Love
So I have not posted in forever but I think I need to get some of this out of my head and off of my chest before I explode, and facebook is just to public now.
So here it goes.
Mom is dying. We are not sure how long she can hold out but she is starting to eat even less and she is constantly tired. She has been in and out of the hospital three times in the last 2 months due to reoccuring infections and a bad pressure wound. The cancer is now in her bones, her lungs, her muscle, and her skin. She is weak and back to being in constant pain and it all sucks.
It sucks not because we have not been preparing ourselves for the end with this damn cancer, because we have. Dad told me it was terminal cancer a few months ago and I knew that a few years ago after looking it up.
It sucks not because of not knowing how long she has. It was supposed to take 10 years before the cancer came back after the first operation but it came back in 2, then they were hoping for another 2 and it came back in less than 1. It has steadily been getting more and more aggressive but the doctor's have not told mom and dad a timeline. I think it is because this is so rare a cancer as it is, mom is one of 100 known cases and an anominally at that, they never expected her to keep fighting and they don't want to stop her fight by telling her they don't expect much.
It sucks not because I will lose my mom, though that will suck and I am coping as best I can with that but I have basically lost her since April, when last I saw her, as she has been getting weaker and weaker and not able to talk much when I call and she is just not herself anymore. And I always say goodbye to her everytime I talk to or see her. She knows she is loved and I know she loves me.
It sucks not because I feel like I am in a constant waiting limbo or when will the call happen and how can I set up my life, job, kids, etc to handle this all so I can go home and support my family and hug my dad until he feels secure. Though that might be the worst part for me in the long run. I can handle an end, I know that, but the waiting is painful even for me who I like to think is a patient person when push comes to shove.
It sucks overall because my mom has not caught a break since she was diagnosed. She nearly died on the operating table, she had a bad recovery and nearly died again when I came home to care for her due to some issues with her wound and sutures and a bad infection which almost was not noticed until I forced it down the nurses throat. She has forced herself to feel better to meet her first grandson and come see me, and then she got sick again. She forced herself to feel better to take care of her aging mother who was having trouble with ahlzhimers. She forced herself to get better to see her youngest son married and her youngest grand daughter born, and then she got sick again. She tried to keep up with her mother but realized she did not have the resources or ability to help her so had to put her in a home and she felt she failed when she did so much more than most could. She tried and failed to get better to meet her second grandson and was heart broken when she wasn't well enough to be here. She fought through terrible pain when she broke her hip due the cancer starting to attack the bone, and she endured it for months until finally someone offered her a surgery that could relieve the pain. She lost her job due to her loss of mobility due the broken hip that then turned into a broken ankle and foot and swollen limbs. She lost her motivation and movement and her freedom as she was tied to a chair. We got her a scooter chair, thanks to a friend, and she was so excited and she fought to get better to meet her youngest sons first child and attend a nieces wedding but then more pain and more infections and more leg/foot/hip problems. She then had to endure with nothing to keep her going and no one able to stay home with her due to the money needed to keep up with all these medical issues, and then she and my dad were forced to fight with insurance over her needs and medical bills and that stress caused her to eat less and get sicker and sicker. Now she can barely stay awake, she does not want to eat, and she is being moved from a hospital into a nursing home to see if 24 hour care might help. Why a nursing home and not a hospital you ask, because the hospital can not do anything more for her and she is still fighting so does not want hospice. And the nursing home she is in is the same facility that her mother is in who does not remember her or what happened due to the alhzimers she is fighting.
It all sucks because the woman I love and look up to has had to fight a constant battle and I am not sure all the little struggles and small happiness can counter all the pain she has been put through. And it sucks more because she is now living the thing she saw her own father die of, though his was a different kind, and I can't even imagine how she must feel.
But ya, life is sucky right now and I just want to hug my mom and offer her one week of no pain, no worry, and some amazing happiness. And I want to hug my dad and give him a winning lotto ticket because no one should have to watch the one they love go through this.
I need to write my mom's eulogy before she passes away because I always promised her she could read it before the time came. I hope I can get myself to a state of mind where I can. I know most of what I want to write but I can't bring myself to start because it feels like giving up and I fear that if I finish writing it I am giving her permission to pass away and she does not need my permission.
