wobbling around
I'm procrastinating on my assignment due Wednesday and Puffy has stolen my desk chair.
I don't mind much, cause I'm still in the pen and paper draft stage and I have a large, canary yellow legal pad with my notes, the sheet with the questions, and apparently that's all I need to write 500 words to write a critical analysis on a documentary on the rise of the Enigma Machine. 500 words, just as we've started the course. And most of us aren't history students; actually I think you can't be a history student to take it, or at least this code of the course since it's an elective.
I'm thinking that maybe switching to the canary legal pad will help get over the slight writng block I have with Insoden. I also still feel guilty with not updating all my comics. I want to update!!! Why don't I? What's stopping me? Why do I wait for *the muses* to wake up, for the *characters* to wake up? Why not wake them up myself?
I dropped a class. I was going to finish all my electives this term. But the bad panic attacks started coming back again. I hate them. And I don't know whether it's my meds, my grief from Nibbles dying, seasonal depression, or some sort of anemia thing. Or whether I should go back to the spiritual counselling again. THE PANIC ATTACKS WENT AWAY when I started my migraine meds, is what gets me.
But now I can feel it in my chest, and I know it. It wants to drag me down, and it will if I let it. Some moments it pulls, and I just have to breathe, count, try to ground myself. Sometimes I have to bite myself, not hard, not breaking the skin, just enough to feel it, to feel my body again, because otherwise it'll sweep me off and try to drag me under.
I don't know whether it's related or not, but the scratching is off and on worse too. Since about grade six, I've scratched and picked at blemishes on my skin. My shoulders and back are covered with little white scars. My youth group leader thought I had been attacked by bugs! When I had problems with dandruff, I'd scratch it until my scalp was bleeding and sore. I even pull on my eyelashes and eyebrows. When my skin is clear, it's less of a problem (except for the lashes and brows), and when I'm having anxiety issues, I tend to scratch at any area, even none blemish, or usual my usual obsessive scratch/picking areas, and/or I'll do it more. It's a combination of I don't like the blemishes being there, and it being an unconscious thing, and once I'm doing it, I can't stop, not easily, I HAVE to do it.
It's pretty much the reason why in late high school, and during university, I wore bandaids on my back and face. And why Raniground is drawn with bandaids on his face. Cause I wore them.
And I looked it up. Apparently there is such a thing as Obsessive Compulsive Skin Picking. And funny enough, I already do half of the recommended supports for it. However, cause it's a new dx and fairly unknown, there's no peer support group nearby. Yay! Maybe I'll swing by one of the online groups. I'm a fairly mild case, I think, but it's nice to not be alone, you know. Though I'm a bit concerned with where I'm picking right now: my neck. Not a good place to get too deep at.
I tried painting a bit. Even the dollar store has canvas these days, and I'm kinda feeling like not being picky. I have walls to try and cover, and if it's abstract and I don't like it, I can always try to sell it someday. But I have a massive canvas on five nails over my couch, waiting to be painted. I thought I knew what I was going to paint on it, so I brought it down, rearranging my furniture and everything (reminds me, got to bring in my AC; probably going to turn it into a side table for the winter cause it maybe/might/won't fit in my closets), and then changed my mind to something else that will take much more paint than what I have. So back up it goes.
Wow, what a post. And I was just coming on here to show everyone my notes for history class.
This is what I wrote when I posted this on tumblr:
"Some of my history notes. My favourite part is the "cause SCIENCE" and "RELATIONS shenanigans". However, we're being marked on language and grammar, so I don't think the prof would appreciate my candour.
(And yes, I was taking notes off a video; these are good notes for me, when I have the luxury to stop, pause, repeat. In a regular lecture, I don't have that luxury, usually, though Disability Studies profs are very good about pacing and repeating what they said. But there are reasons why I use a note taker; this level of note-taking is generally impossible for me in a typical classroom and lecture)"
Anyways, back to my assignment!