My view of the future
WARNING!!! TAKING OVER THE FLIST IN FIVE. FOUR. THREE. TWO. ONE!
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There comes a time in everyone's life when you stop and wonder what the hell you're doing. In university, we do this often, especially when in essay season. Especially when you're in arts, and wondering whether at least four years of torture is really worth a piece of paper with shiny stamping. Of course, it's not just about that piece of paper; it's also about what you do after you get that piece of paper. Do you spend another four years of torture to get another piece of paper, for the official boasting rights that you're a MASTER or a Doctor, and isn't that cool? Supposedly then, you're smarter than everyone else, when really it means you put up with academic torture and argue yourself out of a paper box.
Never mind how much MONEY you spent on those pieces of paper, and the cost of framing them. My brother has two undergraduate degrees, from two different universities, and both he received within five years, tops. He saved up from his summer jobs, and penny-pinched every dollar, and he got through university without a loan or student debits. Paying for university can be tough when you're not applicable for OSAP.
Me? I'm a dependent. My education has come out of the pockets of my parents for four years now, including special assistive technology and medical problems. During one of our fights, my mom brought out a list of the estimates of how much my brother and I each have cost to get through school. My total is higher, cause I've been told all through school not to bother with getting a job, that my parents will take care of it and all I had to worry about is getting the marks. That doesn't erase the overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame, especially when I look back at my marks and when the English department tells me I have two more years at least in order to graduate.
It doesn't help when my parents tell me that they can only pay for one more year of my education.
So the facts: I have two more years of school, at least. I don't have the money for that long. Therefore, I must either graduate in the next year, or find a job.
Considering that I want my masters, if for nothing more than to prove to the jerks who first diagnosed my brother and I that we can make something of ourselves. Yes, this is my revenge. My revenge against the doctors that overlooked my brother and I, dismissed my mother, and against the bullies, both in the schoolyard and in the classroom. To me, those pieces of paper is proof that two ADHD, LD and autistic kids can learn how to read, can go to regular school, and can take whatever the world throws at us and still be standing.
So I need to support myself for at least five more years of school (oh god!). Which means I have a few choices.
The most unlikely one is for me to completely quit school and enter the work force. I imagine that's a quick ticket to being completely miserable. Never mind that it's defenestrating all the hard work I've done in the past four years.
The second least likely is for me to accept a general degree, and graduate quickly. It's an actual valid option I could take, should I not be so stubborn. This opens up a few sub-options, such as getting a job, taking college classes and continuing in creative writing, either part time writing, or studying by taking make-up classes at UNB (something I'm looking into, my master's degree). I'm trying to save this one as my last resort. A sub-option in this is to switch schools, to see whether I can get into UNB, who has a creative writing undergrad. I'm not totally sure on the process with this one.
The third and fourth options are what's got me thrown. It's a possibility that I can become a co-op student. The way that works at Laurier is that a co-op student does regular classes, and the work term is in the summer. Problem with this plan is that the instructions for applying for co-op says it's for second year students. So I might not actually have that option. [edit] Just got a responding email: application for co-op is only for second year students[/edit] Which would leave(s) my fourth option: taking a year off to work. Since I already have an apartment set aside for me, and I know what classes I need to take right now, I'm thinking of taking another year, and then taking a year off to work, whether that'll be in Kingston or Waterloo.
The debate is leaning towards Kingston, cause while I love Waterloo and all the friends it's given me, Kingston is closer to home and has less question marks in the corners of my mental maps.
Waterloo: I love the school, SKiffy and all the people here (SKiffy: the other alternative nightlife). If I stayed here, I'd have to ask where I'd stay (default: my uncle's), and what I'll do. Yes, I think businesses in Waterloo would be more open to a student wandering in for a year. I also like the bus system here; it beats what Kingston has in terms of public transportation, and there's more variety in goods in this city (I think I'll attribute that to being so close to Toronto), not to mention the alternative nightlife. In terms of socializing, there's more here for me. Also, there's the chance to work with an autistic boy in the Son Rise Program (he's so adorably cute!), if they still want me. (I feel bad about that)
My dad has suggested that I use the apartment next year to stay in Waterloo and look for work. It's a nice thought, and something I've thought of already. Assuming I do find a job, I live close by to the school, so I can still socialize with my school friends. I imagine that the job would leave me exhausted, as does school. I'd be as exhausted with a job as I am with classes, the plus side would be no homework, or at least not the same kind of homework (oh paperwork). This might leave me with more time for art, which is a nice thought, and fairly therapeutic. Sometimes, however, it's just a band-aid over a much larger wound. I'm beginning to recognize that I'm awfully homesick, for a home I'm not sure still exists. People and places have a habit of changing when you're not looking, distorting the memory in your head. While I'd like to stay here, I understand that my lifestyle here is not very stable. Besides, it's awkward setting up the big canvases that I want to paint in these apartments.
