The Art of Blackmailing
Title: The Art of Blackmailing (AO3)
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author:neko-fish
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Summary: In which Leonard realizes that being in a relationship with Jim Kirk is anything but normal. Modern day college AU. Follows Riddle Me This.
Warnings: Crack, blackmailing, mentions of paraphilias, possible product placement
“Text!”
He fishes his phone out of his pocket and reads his newest message.
16:25, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Just so you know, I’m blackmailing you for sex.
Leonard stops walking in the middle of the hallway causing the poor person behind him to nearly run into him. It’s been over two weeks since the ‘riddle incident’ and he’s on his way to Jim’s dorm when he gets the message. Baffled and confused, he doesn’t bother sending a reply. Instead, he makes his way to their room to find Jim lounging on the couch.
At his noisy entrance, Jim immediately looks over and greets him with a bright smile on his lips, “Hey, Bones. How was class?”
The casualness only serves to baffle him further. He furrows his brows and answers, “Class was fine. You just sent me a text-that was you, right?” He’s not sure how he’d react if it turns out Jim had meant to send it to someone else.
Blue eyes blink for a moment then Jim perks up and nods. “Oh, that. Yeah, that was me. What about it?”
His brain feels like it’s about to explode he’s so confused. “What do you mean ‘what about it?’ Am I missing something here? Why’d you send me this?”
Jim arches a brow at him like he’s the one going crazy. “It’s just like I said. I’m blackmailing you for sex. Come on, Bones, it’s not like I wrote you an essay. The least you can do is read it,” he says, like it’s all self-explanatory.
That doesn’t answer any of his questions at all.
They’ve been going out for weeks now and have been best friends for years, and he still can’t figure out how Jim Kirk’s brain works. “Okay, so you’re supposedly blackmailing me for sex. And what exactly are you blackmailing me with?”
“I’m not sure yet,” Jim tells him as though it wasn’t an essential part of blackmailing people. “Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out. You need to stop worrying about every little thing, Bones, or you’ll end up giving yourself an aneurysm.” Then he pats the empty spot next to him. “Now, come over here and join me. There are excellent cartoons on that are waiting to be watched.”
Realizing that he won’t be getting any answers from Jim, Leonard shrugs and does just that.
--
“So Jim’s blackmailing me for sex, apparently.”
Spock arches an eyebrow, glances at him, doesn’t say anything at all, and then turns back to his work.
It’s not nerve-racking at all.
He doesn’t know why he’s telling Spock of all people. But the guy’s Jim’s other best friend and the most logical person on campus, so maybe he can provide some insight as to why this is happening. “Spock?”
They’re sitting in the student lounge in the engineering building and Spock’s doing some sort of assignment that involves symbols he doesn’t recognize. Considering how the guy’s pretty much getting every degree available at Starfleet University, Leonard’s not even going to try to guess what he’s working on.
Finally, Spock stops writing and looks up from whatever he’s doing. “What is the nature of the material he is blackmailing you with?”
“I have no idea. He hasn’t figured it out yet, apparently.”
Spock shoots him a disapproving look like he’s the one at fault here. “Do you know the reason why he is blackmailing you?”
Leonard scowls. “For sex? I don’t know! All he sent me was a one-liner! If I knew why and how he was doing this, I wouldn’t be sitting here asking you about it, now would I?”
“I suppose that is logical,” Spock concedes with a nod. “I would advise you to bear in mind that this is Jim and his motives are often unsystematic and unpredictable.”
“If you don’t know, you can just say ‘I don’t know,’ you know?” he grumbles.
“It is Jim,” Spock says with a tone of finality as though he just solved all the mysteries in the world.
He wishes Nyota was here. She’d probably be able to come up with something a little more insightful than ‘it’s Jim.’ But then again, it’s partly his own fault for thinking it’d be a good idea to consult Spock about this in the first place.
Suddenly, his phone vibrates and Jim’s voice can be heard singing his rendition of the first movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
“Sulu-lu-lu! Is calling you, Bones! I think you should really pick it up! I seriously think you should pick it up! Pick up your phone, Bones! Pick up your phone, Bones! Pick up your phone, right, now!”
“Sulu-lu-lu!-”
Of all the ringtones Jim recorded on his phone, this one’s his favourite. Maybe it’s because it actually sounds like a ringtone with a recognizable tune, or maybe it’s just the way Jim sings ‘Sulu-lu-lu’.
“Hello? Alright, I’ll see you guys in the mess. Bye.” He turns to Spock who’s gone back to whatever he’s working on. “I’m meeting Sulu and Chekov for lunch, you want to come with?”
Spock shakes his head and doesn’t look up from his work. “Although I appreciate the offer, I regret to inform you that I have already made prior arrangements with Nyota to dine at the new restaurant that opened up last week.”
“‘Thanks but no thanks’ would’ve sufficed,” he mutters.
“Very well. 'Thanks but no thanks,'” Spock says.
“Wow, Spock, you sounded almost human there.” Leonard rolls his eyes and gets up. “Say hi to Nyota for me and let me know on a scale of one to ten, with one being a trip to the hospital and ten being culinary heaven, how the restaurant is later.”
“I will endeavor to give you the most accurate rating.”
He gives a slow nod, remembering the ridiculous number he got last time he asked Spock to rate something. “I’m sure you will. How about you try to round it to the nearest hundredth this time?”
And that’s that.
--
Leonard passes his phone over to the pair with Jim’s message opened. “What do you guys make of this?”
Hikaru and Pavel both blink and spend a good minute just staring at the message. Then Pavel looks up with guileless eyes and suggests, “Maybe it is his time of the month.”
He stifles a sigh and the urge to facepalm. It’s been weeks since he made that joke and somehow, it still hasn’t blown over. He looks over at Hikaru who shrugs in a way that says ‘Don’t look at me, man. You’re the one who made the joke, and you’re the one in pre-med, so you explain it to him.’
Glaring at Hikaru, he considers it for a moment and decides that it’d probably be best for Pavel to learn about this from someone who actually knows what he’s talking about. But before he can launch his ‘only women can menstruate’ lecture, Pavel laughs. “I am just kidding. I got you, yes? You and Hikaru looked very worried. It’s okay. Jim has already explained everything to me.”
The relief only lasts a moment before it’s replaced with suspicion because Jim can’t be trusted to explain serious things to anyone. “Everything? What exactly did he tell you, kid?”
