Help?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Live is evil and I hate it and can I please, please, please go die now? I have MAYBE three friends, sort of. But I only have one(ish) here. And it's just not right. I need Dawn, even just Drew. I want to just be able to talk to my girlfriend without having to hang up because Meip is glaring at her to keep drawing for her. Just to TALK. For an hour or two, out of the 48 that Meip spent there? Please? Without breaking down crying before this could happen? Or having somebody to hug would be nice. Being able to dance. Having a family I didn't hate. Who didn't hate me.
Called my father up to tell him I hate him. Aren't I a lovely daughter? Hung up on him when he whined back.
I keep telling Aurora to find somebody else, who deserves her. Sometimes I almost mean it. I love her, and don't want to break up with her....I just....care too much to see her trying to deal with all my emotional baggage when I can't do anything right to counterbalance it, even.
She told me I was acting like my dad. That's when I called him. I HATE him. I love him, but I HATE him. He's an evil, depressed, bitter, hating man, and I don't want to be like him, ever, but I'm slipping down that slippery path into hell, and I've lost all the ropes to pull me out again. That's what it feels like, at least.
Friends to turn to? What friends. Theresa? She's happy all the time, and doesn't really understand. Thinks it's possible to read a book and feel motivated and then work and change my attitude, just like that. Yeah, it'll be hard, but just read it! You'll feel better.
Thanks, but I've tried that sort of thing. Never helped.
Drew? Lives so far away, and I only talk to him once or twice a month, on average. He never calls me; I call him. We don't talk often enough for there to be any real connection any more. Some, but not enough.
Aurora? I love her. I love her I love her I love her. I love her too much, and want her to be happy, and can't do that for her. It hurts. Nor can I talk to her often enough. We're both always busy, and phone bills add up, and I hate long distance. I miss her. I need to be held and held and held. I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need somebody to love me! And it feels like nobody does. I know they do, but they're all so distant, and nobody ever seeks ME out; I seek them out. Except my mom, who calls me, to make sure that I've done stuff for taxes and the FAFSA. Doesn't really count. Somebody, please, please, just help. I don't care what it is. Dance naked in Dobby's tea cozy. Whack me upside the head. Give me a hug. Just TALK to me. Please. Please, please, please, please, please. I need help. Badly.
There's really nobody here whom I connect with. I feel so out of place, in a land of idealistic world peace seekers with their heads up in the clouds of Venus. I can't relate to anybody. Even if I could, I have no motivation. I can't get myself to take out the trash, much less try to make a new friend.
And I feel like I'm mooching off everybody. I need them, but nobody really needs or wants me. Or I can't tell, because it's ALWAYS me contacting people. Even this, me sending out a blind cry for help. I wish somebody would come up to me, just wanting to hang out, whatever. Be a friend. Invite me to do something. Come visit, without my begging for any of it.
I'm lost, and scared, and confused, and all I can do anymore is curl up into a little ball and cry, because I don't know what to do that will help. I didn't do schoolwork all weekend, instead spending time with Theresa and Ellyssa and others, trying to have some fun, and relax, and have social interactions. Look where it ended up. I'm curled in a sobbing ball of fail, and have been all night. And I don't have my homework done, either.
I don't even know why I'm here anymore. Nothing seems to interest me. I have no goal, except for the automatic getting good grades and graduating. But I don't care about learning. I don't care about after. I don't know why I'm getting a degree, not really. So I can get a job, yeah. Because the material interests me, yeah. But it doesn't any more. And I don't know what I want to do any more. And nothing sounds fun, or interesting.
I want to go be a hermit and live in the woods by myself.
Or with Aurora, if she could stand to be with me, because I would never make it alone.
But I need people. I can hardly stand to be around people, because they irritate me, but I need them. I need social interaction. I need approval. I need LOVE. Love, any love, little or great, just love, and shown to me, and not because I beg for it. But this in itself invalidates anything, because here I am begging all of you.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't not plead, or I will be utterly lacking in anything, yet I cannot plead, because it makes any results meaningless.
But please help. Anything. Help. Before I go any more insane. Please help...
Called my father up to tell him I hate him. Aren't I a lovely daughter? Hung up on him when he whined back.
I keep telling Aurora to find somebody else, who deserves her. Sometimes I almost mean it. I love her, and don't want to break up with her....I just....care too much to see her trying to deal with all my emotional baggage when I can't do anything right to counterbalance it, even.
She told me I was acting like my dad. That's when I called him. I HATE him. I love him, but I HATE him. He's an evil, depressed, bitter, hating man, and I don't want to be like him, ever, but I'm slipping down that slippery path into hell, and I've lost all the ropes to pull me out again. That's what it feels like, at least.
Friends to turn to? What friends. Theresa? She's happy all the time, and doesn't really understand. Thinks it's possible to read a book and feel motivated and then work and change my attitude, just like that. Yeah, it'll be hard, but just read it! You'll feel better.
Thanks, but I've tried that sort of thing. Never helped.
Drew? Lives so far away, and I only talk to him once or twice a month, on average. He never calls me; I call him. We don't talk often enough for there to be any real connection any more. Some, but not enough.
Aurora? I love her. I love her I love her I love her. I love her too much, and want her to be happy, and can't do that for her. It hurts. Nor can I talk to her often enough. We're both always busy, and phone bills add up, and I hate long distance. I miss her. I need to be held and held and held. I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need somebody to love me! And it feels like nobody does. I know they do, but they're all so distant, and nobody ever seeks ME out; I seek them out. Except my mom, who calls me, to make sure that I've done stuff for taxes and the FAFSA. Doesn't really count. Somebody, please, please, just help. I don't care what it is. Dance naked in Dobby's tea cozy. Whack me upside the head. Give me a hug. Just TALK to me. Please. Please, please, please, please, please. I need help. Badly.
There's really nobody here whom I connect with. I feel so out of place, in a land of idealistic world peace seekers with their heads up in the clouds of Venus. I can't relate to anybody. Even if I could, I have no motivation. I can't get myself to take out the trash, much less try to make a new friend.
And I feel like I'm mooching off everybody. I need them, but nobody really needs or wants me. Or I can't tell, because it's ALWAYS me contacting people. Even this, me sending out a blind cry for help. I wish somebody would come up to me, just wanting to hang out, whatever. Be a friend. Invite me to do something. Come visit, without my begging for any of it.
I'm lost, and scared, and confused, and all I can do anymore is curl up into a little ball and cry, because I don't know what to do that will help. I didn't do schoolwork all weekend, instead spending time with Theresa and Ellyssa and others, trying to have some fun, and relax, and have social interactions. Look where it ended up. I'm curled in a sobbing ball of fail, and have been all night. And I don't have my homework done, either.
I don't even know why I'm here anymore. Nothing seems to interest me. I have no goal, except for the automatic getting good grades and graduating. But I don't care about learning. I don't care about after. I don't know why I'm getting a degree, not really. So I can get a job, yeah. Because the material interests me, yeah. But it doesn't any more. And I don't know what I want to do any more. And nothing sounds fun, or interesting.
I want to go be a hermit and live in the woods by myself.
Or with Aurora, if she could stand to be with me, because I would never make it alone.
But I need people. I can hardly stand to be around people, because they irritate me, but I need them. I need social interaction. I need approval. I need LOVE. Love, any love, little or great, just love, and shown to me, and not because I beg for it. But this in itself invalidates anything, because here I am begging all of you.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't not plead, or I will be utterly lacking in anything, yet I cannot plead, because it makes any results meaningless.
But please help. Anything. Help. Before I go any more insane. Please help...