Kingston: Family. Other than the sleep clinic, all my doctors are in Kingston. Sure, I'm not as socially active in Kingston as I am in Waterloo (which resulted in my complete reliance on the internet during first year), but there's a sense of security here. Yeah, I know my parents and I have many differences of opinion, and only now are they starting to full recognize my writing and art skills, and I'm sure that we'll drive each other crazy more than once. For this to work, my parents will have to give me some room to adjust, and to allow that I have my own pace, which won't be easy for them. It seems like stepping backwards, going back home. I'm so used to setting my own times, getting up and about at my own pace and learning independence.
However, I'm feeling a little lost. As much as I love academic community in Waterloo, I'm feeling a little homesick. There have been times where I've been terrified that I really have no home, and am doomed to wander, never settling down. While it's romantically attractive to the freedom of that lifestyle, I recognize that I cannot maintain it. I do need some stable location to call home, a base of operations, a place that's mine. Kingston would allow me that, I think. I know the businesses, the organizations, the flow of life in the city. And I miss the limestone walls, the constant lake-effect and dying hurricanes, the wild lilacs and irises. I miss going to church regularly, to a church that knows me and welcomes me in, accepts all my quirks and eccentricities as God's blessings and is actually there for all the ups and downs. Every once in a while, the chaos needs to be balanced. In Kingston, I think that I'll have room to draw, paint, start up writing, maybe take a college course and do some volunteer work. Maybe there's another equally adorable kid in Kingston waiting for me.
That, and I want to be closer to my adopted family. I have a friend and an "older sister" whose babies are due this August (I can't believe Lindsay didn't tell us till now!), and while I'll miss their births, I want to be a part of their lives, even for a little bit.
So I've more or less decided. And so all the worry about all the little details come swarming back and I'm forced to remind myself that nothing is carved in stone.
First, I finish this essay. And I fill out my cross-registration (just in case) and pick out my classes and study for my exam. I ask the registar about taking a year off. I inform the clubs. And I get ready for vacation and cleaning up here. I'm not gone yet.
---
There comes a time in everyone's life when you stop and wonder what the hell you're doing. In university, we do this often, especially when in essay season. Especially when you're in arts, and wondering whether at least four years of torture is really worth a piece of paper with shiny stamping. Of course, it's not just about that piece of paper; it's also about what you do after you get that piece of paper. Do you spend another four years of torture to get another piece of paper, for the official boasting rights that you're a MASTER or a Doctor, and isn't that cool? Supposedly then, you're smarter than everyone else, when really it means you put up with academic torture and argue yourself out of a paper box.
Never mind how much MONEY you spent on those pieces of paper, and the cost of framing them. My brother has two undergraduate degrees, from two different universities, and both he received within five years, tops. He saved up from his summer jobs, and penny-pinched every dollar, and he got through university without a loan or student debits. Paying for university can be tough when you're not applicable for OSAP.
Me? I'm a dependent. My education has come out of the pockets of my parents for four years now, including special assistive technology and medical problems. During one of our fights, my mom brought out a list of the estimates of how much my brother and I each have cost to get through school. My total is higher, cause I've been told all through school not to bother with getting a job, that my parents will take care of it and all I had to worry about is getting the marks. That doesn't erase the overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame, especially when I look back at my marks and when the English department tells me I have two more years at least in order to graduate.
It doesn't help when my parents tell me that they can only pay for one more year of my education.
So the facts: I have two more years of school, at least. I don't have the money for that long. Therefore, I must either graduate in the next year, or find a job.
Considering that I want my masters, if for nothing more than to prove to the jerks who first diagnosed my brother and I that we can make something of ourselves. Yes, this is my revenge. My revenge against the doctors that overlooked my brother and I, dismissed my mother, and against the bullies, both in the schoolyard and in the classroom. To me, those pieces of paper is proof that two ADHD, LD and autistic kids can learn how to read, can go to regular school, and can take whatever the world throws at us and still be standing.
So I need to support myself for at least five more years of school (oh god!). Which means I have a few choices.
The most unlikely one is for me to completely quit school and enter the work force. I imagine that's a quick ticket to being completely miserable. Never mind that it's defenestrating all the hard work I've done in the past four years.