Eager to please, Pavel starts reciting everything Jim told him, “He said that it is very rare for men but it can happen to some people. He also said that it’s ‘no joke’ because the cramps are very painful and the mood swings are very bad so I should be nice to you and give you chocolates if you look upset.”
“Jim said you should be nice to me when-? Is that why you gave me that chocolate bar last week? You thought I was-?”
He’s going to kill Jim.
“Yes, I hope you felt better after?” Pavel asks with a bright smile on his face.
Leonard doesn’t answer. He’s too busy coming up with different ways to murder Jim without getting caught. Hikaru’s biting down on his lower lip to stop himself from laughing. The kid’s never ending trust in Jim’s adorable and he looks so hopeful that Leonard can’t be bring himself to correct him-not right now anyway. He has more pressing things to deal with. “Uhh…sure, kid. Thanks for that. Tell you what, I’m going to lend you my Bio 101 and Health Sci 101 textbooks the next time I see you, and you better read the whole thing, okay?”
Pavel agrees to it happily enough.
“So Jim’s blackmailing you for sex,” Hikaru says, getting back on topic.
He nods, glad to diverge from the topic of male menstruation. “That’s what it looks like.”
“Does he know you guys are going out?”
The question makes him look up in thought. “I thought he knew, but I’m not so sure anymore. Just wait, let me ask.” He pulls out his phone and sends Jim a message.
12:37, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Are you aware that we’re dating?-as in, a monogamous relationship?
12:37, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Yeah, of course. Why? What’s up?
12:38, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Nothing. Just checking. Define monogamy for me.
12:38, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Social, sexual, genetic, or martial monogamy?
12:39, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Whichever you think applies to us.
12:40, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Social monogamy: two people living together and providing for each other’s basic needs.
Sexual monogamy: two people being sexually exclusive with each other.
Marital monogamy: a marriage of only two people.
12:40, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
And of course, genetic monogamy: two people only having offspring with each other.
12:40, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
What? Why ‘of course’?
12:40, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
I’d have your babies anytime, Bones. ;)
Leonard looks up. “Looks like he knows.”
“Huh,” Hikaru says unhelpfully and turns back to his lunch. “Well, it’s Jim. Maybe blackmailing is just a normal part of being in a relationship for him.” Then he repeats with heavy emphasis, “It’s Jim.”
And this, he decides, is why he generally turns to women for relationship advice.
--
“Text!”
13:55, S. Spock to L. McCoy:
7.38 ± 0.005
--
There’s someone shaking him and talking in his ear. “Bones, wake up. It’s morning. I’m going soon.”
“And I care why?” He groans and turns away, refusing to open his eyes. Jim really should know better than to talk to him in the morning without a proper reason. And as far as he’s concerned, proper reasons include and are mostly limited to medical or family emergencies, fires, and tsunamis. Earthquakes, floods, alien attacks and a surprise invasion from Canada failed to make the list.
“Because I’ve got a lab party after class today and I won’t see you until tomorrow so the least you can do is give me a kiss goodbye,” Jim tells him.
It’s a normal occurrence for engineering students to be stuck in the lab for an inhumane amount of time in order to work on projects and assignments. The engineering labs are also the only places on campus where it’s impossible to get any reception. With no food or drinks allowed, no windows, and no phone reception, the students sit there hungry and isolated from the world for however long and usually leave looking half-dead from breathing recycled air. The last time Jim had a lab party, he spent three days in the lab and Leonard, being the amazing friend he is, literally had to carry him back to his dorm.
“S’only ‘til tomorrow?” Leonard slurs, cracking open an eye.
Jim’s looming over him with a solemn expression on his face. “Yeah, we got most of it done during the week. But if I don’t survive this lab party, promise me you’ll cremate me, okay? Then eat my ashes with your grits or whatever so we can be one forever.”
That wakes him up and sends shivers down his back. It feels like he just awoke to a nightmare as opposed to from. He scowls and looks up. “Jesus Christ, Jim, do you have to be so creepy first thing in the morning?”
“I’m being serious, Bones!”
“I know you are! That’s what makes it so creepy! You’re not going to die because of a one-day lab party. I’ll come by tomorrow with pizza, okay?” he offers, hoping it’ll make Jim go away so he can get back to sleep.
“You’re the best, Bones.” Jim kisses him. “I promise I’ll serenade you and buy you enough beer to bathe in.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Leonard grumbles. As much as he loves the guy, Jim really needs to disappear somewhere or just stop talking.
“And don’t forget I’m still blackmailing you.”
He makes a noncommittal grunt.
Because Jim is a persistent pest when he wants to be, he deliberately doesn’t take the hint to leave. “Bones?”
Leonard waves him off. “Haven’t forgotten. Go away.”
“I’m blackmailing you for sex,” Jim reminds him.
“Yeah. For sex. Now go away before I rupture your spleen with my fist.”
Jim laughs and gives him another kiss. “Love you too, Bones.” The kiss isn’t unwelcomed, but the words that follow are. “So, about that pizza-”
He feels immensely pleased with himself when he feels his pillow come into contact with Jim’s face.
--
Christine raises a brow when he tells her in class later that day. “For sex? And neither of you know what he’s blackmailing you with?” She starts laughing. “Well, it sounds like your relationship’s progressing smoothly.”
“In what universe does blackmailing someone you’re in a relationship with for sex count as ‘progressing smoothly’?” Leonard asks with an incredulous look on his face.
She shrugs. “I’m not and have never dated either of you, so how should I know? I just figured one of you have a thing for the whole blackmailing and sexual exploitation scene. You know, paraphilias and whatnot. It happens.”
“No, I do not get off on being blackmailed or sexually exploited,” he tells her, suddenly feeling the need to take a shower. And considering how they haven’t had sex since the whole blackmailing incident, he’s pretty sure it’s safe to assume that Jim doesn’t have a blackmail fetish either.
“Yeah, you look more like you’d be into BDSM,” Christine mutters to herself, “or role-playing.”
Leonard’s eyes widen. “Excuse me?”
Ignoring him, she continues, “But then again, you guys have only started going out a couple weeks ago. The sex can’t get boring that quickly, especially not with all the stories I’ve heard about Jim’s sexual prowess.”
“BDSM or role-playing, Christine?” he repeats. Saying it out loud doesn’t help at all because the image has been firmly planted inside his head now. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve asked you this and it definitely won’t be the last, but why are we friends again?”