So here it goes.
Mom is dying. We are not sure how long she can hold out but she is starting to eat even less and she is constantly tired. She has been in and out of the hospital three times in the last 2 months due to reoccuring infections and a bad pressure wound. The cancer is now in her bones, her lungs, her muscle, and her skin. She is weak and back to being in constant pain and it all sucks.
It sucks not because we have not been preparing ourselves for the end with this damn cancer, because we have. Dad told me it was terminal cancer a few months ago and I knew that a few years ago after looking it up.
It sucks not because of not knowing how long she has. It was supposed to take 10 years before the cancer came back after the first operation but it came back in 2, then they were hoping for another 2 and it came back in less than 1. It has steadily been getting more and more aggressive but the doctor's have not told mom and dad a timeline. I think it is because this is so rare a cancer as it is, mom is one of 100 known cases and an anominally at that, they never expected her to keep fighting and they don't want to stop her fight by telling her they don't expect much.
It sucks not because I will lose my mom, though that will suck and I am coping as best I can with that but I have basically lost her since April, when last I saw her, as she has been getting weaker and weaker and not able to talk much when I call and she is just not herself anymore. And I always say goodbye to her everytime I talk to or see her. She knows she is loved and I know she loves me.
It sucks not because I feel like I am in a constant waiting limbo or when will the call happen and how can I set up my life, job, kids, etc to handle this all so I can go home and support my family and hug my dad until he feels secure. Though that might be the worst part for me in the long run. I can handle an end, I know that, but the waiting is painful even for me who I like to think is a patient person when push comes to shove.
It sucks overall because my mom has not caught a break since she was diagnosed. She nearly died on the operating table, she had a bad recovery and nearly died again when I came home to care for her due to some issues with her wound and sutures and a bad infection which almost was not noticed until I forced it down the nurses throat. She has forced herself to feel better to meet her first grandson and come see me, and then she got sick again. She forced herself to feel better to take care of her aging mother who was having trouble with ahlzhimers. She forced herself to get better to see her youngest son married and her youngest grand daughter born, and then she got sick again. She tried to keep up with her mother but realized she did not have the resources or ability to help her so had to put her in a home and she felt she failed when she did so much more than most could. She tried and failed to get better to meet her second grandson and was heart broken when she wasn't well enough to be here. She fought through terrible pain when she broke her hip due the cancer starting to attack the bone, and she endured it for months until finally someone offered her a surgery that could relieve the pain. She lost her job due to her loss of mobility due the broken hip that then turned into a broken ankle and foot and swollen limbs. She lost her motivation and movement and her freedom as she was tied to a chair. We got her a scooter chair, thanks to a friend, and she was so excited and she fought to get better to meet her youngest sons first child and attend a nieces wedding but then more pain and more infections and more leg/foot/hip problems. She then had to endure with nothing to keep her going and no one able to stay home with her due to the money needed to keep up with all these medical issues, and then she and my dad were forced to fight with insurance over her needs and medical bills and that stress caused her to eat less and get sicker and sicker. Now she can barely stay awake, she does not want to eat, and she is being moved from a hospital into a nursing home to see if 24 hour care might help. Why a nursing home and not a hospital you ask, because the hospital can not do anything more for her and she is still fighting so does not want hospice. And the nursing home she is in is the same facility that her mother is in who does not remember her or what happened due to the alhzimers she is fighting.
It all sucks because the woman I love and look up to has had to fight a constant battle and I am not sure all the little struggles and small happiness can counter all the pain she has been put through. And it sucks more because she is now living the thing she saw her own father die of, though his was a different kind, and I can't even imagine how she must feel.
But ya, life is sucky right now and I just want to hug my mom and offer her one week of no pain, no worry, and some amazing happiness. And I want to hug my dad and give him a winning lotto ticket because no one should have to watch the one they love go through this.
I need to write my mom's eulogy before she passes away because I always promised her she could read it before the time came. I hope I can get myself to a state of mind where I can. I know most of what I want to write but I can't bring myself to start because it feels like giving up and I fear that if I finish writing it I am giving her permission to pass away and she does not need my permission.