begin.
*note: if this journal is of any interest to you...maybe if you can relate to this...if you want to become friends...if you want to correspond...send me a comment...i'll be sure to answer. so, are you in or out?*
it's not to say that i am not aware of my weaknesses and wrong-doings. it's not to say that i am not consumed by guilt and the constant epiphany that i am evil in many ways. i am aware of my insecurities and jealousies. i am fully aware of the fact that i strive for attention. however, everyday of my life i try to turn this tide. i am always trying to keep the ones i love alive and well. i am always striving for something better and yet those i love most, those consume me with their faults and greater qualities alike, want me to change. i can't help but feel that what they want me to become is a regression into myself. they want me to hide myself away from the world i know and love into a dark, secretive, lonely realm. i feel myself losing grip of what i once was and am now nameless and faceless, far from home.
i attempt to keep things positive. i listen to those who need to be listened to and often times find myself drowning in my own dramas, my own trials and tribulations that i have to throw out and as much as i wish for them to melt away and disappear completely, they cannot go unnoticed. this can be defined as self-absorbed and self-pitying. we are all self-absorbed and self-pitying. the only difference between each one of us is how much of our revelations we decide to share and how much we decide to hide away.
to those i listen to, i rarely share. to those who don't express themselves, i unknowingly vent my hardships, partially in hopes that i may start a two way sharing. unfortunately, contrary to these very hopes, i merely come out as a seemingly pretentious, overly-complaining idiot. those i love bash me. they crucify me for my attempts and follow these hurtful monologues with candy-coatings; compliments that contradict their earlier abuses.
i choose to not fight back for fear of further complications and privately sift through my issues, choosing to allot the more trite ones. i leave any assumptions and faults i find in others and weep about them in silence out of frustration. these faults i find in those i love stay locked away, slowly festering in my being. i may never share these issues. i do not want to hurt them, if i haven't already. if i have, i do not wish to cause them anymore pain.
still, i make mistakes, blinded by my need for happiness which is instantly presumed as selfishness and all the sacrifice and effort i poured into my earlier attempts at love are buried away and never brought up again unless i uncover them from time to time in a fruitless effort to defend myself. still, what i bring up again is translated as a travesty. as idiocy. only those actions that are plain to the eyes that surround me are noticed. actions speak more than words and talk is cheap, but no one ever gives importance to deep-rooted emotions and conflicts.
my faith in many things is failing, including myself, and as much as i would rather not hide away and keep secrets, as much as i don't want to keep myself away from all that was my former world, this is what i choose.
i hope this curbs the beast.
i hope this makes people happy...
because that is my ultimate goal.
i am not a coward. i simply want to keep the peace.
i must convince myself that i am stronger than all of this.