“Because we’re compatible as friends and we make excellent lab partners, Leonard,” she tells him as though nothing could be more obvious. “You get to complain to me about Jim, and I get to complain to you about Roger. You get to tell me about all the dangers around me and all the diseases you think I can catch and die from at any given moment, and I get to tell you about all the paraphilias I think you and Jim may have. I think it’s a pretty fair trade, don’t you?”
He can’t really argue with her there.
“So you think I get off on bondage and role-playing?” he asks even though he knows that he really shouldn’t.
She thinks for a moment. “Actually, maybe not bondage. That’s probably more Nyota and Spock’s thing. She’d make a really good dominatrix, wouldn’t she?”
Leonard secretly agrees, but the mental image of Spock shouting ‘I am a poorly behaved individual! I am a poorly behaved individual!’ while being whipped with a riding crop is too much for his brain to handle. “Please stop. Images. Images. Did not need that.”
Christine shrugs again and continues, “I also think that if you had a fetish, it’d be a neck fetish whereas Jim would probably have a hand fetish. He probably also has an accent fetish-specifically, a Georgian accent fetish, or maybe it’s just you. People can be surprising at times, Leonard. On the outside, you could look like a typical eager pre-med student, but in the bedroom-you know, I bet Jim would find a little medical role-play very fun.”
He claps his hands over his ears, trying very hard not to think about Jim’s neck and how much he enjoys leaving hickeys on it. “Can we stop talking about my sex life now?-my sex life and everyone else’s. I’m really disturbed at how much thought you put into this.”
Not embarrassed in the least, she shrugs. “Gotta have something to think about during physics. And it’s all in my psychology textbook from last semester. Oh, some of the things people get off on.”
“I know, I took that class with you, but I didn’t take the time to thoroughly go through each paraphilia and memorize them in detail. Do you read it before you go to sleep or something?” he asks her. “And no, I don’t want to hear about anymore paraphilias, thanks. It’s bad enough that I’ll be thinking about these things for the rest of the day now.”
“Fine, we’ll drop the fetish talk for now.” Christine perks up. “Oh, but speaking of fetishism, is Jim blackmailing you for a specific kind of sex? Maybe that’s it.”
Leonard pulls his lips taut. “I’m not sure. I’ll have to ask him tomorrow. He’s having a lab party right now so no reception or anything.”
She nods knowingly, having heard about them either through him or other engineering students. “Ah, lab parties. The title makes them sound like so much fun. I bet the first years are crushed when they find out that it’s pretty much the opposite of booze, sex, and fun in the labs.”
“They also don’t know about the mortality rate. Just this morning, Jim was asking me to cremate him and to eat his ashes if he dies,” he tells her with a shudder. He’s pretty sure Jim was actually joking, but he wasn’t awake enough to really be sure.
“Maybe he’s got vorarephilia,” she suggests.
To which he immediately growls, “No, Christine, Jim doesn’t get off on the idea of being eaten or eating anyone. Good god, woman, you’re obsessed.”
“Well, you never know. I mean, it’s Jim.”
Apparently the women in his life are just as clueless as the men when it comes to understanding Jim Kirk.
--
He’s walking down the hallway with Scotty; they’re making their way towards the lab with pizza and bottles of water when a voice stops them. “McCoy, Scott, is that you?”
They turn around to see Pike. He nods. “Mornin’, sir. Just on my way to rescue Jim from his lab party.”
“Ah, that would explain the pizza. Speaking of Kirk, do you have any idea why he was browsing rather…” Pike clears his throat, “questionable websites in my class yesterday? I’m pretty sure he set off at least half our internet security alarms.”
Leonard blinks. “Questionable websites? Like porn?”
Pike laughs and shakes his head, amused at the idea. “Porn? I wish. Like Jim Kirk would do something so normal in class. Try the history of blackmailing and ‘The Art of Blackmailing: Improving your Blackmailing Techniques in 3 Simple Steps’. He looked some other stuff up too, but I don’t think I’m allowed to disclose what they were since it’s something to do with national security.”
“Something to do with national security?” He looks up the ceiling and sighs. “I don’t even want to think about how he managed to get the attention of the government.”
The man doesn’t look convinced. “I figured if anyone would know how and why, it’d be you, McCoy.”
Before he can come up with a proper response, Scotty jumps in with a laugh. “That might be true, sir, but you have to keep in mind that it’s Jim. Will anyone ever truly understand the lad?”
Taking a brief moment to mull over his words, Pike shrugs and accepts the answer as though it actually makes sense. “I suppose that’s true enough. But genius or no genius, I’m sick of getting phone calls from the national defense every week. Hey, do me a favour, would you, McCoy? When you’re in the lab, check the vital signs of my students and make sure none of them are dead.”
“Yeah, the labs smell bad enough as they are,” Leonard says with a sarcastic chuckle. “The last thing they need is a corpse stinking up the place any further, hmm? That smell’s pretty hard to get rid of.”
“Exactly,” says Pike with a nod like he’s glad he’s glad that someone finally understands him. “I’d hate to lose another one. We already blew a quarter of our budget on Febreze last semester-such a waste of money.”
His eyes widen in alarm at the serious glint in the man’s eyes. He hopes Pike’s joking but the man’s not giving any indication that he is and Leonard has no idea how he’s supposed to react.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to say anything because Pike claps him on the shoulder and starts walking off. “Anyways, I’ve got things to sort out so I’ll leave you two to your rescue mission.”
Leonard turns to Scotty and hisses, “I thought you said no one’s ever died here!”
“No, lad, I said we’ve never killed anyone here,” Scotty corrects him. Then he adds on a more cheerful note, “I was wondering why the labs smelt so much nicer this semester.”
“Jesus Christ, c’mon, let’s get going before I have to find a replacement for Jim.”
--
In the lab, he tries his best to hold his breath now that he’s been thoroughly scared by Pike’s words. But when he finally can’t hold his breath any longer, he inhales-and much to his horror, there’s a faint, refreshing smell of springtime in the recycled air.
Most of the students in the lab are either unconscious or getting close to it. He finds Jim and Gaila at the end of the second to last row. Jim’s slumped over on the table and mindlessly clicking the same key over and over again while mumbling something incoherently to Gaila who’s asleep. He walks over and shakes Jim by the shoulders. “Jim? Wake up, kid. Are you done?”
Looking at the screen won’t help him at all because it all looks like nonsense to him.
Jim blinks a couple times and looks up at him with bleary eyes. “Bones? S’at you?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Scotty’s got the pizza outside. Jim, I need you to save your work so I can get you guys out of here, okay?”
