let go and became my friend.
We liked all the same people, hated all the same people, were disliked by the same people and accepted by all the same people, the three of us were. But when I left school to go to another high school in my junior year, upon my return, half a semester later, I found that former enemies had become friends to LH and MS. People who hated us, loved them, people we hated, they now loved.
I later find that the common thread was not that we as a unit disliked them or they as a unit disliked us. They as a unit disliked me and because MS and LH were my friends, MS and LH went with me instead of them. When I was gone, they got along just fine. Believe me, I was shocked when I returned. And oddly enough, when I tried to get back into the friendship, I didn't fit anymore. They chose their new friends over me. Their new friends would suddenly avoid them or not want to hang around because I was there.
It came to a head when one day MS and LH were trying to talk to some boy LH liked. I was going to follow them to talk to the boy like I'd done before the new friend swap. LH, my initial friend said she wouldn't go if I went with them. That very day, I stopped walking, turned around and went upstairs to class early. I was devastated. My feelings were hurt and I was angry.
The very next day, I was there but I wasn't. I started to withdraw, become quiet. I stuck my face into my journals and notebooks and started going on the internet more. I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings or fantasies. Teachers became my best friends. And the next school year, a new group of people had gravitated toward me. By this time because I had separated myself from my former friends, I'd found out a whole bunch of new things about myself. I didn't like the same music all the time. My friends thought the music I liked was stupid. I didn't want to dress the same or wear my hair the same way. When they would go after school to eat at Burger King like we all used to, I went to the library by myself. When they would stay after school for sports or clubs, I would just go home.
The more I stayed to myself, the more new people gained interest in me. I threw myself into certain activities that didn't involve other people. Some people liked me because of it, others started to hate me. And sure enough, when you act like you're not interested in a scene, others gravitate toward you.
Before we graduated, LH came and started hanging with my circle of friends. She and MS stopped hanging out together so much. LH realized that it took more guts to NOT fit in than to compromise yourself just to make friends. She told me that she was "Proud of me". When we met in elementary school all the way to high school, I was that girl who would do anything to fit in and come out looking like an alien because I was doing it wrong. Now, she said that I wasn't afraid to just look at the people around me and say "fuck you, I'm comfortable."
So as you see, most of the friends I've ever really had were only my friend because they HAD to be my friend. There was someone else involved in the mix why they needed to act like they had some sense and not piss someone off.
this is why finding my boyfriend was a critical point in my life. Someone who liked who I was for who I was, regardless of how backwards, fucked up and derailed I was and still am. And so, when the little hints come about of old times when I feel like I'm being tolerated come around, it bothers me, like it did then. The problem is, I can't retreat like then. i'm head first in it now. So the eternal strugle becomes this.
Do I put myself out of the loop and stay inside my head? Try to get my journal sense going again and end up as one of those people who can never ever let anyone read said journal because I talk about people in it. OR do I retreat to my mind and my boyfriend and family? Where does boyfriend/family and Family/family meet? What if my family won't let me in?
The eternal conflict, that I've been given since birth.
I sure as hell know one thing, I'm gonna introvert the fuck outta myself now. :)
I did some investigation into that thing I call my life. I realize that a lot of what influences my relationship revolves around outside influence. I was just talking to Steven and i realized that I'm an Ellen Degeneres (even though I hate her humor) in a Carlos Mancia world.
It's odd though, because through further explaination I hear from Steven that "With my family and friends, the dry humor gets old. It seems more and more like you're just being a big bitch than trying to be funny."
I think what it boils down to is...I'm a girl in a man's world. Most of the people we hang around are males. I have noticed this. The few females we have been around found me tolerable at best except for maybe one. And that turned out pretty bad especially since it was kind of an ok point for a while.
I am however a little disturbed by this fact.
Because my humor and personality is not like the loud, vibrant and sometimes repetitious ones around me, i'm a bitch? I am trying to hard? I'm always depressed? I'm holding my boyfriend down?
i also take into consideration, most of the males we hang around are single and wouldn't know how to deal with girlfriend bitchiness if it bit them on the nutsacks and spurred them into puberty. That wasn't me being angry. That was an analogy. Something that if I had said it, would make me a bitch as well.
I realize this is sounding like me bitching and complaining again. I can assure you, I am not. I'm just trying to find a way back to me.
