*sigh*
God has planted dreams in all of our hearts… Mine was to be loved, in a way I longed for in childhood. Perfectly, breathlessly, devotedly, chivalrously… with reckless abandon and shining adoration. Life has taught me that it doesn’t work that way, at least for me. Either there simply is no love like that, or else I am not worthy of it. Still not worthy... Love like that was for the skinny girls, the girls with perfect skin, the girls who had perfect manicures and could keep house well and look all put together. Me? I’m frumpy… clumsy… with chipped nails and blotchy skin… the depth of my heart and the well of love I long to give can’t seem to compare with the world’s definition of beauty and worth… and as much as I would love to say that I am past that now, I’m not. Vanity is still my constant companion. I can’t seem to see myself through God’s eyes, when even the man who “loves” me, still compares me to so many others and finds me lacking. How heartbreaking, to have someone TELL you they love you, but still seek out beauty on the internet, at their workplace, or worst of all… in their ex. That kind of hurt debilitates you. It wrecks you with a ferocity that would leave the most steeled and jaded person reeling in shock and pain.
I long to move past it all… but I don’t know how. I am a woman, to the core, and my feminine heart has taken beating after beating in this sorry excuse for life. Sometimes I want to run away and just forget about love… take my babies and go live on a farm somewhere… As lazy as I am, the hard work would be doubly hard, but the reward of living a simple, honest life without the aching, gnawing need to compare myself to those around me, who I instinctually know will best me? It sounds like a small piece of heaven.
My heart is so weary. Lord Jesus, give me rest…