“M’kay.” He reaches over and shakes Gaila’s shoulders. “Gaila, wake up. S’Bones. Pizza. S’Gaila okay?” Jim asks, words slurred either from sleepiness or the stale, Febreze-laced air.
She groans and turns the other way, muttering some sort of code as she does so.
Sometimes, he can't help but wonder if engineers are secretly aliens from another galaxy. That'd explain a lot about-pretty much everyone in the faculty.
“That’d depend on how you define ‘okay’. She’s still breathing if that’s what you mean,” he tells Jim. “Wait, Gaila’s in systems, isn’t she? What’s she doing here?”
“Had to do some programming,” Jim mumbles, saving whatever work he did without looking up at the screen. “She owed me and I promised her pizza.”
Leonard decides not to question Jim’s ethics until they’re sitting in the lounge with a slice of pizza in hand because he wants to do nothing more than get out of the anti-life lab where some poor schmuck may or may not have died. Having a human crutch for two people, he runs out of breath before he even gets to the door. “This is ridiculous. I’m a pre-med student, not a firefighter.”
Once they’re finally out in the lounge, Scotty jogs over to help. He throws Jim onto one of the couches and plops down next to him, heaving for air. At the smell of pizza, Jim and Gaila open their eyes and yawn. Taking up the entire couch and without bothering to sit up, Gaila turns onto her side and grabs a slice and starts eating. “You are my hero, Leonard,” she tells him between mouthfuls. “I would very much like to adopt you and hide you in my room.”
Jim enthusiastically nods in agreement, too busy stuffing his face to add to the statement.
The pizzas only last about 15 minutes between the four of them. When they’re finally done, Jim, for reasons Leonard can’t even begin to fathom, decides to tell them, “So I’m blackmailing Bones for sex.”
Gaila and Scotty appear to be unfazed by the news. In fact, they have an amused ‘been there, done that’ and ‘what fond memories that brings up’ look on their faces. “What kind of sex?” Gaila asks.
“You know, just blackmail-sex,” Jim answers.
She smiles. “Oh, blackmail-sex is very nice.”
Scotty laughs. “Sounds like you two are getting along just fine then, lad. What are you blackmailing him with?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet,” Jim replies with a laid-back shrug.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll think of something, Jim,” Gaila says, reaching over to give him a reassuring pat on the knee.
Leonard feels like he’s missed part of the conversation.
Jim nods. “Yeah, better think of something soon. I mean, the whole can’t have sex until I’ve properly blackmailed him thing kinda really sucks.”
His eyebrow shoots up in alarm at this. He’s not sure what he’s more annoyed with now, the fact that Jim’s ‘blackmailing’ him in the first place or that they can’t have sex until the idiot thinks of something to blackmail him with.
Scotty offers him a sympathetic nod. “I hear you, lad. Blackmailing can be such a pain.”
“Then why do it in the first place?” he asks before he can stop himself.
Gaila smiles at him like an adult would to a child who’s just asked a stupid question. It’s on the edge of being patronizing but not quite. If he had to give it a name, he’d call it the ‘Aww, you’re so cute and innocent sometimes’ look.
Leonard bristles. “Don’t give me that look. I’m being serious! What’s the point?”
“It is Jim,” she tells him in a sagely manner.
“She’s right, lad. It’s Jim,” Scotty says.
Jim just looks at him and grins.
--
“In Kirk-speak, I think it might be an attempt at an erotic-possibly romantic-gesture,” Nyota tells him over lunch the next day.
“How’s it in any way a romantic gesture?” he asks, incredulous.
She shrugs. “It’s Kirk.”
Leonard frowns. “I was hoping you’d have more of an explanation for me.”
He finds it a little distressing that so far, the only person who’s offered him any kind of explanation is Christine with her crazy nympho paraphilia theory.
Nyota reaches over and pats his arm and shakes her head. “As much as I’d like to offer a helping hand, it’s Kirk, Leonard. He’s your area of expertise, not mine.”
As much as he wants to open his mouth to protest, he realizes that she’s right.
--
He finally snaps when Jim stops in the middle of a heavy make-out session and says, “Wait. Hold up, Bones. We can’t-still blackmailing you.”
Leonard all but explodes at that. His jeans feel too tight and the frustration just boils over. He pins Jim down on the couch and scowls. “Dammit, Jim! It’s been over a week! Just pick something to blackmail me with already! You’ve got tons of shit you could blackmail me with!”
Jim frowns. “It’s not that simple, Bones! I’m walking on a fine line here! It has to be just right! If it’s too personal, you’ll find it too offensive, and if it’s nothing big, you won’t take me seriously! This is supposed to be lead to amazing blackmail-sex not a blackmail-caused break up!”
“Oh, the chances of that are increasing fast because I can definitely tell you that there’s absolutely no arousal right now, just a lot of pent up frustration.” His scowl deepens and he growls, “Goddamn it, Jim! Just blackmail me already! I swear to god, if you don’t pick something right now, I’m walking out.”
“No, don’t do that,” Jim immediately says. He’s looking all around the room, at everything except Leonard, clearly trying to come up with something on the spot. “What about the ‘waxing incident’?”
The opportunity’s too good to pass up. He furrows his brows, affronted. “How dare you!?”
Panicked blue eyes widen. “Bones, I-”
Pleased with the reaction, Leonard smirks and cuts Jim off with a kiss. “Relax, I was joking. That’ll do. Fuck, anything would’ve done. What the hell made you think that this would be a good idea, anyway?”
Jim opens his mouth to answer the question, but then he seems to think better of it and grins. “What can I say? I’m Jim Kirk.”
Leonard rolls his eyes and chuckles. “Yeah, you’re fucking Jim Kirk alright.”
“No, Bones,” Jim corrects him and him down into a messy kiss that leaves them both breathless, “I believe you’re the one who’s fucking Jim Kirk-or will be in a minute.”
“This blackmail-sex better be worth the hell you put me through,” he mutters.
--
It is.
--
Leonard has no idea how or when they moved from the couch to the bed, but there they are, lying on the bed and catching their breaths. Jim grins at him. “Totally worth it, right?”
He makes a noncommittal noise.
“Hey, Bones,” Jim says, “how about I blackmail you into ordering take-out? I bet blackmail-take-out tastes way better than normal take-out.”
Leonard decides to answer by trying to smother Jim with a pillow.
--
A/N: This one's for my poor friends in engineering who're probably stuck in a lab party even as I type. And with the Canucks out for the season and nothing better to do while I wait for STID, this happened.