I was quiet, shy, funny and genuine. I wasn't trying to fit in. I wasn't trying to hard. And even as bitchy as I seemed, people loved me for it. And you know when I was at my peak? When I would blog everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Ironic, isn't it?
It wasn't my role-playng that made me interesting. It was my mind and the things I would think and the people that would read it and give me feedback. If I can get back to that, I think I'll be ok.
but then there's the other problem. I mentioned outside influences for a lot of the rutt in my relationship. Well yes, I'm a round peg in a square hole and he's a star shape in an oval in my family. I'd say friends but I don't really have any. I guess now I see why.
The problem with my friendships is that, while by myself, I'm just that sarcastic humor girl and I can be very amusing, unlike Steven's Square (Refer to the above paragraph thing), My friends were the circle shape and eventually, you drop a round peg into that too much and the sides wear away. They took much longer to get tired of my humor. I can see evidence however that most of my friends...and I mean "friends" were never really my friends at all.
Example: Freshman and sophomore year of high school. LH was my friend from elementary school. She went to high school with me. She became friends with MS. MS could not STAND me. She hated me so much. Eventually, because MS realized that she could not completely hang around LH without me hanging around as well, she let go and became my friend.
We liked all the same people, hated all the same people, were disliked by the same people and accepted by all the same people, the three of us were. But when I left school to go to another high school in my junior year, upon my return, half a semester later, I found that former enemies had become friends to LH and MS. People who hated us, loved them, people we hated, they now loved.
I later find that the common thread was not that we as a unit disliked them or they as a unit disliked us. They as a unit disliked me and because MS and LH were my friends, MS and LH went with me instead of them. When I was gone, they got along just fine. Believe me, I was shocked when I returned. And oddly enough, when I tried to get back into the friendship, I didn't fit anymore. They chose their new friends over me. Their new friends would suddenly avoid them or not want to hang around because I was there.
It came to a head when one day MS and LH were trying to talk to some boy LH liked. I was going to follow them to talk to the boy like I'd done before the new friend swap. LH, my initial friend said she wouldn't go if I went with them. That very day, I stopped walking, turned around and went upstairs to class early. I was devastated. My feelings were hurt and I was angry.
The very next day, I was there but I wasn't. I started to withdraw, become quiet. I stuck my face into my journals and notebooks and started going on the internet more. I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings or fantasies. Teachers became my best friends. And the next school year, a new group of people had gravitated toward me. By this time because I had separated myself from my former friends, I'd found out a whole bunch of new things about myself. I didn't like the same music all the time. My friends thought the music I liked was stupid. I didn't want to dress the same or wear my hair the same way. When they would go after school to eat at Burger King like we all used to, I went to the library by myself. When they would stay after school for sports or clubs, I would just go home.
The more I stayed to myself, the more new people gained interest in me. I threw myself into certain activities that didn't involve other people. Some people liked me because of it, others started to hate me. And sure enough, when you act like you're not interested in a scene, others gravitate toward you.
Before we graduated, LH came and started hanging with my circle of friends. She and MS stopped hanging out together so much. LH realized that it took more guts to NOT fit in than to compromise yourself just to make friends. She told me that she was "Proud of me". When we met in elementary school all the way to high school, I was that girl who would do anything to fit in and come out looking like an alien because I was doing it wrong. Now, she said that I wasn't afraid to just look at the people around me and say "fuck you, I'm comfortable."
So as you see, most of the friends I've ever really had were only my friend because they HAD to be my friend. There was someone else involved in the mix why they needed to act like they had some sense and not piss someone off.
this is why finding my boyfriend was a critical point in my life. Someone who liked who I was for who I was, regardless of how backwards, fucked up and derailed I was and still am. And so, when the little hints come about of old times when I feel like I'm being tolerated come around, it bothers me, like it did then. The problem is, I can't retreat like then. i'm head first in it now. So the eternal strugle becomes this.
Do I put myself out of the loop and stay inside my head? Try to get my journal sense going again and end up as one of those people who can never ever let anyone read said journal because I talk about people in it. OR do I retreat to my mind and my boyfriend and family? Where does boyfriend/family and Family/family meet? What if my family won't let me in?
The eternal conflict, that I've been given since birth.
I sure as hell know one thing, I'm gonna introvert the fuck outta myself now. :)