(no subject)
Less than a week after my mom's funeral on April last year, I sent a text-message to all of my brothers and sister-in-laws. Saying that they can just forget that they have a sister. I wish they would do so. The reason now my not be the same as then anymore, but still I wish they would do so.
I know that they are care; unfortunately, they would never be able to stand inside my shoes. They don't get the core of the matters, nor the idea of my choice on living this way. I realize it is not easy to understand the mind of an off stream like me when you are used with the standard way of life. Something like, get marry, build a family, always be near with the rest of the bigger family, and stuff; are yours. Not my stuff.
When will they see that I am such a rebel in mind? I am afraid they will not get it until the day they die.
Eleven years ago, after my dad passed away--dad was the only person who could accept whatever the way of life I lead on without questioning it--my mom demanded me, ordered me to be exact, to come back home. To live with her again. If I don't want to, then I have to marry the guy I shared a house with. Or, she would not taking me as her own daughter anymore.
My choice was the last. It's better not being any daughter of anyone than to have the life I don't like. I would die sooner than mom would I am sure of. Mom and I got back in good terms after all, after I told my baby brother about the condition. No more bothering on my life and the way I live, then I'll pardon her. I wanted everything is on my term. I don't know what my baby brother told her then, knowing him, I bet it might be a very subtle version. Mom stopped talking about it all right. Even though she continued to tell me to stop spending too much money to buy books. Until I said, "Yes, I have stopped already," to her; and continued but only in my heart, "I am too busy buying manga that's why". Sorry...
Then, mom passed away. Shouldn't it means that nothing would dangering my life anymore? Heh, the subtext behind everything is that I got to take care of my parent because I am the only daughter and since I am not married and culturally daughters have the obligation to so blahblahblah my @$$. Bullshit with this traditional and Asian-istic point of view. What the fuck is this idea of children have to pay back their parents because they have been raised by them. Why people forget the saying that children are not their parents' properties they are instead entrusted by god. Damn it!!!
Damn it for more, some other party has grabbed the "right" to own me because I don't have any parents anymore.
Last night I got another pain attack in my mouth. It's the ultimate protest created by my tummy that doesn't get sufficient ration to digest for the past few days. It's not because the maid hasn't comeback from the holiday, it's more because I have lost any will to eat, again. Plenty of vegetable and fruit and other groceries I stacked up before the holiday for the whole house. I just don't have the will.
After suffering for hours, just before dawn I told my self that I have to admit something. Scream it out if I must. What my younger brother suggested me the other day, may it be based on how much he cares about me, actually is killing me. It's not a suggestion that you offered me, dear brother, you pushed me into my graveyard.
Our going-to-be-85 aunt has been 'aiming' me to live with her apparently. She's an unmarried person too. The catch is, I can have her property (house and all) after she dies. She brought this up not long after mom passed away, and I rejected it immediately. I reminded her that she has another 26 nephews and nieces other than me; so I don't want to have a future of fighting only because of inheritance matter. In my eyes, fighting on something like that is very low. Life is a lot more than that. If there is anything I really wanted to get from her, it's her book collection. But, I don't want to pay it with my own life. I am selfish like that.
At the familial gathering for the holiday by last Sunday, auntie told bro about the same. He immediately sees it as how it would benefit me. That I then don't have to spend money for a future home. And all that jazz. According to him, the distance between auntie's house and where I am now is not that far therefore I could keep working for this friend of mine. I just have to commute. It's about to change your schedule and habit a little bit, sis; said he. Hmmm...
No. No no no. It's about to entirely change my way of life. I have got enough matters in hand to worry about. If I live with auntie, no way that I won't care about her. On the other hand, she is a person who likes to go out. She's still driving her car so mobility is not a problem. In short, she left her house more than not. When she gets back, she was too tired to do the cores. It would be convenient if things got ready by itself, no, auntie? That how it is, right? I am a perfect candidate because she believes that I am the strongest among all of her nieces, not married, and--I just heard from another source recently--she took me as the person who would give in to others and put aside my own matter for it, since I was little.
I am not little anymore. I have been living for 46 years and I am tired to get straddled by others already. I am not a pure soul anymore...
It was auntie who encouraged me that I do the right thing when I was having the dispute with my mom. I wonder was it because she wanted me for herself? There were times when I felt like they fought on me. Every time auntie, who stayed with my granny at that time, asked me to stay overnight to accompany granny because auntie was about to go out of town; mom would get mad. I sometimes wonder if that was how it would be when you have a sister (I don't have any BTW). When you were little, you fight on a mere doll; when you were grown ups you fight on... me. Duh...
OK. Now, ahead with the negative thinking. The care my brothers' showed me, I wonder if it is not the reflects of their own worries that I, a family-less human being that happened to be their sister, will become a burden for them one day? Now I say it, admit it to myself that I do have the doubt. None of them take it seriously anyway when, at last, I told them that the stress during our mom's sickness till she died has took a toll into my body quite badly.
Geez, I prefer not to be their burden at all. That is the legacy my dad left to us, that no matter what we live not to burden our own siblings. I look up at it. Hey, brothers, it's a promise that I won't come to you at all even in my worst situation. But, please don't look for me too if I disappear. Especially if it is because you are worried that people would think you badly because you neglecting a sister. Or, because you believe it's an obligation in your religion to take care a helpless sister. What, not got enough way to reach heaven?
As a human being, we were born alone then would die alone too. So, just leave me alone already, OK. Ta-ta...