Series: Star Trek AOS
Author:neko-fish
Pairings: Jim/Bones, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Summary: In which Leonard realizes that being in a relationship with Jim Kirk is anything but normal. Modern day college AU. Follows Riddle Me This.
Warnings: Crack, blackmailing, mentions of paraphilias, possible product placement
“Text!”
He fishes his phone out of his pocket and reads his newest message.
16:25, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Just so you know, I’m blackmailing you for sex.
Leonard stops walking in the middle of the hallway causing the poor person behind him to nearly run into him. It’s been over two weeks since the ‘riddle incident’ and he’s on his way to Jim’s dorm when he gets the message. Baffled and confused, he doesn’t bother sending a reply. Instead, he makes his way to their room to find Jim lounging on the couch.
At his noisy entrance, Jim immediately looks over and greets him with a bright smile on his lips, “Hey, Bones. How was class?”
The casualness only serves to baffle him further. He furrows his brows and answers, “Class was fine. You just sent me a text-that was you, right?” He’s not sure how he’d react if it turns out Jim had meant to send it to someone else.
Blue eyes blink for a moment then Jim perks up and nods. “Oh, that. Yeah, that was me. What about it?”
His brain feels like it’s about to explode he’s so confused. “What do you mean ‘what about it?’ Am I missing something here? Why’d you send me this?”
Jim arches a brow at him like he’s the one going crazy. “It’s just like I said. I’m blackmailing you for sex. Come on, Bones, it’s not like I wrote you an essay. The least you can do is read it,” he says, like it’s all self-explanatory.
That doesn’t answer any of his questions at all.
They’ve been going out for weeks now and have been best friends for years, and he still can’t figure out how Jim Kirk’s brain works. “Okay, so you’re supposedly blackmailing me for sex. And what exactly are you blackmailing me with?”
“I’m not sure yet,” Jim tells him as though it wasn’t an essential part of blackmailing people. “Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out. You need to stop worrying about every little thing, Bones, or you’ll end up giving yourself an aneurysm.” Then he pats the empty spot next to him. “Now, come over here and join me. There are excellent cartoons on that are waiting to be watched.”
Realizing that he won’t be getting any answers from Jim, Leonard shrugs and does just that.
--
“So Jim’s blackmailing me for sex, apparently.”
Spock arches an eyebrow, glances at him, doesn’t say anything at all, and then turns back to his work.
It’s not nerve-racking at all.
He doesn’t know why he’s telling Spock of all people. But the guy’s Jim’s other best friend and the most logical person on campus, so maybe he can provide some insight as to why this is happening. “Spock?”
They’re sitting in the student lounge in the engineering building and Spock’s doing some sort of assignment that involves symbols he doesn’t recognize. Considering how the guy’s pretty much getting every degree available at Starfleet University, Leonard’s not even going to try to guess what he’s working on.
Finally, Spock stops writing and looks up from whatever he’s doing. “What is the nature of the material he is blackmailing you with?”
“I have no idea. He hasn’t figured it out yet, apparently.”
Spock shoots him a disapproving look like he’s the one at fault here. “Do you know the reason why he is blackmailing you?”
Leonard scowls. “For sex? I don’t know! All he sent me was a one-liner! If I knew why and how he was doing this, I wouldn’t be sitting here asking you about it, now would I?”
“I suppose that is logical,” Spock concedes with a nod. “I would advise you to bear in mind that this is Jim and his motives are often unsystematic and unpredictable.”
“If you don’t know, you can just say ‘I don’t know,’ you know?” he grumbles.
“It is Jim,” Spock says with a tone of finality as though he just solved all the mysteries in the world.
He wishes Nyota was here. She’d probably be able to come up with something a little more insightful than ‘it’s Jim.’ But then again, it’s partly his own fault for thinking it’d be a good idea to consult Spock about this in the first place.
Suddenly, his phone vibrates and Jim’s voice can be heard singing his rendition of the first movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
“Sulu-lu-lu! Is calling you, Bones! I think you should really pick it up! I seriously think you should pick it up! Pick up your phone, Bones! Pick up your phone, Bones! Pick up your phone, right, now!”
“Sulu-lu-lu!-”
Of all the ringtones Jim recorded on his phone, this one’s his favourite. Maybe it’s because it actually sounds like a ringtone with a recognizable tune, or maybe it’s just the way Jim sings ‘Sulu-lu-lu’.
“Hello? Alright, I’ll see you guys in the mess. Bye.” He turns to Spock who’s gone back to whatever he’s working on. “I’m meeting Sulu and Chekov for lunch, you want to come with?”
Spock shakes his head and doesn’t look up from his work. “Although I appreciate the offer, I regret to inform you that I have already made prior arrangements with Nyota to dine at the new restaurant that opened up last week.”
“‘Thanks but no thanks’ would’ve sufficed,” he mutters.
“Very well. 'Thanks but no thanks,'” Spock says.
“Wow, Spock, you sounded almost human there.” Leonard rolls his eyes and gets up. “Say hi to Nyota for me and let me know on a scale of one to ten, with one being a trip to the hospital and ten being culinary heaven, how the restaurant is later.”
“I will endeavor to give you the most accurate rating.”
He gives a slow nod, remembering the ridiculous number he got last time he asked Spock to rate something. “I’m sure you will. How about you try to round it to the nearest hundredth this time?”
And that’s that.
--
Leonard passes his phone over to the pair with Jim’s message opened. “What do you guys make of this?”
Hikaru and Pavel both blink and spend a good minute just staring at the message. Then Pavel looks up with guileless eyes and suggests, “Maybe it is his time of the month.”
He stifles a sigh and the urge to facepalm. It’s been weeks since he made that joke and somehow, it still hasn’t blown over. He looks over at Hikaru who shrugs in a way that says ‘Don’t look at me, man. You’re the one who made the joke, and you’re the one in pre-med, so you explain it to him.’
Glaring at Hikaru, he considers it for a moment and decides that it’d probably be best for Pavel to learn about this from someone who actually knows what he’s talking about. But before he can launch his ‘only women can menstruate’ lecture, Pavel laughs. “I am just kidding. I got you, yes? You and Hikaru looked very worried. It’s okay. Jim has already explained everything to me.”
The relief only lasts a moment before it’s replaced with suspicion because Jim can’t be trusted to explain serious things to anyone. “Everything? What exactly did he tell you, kid?”
Eager to please, Pavel starts reciting everything Jim told him, “He said that it is very rare for men but it can happen to some people. He also said that it’s ‘no joke’ because the cramps are very painful and the mood swings are very bad so I should be nice to you and give you chocolates if you look upset.”