The second least likely is for me to accept a general degree, and graduate quickly. It's an actual valid option I could take, should I not be so stubborn. This opens up a few sub-options, such as getting a job, taking college classes and continuing in creative writing, either part time writing, or studying by taking make-up classes at UNB (something I'm looking into, my master's degree). I'm trying to save this one as my last resort. A sub-option in this is to switch schools, to see whether I can get into UNB, who has a creative writing undergrad. I'm not totally sure on the process with this one.
The third and fourth options are what's got me thrown. It's a possibility that I can become a co-op student. The way that works at Laurier is that a co-op student does regular classes, and the work term is in the summer. Problem with this plan is that the instructions for applying for co-op says it's for second year students. So I might not actually have that option. [edit] Just got a responding email: application for co-op is only for second year students[/edit] Which would leave(s) my fourth option: taking a year off to work. Since I already have an apartment set aside for me, and I know what classes I need to take right now, I'm thinking of taking another year, and then taking a year off to work, whether that'll be in Kingston or Waterloo.
The debate is leaning towards Kingston, cause while I love Waterloo and all the friends it's given me, Kingston is closer to home and has less question marks in the corners of my mental maps.
Waterloo: I love the school, SKiffy and all the people here (SKiffy: the other alternative nightlife). If I stayed here, I'd have to ask where I'd stay (default: my uncle's), and what I'll do. Yes, I think businesses in Waterloo would be more open to a student wandering in for a year. I also like the bus system here; it beats what Kingston has in terms of public transportation, and there's more variety in goods in this city (I think I'll attribute that to being so close to Toronto), not to mention the alternative nightlife. In terms of socializing, there's more here for me. Also, there's the chance to work with an autistic boy in the Son Rise Program (he's so adorably cute!), if they still want me. (I feel bad about that)
My dad has suggested that I use the apartment next year to stay in Waterloo and look for work. It's a nice thought, and something I've thought of already. Assuming I do find a job, I live close by to the school, so I can still socialize with my school friends. I imagine that the job would leave me exhausted, as does school. I'd be as exhausted with a job as I am with classes, the plus side would be no homework, or at least not the same kind of homework (oh paperwork). This might leave me with more time for art, which is a nice thought, and fairly therapeutic. Sometimes, however, it's just a band-aid over a much larger wound. I'm beginning to recognize that I'm awfully homesick, for a home I'm not sure still exists. People and places have a habit of changing when you're not looking, distorting the memory in your head. While I'd like to stay here, I understand that my lifestyle here is not very stable. Besides, it's awkward setting up the big canvases that I want to paint in these apartments.
Kingston: Family. Other than the sleep clinic, all my doctors are in Kingston. Sure, I'm not as socially active in Kingston as I am in Waterloo (which resulted in my complete reliance on the internet during first year), but there's a sense of security here. Yeah, I know my parents and I have many differences of opinion, and only now are they starting to full recognize my writing and art skills, and I'm sure that we'll drive each other crazy more than once. For this to work, my parents will have to give me some room to adjust, and to allow that I have my own pace, which won't be easy for them. It seems like stepping backwards, going back home. I'm so used to setting my own times, getting up and about at my own pace and learning independence.
However, I'm feeling a little lost. As much as I love academic community in Waterloo, I'm feeling a little homesick. There have been times where I've been terrified that I really have no home, and am doomed to wander, never settling down. While it's romantically attractive to the freedom of that lifestyle, I recognize that I cannot maintain it. I do need some stable location to call home, a base of operations, a place that's mine. Kingston would allow me that, I think. I know the businesses, the organizations, the flow of life in the city. And I miss the limestone walls, the constant lake-effect and dying hurricanes, the wild lilacs and irises. I miss going to church regularly, to a church that knows me and welcomes me in, accepts all my quirks and eccentricities as God's blessings and is actually there for all the ups and downs. Every once in a while, the chaos needs to be balanced. In Kingston, I think that I'll have room to draw, paint, start up writing, maybe take a college course and do some volunteer work. Maybe there's another equally adorable kid in Kingston waiting for me.
That, and I want to be closer to my adopted family. I have a friend and an "older sister" whose babies are due this August (I can't believe Lindsay didn't tell us till now!), and while I'll miss their births, I want to be a part of their lives, even for a little bit.
So I've more or less decided. And so all the worry about all the little details come swarming back and I'm forced to remind myself that nothing is carved in stone.
First, I finish this essay. And I fill out my cross-registration (just in case) and pick out my classes and study for my exam. I ask the registar about taking a year off. I inform the clubs. And I get ready for vacation and cleaning up here. I'm not gone yet.