“Jim said you should be nice to me when-? Is that why you gave me that chocolate bar last week? You thought I was-?”
He’s going to kill Jim.
“Yes, I hope you felt better after?” Pavel asks with a bright smile on his face.
Leonard doesn’t answer. He’s too busy coming up with different ways to murder Jim without getting caught. Hikaru’s biting down on his lower lip to stop himself from laughing. The kid’s never ending trust in Jim’s adorable and he looks so hopeful that Leonard can’t be bring himself to correct him-not right now anyway. He has more pressing things to deal with. “Uhh…sure, kid. Thanks for that. Tell you what, I’m going to lend you my Bio 101 and Health Sci 101 textbooks the next time I see you, and you better read the whole thing, okay?”
Pavel agrees to it happily enough.
“So Jim’s blackmailing you for sex,” Hikaru says, getting back on topic.
He nods, glad to diverge from the topic of male menstruation. “That’s what it looks like.”
“Does he know you guys are going out?”
The question makes him look up in thought. “I thought he knew, but I’m not so sure anymore. Just wait, let me ask.” He pulls out his phone and sends Jim a message.
12:37, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Are you aware that we’re dating?-as in, a monogamous relationship?
12:37, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Yeah, of course. Why? What’s up?
12:38, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Nothing. Just checking. Define monogamy for me.
12:38, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Social, sexual, genetic, or martial monogamy?
12:39, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
Whichever you think applies to us.
12:40, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
Social monogamy: two people living together and providing for each other’s basic needs.
Sexual monogamy: two people being sexually exclusive with each other.
Marital monogamy: a marriage of only two people.
12:40, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
And of course, genetic monogamy: two people only having offspring with each other.
12:40, L. McCoy to J. Kirk:
What? Why ‘of course’?
12:40, J. Kirk to L. McCoy:
I’d have your babies anytime, Bones. ;)
Leonard looks up. “Looks like he knows.”
“Huh,” Hikaru says unhelpfully and turns back to his lunch. “Well, it’s Jim. Maybe blackmailing is just a normal part of being in a relationship for him.” Then he repeats with heavy emphasis, “It’s Jim.”
And this, he decides, is why he generally turns to women for relationship advice.
--
“Text!”
13:55, S. Spock to L. McCoy:
7.38 ± 0.005
--
There’s someone shaking him and talking in his ear. “Bones, wake up. It’s morning. I’m going soon.”
“And I care why?” He groans and turns away, refusing to open his eyes. Jim really should know better than to talk to him in the morning without a proper reason. And as far as he’s concerned, proper reasons include and are mostly limited to medical or family emergencies, fires, and tsunamis. Earthquakes, floods, alien attacks and a surprise invasion from Canada failed to make the list.
“Because I’ve got a lab party after class today and I won’t see you until tomorrow so the least you can do is give me a kiss goodbye,” Jim tells him.
It’s a normal occurrence for engineering students to be stuck in the lab for an inhumane amount of time in order to work on projects and assignments. The engineering labs are also the only places on campus where it’s impossible to get any reception. With no food or drinks allowed, no windows, and no phone reception, the students sit there hungry and isolated from the world for however long and usually leave looking half-dead from breathing recycled air. The last time Jim had a lab party, he spent three days in the lab and Leonard, being the amazing friend he is, literally had to carry him back to his dorm.
“S’only ‘til tomorrow?” Leonard slurs, cracking open an eye.
Jim’s looming over him with a solemn expression on his face. “Yeah, we got most of it done during the week. But if I don’t survive this lab party, promise me you’ll cremate me, okay? Then eat my ashes with your grits or whatever so we can be one forever.”
That wakes him up and sends shivers down his back. It feels like he just awoke to a nightmare as opposed to from. He scowls and looks up. “Jesus Christ, Jim, do you have to be so creepy first thing in the morning?”
“I’m being serious, Bones!”
“I know you are! That’s what makes it so creepy! You’re not going to die because of a one-day lab party. I’ll come by tomorrow with pizza, okay?” he offers, hoping it’ll make Jim go away so he can get back to sleep.
“You’re the best, Bones.” Jim kisses him. “I promise I’ll serenade you and buy you enough beer to bathe in.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Leonard grumbles. As much as he loves the guy, Jim really needs to disappear somewhere or just stop talking.
“And don’t forget I’m still blackmailing you.”
He makes a noncommittal grunt.
Because Jim is a persistent pest when he wants to be, he deliberately doesn’t take the hint to leave. “Bones?”
Leonard waves him off. “Haven’t forgotten. Go away.”
“I’m blackmailing you for sex,” Jim reminds him.
“Yeah. For sex. Now go away before I rupture your spleen with my fist.”
Jim laughs and gives him another kiss. “Love you too, Bones.” The kiss isn’t unwelcomed, but the words that follow are. “So, about that pizza-”
He feels immensely pleased with himself when he feels his pillow come into contact with Jim’s face.
--
Christine raises a brow when he tells her in class later that day. “For sex? And neither of you know what he’s blackmailing you with?” She starts laughing. “Well, it sounds like your relationship’s progressing smoothly.”
“In what universe does blackmailing someone you’re in a relationship with for sex count as ‘progressing smoothly’?” Leonard asks with an incredulous look on his face.
She shrugs. “I’m not and have never dated either of you, so how should I know? I just figured one of you have a thing for the whole blackmailing and sexual exploitation scene. You know, paraphilias and whatnot. It happens.”
“No, I do not get off on being blackmailed or sexually exploited,” he tells her, suddenly feeling the need to take a shower. And considering how they haven’t had sex since the whole blackmailing incident, he’s pretty sure it’s safe to assume that Jim doesn’t have a blackmail fetish either.
“Yeah, you look more like you’d be into BDSM,” Christine mutters to herself, “or role-playing.”
Leonard’s eyes widen. “Excuse me?”
Ignoring him, she continues, “But then again, you guys have only started going out a couple weeks ago. The sex can’t get boring that quickly, especially not with all the stories I’ve heard about Jim’s sexual prowess.”
“BDSM or role-playing, Christine?” he repeats. Saying it out loud doesn’t help at all because the image has been firmly planted inside his head now. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve asked you this and it definitely won’t be the last, but why are we friends again?”
“Because we’re compatible as friends and we make excellent lab partners, Leonard,” she tells him as though nothing could be more obvious. “You get to complain to me about Jim, and I get to complain to you about Roger. You get to tell me about all the dangers around me and all the diseases you think I can catch and die from at any given moment, and I get to tell you about all the paraphilias I think you and Jim may have. I think it’s a pretty fair trade, don’t you?”
He can’t really argue with her there.
“So you think I get off on bondage and role-playing?” he asks even though he knows that he really shouldn’t.
She thinks for a moment. “Actually, maybe not bondage. That’s probably more Nyota and Spock’s thing. She’d make a really good dominatrix, wouldn’t she?”
Leonard secretly agrees, but the mental image of Spock shouting ‘I am a poorly behaved individual! I am a poorly behaved individual!’ while being whipped with a riding crop is too much for his brain to handle. “Please stop. Images. Images. Did not need that.”
Christine shrugs again and continues, “I also think that if you had a fetish, it’d be a neck fetish whereas Jim would probably have a hand fetish. He probably also has an accent fetish-specifically, a Georgian accent fetish, or maybe it’s just you. People can be surprising at times, Leonard. On the outside, you could look like a typical eager pre-med student, but in the bedroom-you know, I bet Jim would find a little medical role-play very fun.”
He claps his hands over his ears, trying very hard not to think about Jim’s neck and how much he enjoys leaving hickeys on it. “Can we stop talking about my sex life now?-my sex life and everyone else’s. I’m really disturbed at how much thought you put into this.”
Not embarrassed in the least, she shrugs. “Gotta have something to think about during physics. And it’s all in my psychology textbook from last semester. Oh, some of the things people get off on.”
“I know, I took that class with you, but I didn’t take the time to thoroughly go through each paraphilia and memorize them in detail. Do you read it before you go to sleep or something?” he asks her. “And no, I don’t want to hear about anymore paraphilias, thanks. It’s bad enough that I’ll be thinking about these things for the rest of the day now.”
“Fine, we’ll drop the fetish talk for now.” Christine perks up. “Oh, but speaking of fetishism, is Jim blackmailing you for a specific kind of sex? Maybe that’s it.”
Leonard pulls his lips taut. “I’m not sure. I’ll have to ask him tomorrow. He’s having a lab party right now so no reception or anything.”
She nods knowingly, having heard about them either through him or other engineering students. “Ah, lab parties. The title makes them sound like so much fun. I bet the first years are crushed when they find out that it’s pretty much the opposite of booze, sex, and fun in the labs.”
“They also don’t know about the mortality rate. Just this morning, Jim was asking me to cremate him and to eat his ashes if he dies,” he tells her with a shudder. He’s pretty sure Jim was actually joking, but he wasn’t awake enough to really be sure.
“Maybe he’s got vorarephilia,” she suggests.
To which he immediately growls, “No, Christine, Jim doesn’t get off on the idea of being eaten or eating anyone. Good god, woman, you’re obsessed.”
“Well, you never know. I mean, it’s Jim.”
Apparently the women in his life are just as clueless as the men when it comes to understanding Jim Kirk.
--
He’s walking down the hallway with Scotty; they’re making their way towards the lab with pizza and bottles of water when a voice stops them. “McCoy, Scott, is that you?”
They turn around to see Pike. He nods. “Mornin’, sir. Just on my way to rescue Jim from his lab party.”
“Ah, that would explain the pizza. Speaking of Kirk, do you have any idea why he was browsing rather…” Pike clears his throat, “questionable websites in my class yesterday? I’m pretty sure he set off at least half our internet security alarms.”
Leonard blinks. “Questionable websites? Like porn?”
Pike laughs and shakes his head, amused at the idea. “Porn? I wish. Like Jim Kirk would do something so normal in class. Try the history of blackmailing and ‘The Art of Blackmailing: Improving your Blackmailing Techniques in 3 Simple Steps’. He looked some other stuff up too, but I don’t think I’m allowed to disclose what they were since it’s something to do with national security.”
“Something to do with national security?” He looks up the ceiling and sighs. “I don’t even want to think about how he managed to get the attention of the government.”
The man doesn’t look convinced. “I figured if anyone would know how and why, it’d be you, McCoy.”
Before he can come up with a proper response, Scotty jumps in with a laugh. “That might be true, sir, but you have to keep in mind that it’s Jim. Will anyone ever truly understand the lad?”
Taking a brief moment to mull over his words, Pike shrugs and accepts the answer as though it actually makes sense. “I suppose that’s true enough. But genius or no genius, I’m sick of getting phone calls from the national defense every week. Hey, do me a favour, would you, McCoy? When you’re in the lab, check the vital signs of my students and make sure none of them are dead.”
“Yeah, the labs smell bad enough as they are,” Leonard says with a sarcastic chuckle. “The last thing they need is a corpse stinking up the place any further, hmm? That smell’s pretty hard to get rid of.”
“Exactly,” says Pike with a nod like he’s glad he’s glad that someone finally understands him. “I’d hate to lose another one. We already blew a quarter of our budget on Febreze last semester-such a waste of money.”
His eyes widen in alarm at the serious glint in the man’s eyes. He hopes Pike’s joking but the man’s not giving any indication that he is and Leonard has no idea how he’s supposed to react.
Luckily, he doesn’t have to say anything because Pike claps him on the shoulder and starts walking off. “Anyways, I’ve got things to sort out so I’ll leave you two to your rescue mission.”
Leonard turns to Scotty and hisses, “I thought you said no one’s ever died here!”
“No, lad, I said we’ve never killed anyone here,” Scotty corrects him. Then he adds on a more cheerful note, “I was wondering why the labs smelt so much nicer this semester.”
“Jesus Christ, c’mon, let’s get going before I have to find a replacement for Jim.”
--
In the lab, he tries his best to hold his breath now that he’s been thoroughly scared by Pike’s words. But when he finally can’t hold his breath any longer, he inhales-and much to his horror, there’s a faint, refreshing smell of springtime in the recycled air.
Most of the students in the lab are either unconscious or getting close to it. He finds Jim and Gaila at the end of the second to last row. Jim’s slumped over on the table and mindlessly clicking the same key over and over again while mumbling something incoherently to Gaila who’s asleep. He walks over and shakes Jim by the shoulders. “Jim? Wake up, kid. Are you done?”
Looking at the screen won’t help him at all because it all looks like nonsense to him.
Jim blinks a couple times and looks up at him with bleary eyes. “Bones? S’at you?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Scotty’s got the pizza outside. Jim, I need you to save your work so I can get you guys out of here, okay?”
“M’kay.” He reaches over and shakes Gaila’s shoulders. “Gaila, wake up. S’Bones. Pizza. S’Gaila okay?” Jim asks, words slurred either from sleepiness or the stale, Febreze-laced air.
She groans and turns the other way, muttering some sort of code as she does so.
Sometimes, he can't help but wonder if engineers are secretly aliens from another galaxy. That'd explain a lot about-pretty much everyone in the faculty.
“That’d depend on how you define ‘okay’. She’s still breathing if that’s what you mean,” he tells Jim. “Wait, Gaila’s in systems, isn’t she? What’s she doing here?”
“Had to do some programming,” Jim mumbles, saving whatever work he did without looking up at the screen. “She owed me and I promised her pizza.”
Leonard decides not to question Jim’s ethics until they’re sitting in the lounge with a slice of pizza in hand because he wants to do nothing more than get out of the anti-life lab where some poor schmuck may or may not have died. Having a human crutch for two people, he runs out of breath before he even gets to the door. “This is ridiculous. I’m a pre-med student, not a firefighter.”
Once they’re finally out in the lounge, Scotty jogs over to help. He throws Jim onto one of the couches and plops down next to him, heaving for air. At the smell of pizza, Jim and Gaila open their eyes and yawn. Taking up the entire couch and without bothering to sit up, Gaila turns onto her side and grabs a slice and starts eating. “You are my hero, Leonard,” she tells him between mouthfuls. “I would very much like to adopt you and hide you in my room.”
Jim enthusiastically nods in agreement, too busy stuffing his face to add to the statement.
The pizzas only last about 15 minutes between the four of them. When they’re finally done, Jim, for reasons Leonard can’t even begin to fathom, decides to tell them, “So I’m blackmailing Bones for sex.”
Gaila and Scotty appear to be unfazed by the news. In fact, they have an amused ‘been there, done that’ and ‘what fond memories that brings up’ look on their faces. “What kind of sex?” Gaila asks.
“You know, just blackmail-sex,” Jim answers.
She smiles. “Oh, blackmail-sex is very nice.”
Scotty laughs. “Sounds like you two are getting along just fine then, lad. What are you blackmailing him with?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet,” Jim replies with a laid-back shrug.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll think of something, Jim,” Gaila says, reaching over to give him a reassuring pat on the knee.
Leonard feels like he’s missed part of the conversation.
Jim nods. “Yeah, better think of something soon. I mean, the whole can’t have sex until I’ve properly blackmailed him thing kinda really sucks.”
His eyebrow shoots up in alarm at this. He’s not sure what he’s more annoyed with now, the fact that Jim’s ‘blackmailing’ him in the first place or that they can’t have sex until the idiot thinks of something to blackmail him with.
Scotty offers him a sympathetic nod. “I hear you, lad. Blackmailing can be such a pain.”
“Then why do it in the first place?” he asks before he can stop himself.
Gaila smiles at him like an adult would to a child who’s just asked a stupid question. It’s on the edge of being patronizing but not quite. If he had to give it a name, he’d call it the ‘Aww, you’re so cute and innocent sometimes’ look.
Leonard bristles. “Don’t give me that look. I’m being serious! What’s the point?”
“It is Jim,” she tells him in a sagely manner.
“She’s right, lad. It’s Jim,” Scotty says.
Jim just looks at him and grins.
--
“In Kirk-speak, I think it might be an attempt at an erotic-possibly romantic-gesture,” Nyota tells him over lunch the next day.
“How’s it in any way a romantic gesture?” he asks, incredulous.
She shrugs. “It’s Kirk.”
Leonard frowns. “I was hoping you’d have more of an explanation for me.”
He finds it a little distressing that so far, the only person who’s offered him any kind of explanation is Christine with her crazy nympho paraphilia theory.
Nyota reaches over and pats his arm and shakes her head. “As much as I’d like to offer a helping hand, it’s Kirk, Leonard. He’s your area of expertise, not mine.”
As much as he wants to open his mouth to protest, he realizes that she’s right.
--
He finally snaps when Jim stops in the middle of a heavy make-out session and says, “Wait. Hold up, Bones. We can’t-still blackmailing you.”
Leonard all but explodes at that. His jeans feel too tight and the frustration just boils over. He pins Jim down on the couch and scowls. “Dammit, Jim! It’s been over a week! Just pick something to blackmail me with already! You’ve got tons of shit you could blackmail me with!”
Jim frowns. “It’s not that simple, Bones! I’m walking on a fine line here! It has to be just right! If it’s too personal, you’ll find it too offensive, and if it’s nothing big, you won’t take me seriously! This is supposed to be lead to amazing blackmail-sex not a blackmail-caused break up!”
“Oh, the chances of that are increasing fast because I can definitely tell you that there’s absolutely no arousal right now, just a lot of pent up frustration.” His scowl deepens and he growls, “Goddamn it, Jim! Just blackmail me already! I swear to god, if you don’t pick something right now, I’m walking out.”
“No, don’t do that,” Jim immediately says. He’s looking all around the room, at everything except Leonard, clearly trying to come up with something on the spot. “What about the ‘waxing incident’?”
The opportunity’s too good to pass up. He furrows his brows, affronted. “How dare you!?”
Panicked blue eyes widen. “Bones, I-”
Pleased with the reaction, Leonard smirks and cuts Jim off with a kiss. “Relax, I was joking. That’ll do. Fuck, anything would’ve done. What the hell made you think that this would be a good idea, anyway?”
Jim opens his mouth to answer the question, but then he seems to think better of it and grins. “What can I say? I’m Jim Kirk.”
Leonard rolls his eyes and chuckles. “Yeah, you’re fucking Jim Kirk alright.”
“No, Bones,” Jim corrects him and him down into a messy kiss that leaves them both breathless, “I believe you’re the one who’s fucking Jim Kirk-or will be in a minute.”
“This blackmail-sex better be worth the hell you put me through,” he mutters.
--
It is.
--
Leonard has no idea how or when they moved from the couch to the bed, but there they are, lying on the bed and catching their breaths. Jim grins at him. “Totally worth it, right?”
He makes a noncommittal noise.
“Hey, Bones,” Jim says, “how about I blackmail you into ordering take-out? I bet blackmail-take-out tastes way better than normal take-out.”
Leonard decides to answer by trying to smother Jim with a pillow.
--
A/N: This one's for my poor friends in engineering who're probably stuck in a lab party even as I type. And with the Canucks out for the season and nothing better to do while I wait for STID, this happened.